Workplace Bullying - Support Thread

[daisychain01]

Bullying at work is rife. I won't number-crunch but it costs employers £M / annum, and it costs employees dearly in terms of harm to their mental wellbeing and finances if they are driven out of their job.

If you have experienced any of the following, you are likely to have been subjected to bullying:

Being made to feel worthless, inadequate, useless at your job, incompetent, making you doubt yourself and your capabilities.

Being compared negatively to colleagues, esp more junior to you, "If they can work faster/pick things up quicker/understand things easier, why can't you?"

Being isolated, disenfranchised, ignored, often as a form of punishment, while colleagues are treated noticeably fairly and courteously.

Being set up to fail, being given objectives then changing them so radically it makes your job untenable. Feeling "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Whatever you try to do, they want the opposite.

Being given authority, but then disempowered, by going over your head to your direct reports, often in front of them.

Subject to derogatory sexist remarks, designed to minimise contribution skills and qualifications. This is harassment, for which you have protection in law.

Bullying is insidious, difficult to detect or prove. It is invariably minimised by the perpetrator with comments like "I didn't mean it like that", "you're just too sensitive, can't you take a joke?", "sorry I was having an off-day".

Bullying is a form of emotional abuse.

This thread is a safe place for a handhold or to seek practical advice. It isn't always necessary to resign to escape, there are other ways. It will depend on the individual situation. You may not want to share all the details, don't worry about the AIBU dripfeed, you won't be ostracised on here if you need to keep things brief, change a few details or giving disclosure only to your comfort level.

This sounds like a complex matter rockabye and I'm getting concerned that you need someone to give you specific advice about your manager's treatment of you based on more detail than you can give here.

On face value, I would not recommend you go to your manager's manager, as it could all escalate against you if that person chooses to align with your manager's actions and opinions of you. Even if they are not right in your opinion.

If your Union rep isn't giving you any answers, could they give you access to legal advice so you can seek a full assessment of the facts.

If you are certain your manager is manipulating your (presumably computer?) assessment records, then there is every reason for you either to discuss the matter directly with your manager, or seek some guidance from your HR dept if they can intervene for you. It doesn't sound good, but you need to be certain of the facts before you accuse your manager, as they could have a plausible reason to change those records.

Meanwhile, can you try to switch off and detach as best you can, so your stress levels don't spiral out of control. Take daily walks, fresh air, try to eat little and often and don't switch on your computer while you off sick. Easier said than done I know but please look after yourself.

I'm being bullied at work. I have a stammer and my boss told me to speak faster when I was explaining something to him. I have a specific job where I am a department head in a supermarket responsible for packing out, ordering stock and so on for that department and I've just found out my boss is removing me from that role without any reason and I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry I didn't answer your comment pixie.

Based on what you've posted, it isn't easy to know if those two events are linked, regarding your stammer, your manager's rather tactless comment to you, and your role change.

Some people are incredibly tactless and don't have a clue about the challenges people have with speech (which can get worse when under stress). If your employer takes their diversity and inclusion responsibilities seriously, they should provide awareness to staff about what it means to recognise and support people's individual differences. Do you have someone in HR to help you as you shouldn't have to carry the burden of having to 'explain the obvious' to your manager, that speaking quicker is a crass and uncaring expectation.

Re your role change, have you been demoted? Or moved to an equivalent role? If you think he's discriminating against you because of how you speak that's a serious matter and one you need to seek specific guidance via HR or a union rep if you have one. If you have a Diversity / inclusion policy that would be worth talking through with HR specific to your role move.

Just got a new HT. Seems to have taken a dislike to me and has now said I'm incompetent. Wants to put me on a support plan. No sign of this coming. All previous observations and performance managements really positive. Really suffering with stress so signed off sick. What do I do?

Hi @daisychain01

I'm pretty sure I'm being bullied at work. I am not sure why or how.

Basically my boss told me that it's unlikely I'll pass probation next month because I apparently went home one Saturday (when she wasn't there) leaving everyone else to clean up and didn't say goodbye to anyone. I told her this is an absolute lie (which it is - I never ever leave until someone tells me I can leave). It turns out on this day, I had been told that we had finished working and that I should leave but then three other employees decided to go upstairs and do treatments on each other. They then decided that they would ask our boss to be paid extra for this time and would also tell her that I left early.

I should add here that I have an excellent work record. At my last job, I was voted employee of the month in the first month, I scored 100% by a mystery shopper and I won an award.

Other important information here is that 1. I'm currently pregnant and 2. I have Aspergers which I have told my boss about.

Other things she said to me;

A few weeks ago she told me I'm rushing around too much, now I'm apparently too slow.

I appear to be anxious all the time and I'm making other staff anxious

She told me I need retraining in all my treatments except one (which my doctor said I should cut down on). When I asked her what I needed retraining in she wouldn't tell me until I saw her face to face and when I did see her she said that actually all my treatments are fine and the issue is that I seem anxious.

She said that this morning I was standing around when I came to work - I wasn't I was cleaning the loos

She complained a couple of weeks ago that I'm not talking to any of my coworkers enough then when I do talk to them I was not doing anything productive (we were both doing laundry together)

When talking to me, she said that maybe my Aspergers is causing everyone to misunderstand me

I get told spurious stories about how after I did a treatment, she phoned the client to ask if they enjoyed the treatment and they said no because I had spent too long speaking to them about how they wanted me to manicure a broken nail. I find this story unlikely. The client in question tipped me afterwards but her answer to this was that some people tip even if they were unhappy with a treatment.

I have very fragile mental health, I'm pregnant and very out of breath all the time and I certainly don't need any of this.

There is one particular employee who I think may be stirring trouble about me and others and who has tried to rope me into bitching about another employee (which was unfair and I stuck up for said employee)

I told my boss that I had heard unfair bitching about another employee and she said that 'it would have come from a place of love'

I think I need to resign. I can't see how this is going to get better. And since I'm on probation anyway, I could be asked to leave for no reason.

Watching with interest.
I fear that a lot of bullying, as Op showed, is almost impossible to prove. The odds are stacked against the employee.

Bullying is more common than we like to admit. Unfortunately, you only have to trawl through these boards on Mumsnet to see too much evidence of it in cyber-form.

Sometimes the culture of bullying at work is so pervasive we fail to even see it. The bullies I've encountered in my career are often at quite a senior level and amongst other things have displayed behaviours such as;

Telling a member of staff not to ask stupid questions when approached with a work-related query;

Putting individual members of staff down in front of other people, commenting on their lack of ability to do the job (if you can't negotiate find someone who can,);

Sending round threatening emails that told staff they would be subject to disciplinary processes if certain procedures weren't followed;

Spiteful responses to queries asking them if a task had been followed up (and this was to another manager);

Petty behaviours such as declining meeting invites and ignoring requests for assistance or help.

Bullies are often very fragile themselves, and their behaviour is a mask, to hide that fact. They pick on people they see as vulnerable, because they're easy targets. They pick on people they don't think will fight back. From bitter experience I have a personal hatred of all bullies, whether they be at the workplace, in the playground at school, and all the trolls who think it's clever to hide behind their keyboards and send abusive messages to people they've never met (and wouldn't want to.) It's hard to stand up to a bully, but the best way to deal with them is to call them out. Show them you're not afraid of them, and that you're not to be pushed around, not matter what level of seniority they occupy. They may think they're too powerful to be called out...….this is not true. In fact, completely the opposite. I've known a case at work where a very junior colleague whistleblew on a senior colleague who was bullying them...….with the result that the bully went through a disciplinary and was told to get on her bike.

I would advise anyone who is subject to bullying at work not to just "put up and shut up." Go through the correct channels to make other people directly aware of their negative behaviour. Hold them to account. Keep evidence if you feel it would help you; emails, skype conversations, and other people as witnesses. Bullying should no longer be tolerated in any form in our society, and we all have a responsibility to safeguard ourselves and others.

Firstly wanted to say thank you Daisychain01 for starting this thread. . Under a different name, I have received very informative advice from you given in a very kind manner.

I have a degree in a core subject, but took a basic retail role after having time out to have children due and finding it difficult to find part time roles that aren’t everyday.

Firstly wanted to say thank you Daisychain01 for starting this thread. . Under a different name, I have received very informative advice from you given in a very kind manner.

I am writing this while I can due to symptoms and I wonder if I could have any advice.

My workplace is hostile, the way my team are treated in general is beyond disgusting and the managers and team leaders are underhanded to say the least.

There is a big issue with calling the duty manager sick line. It is another one of their underhanded tactics to make it look like people are not following policy.
They more often than not do not answer the phone and there is no voicemail. My phone bill does not log the call when it hasn’t connected (although they said yes it would) The only thing you may have if you kept it, is the call register on your phone but they could say you did one ring so it’s not concrete proof. I’m a paper trail kind of person but they hate anything in writing unsurprisingly. Some people just text, Facebook or call their team leader directly which is accepted much of the time, but not official policy.

I like to do the official policy not that it got me far, I rang up a couple of months ago feeling very ill and was laughed at and ridiculed about symptoms and name by the duty manager. He also said “there doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you.” I was told this happened to another colleague of mine. It turns out that this manager did not even bother to tell the necessary people that I was going to be absent. Another female manager asked my friend/colleague where I was because I hadn’t bothered to show up for work. He told her that I had phoned and the name of the person I spoke to and because she doesn’t like me, she didn’t tell anyone I had called in either so that my name would be mud presumably.
I complained about the manger who took the call about his behaviour etc but nothing was done they’re all friends who can treat us mere mortals appallingly.

Now to present day. I took holiday and started to become unwell again nearing the time I came back to work. I tried to call as usual no answer so I text as to me that is written evidence. They just ignored my text.

My unknown illness has become more and more painful to the point I have been housebound and writhing in pain, to the point of ambulance trips up, all night no sleep from excruciating pain etc
I have an emergency test booked for within the next 2 weeks for something dreaded and obviously I am very disorientated and worried.

I received 2 missed calls within the first week of my sickness and it was the woman who does wages mainly but HR too. She asked me if I was coming back as no one had heard from me. I explained I had tried to call/text. She immediately started saying it’s not policy to text blah blah. I explained past issues to no avail. I explained that the doctor had said that I needed to self cert that week but I would be sending in a fit note the following week once I had seen the doctor for a procedure.

I then received a voicemail from another manager saying nobody had heard from me and the usual lies. This women is a known absolute bully who loudly shouts at you and belittles and as I felt so ill and had spoken to someone and this was just one of their lying games: I decided to send the written proof in the form of a fit note.

The day before I was due to go to the doctor for my procedure and to get the fit note: I received I signed for letter giving me less than 24 hours notice to attend a disciplinary. I was in such a state and ill and feeling very beaten down that I didn’t go or inform them. I feel too ill to be bullied at the moment. I went to the doctor instead and during the procedure the doctor made a mistake and I as I was pouring blood and the doctor was all flustered the fit note was all forgotten about.

Now today they have done the same thing sent me a meeting for tomorrow with less than 24 hours notice and I am housebound due to pain and symptoms and can’t possibly go to a meeting with this known bully. It says they will basically sack me if I don’t turn up.

This is all to do with not wanting to pay sick pay. Citizens Advice have a piece about it on their site about unscrupulous employers using these types of tactics.

Is there anything I can do to halt the process? I do not feel well enough to deal with this at the moment I would like to stop them kicking me when I’m down and putting me in a financial hole as they do not want to pay me sick pay. I’ve been treated like rubbish the whole time I’ve been employed by them.

The meeting is 10am tomorrow, is it too late?

I forgot to make the point that the wage/he woman who left 2 missed calls and voicemail on my phone I pressed the number on my voicemail and I cannot find any proof that I called her back and spoke to her. They know I spoke to her anyway they work in the same office as the shouty bully who’s sending me disciplinary letters, this is just a ploy to sack me.

I even told the wage lady on the phone that I had called before and been ridiculed and that manager hadn’t bothered informing the relevant people. She even said well she would be telling the store manager about that, so I highly doubt she would not tell someone she had spoken to me. It’s just lies.

The latest disciplinary meeting letter says please contact me on number upon receipt of this letter; but there is no number on it.

Ladies because of previous work experiences I now start a diary on day one of a new job. It sounds awful but you have to protect yourselves these days
I write down everything relevant to my job at the end of and during the day. Any incidents that concern me including a sarcastic tone of voice or argument. A pstienter comment anything. It makes me feel much more secure then you have a record.

@Tattybyeee is it possible for you to send an email to the wages/HR person, or any named manager? If you have a smart phone you could photograph the dr’s note and attach to an email with a brief note explaining you are extremely ill and housebound and unable to attend, please could they postpone. You’ve attempted to call but been unable to get through.

When I first started I asked for the email addresses of wage/hr and other people. I was told they do not have emails, they do not work like that.
I found this very strange at the time.

Haven't visited in a while. That suggestion, madcatladyforever, is an excellent idea.

Hi all. I don't want to go into any detail here, but l have been off sick as a result of my line managers behaviour towards me. HR are aware but haven't been able to resolve. Everyone is aware this person is difficult at best.

Is it feasible for me to suggest l am managed by someone else as a resolution? I am in quite a specialist role. How might this impact on my standing in the company in future?

Is it feasible for me to suggest l am managed by someone else as a resolution? I am in quite a specialist role. How might this impact on my standing in the company in future?

Have you submitted a grievance, as you mentioned you are currently signed off sick? If not, you could submit a grievance, summarising the problems you've experienced and suggest as your required outcome that you're transferred.

You'll need to have a reasonably strong reason why (as it can be disruptive both from the outgoing and incoming managers' perspective to lose/gain staff they weren't expecting) and it would be better to offer a specific solution (eg transfer from manager x to manager Y) otherwise you may be giving them a problem they can't necessarily solve.

Thanks Daisychain. No l haven't submitted a grievance yet. I'm not off sick with stress (yet), although l think l've become ill as a result of it.

Can I add I am going through this at.the moment.My boss who I've worked with for many years...not always as.one of my bosses has decided to start on me
.We work 12 hour days anyway in a stressful environment so is all I need.One young lad has had enough of the workplace clique and is leaving.I have been ostracized before over a year ago and it blew over.TBH the person in question readily admits they were the school bully decades ago!!
Luckily for me I am a stubborn old goat and will focus on the positives of the nice colleagues.
I always think of you feel you are being bullied you probably are.Stay strong everyone.

Hi all,

Need some advice new member,
Im working in a school atm between 2 jobs but my contract states that from jan i will be in full time position but my second job i left as my dad got very unwell and my mum health detoriated but i was very honest with my second job even have the emails but i had to leave but i did not tell my current job as they wasn't paying me and my contract states this too hours i do not get paid, now the lady at my work place who keeps going in complaining about me but has always closed the case herself has obviously gone back and told the headteachers, i really don't know how she knew.
which i was pulled up and asked but didnt say much as i had proof of my situation and my dad and mum health and my brother with disability, i had to step up as i don't have anyone else, i have not taken any days off Regards to this matter, now she saying to me as im offering u permanent position i need to think about this as this is dishoenst also how i have been saying things downstairs about this, i said i do not talk about my personal matter and especially in front if the lady who keeps complaining about me.

Im soo exhausted about this, but can't seem to see what i done is wrong as contract shows I'm out and not paid also not been told if i had changed my circumstances that they need to be told.
I have no way said anything about the school to anyone i have asked the headteacher she needs to ask other member staff and I have not once said i was going to my old work place, just would go and come back.
I have worked so hard for 2years to get this permanent job.

Please help!

I have nc’d.

Was accused of trying to poison a colleague, sabotaging the workplace, thus endangering many, doing illegal things on work computer system. Belittled during work and colleagues were told so many lies. All easily disproved but life at work is still difficult.

My grievance of bullying and harassment was upheld.

Company did nothing as far as I am aware/concerned. And refuse to apologise for less than satisfactory investigation - no police involvement - taking years to deal with it, investigating manager not speaking to me but to the liar only, etc.

In hindsight I’d have sued the bully immediately and involved the police myself. I trusted my company to deal with it and they did not.

The union were involved and got nowhere.

I hate my job now but need it. And they keep coming out with how they’ve zero tolerance to bullying and harassment. Not true.

I’m broken by this but will never trust them to deal with anything again.

The bullying I suffered at work shook me to my core. It was insidious and institutional. I was emotionally abused and so were many other colleagues . They use techniques to gas light you, it’s like an abusive relationship ... you feel mad. It was the management and seniors doing the bullying . Many knew/know it was going on. HR part of the problem frankly and union members were not neutral at all, it was like some sick club.

Seen many have a nervous break down, but they leave and nothing changes. Trying to shake off the effects, but I still blame myself ( should I have left sooner, what could I have done ?) I wasn’t ready for it and didn’t have any kind of techniques to cope . Family members/ friends/ anyone reasonably know I was right , but I was made to feel like a deviant.

I will forever be convinced that our HR are only concerned with protecting the company instead of assisting employees.

I still pray to fall asleep and to just not wake up. I’ve lost complete faith in people and just see no point in anything. The bully made me feel worthless. The company endorsed it.

@bullied . Well I’ve been told by many people subsequently that hr are on the company’s side and I realise that now. I’m sorry you feel so low. I have been where you are at.Can you get any counselling ?There are good people out there and you are not worthless.

Thank you for being kind @Pretty112

I’m scared if counselling were to scratch the surface of how I feel, I will break completely. Watching my hair fall out and my skin reacting was the easier option. It was and is, for me, better just to bury it.

Your experience sounds like mine. You just explained it better. I can show that the managers have at best been mistaken. At worst dishonest. I can show that HR ignored my concerns.

They now say they are concerned for my welfare but refuse to admit they’ve mishandled this from the start and I have been told to not push this further. They should have been concerned from the start.

They are too late now.

@bullied I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately no organisation actually cares about the individual, they just pretend to cover themselves. Also, no one wants to accept responsibility or lose their jobs. But some people individually do care on a human level. I hope you can get a break and take care of yourself .