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Workplace Bullying - Support Thread

133 replies

daisychain01 · 23/11/2018 18:00

Bullying at work is rife. I won't number-crunch but it costs employers £M / annum, and it costs employees dearly in terms of harm to their mental wellbeing and finances if they are driven out of their job.

If you have experienced any of the following, you are likely to have been subjected to bullying:

Being made to feel worthless, inadequate, useless at your job, incompetent, making you doubt yourself and your capabilities.

Being compared negatively to colleagues, esp more junior to you, "If they can work faster/pick things up quicker/understand things easier, why can't you?"

Being isolated, disenfranchised, ignored, often as a form of punishment, while colleagues are treated noticeably fairly and courteously.

Being set up to fail, being given objectives then changing them so radically it makes your job untenable. Feeling "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Whatever you try to do, they want the opposite.

Being given authority, but then disempowered, by going over your head to your direct reports, often in front of them.

Subject to derogatory sexist remarks, designed to minimise contribution skills and qualifications. This is harassment, for which you have protection in law.

Bullying is insidious, difficult to detect or prove. It is invariably minimised by the perpetrator with comments like "I didn't mean it like that", "you're just too sensitive, can't you take a joke?", "sorry I was having an off-day".

Bullying is a form of emotional abuse.

This thread is a safe place for a handhold or to seek practical advice. It isn't always necessary to resign to escape, there are other ways. It will depend on the individual situation. You may not want to share all the details, don't worry about the AIBU dripfeed, you won't be ostracised on here if you need to keep things brief, change a few details or giving disclosure only to your comfort level.

OP posts:
SilentShadows · 13/12/2018 20:34

Thanks for your message OutOntheTilez. I'm sorry you've been through the same. It does amaze me how many people with these personality traits end up in positions of power.

I can't quit my job unfortunately, as I live alone and have the mortgage to pay, but I am thinking at this point of trying for something slightly lower paid in another company just so I can get out.

yorkshirepud44 · 14/12/2018 18:18

It's always the bloody way in these situations that the person you should be able to go to is the person you can't. I had to go past my boss, our md and chairman to our senior independent director to deal with it as my ex boss had got to them all in some way. I had to be prepared to leave. Luckily I didn't have to.

Classic narcissist but what finally exposed them was getting people talking about what they were up to so they could join the dots. We'll be dealing with the fallout for a while to come.

In a smaller company I wouldn't have had this option so I know I'm lucky. I was chatting to our md today and we concluded that often the people who really want power are the people who shouldn't have it.

OutOntheTilez · 07/01/2019 01:59

Thank you, SilentShadows. Happy New Year, and I hope it’s a good one for you.

Like you said, maybe you can try to find something else with lower pay just to escape. It’s what I did. I found a job that was right up my alley but came with a slight pay cut. However, it also came with health and dental benefits and a retirement plan, benefits which I didn’t receive at my last job, and I now work with fantastic bosses and colleagues who are NOTHING like the nightmare I left.

I was afraid to job-hunt sooner because I was living by the old adage, “The devil you know vs. the devil you don’t.”

Good things can happen, and I hope they happen for you in the new year.

yorkshirepud44

I was chatting to our md today and we concluded that often the people who really want power are the people who shouldn't have it.

Isn’t that usually the case? It seems like narcissists gravitate toward positions of power. I mean, one can own a multi-billion-dollar company and even become president Wink

Although I have to say, I have had some very nice bosses. Many years ago, I worked for a company run by a husband and wife team. They managed a company of nearly one hundred of us and they were the nicest, most fair people I have worked for, on par with the people I work for now. Meanwhile, the bozo I slaved for in my last job managed just two of us and the “power” went straight to his head. What a nightmare.

Glad it worked out for you. Sometimes, as in your case, these people are exposed for what they are. And that is just so satisfying! Grin

Whisky2014 · 07/01/2019 02:24

Hi there, can't believe this thread was at the top of active when i came on to post. It's 2am and I can't sleep because I am so worried and anxious about going back to work after the Xmas break.
I also found out I am pregnant over the holidays and since I am a worried I can't help but feel the stress will hurt me and the baby.
Basically I have been in this role since Sept. By end of Oct I noticed a colleague was ignoring me, avoiding eye contact etc.
A week before the holidays on the friday, I went home around 2pm because I felt ill. The majority of the office had gone to the work xmas party and the colleague in question had gone home and logged on from there. When i got home i had a skype message from my other colleague who has only been employed for a few weeks telling me the colleague working from home messaged her literally 2 mins after I logged off and was asking where I was and if our manager had approved it. (Manager based in USA, we are in uk). My nice colleague told her she wasnt sure if i had told manager but that I'd said i was going to log on as soon as i got home. I myself had 2 emails from her asking if i had asked my manager if he had approved me working from home then a 2nd email half hour later asking if I'd taken a half day as she couldn't see it in the tracker.
Bizarre, she is not someone I report to But she is in my team, we are all under the same manager who is very relaxed about working from home.
On the Monday my nice colleague showed me another Skype message the colleague sent saying there was grumbling in the office about me working from home, leaving early alot. Complete lies. I pretty much work extra every day and had only ever worked from home 2 days both pre approved by my manager.
So i got fed up with her busy body gossiping and emailed my manager to say she has a problem with me. He called me to say she had also emailed him. He spoke to us both separately and then asked us to set up a meeting together and call him. In the meeting our manager was jist like I don't know what the problem is but let's talk. He asked busy body first and she basically had a list of ridiculous things to attack me with. My negativity, little quotes I had made about people totally taken out of context, the unfairness that our manager was letting me work at home over xmas whilst she had to take holidays (what? I'm working, you aren't), that I must have a problem with my commute and that he have a policy of a certain distance you are to be within and that I'm out With that distance, that some colleagues were upset I had boasted about working from home (I hadn't, I was asked about the working plans over xmas and stated it as a fact..these people are in a different group so don't get to work from home) even if they are upset that's not my problem. It was basically all workplace gossip. I ended up crying in the meeting as i was not prepared to be attacked with that list and my manager was useless on the phone. I suggested a clean slate, manager said it was a good idea, busy body agreed.
Not 2 days later she skyped me in the afternoon asking if i had missed a phone meeting that morning. I said I was on the call but albeit late. She said I must be been even later as she passed me on way to a funeral. Even if i was its actually nothing to do with her! She told me I should ask to move the meeting since I can't make it on time and I just thought, who does that? Late once to a meeting so the whole thing should be rescheduled? I shpuld add its a very relaxed meeting where people drop in and out all the time.
Anyhow I took a screen shot and sent to manager saying i agreed to clean slate yet she is still targeting me. I said I was contemplating HR. I told him i was anxious, had been pulling my hair out, didn't understand what she was doing and can he clarify we don't report to her. He just replied saying he couldnt advise either way if i want to go to hR but he encouraged me to have an open dialogue with busy body.
I decided to go to HR. This was last day before the hols so didn't have a response when i was at work in between. I have to get up at 6am so 4 hours sleep, with a 1 hr commute each way and this shit to deal with.
I don't know whether to go in and be exhausted or stay off and try to get signed off.
I have been interviewed for a new job which I am confident I will get so I just want to be off until I start at new place.

Greyeye · 07/01/2019 02:50

I was bullied by my ex boss 17 years ago and it still affects me at times.

He was a bad tempered man with a short fuse. Working for him was just impossible.

daisychain01 · 07/01/2019 19:16

Whisky it's a shame you feel you have to leave the company because you did all the right things, including being brave enough to stand firm during the meeting with your manager and busybody. You should be so proud of yourself!

Your manager is a weakling of the worst kind. In his situation it would have been the easiest thing in the world for him to exert his authority and clarify with you both present that you do not report to busybody and any policing by her of your attendance should cease with immediate effect. Instead he chose to do nothing, that's disgraceful.

If you do decide to stay there, you should apply for a flexible working arrangement via the HR process. It seems FW is supported in your organisation so you just need to formalise it.

Do you intend to tell them you are pg in the near future? That would definitely put a stop to busybodys antics because you could clarify that targeted bullying like that is aka Harrassment and you have protection in law particularly if you need to take time for prenatal appointments. It could be an opportunity to get HR to enforce some behavioural changes even if your manager is too gutless to do what he's paid for!

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 07/01/2019 20:02

Thanks so much for your response daisy. I agree my manager was and is useless. He is too laid back to even try and have some authority.
But of an update: because I didn't sleep at all last night (finally dropped off at 5am to be up at 6am) I thought there was no way o was going in with the added exhaustion of being pregnant. I called in sick to the local manager, emailed useless manager to advise i was off sick and that i was pregnant and then called the dr. The dr has signed me off for 1 month.

Useless manager replied with well wishes for me rem the pregnancy and to let.hom know if there was anything I needed whuch is when i responded to say I'd been signed off. It is a shame I feel I need to leave but the job itself is more menial than I was expecting and there has been zero training or handover (last 2 planners left before I started) so it's been very difficult actuslly figuring out what the job is!

The working from home thing is a bit of a peculiar one in that the local policy doesn't approve of it really but that our manager does and tells us we can. So actually the majority of the people onsite are not allowed to but the 3 folk on this site who come under my manager are considered Global position s rather than local and therefor we just go with what he says. Going forward i just won't work from home. If I'm sick, I'm sick. If i have an appointment I'll just take time off (I know I get paid time off for pregnancy related appointments). If im snowed in, can't get to work then that's it..no work will be done. Because i just can't handle the hassle it caused. Busy body is part of my team and is allowed to WFH so it's not like there's a grudge about it there although weirdly she made a comment in the showdown about how she wouldn't know because she never does it. I asked what she doesn't do? She replied work from home. What load of shit! She works from home all the time! So i wondered if she was doing it without the knowledge of my boss.
Anyhow, I have 1 month to get my head in a good position and figure out what I want. Waiting on a job offer but I know it's not gona be great starting a new job and being pregnant, but I just feel I have to leave this place.

Piggywaspushed · 07/01/2019 20:21

Just written a post about the shenanigans with my job description ,but your OP basically describes the way I have been treated at my workplace for about 10 years! Sidelined, blocked, overlooked , told off for minor alleged failings, scrutinised and criticised for very trivial things , which pass without comment with others. Spied upon, actions and movemets logged. Anyone would think I was in east Berlin in the 60s...

They would love me to leave. Unfortunately for them , I never get any jobs I apply for!

BreadstickswithHummus · 13/01/2019 14:46

Hello, please may I join?
It’s disturbing how many bullies there are in the workplace. I’ve encountered bullies in every job I’ve had. It’s horrendous isn’t it. 💐For all going through crap.

I’m going through a situation at work with two colleagues, A and B. If I describe the situation to you, please will you be honest and say what you think is going on? I have a good idea, but to hear somebody else’s thoughts might throw up something I haven’t thought of, and any advice appreciated.

So as not to dripfeed, I work in a busy outpatient dept as a receptionist. I’ve done it a while now and am left to work on my own sometimes, so I have developed a routine where at the end of the day the staff have what they need, and my work is complete.

Colleague A: Is a favourite in the dept, very loud and opinionated. She works mostly in the same department/room as me, but doesn’t do the same job. This doesnt stop her, however, from interfering in mine. I don’t work there every day (thankfully) so the dept is covered by other people on my day off.

When I return from my day off, Colleague A always has to remark that things are done differently by the other colleagues who cover my day off “Gail does it this way/ that way etc, just thought I’d mention it”. With a smirk on her face. I reply with “well, until somebody tells me I’m doing it wrong, then I’ll worry”, which sounds brave, but I’m dying inside.

Other things she does.
Always has to comment on my weight, or appearance.
She actually puts her hands on my hips from behind when passing, as though she’s gauging how slim (she thinks) I am.
Talks over me.
Interrupts conversations with me and other colleagues (though in fairness not just to me, does it to other colleagues also).
If we end up in the same room alone, she goes silent, then an atmosphere develops. I can feel her eyes boring into the back of my head. It’s awful.

Colleague B. Another favourite. Works in an office in the same dept, different job than me, higher wage band. Always has a family emergency so rushes off at a moments notice, mobile phone attached to her ear constantly, and always shouting/hot tempered.

Things she does: if I’m having a conversation with someone, she has to join in. She then pushes me out of that particular conversation, and carries it on with the other person. As if I wasn’t there.
Other things: If I had the choice of something, an example being two pairs of shoes, she’d always prefer the other pair than the ones I’ve chosen. I appreciate that it’s all down to personal opinion, but she always ALWAYS chooses the opposite. Plus anything I do. “Oh, I’d have done this, I’d have done that”.

Most of the time I roll my eyes at her, but lately, she is ramping up trouble. She has started asking me to help her do her job. I decline (very nicely) every time, due to the reasons mentioned above, and her being on a higher pay band and a different job, makes it a bit difficult.

When I decline, she then gets other staff involved, asking them to ask me to help her. Then it’s them against me, saying I’m not being helpful ☹️.

Again, it’s awful. I get my work done, I make sure everything is where it should be so they don’t have to ask for anything. That’s as helpful as I can be, plus any ideas that I’ve put across to help the dept in meetings, well, its just crap that I’m seen as being unhelpful.
Another thing: colleague A and B are friends.
I’m sorry for the long post. Any advice, and opinions on what you think is going on would be very appreciated xxxx

daisychain01 · 13/01/2019 19:04

Hi breadsticks welcome, and of course you can join, this is a thread for anyone to share concerns and get support.

Your colleagues sound thoroughly unpleasant. They clearly want to belittle you, minimise your presence and your role, cause you embarrassment and humiliate you, which are characteristics of bullying.

Have you or any other colleagues every highlighted your concerns to line management? Is there generally a culture that tolerates and turns a blind eye to bullying or is it restricted to A and B?

Bullying is insidious, it is difficult to detect or determine what's in the minds of the perpetrators other than that they are deeply inadequate in themselves. You wouldn't find a confident, well-adjusted and secure person behaving this way. They would be polite, cooperative and supportive of colleagues around them.

Invading your personal space and making physical contact with your hips to deliberately humiliate and embarrass you is definitely Harrassment. I would highlight that strongly.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 13/01/2019 19:06

Is colleague B "Jane" ?

OP posts:
BreadstickswithHummus · 16/01/2019 21:06

@daisychain01, I’m sorry, I copied this to Chat for traffic, forgetting the original post would still post on here iyswim.
I agree bullying is insidious, and what keeps me going is knowing something is amiss in their lives.

MzHz · 19/01/2019 08:04

I’m currently preparing a grievance letter and have got the whole sorry tale set out to a solicitor- she’ll look at it next week

The shock and panic of it all coming to ahead had been devastating! Absolutely knocked me for 6!

monalisa12 · 20/01/2019 00:40

This is an interesting thread. I am not being bullied but I dislike my job and I only stay because I need the money. I want to do something else but there is so much competition nowadays for jobs that I have not got the energy to get something else because it means being better than the other candidates in order to get the job and I do not think I have what it takes to sell myself to another employer so I just stay where I am and suffer which is not good

MT2017 · 09/03/2019 22:00

I am waiting on the outcome meeting this week of my grievance against my manager for bullying me. The waiting is horrendous but I have not regretted doing it for a millisecond. I did have reams of notes though.

Praying they find in my favour as I will have to leave otherwise, I cannot work for that person any more. Angry

On the plus side, I never realised I was such a fighter Grin

redexpat · 10/03/2019 09:53

Fingers crossed for you MT.

SaffaQueen · 10/03/2019 11:53

I was subject to bullying on my return to maternity leave, where I was seconded to another company in our Group.
I knew the person who I was reporting to - She was a very senior, indirect colleague who I liked and respected.
However when I was told I was to be seconded to work for her, my gut feeling was no! There had been rumours about a toxic atmosphere in that team, but she always came across so well..

I was never given a job spec or told what my priorities/day to day role was. The team reporting to me was not told I was joining (until they met me) & then told contradictory that they don’t report to me, which I found out about later. Cue a team that did not listen to me as they were reporting to someone else, unbeknownst to me. Yet I would be shouted at that I need to manage them better.

One say i was shouted at very loudly in front of the entire department that I did not take care in my work & it was all wrong (because she read the value of the wrong column!!).

Everybody was in fear of her & they claimed they did not hear her shouting at me (I wanted to report to HR). She made constantly made snide comments about me, slagged me off as being useless to her mates in the Group (who I knew), and for being a parent (she had no kids) & would pull me into a room and berate me for not doing what I should be doing & ask what I was actually doing. I would try remain calm and apologise, asking if I should be focusing on something else & if so what - again I would ask for a job spec or at least more details on her expectations of my role so I could work accordingly.
If she was in a bad mood, the team would know all about it - everyone would keep their heads down & keep quiet in fear of her snapping at us. When she was not in office, the atmosphere was totally different- people talked!!

I was miserable, my confidence hit rock bottom and I wanted to quit. However I saw a life trainer who visited the company & confided in her. She told me not to quit and let her win. She said to not show any reaction, & stay calm. Funny enough it worked though I would be raging inside.

I wish I could say I had a good outcome with her. However when my secondment ended, I was out of there. Luckily I got another role in the Group, although I almost didn’t even apply as my confidence was so low & didn’t think I was good enough. Funny enough I flourished in that role under a totally different leadership team that COMMUNICATED & believed in me!

I used to think this lady was great at her job & admired her. Now I no longer respect her which is sad - senior woman don’t have to be bitches or “strong” to be good at their job. I would have more respect if they were good managers who wanted to empower & develop their staff. Why did she target me? I think she was forced into taking me on secondment & for some silly reason threatened, even though she had no reason to be. Hence the dismantling of me.

As a side note, a person who worked for her recently resigned. On exit interview, a similar story emerged... hence her being asked not to resign & the senior person being investigated.

MT2017 · 10/03/2019 13:11

Thanks @redexpat, am actually feeling physically sick today. Envy

Tessywoooooo · 10/03/2019 13:19

I’m placemarkimg as I think my new boss might try to bully me if he gets a chance - I’m still trying to work him out.

But when a man shows you who he is, believe him springs to mind

daisychain01 · 10/03/2019 13:33

Thinking of you MT

senior woman don’t have to be bitches or “strong” to be good at their job

I agree. Sadly, women in the workplace often become conditioned to the appalling behaviour of the patriarchy - aggression, belittling inadequacies which are allowed to perpetuate. Hey, that narcissist high performing manager is doing a great job, leave him to get on with it do all the dirty work for us It's sad that women mistakenly believe they have to keep up with their male counterparts. I bet underneath the outer veneer, they had to sacrifice their core values and principles at the alter of career progression.

Calm, measured, thoughtful feedback if an activity needs to be done differently, is considered the province of 'female' management style and sneered upon as weakness.

Copious notes, specific examples of how negative behaviours directly affects the 'victim' (using that word reservedly) at the time, are ways to regain control, re-empowering and believing in yourself. It builds up a protective armoury around yourself to have confidence even when you feel all is lost.

It helps massively if the organisation takes B&H seriously. My current organisation really does, but my last employer had all the policies in place but paid lip service to it.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 10/03/2019 13:37

Keep a diary Tessy note down dates, context, who else was present, or maybe patterns of behaviour eg they only bully you when it's a 1x1 situation, or they tend to belittle you in a showy way in front of others for greater impact etc.

I once had an awful manager who'd say something really nasty and cutting with a smirky, self-congratulatory smile on his face, then look around the room to see who else was laughing too.

OP posts:
MT2017 · 10/03/2019 14:59

Mine used to say something that was completely unreasonable but email something else (eg in a meeting they would say I absolutely could not do x but in email would say preferable you do y instead). Luckily I had emailed subsequently to say 'As you said I must not do x'...

Anyway. Am driving myself mad obsessing about what the outcome will be...

Tessywoooooo · 10/03/2019 15:04

Thanks daisy he’s a bit of a smiling assassin

OutOntheTilez · 21/03/2019 23:58

MT2017, what was the outcome?

rockabye · 22/03/2019 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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