... or not it would seem. DH says no but I NEED to do something before I go mad (long, sorry)

[Pennies]

In the days BC (before children) I used to work in HR. I loved it and had changed career to get my qualifications to do it (spent two years doing evening study - nightmare). But then I got pregnant and had DD1, stayed off for a year during which time I got pregnant again with DD2. I went back to work full time for 3 months inbetween kids so I could qualify for maternity pay . DD1 went to nursery five days a week during this time. When DD2 came along DD1 dropped from full time down to 3 days a week at nursery.

Then we moved and DD1 now only does 2 mornings a week at our local nursery and DD2 stays at home with me.

DD1 is 2.6yrs and DD2 is 16months.

In the past DH and I agreed in principle that we feel it is best for our children to have a parent at home until full time education starts. DH can't do it (breadwinner) so it is me.

OK. So here I am doing the whole SAHM thing, in a new place with hardly any mates. I'm more than at little bit bored and totally miss adult company. I feel my conversation focuses solely on my children and I feel like two dimensional being. So whilst I still maintain that ideally kids benefit from having a parent at home until school it seems that in practice that is not working for me.

Anyway, I thought that I would return to work to get some intellectual stimulation, some money of my own, some adult company and also I think that my clingy DD2 would benefit from some time in nursery.

There are some jobs going locally in local government that I could do, are at my level of seniority and pay quite well so that we could cover childcare and not make a loss. Local governemtn work is great because the options for flexible work are huge which would mean I could do part time work pretty easily. I am not considering full time work at all.

DH says no. He says that as a parent it is his duty to put the kids welfare first (as if I don't WTF???) and that with that in mind and his traditional views then he doesn't want me to do it. I will have to "find something else to do".

So, here I find myself, a little wifelet and mother at home, bored to dry tears, lonely, financially dependent, craving some brain food.

So does anyone have any ideas for what I could do???? I have no major hobbies - my work was my passion - although I go to the gym and love reading.

(BTW - this is just about how I feel - I don't want to open a debate about the whole SAHM / working mum thing.)

I'm really sorry you feel like this. I have to admit I felt like this too when I was a sahm bit I know many women don't so maybe they can come along and give you some advice about stuff to do

The problem for me was that I really don't enjoy a lot of the 'woman' stuff and I REALLY tried. I'm not crafty (tried knitting, crafting etc) or creative and I'm an adequate but unenthusiastic cook. I've often wondered how I would have survived in past times when there was no choice but for women to do the things that 'women are supposed to do and enjoy'. Luckily I don't live then I live now so I have the choice.

FWIW I think your dh is being unreasonable. If you could work PT I think this might help. However if your dh is not on board all that will happen is that you will be very tired and end up doing everything you do now at home but in half the time. I'm not sure what to suggest but just wanted to say I do sympathise - not much help I know

What about things like helping out/running a toddler group? Or your local NCT group? They always need people to do marketing, run sales and so on. Also a good way of meeting people and that old cliched of something to put on your CV

I do agree with other posters in that if you are that unhappy you need to speak to your DH again or you might end up feeling resentful. A happy Mummy = a happy child

Sorry should say cliche

Wow Pennies. I am currently a SAHM and I would be astounded if, when I want to go back to work, my DH tells me my place is at home with the children.

Surely working part time and putting your children in childcare the ages that they are isn't going to make that much difference to the children. But it will make the world of difference to you and that is very important too.

Why do you think your DH has the opinion he has?

I really really think you should discuss this more with dh. How can it be good for your children to spend so much time with you when you feel like this? Surely they would benefit more from spending time with a happy mother who works rather than an unhappy one that doesn't. FWIW I too think your dh is being unreasonable - you need to try to agree on a way forward where everybody is happy..

Not good of him to be so dismissive of how you feel. That's my first thought. And my second and third now I come to think of it.

Talk with your DH. Suggest that if he's that worried about a parent being at home all the time he goes p/t.

Could you afford to put your DDs in nursery a day a week wihtout you starting work? That might show your DH that nursery can have a positive effect.

You could also negotiate a compromise: fix a date when you would like to start working again sometime between now and when your DDs start school. In the meantime, look at the possibility of studying p/t / evenings to improve your skills or maybe branch out into another area.

It sounds like a) working and b) earning are important to you - you need to ensure your DH realises this!

BTW, am working p/t as is DH atm.

"I don't want to open a debate about the whole SAHM / working mum thing"

Not much hope of that I'm afraid.

Have another go at persuading your husband. Get your best arguments straight in your mind first.

Your feelings matter more than your DH's opinion of what women "should" do or "should" be like.It's not good for a family to run along the lines of "it's all right as long as the majority is happy": the lessons you want to teach your DCs must include the fact that women are people (not domestic appliances or property), that compromise is necessary and that everyone is entitled to do some things that benefit themselves first and foremost.

I want to go back to work too, but mainly because I want us to have more money. I saw a job in the paper with fantastic hours, doing what I was doing before, in the town where I live, with career prospects.
I have applied for it, but i havent told anyone (except you now) because I don't want anyones opinions to sway me. If I get an interview I will discuss it, it just seems easier that way.

I think it says something very powerful (and not in a good way) if you end up subjugating your own feelings and opinion to DH's pov. Especially if he can't really give more solid reasons for it. By the time you go through application, recruitment and appointment processes, DD2 will be at least 18 months, and as you say, you will easily be able to work p/t, and flexibly p/t - they will come to no harm at all!

You have clearly thought out your position and the options and are able to come to a solution which does seem to suit everyone - except your DH who has 'feelings'. I think you need to talk about this more..I'm not sure he should be ruling your decisions like this. I'm not saying take unilateral 'like it or lump it' action yourself, but being more assertive about your position.

Can I assume that you moved for DH's job?

Ooh thank you for your replies.

I do help out a bit with the local toddler group but it's too child related for me to get the mental ooomph I seek.

ekra - DH was brought up very traditionally. His mum never worked once she was married. She's now bored out of her mind and believes everything she read in The Express.

We talked and talked and I tried the happy mum = happy kids thing. He accepts that but says that I'm bored, not unhappy (true).

There's no way that DH will ever look after the kids - he works in the City. He earns too much for me to ever be able to command anything like what he does if we were to swap places. Don't get me wrong - I see how fortunate I am to be in this position and not HAVE to work, but it's just that I want to do something.

Ironically he said that he doesn't mind if the kids go to some kind of nursery a couple of days a week whilst I go and do something else but he doesn't want me to work. He says that I will be beholden to work commitments and won't be able to be there for the kids, whereas if I have a nice hobby then I can drop it.

I see where he's coming from on the last point, but this is why I want to target somewhere where flexible working is commonplace. I'm not sure a hobby would give me the motivation (i.e. someone is depending on me to come to work whereas if I son't bother to turn up to book club then no-one cares) and it certainly wouldn't give me the financial dependence I want (hate asking for money for things), although the money is not vital.

He's all for me going to work when they're at school, but my point is that it's going to be ahrd to juggle work and stuff then what with primary school timings, school holidays etc. I feel that if I get a job now I will be more established in any role to be able to negotiate my way round those times.

I agree that DH's position in unreasonable and jurassic and I fully accept points re. subjugation etc. Believe me we have talked and talked and talked (with voices getting louder) this one over and I have capitulated because we have a deal that if one or other of us fundamentally disagrees with something that directly affect the kids then we have to go with it (e.g. I agree with smacking, he's dead against so it will not form part of our dispipline in our house).

I am a strong willed person who will go for it if I really really really want something. As it is boredom does not breed that want yet, though if this turned into unhappiness then I would probably force the issue.

powder28 - that was my plan but he saw my CV on the computer and asked me why I was doing it.

I was at "DH says no" and really think that if you are sure you want to go back to work, rather than have a "good little wifelet" hobby, then his wishes shouldn't override yours. That just can't be good for your relationship.

But at the same time it sounds as though you aren't absolutely sure that you want to go back to work -- what you are sure about is that you want to get some mental stimulation in the company of adults.

I know it's stereotypically "wifeletty", but what about a charity? I can think of a couple of charities off the top of my head that would really value some p/t help (probably not directly using your HR skills, admittedly). Whereabouts do you live?

Pennies, I did it while he was at work. When I mention going back to work my mum and dh have always got some reason not to. I am quite easily persuaded on certain matters so I thought if, for once, I just do what I feel is right without asking anyone, then I can think clearly.

Perhaps as a compromise in the meantime, you could find a voluntary job to do, but something not at al connected with the children. They could go to nursery while you do this, but it would not be such a commitment as an actual job. However you might be able to find something that was more demanding than just a hobby or helping out at playgroup etc, and would give you more adult company that does not revolve around parenting. Do you have a local volunteer bureau that may be able to help? This may then keep you going until the children are at school, and would also be something to add to your cv. Btw, I do feel your dh is being a bit unreasonable, as you only want to work part-time.

I do kind of see what you mean about the smacking issue, but still think he needs to acknowledge your point of view more regarding work. It's not good enough for him to say you're bored rather than unhappy: point out to him nicely that you know how you are feeling and he doesn't.
I mean, really, I'd have told him by now that there's no need to be afraid and having a wife who earns money will not actually make his cock fall off. His suggestion that you have a hobby instead is fundamentally patronising. it's a way of saying that nothing you do or want is important.

I've never heard of a volunteer bureau - thanks for that I will look into it. I'm in Herts if anyone knows of anything. I just wonder if this will give me the brain food I'm after. It was the challenge of the work I did that I'm after. I'm afraid that if I go and help out for the RSPCA in the shop I'll just be bored there. What sort of things do volunteers do?

There's no doubt DH is being unreasonable. Hence me not positing this in the AIBU topics!!

All I know is that I used a volunteer bureau years ago, when I wanted a voluntary job in the summer holidays when I was at Uni. That was in Berkshire, and about 25 years ago, but it's possible such places still exist, and might be worth a go. Not sure what type of jobs they offer, I worked in a day centre for the elderly, but I'm sure there would be a range of different jobs.

It sounds to me that you are living through husband and children. Remember that only you should be in control of your life.
It seems like a good compromise with the voluntary work.
It sounds to me that you both "fundamentally disagree" with eachother regarding this situation, but that you are letting him make the ultimate decision.

madamez. Have no fear, all points relating to the validity of my feelings, the patronising stance of his objection and suggestions, the impotence of my current position and the archaic nature of his point of view have all been made with varying degrees of eloquence and volume.

volunteering opportunities

helpful info

I think what neds explaining is that you are in a partnership - he works you stay at home.

Only now the partnership isn;t working for you. At no point did you agree he was the boss. You don't need his permission, ofthis he needs to be clear, however his affirmation at the changed partnership details would be nice. Either way you are doing this, you caneither do it as a partnership or he must realise things will quickly deteriorate.

Since when did you turn into Martha Stewart? She ended up in prison.

maisemor - you're absolutely right which is why I came here to see if anyone had any ideas to help resolve this so that we're all happy.

I'm just someone who needs a purpose and direction*. I reckon if I won a million squids on the lottery I'd still work.

• Yes, before anyone says it, kids do give purpose and a certain chaotic direction but I need something a little more grown up.