... or not it would seem. DH says no but I NEED to do something before I go mad (long, sorry)

[Pennies]

In the days BC (before children) I used to work in HR. I loved it and had changed career to get my qualifications to do it (spent two years doing evening study - nightmare). But then I got pregnant and had DD1, stayed off for a year during which time I got pregnant again with DD2. I went back to work full time for 3 months inbetween kids so I could qualify for maternity pay . DD1 went to nursery five days a week during this time. When DD2 came along DD1 dropped from full time down to 3 days a week at nursery.

Then we moved and DD1 now only does 2 mornings a week at our local nursery and DD2 stays at home with me.

DD1 is 2.6yrs and DD2 is 16months.

In the past DH and I agreed in principle that we feel it is best for our children to have a parent at home until full time education starts. DH can't do it (breadwinner) so it is me.

OK. So here I am doing the whole SAHM thing, in a new place with hardly any mates. I'm more than at little bit bored and totally miss adult company. I feel my conversation focuses solely on my children and I feel like two dimensional being. So whilst I still maintain that ideally kids benefit from having a parent at home until school it seems that in practice that is not working for me.

Anyway, I thought that I would return to work to get some intellectual stimulation, some money of my own, some adult company and also I think that my clingy DD2 would benefit from some time in nursery.

There are some jobs going locally in local government that I could do, are at my level of seniority and pay quite well so that we could cover childcare and not make a loss. Local governemtn work is great because the options for flexible work are huge which would mean I could do part time work pretty easily. I am not considering full time work at all.

DH says no. He says that as a parent it is his duty to put the kids welfare first (as if I don't WTF???) and that with that in mind and his traditional views then he doesn't want me to do it. I will have to "find something else to do".

So, here I find myself, a little wifelet and mother at home, bored to dry tears, lonely, financially dependent, craving some brain food.

So does anyone have any ideas for what I could do???? I have no major hobbies - my work was my passion - although I go to the gym and love reading.

(BTW - this is just about how I feel - I don't want to open a debate about the whole SAHM / working mum thing.)

I can't imagine that volunteer work will answer the need for paid work.

So on both things that you feel equally strongly about (or the one's you have mentioned here) smacking and WOTH, he has effectively laid down the law!

Dear Lady, I would be looking for more than a job right now were I in your shoes!

I don't see how your DH can argue that one parent must stay at home to be with the DCs the whole time, but it is OK if the DDs are at nursery part-time while you do something that doesn't bring in money. It sounds to me like this is much more about his need to be sole breadwinner than any genuinely held beliefs about parenting.

Also, boredom and lack of stimulation can lead to depression, so the argument "not unhappy, just bored" is bollocks.

If it were me, I'd be putting my foot down.

Also boredom is horrific.

just go back to work - it's not going to impact him in the slightest and I think your idea of going for local government work is a good one.

' He says that as a parent it is his duty to put the kids welfare first ' - well if he feels like that, he can stay at home then can't he. And you're not affecting their welfare by going back to work!

'He says that I will be beholden to work commitments and won't be able to be there for the kids' - I think this probably says more about his fear that you will suddenly be asking him to help out when he either can't/doesn't want to because of his job.

I imagine if you just did it and he saw it could work, he'd probably chill a bit more.

Have you explained that working now will put you in a better position re flexibility when the kids start school as an employer needn't consider flexible working practices until you've been with them for a year (at least it used to be like that, it may have changed)

He needs to be a little bit more flexible in his views, I think, and can't really see his problem. I mean he's happy for them to go to nursery, but not happy for you to work......don;t see how he can say that and the say it's for the "kids best interests". what does it matter if you are at home or doing a hobby or working during the time they're at nursery....as long as you are there to pick them up. Does he understand how isolated you feel since you have moved? and that you need to develop as a person and meet new people, for yourself, not just because your LOs are at the same playgroup.

I hope you can get this resolved....good luck!

PS I did SAHM for two years after my DS was born, and although I loved it, I was more than ready to get back to work.

With my cynical hat on, is the underlying reason really the kids' welfare, or is he worried his dinner wouldn't be on the table when he gets home ? Are all his colleagues' wives SAHMs too ? Does it matter to him what other people think ? Rx

Ok everyone - enough DH bashing. That's my job and I do that very well. As I said below I have stipulated my position on this clearly to my husband and he happens to disagree. There is no more to it. My examples re smacking work were illustrations and if I were to go into the examples where my say goes it would be dull dull dull as they generally involve the minutiae of toddler parenting. I am not a brow beaten woman who asks how high when her husband says leap, so please, enough judgement of my marriage. Suggestions of looking for more than a job do not help and I find them offensive. Please respect this.

Those links for volunteer work are great and there are some roles on there that look very interesting and I will certainly look into them. Thank you for those.

Pennie the way you describe your husband then it does not sound as if you have a "choice" in the matter. He wants you at home and not out working. Are you really happy with that?
Just because you are doing a part-time job does not mean that you won't be there for your kid/s when they are sick, it's called sick days, and work will understand, trust me. I have been in this job for barely 6 months and have already had to take approx. 1 month off in total because the children had chickenpox and other "fun" stuff.
I don't mean to sound harsh but if you really want it then I say go for it

I wonder if he's so against you going to work because he works in the city where it is pretty tough for any parent, but especialy women, to maintain their colleagues respect and maintain all parenting duties.

I agree with foxinsocks - just get a job, then tell him all the provisions for childcare etc. And say that of course you will review the situation in a year, if you think your children are suffering because of you going out to work.

It doesn't sound to me as if volunteering will give you the challenges you need but I may be wrong.

daisybump - I have said that to him but because he works in an environement where flexible working only extends to how flexible in the amount of EXTRA hours you put in he simply does not understand how it works in other organisations, no matter how hard I try to explain.

Rosiemac - underlying reason? It's how he was brought up I think. I came from a family where both parents work full time so that' the basis of this I suppose.

I actually broke up with a university boyfriend over this. He was about to go and work in the city, and said he didn't see how I could work too and have happy children.

oranges - you're exactly right re. the City work.

I think that whilst volunteering may not give the mental buzz it might be a good way of illustrrating to him that me being occupied away from hom can work. Then I can simply point out that getting paid for it is even better!!

Good luck Pennies. I'm sure you'll work it out.

Why don't you agree to a trial period, I'm pretty sure council jobs have a 'settling down' period before they are made permanent. SO you could try it for 3-6 months and then review how things are working out for you. I suspect that your DH won't notice that much of a difference, except a happier wife and some more money. Councils are great employers if you have a family, that's definitely a good way to go.

I've gone back to work one day a week, going up to 2 days in the Autumn and it's been great, at the weekend I bought everyone new sandals and DH a new shirt and it felt great

Go for it pennies!

I hope you can work something out Pennies.....as much as I would love to be a SAHM, I know it would drive me potty in the end. I'm on mat leave at the mo and loving it (thank heaven for MN though) and want to go back part-time, but because of my job it may not be possible......need to think up ways of convincing my boss that it's manageable!

Xenia??? no? Give it time!

Firstly, i think you should kick your husband up the arse and suggest that HE stays home with the children for a period of time. Alternatively, just kick him up the arse.

I am a SAHM and for the most part i love it, and i agree that little people need their mums/dads around. But yes, i crave adult company and i don't mean the small talk kind i get at M&T either. But no, im not going to go down the SAHM/WM road, cos its personal choice do you hear me Xenia, personal choice ;) (lets not go there) but some wanker husband bashing might be appropriate!

I do get where your hubby is coming from and i wouldn't want to work full time just now, but part time might be good for all of you, because you have the two as well that makes nursery easier as they will have each other as a familiar face, when they are not too busy having FUN.

Another thought, if money is not an issue, is some further study, either just for the sake of it or related to your career, that could fit nicely around the children, um, that is if you have the energy, not sure i would just now but hey, its worth a thought.

You need to stand your ground though, it is YOUR chioce and as their mother you know what is right for your children, when he is at home with them 24/7 he has earnt the right to dictate arrangements. I'm not saying he dosent have the right to be concerned etc, but he should do you the courtesy of respecting your judgement.

sorry pennies, i did do a wee husband bash there, hadnt read your other post, just the first and then in true LEM stylee i just waded in with both feet Yes, we are all entitled to call our spouses wankers arent we but we should be careful when berating others, but its his opinions really i want to bash.

Surely he can see that you need some stimulation though, being a mum is rewarding but it does addle the brain tbh. That is often what makes it so hard. But as i said in my previous post, and this is worth a thought actually, it is a brave man in this day and age who sticks by those principals based on what he feels is right for his kids. So hats off to him for that, but he is wrong, not bad, just wrong.

Would it be completely impossible to have a roleswap for a period of time, for him to take a sabbatical and let you out into the big bad world for a bit?

principles, not prinicipals!

lucyellensmum - thanks for taking back the dh bashing - I really don't mind if anyone bashes his opinion. They have every right to! The rest of him is my perogative and I refuse to share it! Thanks also for acknowledging his open dedication to his children, and you're right about the sort or person (or bloke) who will declare it.

Sadly no sabbatical option available. His is just that kind of job.

One of the volunteer things was a CAB advisor - this would be good. I would get to advise people in much the same way as I advised people at work and it would probably present me with some interesting cases to keep the mind active. It would also give me a great sense of perspective on life to learn what other people experience.

LOL re. Xenia's whereabouts. But her response would be rather predicatable in this scenario wouldn't it! Bless her!

Pennies - I have seen adverts for CAB volunteers where they offer free childcare.

Thank you ekra - I will definitely look into that option.

It is awfully rich of your DH to insist someone stay home and look after the kids when he knows full well the someone won't be him.

If he really feels children need to be looked after by the parents 24 hours per day, then perhaps he should take a holiday every week so youcan go to work.

If my DH told me to stay home, he'd little little more than a shor burst of laughter... and possibly a slap.

Of course I think anyone who wants to stay home and is able to stay home should enkoy it. But, clearly you do not want to stay home full time. The bottom line is you are not happy. If you were, you wouldn't have started this thread.

PS I think your DH could use a short course at the Xenia School of Bluntery.

pennies - but - as you already know, of course, you ARE putting your children's welfare first by wanting to work part-time. a good mum is a happy mum. that's it.

so if it makes you happier and gives you the fulfillment small children (however much you love them) simply can't, you should go back to work. does dh realise how frustrated you are?
good luck