... or not it would seem. DH says no but I NEED to do something before I go mad (long, sorry)

[Pennies]

In the days BC (before children) I used to work in HR. I loved it and had changed career to get my qualifications to do it (spent two years doing evening study - nightmare). But then I got pregnant and had DD1, stayed off for a year during which time I got pregnant again with DD2. I went back to work full time for 3 months inbetween kids so I could qualify for maternity pay . DD1 went to nursery five days a week during this time. When DD2 came along DD1 dropped from full time down to 3 days a week at nursery.

Then we moved and DD1 now only does 2 mornings a week at our local nursery and DD2 stays at home with me.

DD1 is 2.6yrs and DD2 is 16months.

In the past DH and I agreed in principle that we feel it is best for our children to have a parent at home until full time education starts. DH can't do it (breadwinner) so it is me.

OK. So here I am doing the whole SAHM thing, in a new place with hardly any mates. I'm more than at little bit bored and totally miss adult company. I feel my conversation focuses solely on my children and I feel like two dimensional being. So whilst I still maintain that ideally kids benefit from having a parent at home until school it seems that in practice that is not working for me.

Anyway, I thought that I would return to work to get some intellectual stimulation, some money of my own, some adult company and also I think that my clingy DD2 would benefit from some time in nursery.

There are some jobs going locally in local government that I could do, are at my level of seniority and pay quite well so that we could cover childcare and not make a loss. Local governemtn work is great because the options for flexible work are huge which would mean I could do part time work pretty easily. I am not considering full time work at all.

DH says no. He says that as a parent it is his duty to put the kids welfare first (as if I don't WTF???) and that with that in mind and his traditional views then he doesn't want me to do it. I will have to "find something else to do".

So, here I find myself, a little wifelet and mother at home, bored to dry tears, lonely, financially dependent, craving some brain food.

So does anyone have any ideas for what I could do???? I have no major hobbies - my work was my passion - although I go to the gym and love reading.

(BTW - this is just about how I feel - I don't want to open a debate about the whole SAHM / working mum thing.)

I became an Usborne Organiser because of the boredom at home

Fits in with the family and today it only costs £4 for a starter kit of books and stationary worth £100 (a realy good special offer, is normally £38)

Take a look at my ad in the jobs section titled "work from home selling childrens books"

Fraid I don't have time to read the whole thread but WTF?!? Is your DH for real?

Personally I would love to not have to go back to work - but that's just me.

1. On the subject of the putting your kids welfare first, I would tell your DH that it is both of your duty to put your FAMILY first, not just the kids. That includes making decision that are right for you. It also includes your DH supporting you and your needs. Your children are not an convenient trump card for him to justify any passing view that pops into his head.
2. If your kids are in nursery anyway why does it matter what you are up to during that period?
3. If your DH is so concerned with the welfare of his family how about he makes an application for flexible working and compresses his hours to (say) 4.5 days a week, and looks after the girls one afternoon a week?
4. Would you DH object to you volunteering or doing charity work? If not then it seems to me this is more about your DH enjoying his position at head of the family/sole breadwinner, than any concern for your children's welfare.

I'm a SAHM with 4 of the darlings and find myself much in same position as you pennies my DH works in the city and earns enough for me to stay at home and therefore sees no need for me to work, and I actually don't think i'd fit it in anyway! I love my littleones dearly but would love to find something more mentally challenging than school runs and M&T clubs. If you find the answers please let me know?

sparklesandwine - glad I'm not the only one! what did you do before children?

Usbourne did cross my mind but I think I'd prefer to do something unrelated to children.

MissGolightly - most of your questions are answered in the thread here and there. I do like the trump card line tho and will definitely use it next time he tries to veto an idea!!

does your dh enjoy his job? maybe he justifies the long hours by saying to himself that his family need him to work so hard, and if you go back to work, it detracts from that. so you can just become higher maintenance and insist he continues working hard to buy you chanel couture to wear to your office once you start work.

LOL oranges. I did actually consider the high maintenance option in the small hours as I lay awake boiling with fury over the issue!

Where can I get myself one of these husbands who work in the city and can support me and my handbag habit?.....think I might trade in my poor DH

Mmmm.... collecting vintage couture sounds like a fine hobby to me . Or houses or gemstones or....

Pennies, If work was your passion I think you should go back. I'm in a similar situation to you although dh is happy for me to return. In fact I'm in your neck of the woods with an HR background perhaps we should start up our own HR consultancy?

i wasnt aware this was an issue of maintenance! I am sure pennies is far to intelligent to be worrying about her hand bag FFS! I think a husband that goes out to work to provide a stable background for his family is to be cherished TBH. Its his opinion on SAHM that we have issue with here, i hardly think Pennies is wanting to work for pocket money, just some mental stimulation. I most certainly do not EVER worry about handbags, or similar and i consider the tone of the posts a little bitchy and more than a little jealous, i shall wait to be corrected no doubt.

Lucyellensmum - thank you for your support. I am taking them as lighthearted gags. If anyone wishes to be bitchy then so be it. I hope i have made it clear that I have not started this to ask anyone to judge on my position or my DH as a person, just to give advice. I'll do my best to ignore those who judge and lap up the advice.

As for handbags... got a lush one from Topshop recently!

ooooh nogoes, great idea. can I work two days a week and (when they go to school in a couple of years time) have half term and school hols off?

Well, lem, Pennies was LOLing at the first high maintenance option so I think they were an effort join in with that spirit and lighten the tone given that she has now found some potential volunteering opportunities that may meet her criteria for stimulation. But stick with "bitchy" if you prefer.

pennies - i used to work in the motor trade doing company car leasing and it was great fun but didn't pay enough to cover the amount of child care we needed, so I gave up when my eldest went to school 4 years ago. Unfortunately for us mums once you become a mum no one really thinks that you had a life BC or that you want anything else and therefore they don't ask (so thank you for asking!). I go to playgroups and people there have jobs in HR, police, doctors, teachers etc but once your in that room you are all mums.

have you heard of pheonix cards? that is something you could do to fit around you I know a couple of people who do it and it doesn't revolve around children

Lucyellensmum...I was just trying to be lighthearted and funny.....sorry if I've offended you

HAven't read the whole thread - just the OP - but my DH was quite similar in his response when I suggested I went to work (ours was more for financial reasons that my boredom.....although it must be said I do enjoy being out doing something 'adult').

He was quite 'anti' the idea "why didn't I just stay at home with the DS's", "I shouldn't have to work I've got the DS's and their friends parents to talk too" etc etc.

However, it turned out I did get a job and he's actually been fine with it (not to mention helped our finances LOL)

TBH I think it was more a "man" thing of "I've got children now and I should be out at work supporting my wife and the DC so that my DC can benefit from time with their mum" - as opposed to the "how dare she think she can abandon our children"...

I think you definitely need to talk to him and explain how you feel

Pennies I am in a very similar situation, except that i used to work in the same high-pressured environemnt that our dh's do and so know that I couldn't go back to that because it would be impossible for me to combine it with looking after the family. My dh and I are very honest with each other about our current situation - whilst he respects me fully, he admits that he likes having a wife at home to look after him and his children. And I like the fact that I can stay at home and dispel the boredom by spending the money he earns and doing fun stuff like shopping and redecorating. But I do feel an enormous lack of purpose in my life, which did cause me to be very seriously depressed, even suicidal, and it's taken a year of drugs and counseling to get me over that. So don't underestimate the long term effects of boredom, however comfortable, on your mental health.

Pennies - if you're the parent taking day to day responsibility for the children then it's really up to you how you manage it. If you need them looked after by someone else for a period each day then that's really your decision, just as things to do with your DHs day to day work are his business. Start with a bit of voluntary work so you can then feed back to DH how much you get out of it and take it from there. He's probably been hearing stuff in the media about group childcare being bad for small kids etc etc and just needs you to be strong and clear that your kids will be just fine. I'm a SAHM but if my DH had ever told me that's what I HAD to do I'd have been back to work faster than a bolt of lightening. You can only be a happy SAHM if it's your own free choice.

Who made dh your boss? I know you said you didn't want any dh bashing, but really... he's out of the Ark on this one. 'He says that as a parent it is his duty to put the kids welfare first?' What on earth? So he gets to boss you around becuase he decides what is best for the children?

He is happy for the kids to go to nursery, so the actual problem here is he doesn't want you to work. What's really going on here? Perhaps he doesn't understand the work environment outside the City, but it sounds as if he doesn't want to know about it. There's a control issue here which I do think you need to address. He's happy for you to use childcare, just doesn't want you earning any money of your own - achieving any independence - while you are about it. I'd be worried by that, if I were you.

edam - it's not a "control" thing - more of a male ego thing? I know my DH certainly had it about me going back to work.........

I also think that work is a better option than voluntary stuff - I am chair of our pre-school, and studying, but am a great procrastinator, and without the impetus of set hours in an office and firm deadlines imposed by others, I have found it incredibky hard to get otivated. in many ways those extra responsibiities added to my depresion rather than helping it.

I think your dh is probably worried that if you go outto work, he will be expected to do more. And I almost hate myslef for saying this, biut he has a point. My dh works incredibly hard at a job that pays him incredibly well, but the only reason he can cope with the stress of work is because he knows I am at home to sort out everything else. He doesn't have to worry about making sure he has clean clothes, or that bills are being paid, or that holidays/entertaining are organised, or that his mothers day cards have been sent. Now some people (Hi Xenia) may say we have a very unequal partnership, but I know that I'm actually the lucky one.

prufock - good points there about the work/home workload.

(Don't personally 'get' this !unequal partnership" thing with regards to someone being happy as a SAHM and doing all the housework and their DH doing all the paid for work{

I think that if you want to be able to go out to work and maintain the current relationship you have, you need to demonstrate to him that you can work and still be the little wife. (Because tbh if you are only doing this for your sanity - why should his suffer) So work from the flexibility angle, and try to make him see that you will not have to make your life revolve around a local govt. job as much as his life has to revove around his job.

I also think you should try to take more responsibility for the family finances. I never feel that I am dependant on dh for money because I control it all - last night he had to ask me if there was enough in the current account for him to sponser a colleague £50! Being the one who pays all the bills, keeps track of investments, chooses mortgages etc means we both feel that all income coming in truly is joint

lol about the sponsorship money thing - DH and I have seperate bank accounts - TC, CB and my salary go into my account, his salary goes into his (kept it like that from when we nearly went bankrupt and most of the debts were in his name - so made sense to keep my account seperate).

Anyhow - despite this it's usually me that has the 'extra' money left over each month (unless he's had a particuarly big bonus any month) so I get requests for "can I have £15 for some new slippers", "There's some really good special offers on at HMV at the moment.....don't suppose you've got £20". etc etc -

Then if he's had a good month and doesn't need any input from me I have great fun spending the extra money however I like