Help: FT lawyer having a horrible time (long...)

[lemur]

All advice on how to sort my working world out would be gratefully received... here is the thing:

I have a 9.5 month DD, in FT nursery care, a job in the City as a FT lawyer in private practice and two male partner bosses who just don't seem to realise the pressure that the above combination creates. It is Saturday night and I have just had huge row with monster of boss because I have to be in meetings tomorrow (Sunday, yes, I know it is the weekend) and I physically cannot be there as have to look after DD. DP cannot look after DD as he has football match to play(and does not want to be dictated to by my bosses) I have no handy relatives nearby who can look after DD and cannot leave DD with a friend as the meeting could go on indefinitely (i.e until Monday...).

And why am I even worrying about that level of detail, when the point is that the monster boss has, beyond saying "well you are the breadwinner so DP should sacrifice what he is doing" is also making me contact all my childless colleagues in a grovelling fashion to ask them to go to the meetings tomorrow, to punish me.

I am a lawyer and I know that somewhere in all of the S**T that is currently part of my working world, there is something breaching some of my employment rights, but I am not an employment lawyer. DP is away all next weekend and I am supposed to be working then too. I feel like just not bothering to go into work ever again.

DD had Chicken Pox just before Christmas, I had to be home with her for 7 working days and the matter ended up being referred to HR and me having to take unpaid leave because I came into work one day while DP looked after DD and so lost my right to any more emergency leave for the rest of the time DD was contagious (as was not an emergency as I knew she had CP!!!). This gives you a flavour of the way it works at the firm I work at.

I have only been back at work since the end of September 2006 and the gruelling routine of half an hour each way walk to nursery and then to work plus the working on work from 8pm until midnight plus the manipulative bosses (who had/have wives at home to look after kids) being totally unreasonable plus the fact my mum died a month before DD was born and I miss her all the time = I am somewhat losing the plot. That is a bit of an understatement.

So I guess the question is, do I just accept that you cannot do it all and find new, normal, job doing something that will never mean I have to work after 5.30 or weekends, or try and win against forces of chauvinism in the City of chauvinists?

Ideas welcome. Thank you.

Plibble although I think it's harder for the milkman/nurse/policeman husband/wife combinations unless someone can tell me shifts don't get changed. I think if you have more money then it's easier to manage longer hours. On the deal I was mentioning on one call one of the lawyers in Israel (they were both women, botb mothers) left the conference call briefly to get in her car (and I assumed she was going a nursery or home to get a child although that wasn't mentioned) and then 3 minutes later she carried on from the call from car and we were working round time zones too which are another thing that has a big impact, not just meetings that last 12 hours but the other countries' hours too.

I was asked yeserday to do something in February half term which is fine. I can't take the 18 weeks the twins are off school each year off work and often it is a financial thing that that sum for that work thing is big enough to justify not going to X children's thing yet some other thing might not be worth it.

Oh Jura, you are sad.

(Uwila is nether a lawyer nor an accountant)

It's all very well to say that lawyers accept what the real deal is, and so they do. But on the other hand, staff retention issues are huge at the moment. Partners at my firm are seriously concerned about retaining/recruiting enough junior and senior associates to staff deals. The risk of not having enough associates to staff the deals that you want to do is a very real one.

It's all very well to say that lawyers accept what the real deal is, and so they do. But on the other hand, staff retention issues are huge at the moment. Partners at my firm are seriously concerned about retaining/recruiting enough junior and senior associates to staff deals. The risk of not having enough associates to staff the deals that you want to do is a very real one.

oops

Message withdrawn

I know. That's why because of the way markets work City law firms give lots more fully paid maternity leave than the 6 weeks at 90% pay the state scheme requires and why they try to think of ways to keep young male staff too. It's interesting talking to all these age 20 years olds (I have 3 children at university) and their friends and what matter to some (money) and others (work/life balance) and they sit there talking about exactly what is on this thread really - X is working all nighters already at an investment bank (the £60k a year new graduate job) and Y not earning much at all on the fashion magazine and Z is cogitating over how which route to go down etc.

Some clients are bothered about working hours too actually although may be that's rare. You may not want to instruct someone who has had 4 hours sleep whether that's because they have a small baby at home, a new husband who wanted sex every 2 hours all night or because they were in a meeting until 3am.

Having quickly read these latest messages, I still feel that it is perfectly reasonable for Lemur to expect he dh to give up his leisure activities at short notice if she has an emergency meeting at work. As others have said, if this is part and parcel of Lemur's job, her dh should support her. Even if the tables were turned, I don't think it is sexist at all - just two people working in a partnership, ensuring the smooth running of their working life and communicationg with each other.

It would, however, be less reasonable for Lemur to expect her husband to routinely give up his leisure activities because no one had bothered to arrange childcare. (assuming there was a good and affordable childcare option). Or if her husband was in disagreement about Lemur's choice of career it would unreasonable for Lemur to put extra demands on him without talking it through more.

Anyway I'm sure when Lemur comes back again, she will be wowed by all the detailed advice from all you lawyers and accoutants!

Xenia have you any regrets about the choices you made in respect of your career? Would yo do it all again exactly the same? Just wondering....

We're never short of words anyway. One problem some women have is just working and looking after children and sometimes they may serve themselves and their families better by doing things for themselves even if the chidlren and work are neglected that day. I notice this in myself and some men are better at achieving that balance. It's not therefore necessarily wrong for a priority to be given to a leisure activity if it makes the other things you do and life in general more bearable.

One problem is if one spouse insists on that better balance for themselves and the other thinks the gym, hair dressers, gossip with girl friends or golf should always be set aside if there is something domestic or a work thing to be done. At least being divorced I don't have those conflicts with a spouse in the same way.

Do I wish I had done a different career? I don't tend to regret things even my marriage. I think whatever work I had picked I would have ended up working for myself. From about age 10 I was really wanting to do that my some means or other if you look at the things my sister and I tried to sell as children, schemes and plans etc. I don't even rule not there being subsequent interesting new careers. It might be fun to develop my island etc At the moment it seems more important just to keep going given we had the divorce, next year my mother's death, then my father's dementia, 3 children to university in the last 3 years too. Not good years to be making significant changes.

I am glad I did not pick a career in an area riddled with sexism. I would direct the girls away from areas where women work hard and still find it hard to make inroads.

"develop my island"??? is that code for something smutty or some cultish self improvement programme? lol

I think you'll find Xenia actually has an island! Sounds a bit like "stealing my wind" or whatever it was on friends though doesn't it?

oooooh. i see. yeah right. and if you did would you post about that on here?

Xenia, indeed, some clients are asking for reassurance that the lawyers who work on their deal will not be utterly sleep-deprived, because that obviously massively increases the risks of mistakes being made .

cf2 it takes all sorts (as they say)

but i mean, really. more

D, it's true. You have to be so so careful when you're tired, check things again and again, much more than if you're not.

Island - yes. It's wonderful but it doesn't have a house on it yet. By the way they don't cost much more than Spanish villas. I took all 5 children out there in August but we didn't sleep on it. I was trying to be very safe and we stayed near by. ALl these things and more can be yours if you work hard in well paid work .... laughing as I type... I'm trying to think laterally of a clever way of building on it which doesn't cost anything but haven't yet come up with it. My have to be me with my axe, rope and palm fronds at this rate.

do you believe it is within everyone's reach to find well paid work? do you think you have achieved your material wealth through sheer hard work / force of will / sacrifices or are you privileged to be in your position.... through family you were born into / class / educational and other opportunities that enabled you to make the choices that led to your current situation? am genuinely interested. if the latter don't you think a little modesty / a little less boasting might be an idea?

an island??? where????

i don't suppose she'll tell us jampots.... but apparently it was cheap as chips....

controlfreaky - i have a question for you can you email me on [email protected]