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Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

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Original poster

Anyone fancy a thread for mums who work full-time?

334 replies

Oly5 · 30/09/2015 18:00

Hello, just wondered if any other mums work full-time and fancy a bit of a thread?
I adore my kids but enjoy working full-time too. I feel it's a massive taboo to say so. This thread is for people who feel like me, who are struggling to make it work, who wish they could work less. Anyone really!

OP posts:

LaceyLee · 12/10/2015 19:28

I would definitely agre with oly regarding the cleaner. Just do it or go on strike to make him realize how things would be without your efforts. I was wondering what you all do about health visitor appointments. Do you take time off work for them or do you not have them? I can't really be bothered to see mine but I got a letter today which I assume is for the under one check...

Want2bSupermum · 12/10/2015 20:04

I have no idea how people in the UK cope with HVs. Here in the US we have paediatricians who monitor babies and most offices are open on a Saturday and have appointments during the week from 7am - 8pm.

Original poster

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 20:53

I go to them if I think they're necessary. I would attend the development check but then my partner would do the next one etc. have you called them and explained you work full time and you need the earliest/latest appt they have? I find that works. I deliver the news with a "look, there has to be something that fits around my timings" tone

OP posts:

Likeaninjanow · 12/10/2015 21:00

Hi, I'd like to join in to pick up some tips, but not sure if I qualify. I'm contracted to do 30 hours a week. In reality it's 40-50 and lots of anti-social hours. Calls at 5am, through to midnight, with breaks to see the kids in between.

I'm on holiday this week, and the run up to being off was so stressful, I was almost crying in relief when I finally finished!

Anyway...hoping I can join in. Feel sub-standard at work, and the house is a tip

Original poster

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 21:08

Likey, you are definitely qualified to join!!! Come on board!! I reckon we all feel like that sometimes- under performing at work and at home! But how much of this is working mother's guilt? My partner doesnt seem to suffer from it! He works hard at work... And is a great dad (and believes he's a great dad) when he's at home.
I do think the key is splitting as many chores as you can 50/50 and getting paid help with all the sh:t bits!

OP posts:

Original poster

Oly5 · 12/10/2015 21:40

I've just re-read your post Likey. What do you think would improve your life? More help/working less? Better structure? What do you reckon?

OP posts:

Lucidlady · 12/10/2015 22:05

AAAAAAARGH DH has just come home an announced he's away overnight tomorrow. Not only that, he's likely going to be away for the next FIVE weeks. WTF AM I GOING TO DO?!

I cannot expect my boss to understand that for 5 weeks I will only be able to do 70% of my contracted hours but still pay me, can I? I think DH's company should fund some emergency childcare (currently we split drop off and pick up). Do you guys think that expecting them to pay would be reasonable? I really don't see why I should suffer just because of a completely different firm's client!

Need lots of but it's late so may need to settle for . Sob.

LowerBackPain · 12/10/2015 22:21

Hi Lucid,

My sister's company paid for some hours of childcare during the days when they asked her to work different hours (extra time at the evenings) to accomodate their US client. I think there is nothing wrong for your husband to ask if this would be an option? It is completely understandable if you work FT as well.

Want2bSupermum · 13/10/2015 00:13

What drives me nuts are people who think it's ok for the OH to be left on their own with young kids. DHs employer pays those who are married with children more than those without children. This is because there is an expectation that they need to be available to travel as necessary.

Forget asking for them to cover actual expenses. He should ask for an increase.

Lucidlady · 13/10/2015 06:53

Thanks both. What is also pissing me off is that DH seems unwilling to talk to his boss about childcare support. I've told him we cannot leave this to the last minute as I will be the one left shafted whilst he swans off. He just avoids the conversation.

I feel like I'm seeing a whole new side to him, and I don't like it one bit.

elastamum · 13/10/2015 09:40

Hi All, Mind if I join? I am a single parent of teens with a very FT job. Lucid, I feel for you, your DH obviously doesn't see childcare as a shared problem he sees it as YOUR problem. That is a big issue.

I have a similar problem in that in theory I share care of the DC with my ex. But he doesn't see it that way. As far as he is concerned the DC can stay with him when he is home (he travels a lot) and stay with me when he is travelling. Everything else is my problem. I manage the workload by massive outsourcing. I have a housekeeper who comes in 3 mornings a week. I do very little housework. It costs a bit, but it is worth every penny

Original poster

Oly5 · 13/10/2015 11:12

Hi Lucid, yes I agree that your DH needs to talk to his company.. Otherwise he shouldn't have agreed to work away for five weeks. Why is his job substantially more important than yours? In my relationship, I try to ha w the kids more if DH works away etc but this is partly based on the fact DH earns substantially more than me... It is his salary alone that keeps us going. But the main thing is he doesn't EXPECT me to do this, I just do it because the economics make sense and because I do have some flexibility in my job. It sound as though your DH just expects you to drop everything. And is he scared of looking 'weak' in front of bosses for help with chikdcare?

OP posts:

Original poster

Oly5 · 13/10/2015 11:14

Sorry for iPhone typos... You get the gist

OP posts:

AbeSaidYes · 13/10/2015 11:26

I work full time but as DS has just started school I have managed to change my hours so I can pick him up twice a week. Still doing the same hours so working late the other three days but it gives me a chance to feel more involved.

I have worked full time since he was about 9/10 months and went into a private nursery. I continued to breastfeed him and still do (I am one of 'them') at night time.

Luckily for me I just have a 'job' rather than a career but I wouldn't have wanted to stay at home, though I think I do a pretty good job as a mum who loves messy play, tramping through forests and generally hanging out with my child.

I have most of half-term booked off, it will be the first time I get to stay off with all the other mums and do several days of outings and other holiday stuff.

How do people make time for things like PTA and other school stuff? I have applied to be a parent governor but not sure how time-consuming it will be.

IKnowRight · 13/10/2015 13:38

Thank you for the cleaner feedback. I'll put it to him as a fait accompli I think. He does his share at the weekend, he will hoover, clean bogs etc but the point is we need to be spending the weekends doing things with the children who are suffering from beign asked to amuse themselves all weekend having spent all week in school / at childcare. I'd love to get someone in to mow the lawn once a week too, but baby steps...

How do people make time for things like PTA and other school stuff? This is the sort of thing I've given up in order to simplify my life. When I was part time I listened to readers at school and was on the playgroup committee but it just isn't possible any more. DD2's school has just set up a PTA but I haven't been able to join as all the meetings are during school hours . I will help out at weekends if they ever need someone. Other school stuff - I book half a day's annual leave or negotiate late start / early finish / extended lunch break with time made up elsewhere. Some stuff gets missed altogther unless I think it will upset the dc's if I don't go, eg special assembly with dd2 getting an award - wouldn't miss that for the world - stupid meet & greet the teachers thing (not parents evening that's done separately) - would have gone if not at work but didn't think it warranted half a day's annual leave to get there.

Millionprammiles · 13/10/2015 13:52

There is a very real problem with fathers not explicitly agreeing flexible working arrangements but relying on covertly leaving early/arriving late.

Its all fine when it works, but it can't actually be relied on. And the one thing that needs to be cast iron reliable is childcare arrangements.

OP: I'd be asking your dh to find and fund a suitable emergency nanny to cover either PU or DO during those weeks.

Want2bSupermum · 13/10/2015 13:54

DH phrased his conversation along the lines of 'we need to talk about my package in light of me being away for 5 weeks. I'm going to be incurring additional costs due to this.'

It's not about childcare only. There are additional costs like phone calls and cleaners.

Lucidlady · 13/10/2015 15:50

Thanks all, lots of food for thought.

I really don't know what he is thinking. He's normally very hands-on - he does all the drop offs for example, so definitely pulls his weight. He knows how tightly we are stretched to make sure that we are both able to work FT (I couldn't do my current job on PT hours long term) yet seems to think he can just wander off without any repercussions! Then had the cheek to accuse me of constantly nagging when I brought it up again earlier! I lost my temper at that point and asked him if he really wanted to see me hauled up for a disciplinary.

I'm looking into nannies now but have made it quite clear to him that I am not paying for it - either he or his firm is going to have to fund it somehow. Grrr.

Re PTAs etc, I've accepted I don't have time for this at the moment. I try to contribute in other ways, e.g. Sports days etc. And try very hard not to feel guilty!

Helenagrace · 13/10/2015 16:47

How do people make time for things like PTA and other school stuff? I've also given up on this. Fortunately our PTA is a cliquey group of underemployed, over-invested women so I don't feel I'm missing out much. I'm a governor at a secondary school and I prefer to invest my time doing that than flogging raffle tickets. Plus if they're going to hold PTA meetings in a naice village pub at lunchtime then it's clear they don't want the likes of me so I am absolved!

Alwaysinahurrynow · 13/10/2015 17:11

Place marking again

AbeSaidYes · 13/10/2015 17:55

Ah bum. I have the first PTA meeting this week which is when they form the committee so I was going to use that as a baseline judgement for how things are likely to proceed in the future.

Wings13 · 13/10/2015 18:35

Place marking again- will get a chance to reply some day!

Original poster

Oly5 · 13/10/2015 22:44

Oh I'm. Not at the PtA stage yet, DS is at nursery. Sounds intriguing.... And not something I'd be interested in long term!

OP posts:

Stillwishihadabs · 14/10/2015 05:03

Hello, I have been ft since may. So much better for my career, I have had to become ruthless. I simply can't pop to the shops midweek so requests for school equipment have to be made in advance. Iam lucky that dh works from home 2. days a week and my job s local. However we have minimal childcare, so do most of the pick ups/drop offs and homework supervision. The weekends aren't much of a break tbh.

Phineyj · 14/10/2015 07:07

My DH is doing the covert flexible working thing and I agree with the comments. He's working abroad this week and I am struggling (for 3 days though not 5 weeks wtf Lucid!)

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