High earning mothers

[ClarissaG]

I'm interested to start a discussion group for Mums and Mums to be who are juggling (or planning to juggle) a high flying career and motherhood. I loath to use the term 'Power Mums', but those who earn enough (£100k plus) to afford a team of help, but have the kind of pressures and working hour expectations that that level of salary brings.

I read the Mumsnet Guest blog with interest (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_blogs/1977242-Why-is-society-so-unsupportive-of-high-achieving-power-mums) but the comments less so.

Is there scope for a supportive group for such Mums with practical ideas, experiences and thoughts rather than judgement about whether we can 'have it all'?

I am mid thirties, a VC, 12 weeks pregnant and have not yet told my fellow partners. I want it all but have no idea if that is realistic or how my future is going to pan out!

Hi Laura - I think the norm is for the lower earner to be mummy tracked regardless of their gender. It is simple economics for most families. I think for many of the women on this thread however, our seniority levels often give us a level of flexibility that our husbands may not have if they are lower earners and so it gets trickier.

Bumble, if you've been mummy tracked then your DH will be daddy tracked also if he does 4 days.

Would that be so bad?

Both DH and I cannot do certain things in our careers (overseas projects, for example) because we both have careers. We still both have interesting jobs and decent time with the children even if we aren't on the fastest track.

BusinessUsual, no it wouldn't be an issue at all, it's kind of our ideal. The problem is where he works it's full-time or nothing, so a 4 day week isn't really an option right now.
However, he does have sufficient adhoc flexibility, so on the days I am in the office it is always my DH who does handover with our nanny, responds to emergency calls from the school etc.
In response to Laura, we earn very similar amounts, I used to earn more before we had children, now I earn slightly less than him, so it's not because of our earnings that I work reduced hours and not him, it's because there is (I think) inherent sexism in the way that women are expected/allowed to work reduced hours, but for men it is career suicide to a much larger degree. So whilst it would be better (for our family, and for us individually) if we both worked, say, a 9 day fortnight rather than I working say, a 4 day week and he full-time, there are too few male role models doing this and unfortunately my DH doesn't want to be a pioneer (although I am chipping away at this so you never know!).

I don't think that is always so I think for plenty of women it is as much career suicide to work full time as it is for men but women are made to cope with that suicide and lower earnings and it is easier socially to rely on their man for money thereafter.

I never liked housework or childcare so much I would prefer them to work so full time work always suited me best so I'm lucky. I would never want part time work.

Hi everyone, joining in for the first time. I am a high earner (well, I am by the OPs definition, but six figures plus doesn't feel very rich in London!). I work in the City full time and have 2 children.

I wanted to give my perspective on mummy track. I am on it and very happy to be so for the next year or so, but I have a definite plan (written up and agreed with my bosses) that that is fine for the time being, and I can step back on to the fast track as and when ready.

I'm not naive enough to believe that I won't have been overtaken by a few of my peers but for me it's worth it to take these early years a bit more slowly.

So, what I'm saying is, for some, it's worth embracing the mummy track for a bit. You can use it and then get off it.

I use a full time nanny, it's great. I never worry about the DC at work, it truly is another world.

I ocasionally feel guilty, but to me, not working seems impossible. I just can't get comfortable with not being independent and earning enough to keep myself and my children (even though I am married).

On and my DH works a 3/4 day week. That's amazingly helpful tho we had to work hard at the start to divide responsibility for home life fairly (ie he, quite rightly, does more of it, and it took a bit of time to get it working that way)

You have to realise if you do this that you will have a very different relationship wurh your children than a parent who spends more time at home .You simply won't know them so well and that is a shame.

Nonsense klingyston. You do realise you're writing off every high earning father there too?

Yes, I accept that I probably won't know my child quite as well as if I was home full time.

However I also will have more patience with them, more imagination to come up with interesting things to do with them, and more interest in sitting down and playing with them compared with if I was home full time. I will actively look forward to spending weekends with them, rather than it being just another day. I won't be bored or frustrated, which I would be if I spent all day every day with my DC. My DC will be cared for by a variety of people with a variety of strengths, rather than just me, and by people who actually enjoy spending all day with small DC and are good at it. Oh and I will earn enough (even net of childcare) to give my DC many benefits and options they would otherwise not have.

Given all those benefits, I can live with not knowing my DC as well as if I was a SAHM.

Do you fall into the description in the OP Klingyston? Are you a high earning mother? If not then I'm not sure why you're on this thread.

It's only taken 160 messages for this to appear. Not bad!

"You have to realise if you do this that you will have a very different relationship with your children than a parent who spends more time at home .You simply won't know them so well and that is a shame."

1. I don't agree. High earning women who tend ot have a high IQ tend to be better at bringing up children than some other women, better at psychology and better at organising their time and may well know their children much better than women who don't work.

1. It is not an hours game (although those obviously of more limited intelligence might think so) - how many hours you cleaned the floors and washed their clothes and wiped the bottoms. Love and parenthood really does not work like that.

You may well know your children better if you work full time and have a much better relationship with them and they and you a better life. The children will thrive and do better than if their parents were at home all day.

I know... I wish I'd been able to resist rising to the bait!

I don't even think it is neutral. I believe men adn women actively benefit their children both psychologically and materially if they are high earning and work full time. Just about every study done shows a high earning set of parents is great news for a child. If those parents are also happy and good at child psychology as bright people tend to be then that is even better for the child.

We all need to remember as well that, God willing, we will be parenting these kids for the REST of OUR LIVES. Parenting our children is about a lot more than the tiny amount of time we spend with them in nappies.
(BTW I'm not a high earner (alas) but I do work fulltime and have been a working parent for many years now)

Just checking in. I work in the City middle office, was front office pre-DC and back to fulltime no flex.

DS is now at school which I think makes childcare more of a juggle as when they are tiny you can get 52 week nursery and less emotional blackmail.

interesting to hear the challenges of dual career couples. I am an LP which means all the responsibilties fall to me but I don't resent a partner not pulling their weight which helps a lot.

I am a higher earner. My husband earns more than I do. I am the one who has to be home to relieve the nanny, do the shopping (thank god for Ocado), other general house stuff, and generally do night wakings.) I am on mat leave with #2 at the moment, and started another thread about going back to work vs staying at home a little while ago.

I think it is fair to say you don't have the same relationship with your children if you are at work vs if you are at home full time. It's not to say one is better than the other. But you do miss stuff working ft. You know them a little less well. and you have less time doing fun stuff / making memories. All of the points LauraBridges made above are also valid, but it is a different type of relationship . It will work for some mothers better this way, but not others.

I have huge guilt about going back to work FT (employer wouldn't contemplate less than this last time and assume will be same this time around). Maybe it's worse because I don't l love my job. I was def mummy tracked when I announced 2nd pregnancy; think they were hoping would only have one child !

Also checking in. Very interesting thread. I just about qualify for this, although technically I don't earn this pro rata as I work 3.5 days a week in the city.
I work a lot of evenings and reading this thread on my phone while waiting for my laptop to finish having a meltdown!
DH in same field and works full time.

Also checking in. Very interesting thread. I just about qualify for this, although technically I don't earn this pro rata as I work 3.5 days a week in the city.
I work a lot of evenings and reading this thread on my phone while waiting for my laptop to finish having a meltdown!
DH in same field and works full time.

What's a 'VC' as in the OP?

No guilt. If being a full time high earning mother is better psychologically for the children than if the mother is at home the only guilt would come if the mother gave up work.
My oldest have all graduated now. Really these fears of some that not being there to change `10 nappies rather than 3 when they are 6 months are totally unfounded. In fact if you work you have lovely times like I do with my daughters who call with City job type queries and all that stuff in common which you don't have if you've no career and your daughters do have careers. Having a similar career to your daughters and the money to ensure they graduate debt free and help them buy houses as well as the same professional and intellectual interests is a huge bonus.

There is no absence or lack of love because a parent works. It is not like sending them to live abroad for 18 years.

My daughter emailed me something she's been sent today relating to work (which went on about how good I was and I found amusing) and she was proud. The other daughter found a book I wrote in her firm's library they had just bought and she pointed out the book was dedicated to her. We are close. We love each others. I really don't think you could say - ah their mother worked so the relationship is bad. It is just a sexist myth to keep women down.

Laura I don't doubt what you say and am sure you have a fantastic relationship with your daughters. I find your comments interesting too as you have come out the other side as it were - your children are grown.

However I know a lot a families where the children are almost sidelined as a result of the pressures of work. Ithe nanny puts children to bed 4 nights in 5. I honestly don't think that is something I could ever be comfortable with. That is probably quite extreme though.

I take your point about having other things in common if your children also go into a similar field of work which must be nice but for me would be a relatively minor perk tbh.

Loving reading the updates... I think it's each to their own re priorities and what is best for their situation and great to hear everyone's different perspectives and what suits them/their families.

Currently having a not sure I can cope wobble and baby hasn't arrived yet . Combination of hormones and the realisation that this is going to be a long slog whatever I choose!

Agree re points re sharing of maternity but for my DP (as with others) it isn't a good move career wise for him even if it's for 6 months.

Don't quite earn the 6 figures, but as a LP with a progressing career it's a constant juggling act.
I have a wonderful child minder who does breakfast and pick up for me. I generally always finish on time, but I am a slave to the Laptop and Blacberry once DS is in bed.

I rarely take my son to school or pick him up, but i ensure I always make his weekly swimming lesson, and another class we do together.

I don't have guilt, I choose my life style, my son is adaptable and accepting of change, most of all he know I love him.

stopeatingbiscuits I agree that a working parent will inevitably miss stuff. But overall I'd still rather be working. Yes there might be some fun moments I miss out on but those are more than outweighed by the tantrums and snot wiping and tedium that I also get to miss . however if you genuinely enjoy being at home with DCs 7 days a week then that's a different situation. Do you?

A suggestion re going part time - after your next mat leave, could you use annual leave accrued during mat leave to take 1 day per week off (or even one day per fortnight) for a few months, and then use that period to show your employers it's possible to do your job 4 days a week?

I'm in a similar position to you btw - high earner but DH earns considerably more, so I do most of the nanny handovers and dd related admin. Financially a nice position but a lot on our plate! I do 4 days a week at work though and it does help with getting a bit of the admin done.

VC = venture capital firm