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Original poster

High earning mothers

698 replies

ClarissaG · 26/01/2014 17:29

I'm interested to start a discussion group for Mums and Mums to be who are juggling (or planning to juggle) a high flying career and motherhood. I loath to use the term 'Power Mums', but those who earn enough (£100k plus) to afford a team of help, but have the kind of pressures and working hour expectations that that level of salary brings.

I read the Mumsnet Guest blog with interest (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_blogs/1977242-Why-is-society-so-unsupportive-of-high-achieving-power-mums) but the comments less so.

Is there scope for a supportive group for such Mums with practical ideas, experiences and thoughts rather than judgement about whether we can 'have it all'?

I am mid thirties, a VC, 12 weeks pregnant and have not yet told my fellow partners. I want it all but have no idea if that is realistic or how my future is going to pan out!

OP posts:
cheminotte · 21/03/2014 07:30

As others have said, being super organised helps.Or school will provide a packed lunch for school trips for the same price as a cooked dinner. At first I thought I'd rather provide my own as I know ds will eat it and its cheaper. But ds prefers theirs and is a lot easier for me!

BrandyAlexander · 21/03/2014 08:38

Bryn one of the things I realise is that dh will always think we don't need more help yet he is less impacted than me because of what we each take care of in the household. I am learning to ignore him now and just make a decision.Wink

kalidasa · 21/03/2014 09:58

brynhilde I'm like that too. Most housework tasks I don't really mind and some I actually find quite satisfying. I also enjoy cooking and sewing and so on. But there just isn't room or time for me to do these things (apart from cooking) and still have any time/emotional energy for both DS and DH on top of work and ultimately I know that if I don't work or spend time with DH my mental health suffers very quickly; whereas if I never do any ironing it makes no difference to my health and happiness at all.

It is difficult though when your internalised picture of "a mother" is partly based on doing those things. My mother didn't go out to work when I was a child (though later on she did some tutoring at home), and she has always made domestic tasks and responsibilities really central to her identity/sense of achievement. You absorb these things so early on that it can be hard even to be aware of how they are constantly making you feel that you're not doing it "right", I think.

It's also a bit tricky with my mother herself - in theory she is very supportive but in practice she just can't get to grips with what a full time job - especially a professional job - with a young family means. For instance, whenever we are having a difficult patch she always immediately suggests that I go up to stay with them (by the sea in Suffolk) with DS for a few days. Would be lovely except that I am AT WORK!

BusinessUnusual · 21/03/2014 10:35

Yy kali. I'll have friends/relatives in SAHP set ups say "poor you, you sound busy...Have you sorted out the shed roof yet?"

Aargh, no, when would I or DH have done that when I've just told you I've not been home before 10pm for three days!

Softcookie · 21/03/2014 14:19

My dh learned yesterday that his company is in deep shit. We don't know yet, it might be ok, or it might fold before the day is over.

I have never been this glad to have a career.

minipie · 21/03/2014 14:26

Wow softcookie. Hope things turn out ok.

IceNoSlice · 21/03/2014 15:41

Gosh softcookie, that's hard. I know how you feel - the company DH worked for went into administration in Nov 08, and it was a difficult time. But longer term (and in hindsight) there were a few silver linings. I hope he has good news (and it isn't worst case).

kalidasa · 21/03/2014 17:58

Fingers crossed for you and your DH softcookie.

NK5BM3 · 21/03/2014 20:16

Oh no soft cookie! I hope you do get some news soon, my dh was made redundant from his job over 2 years ago, and he set up his own practice. It's doing v well but of course it's about building up a solid clientele (and he does have that) but due to the nature of his work, it's quite difficult to estimate the income coming in since there's a long lag time.

I was very thankful I went back to work after 6 months each maternity leave and well, I just can't imagine if I was a sahm or if I'd a career but gave it up and then had to think about rejoining it again...

Good luck

kickassangel · 21/03/2014 22:18

Yes, we've been through this too. Actually dh worked for a company for years that wasn't really solvent so we always lived on a shoestring and saved like buggery. Now we both have reasonably secure jobs and still live well within our means just out of habit.

Having two incomes can make it so much easier when faced with situations like this. Hope you come through it OK. My experience is that these things can be slow and painful.

Softcookie · 22/03/2014 06:42

Thanks all. We seem to be ok for now. But it really does bring it home.... 2 incomes are better than one despite all the sacrifices we have to do to keep it together.

have4goneinsane · 22/03/2014 07:06

we had similar a few weeks ago when DH was told he was going to be made redundant within the week ... they then changed their minds thanks to a few seniors acting in his favour

but it does bring it home to you how vulnerable you are on one income, it's made me more determined to get my business flying where it should be.

Original poster
ClarissaG · 25/03/2014 15:54

Hello all, loving the thread. I'm flying along at 20 weeks enjoying not being so sick, and much less concerned now having told all Boards and fellow partners. I'm only planning 6 weeks off post birth (and will most likely dial into Board meetings) so really there couldn't be a problem and they were very good, no financial consequences etc

So ....I feel like I've lost my radar of what is acceptable. I ask this just out of interest, I thought this was quite amusing rather and certainly didn't take offence). I tell the Board as part of general 'chit chat' post meeting yesterday that I was pregnant and Chairman responds 'ahh, yes I though you had quite a bit of weight on'

How would you respond?!!

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Original poster
ClarissaG · 25/03/2014 16:00

sorry 'put quite a bit of weight on'....but you get my drift!

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minipie · 25/03/2014 16:35

Grin bet he felt jolly embarrassed about that afterwards once he thought about what he'd said! (or at least I would hope he did)

I can't get too wound up about that sort of remark tbh although ideally it wouldn't be said. Pregnancy does seem to make you fair game for personal comments about bump size etc.

minipie · 25/03/2014 16:38

How would I respond? Probably something like "at least I have an excuse" or maybe "not sure you should be noticing that kind of thing" if I felt a bit braver/more aggrieved... In both cases with a Grin

BusinessUnusual · 25/03/2014 18:13

Clarissa, glad it went well.

I think it was a bit off but I got some choice ones from corporate financiers during my PG so prepare yourself for worse!!

Mitchell2 · 25/03/2014 18:48

Um thanks?! Grin At least he noticed. I told the chair of one of my boards at 24 weeks and she said oh, i cant really see it. Hmm Now I am not the most svelte girl out there but def had a proper bump at that stage - I don't know if she was trying to be polite or inferring worse!

Having a bit of a wobble at the moment - really not loving my work and not sure what I should do. I have always known that culturally that this work place doesn't work for me and for a long term career its just not appealing to stay. I was going to start looking around mid year for my next move but alas I fell pregnant and now starting maternity leave then. Realistically for financial reasons I am only able to take 4 months off but really feel in a weird position. I want to start looking now but know that I can't and have to hang on but starting to look for a new position (which probably will take a while to find something ) during maternity / after I get back seems like too far away for my sanity!

kalidasa · 26/03/2014 08:01

Clarissa my HoD was weirdly mesmerised by me when I was pregnant. It was sort of like those sleazy men who can't keep their eyes off your cleavage, except that he just simply couldn't tear his gaze away from my bump, he was totally transfixed every time he saw me, made conversations extremely awkward. It was quite odd - he is a nice man and very "right on" so I was surprised, and I could tell that he realised he was being rude and somehow just could not stop himself! Really it's such an everyday thing being pregnant, but it does get at people in a very profound/basic way and prompts all sorts of surprising reactions.

I have just received this book in the post: www.cam.ac.uk/women-at-cambridge

I think someone mentioned it earlier on this thread. It seems interesting. I'll report back when I've read it!

cheminotte · 27/03/2014 13:10

Thanks for coming back Clarissa. I was wondering how you got on. I had similar when I announced my first pg albeit 2nd hand 'x said she though up were getting a bit podgy!'. Best to just laugh it off I think.

Original poster
ClarissaG · 27/03/2014 18:26

Yep, I did think it was funny. It takes an awful lot more than that to upset me!
I have to say, I'm finding pregnancy in the context of professional life quite odd. I am one to keep my personal life and business life COMPLETELY separate, but being pregnancy suddenly gives everyone an opening to get 'more personal'. I probably sound like an ice queen now, but in a 100% mans world (no exaggeration) it's always the way I've dealt with it. Anyway, ramblings.

Much as I am really excited about having a baby, I can categorically say i am NOT enjoying being pregnant!

Hope things are going ok Softcookie - I work with lots of early stage companies and the majority have been through at least 3 'near death' experiences. It may not be an early stage, but ofter things have to get seriously bad for a turnaround which will be better long term. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClarissaG · 01/04/2014 07:15

There was an article about this in the Times today www.thebumpclass.com/index.html. What are peoples experiences of antenatal classes, are they worth spending more time on than the basic NHS minimum of a couple of hours? I have no fancy ideas, I think a birth plan is a waste of time - what will happen will happen, the more drugs the better and of course its going to hurt. (This probably isn't the right thread for this question, but I like everyone's opinions and strong mindedness, occasional non PC, on this thread!)

OP posts:
BusinessUnusual · 01/04/2014 07:24

Clarissa, I found it a useful time to make some local friends (both NCT and GP classes) which was good (a) during maternity leave and (b) now when I need quick cover in a childcare emergency. Plus we all socialise still!

Also the classes were informative.

MillionPramMiles · 01/04/2014 08:49

Clarissa: in terms of objective, useful information, I found the NHS classes more useful but the NCT classes were invaluable for making maternity leave less lonely. If you already have friends who have young children, won't be at work and live locally then it isn't so important. But how many of us in London have that?

I found the NCT classes were very focused on the labour rather than post-natal advice (which is insane when you think about it). They were quite reluctant to talk about interventions, c-sections etc and I received a big frown for asking about episiotomies. There seemed to be a bit of over-emphasis on massage...

The NHS class was in the hospital so was quite handy to be able to look around the labour wards.

BusinessUnusual · 01/04/2014 09:04

"I found the NCT classes were very focused on the labour rather than post-natal advice (which is insane when you think about it). They were quite reluctant to talk about interventions, c-sections etc and I received a big frown for asking about episiotomies. There seemed to be a bit of over-emphasis on massage..."

I think they vary - mine was pretty good on all the "options" and there was stuff on baby care but I was too focussed on the labour part!!