Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Feeling left out at work - is this unfair?

107 replies

AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 21:45

Hey all,

Just wanted to canvass opinions on this - please be kind to me.

A work colleague is having a 'do' to celebrate a milestone birthday. She has invited virtually everybody we work with - except me and a few other people. I have had some issues with this woman - she was my mentor when I first started and this seemed to make her feel she could boss me about even when I was long past my probationary period. Things came to head this spring when I complained to our line manager about her constantly nagging me, even to the point of following me to the toilet (to check that I was going to the toilet and not skiving!). Our line manager had a word with her and she backed right off, with the result that I was much happier to work with her. I really felt things between us were resolved and I never disliked her as a person anyway - she is really good at the job (a caring role) and I understand why she was picked to mentor me.

So I was really upset to find out that I haven't been invited to her party, especially as virtually the whole of the rest of the department has - it is not like she has only invited people she is particularly friendly with. Other members of staff have had similar 'dos' and just put a notice up in the staff room, inviting anybody who wants to go. One of my other colleagues reckons this colleague hasn't done this because she doesn't want people allied with our department, who we hardly work with, turning up. But am I alone in thinking that if you're having a party it's only fair to either invite all your work colleagues or invite none?

It is a fancy dress party - everybody else is busy planning their costumes, whilst I sit there feeling like a total muppet.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 21:49

Could it be that as your mentor, she felt that while she was trying to teach you the role, and keep you out of trouble (ensuring you did not skive off - had you given her a reason to think you would?), you actually got her into trouble by complaining to her superiors.

I dont think you have any reason to expect an invitation to her party.

nancy75 · 08/09/2012 21:51

You made a complaint about her to your boss, you are not really friends and you are not the only one not invited, I think you are being oversensitive, she can invite who she wants to her party

rainbowinthesky · 08/09/2012 21:53

If someone at work had put in a complaint about me although I would be civil I would never invite them to a birthday party. I am surprised you are surprised.

pinkappleby · 08/09/2012 21:54

I suspect she has decided she doesn't like you because you 'told' on her but is professional enough to not let you know this in a work context. Which is fair enough. Did you try to speak to her about bossing you about before you went to the line manager?

I understand why you are upset though.

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:01

I had been in my job for almost 2 years when I made that complaint! Like I said, I was well past the probationary period (of 6 months).

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:03

And I feel it is kind of a work 'do', because she has invited so many people from work. She is not close to all of them, by any means.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 08/09/2012 22:07

Her "do" so her right to invite who she wants , and you did say its not only yourself that has not been invited. Get over it !

nancy75 · 08/09/2012 22:09

If it's not at work and work are not paying for it then it's not a work do! It's her birthday, if she doesn't want you there why should she invite you? To be honest this sounds like a conversation people have about inviting a whole class of 5 year olds rather than adults in a place of work.

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:10

Floral, I did say be kind. I already feel like a muppet, it's not nice to kick people when they're down.

OP posts:
HoratiaWinwood · 08/09/2012 22:11

Why the actual fuck would you want to go to the party anyway?

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:11

Why should it hurt any less just because you're an adult and not a child, nancy?

OP posts:
HoratiaWinwood · 08/09/2012 22:12

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh cross-posting with yours, but I really mean "you're well off out of it".

Could you arrange yourself a lovely night out with non-work people for your own peace of mind?

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:13

Why would I not want to go and socialise with my colleagues? When I'm not working I'm a stay-at-home mum, my social life is pretty much non-existent. (I'm the only of my department who works part-time).

OP posts:
nancy75 · 08/09/2012 22:14

Because you should be old enough to understand that it's not possible to be friends with everyone you meet, and also to realize that people you work with are allowed to have a life outside of work and it might not involve you!

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:14

It is not just going to be your colleagues there, but her entire circle of friends, it is not a work do!

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:14

X-post. That's the thing, Horatia, I don't have non-work people I can go out with.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:16

Your lack of friends and a social life is not this womans problem, and still no reason why she should invite you to her major celebration. You are not her friend, you quite possibly got her into trouble with her own supervisors in work!

I think you need to work on ways of developing friendships and get a bit of a social life.

Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:16

There's really no need to be nasty, nancy. I don't expect to be friends with everybody I meet but I do think it behoves work colleagues to be friendly as they have to spend time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:18

I didn't get her into trouble, our line manager had an informal word with her and that was the end of it (as far as I was concerned).

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 22:19

I would very much like to improve my social life and I welcome your suggestions as to how I could do this, Quintessential.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 08/09/2012 22:20

I'm not being nasty, I'm sorry that you don't have other people to go out with, but that is not this woman's fault. Being polite and nice to ea h other at work does not mean she has to invite you to her party, you can't dictate that she has to invite all or none of her workmates

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:20

They have to spend time together and be civil when they are in work. Not in their spare time, not at their birthdays or weddings, etc.

You should maybe thought about being friendly when you had concerns about your colleague, rather than complain to her bosses?

Is there any special reason why you would need a mentor?

HoratiaWinwood · 08/09/2012 22:21

It is tricky to make friends out of work if you work long hours and/or have significant family commitments. Been there.

It is pretty rude of your colleagues to go on about it during work hours if not everyone is invited. Do they know you're excluded?

Viperidae · 08/09/2012 22:21

It does hurt OP. In one of my jobs a while back, a colleague who had moved on to another branch got married and invited all of our department except me. The odd thing was she had invited some people who she barely knew and who did not expect to go.

It was hurtful and nobody ever knew why but I just had to accept that, if she would do that she was a bitch not a friend.

In the long run it's her loss.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:21

Could you join a club or activity? Take classes in something you are interested in? Could you make friends with other mums? Play groups with your child? Or is your child school age?