Feeling left out at work - is this unfair?

[AlexanderS]

Hey all,

Just wanted to canvass opinions on this - please be kind to me.

A work colleague is having a 'do' to celebrate a milestone birthday. She has invited virtually everybody we work with - except me and a few other people. I have had some issues with this woman - she was my mentor when I first started and this seemed to make her feel she could boss me about even when I was long past my probationary period. Things came to head this spring when I complained to our line manager about her constantly nagging me, even to the point of following me to the toilet (to check that I was going to the toilet and not skiving!). Our line manager had a word with her and she backed right off, with the result that I was much happier to work with her. I really felt things between us were resolved and I never disliked her as a person anyway - she is really good at the job (a caring role) and I understand why she was picked to mentor me.

So I was really upset to find out that I haven't been invited to her party, especially as virtually the whole of the rest of the department has - it is not like she has only invited people she is particularly friendly with. Other members of staff have had similar 'dos' and just put a notice up in the staff room, inviting anybody who wants to go. One of my other colleagues reckons this colleague hasn't done this because she doesn't want people allied with our department, who we hardly work with, turning up. But am I alone in thinking that if you're having a party it's only fair to either invite all your work colleagues or invite none?

It is a fancy dress party - everybody else is busy planning their costumes, whilst I sit there feeling like a total muppet.

Agree with others who have said until you understand your role in these sorts of dynamics you will continue to have issues with relationships and interactions. Try Penny Ferguson's stuff on personal leadership. If you can afford it I think her course might be beneficial.

"I think the reason why you have been given a hard time is that several handfuls of people have told you the same thing, yet you still seem unable to comprehend that a birthday invite was highly unlikely bearing in mind your working relationship breakdown."

How does my comprehension or lack thereof justify telling me I'm like a child? Rudeness is rudeness.

By the way, that was not the only time our line manager has had to speak to my colleague about her attitude - that I know because she told me! - though I don't what other incidents led to her getting a talking to. So I'm not alone in having had issues with her.

clearly you feel personally aggrieved by me,hence the swearing and rebukes
I will continue to post,as will you,and it's up to you whether or not to rehash old or current gripes
plenty times I read posts I love,loathe or make me laugh. but I don't carry that around mn - words on a screen and all that

It seems others don't have such a serious issue with her as you though, as they all seem happy enough to go to her party and celebrate her birthday. It doesn't sound as though she is unpopular - whereas you've said yourself that you struggle to make friends.

Maybe you need to focus more on yourself, and making yourself the best person you can be, rather than looking outwards and seeking to find fault with others. Everybody has faults - perhaps your expectations of others are too high and that's why you keep feeling let down and disappointed? If so, lowering your expectations might make you happier (and easier to get along with).

I can see why you are upset . I had a similar thing happen to me and it is hurtful. I think the best thng is to book something else for that night so when asked if you are going you can say "No. I am doing such and such". You can't get on with everyone and its this womans perogative to not invite you. I think this would be down to you reporting the woman to her manager. I can see why you did - following you to the loo is odd - but in hindsight its not the best way to have dealt with it. Generally speaking I think work is not the place for confrontation and reporting should be last resort and for situations you just cant deal with yourself. I work in a young environement and often see people getting wound up about things and asking me (as I am the old girl ) if the they should say something. I always say sleep on it and then think of the long term consequences of confronting someone. Its rarely the best solution. There's nothing like simmering resentment in the office. Anyway, the party will be over soon and that will be that.

Op, you do not seem to understand the significance of making a complaint about a colleague. This is something I consider to be very serious.
How you could possibly think that someone would invite you to thier party, after you have made a complaint about them, I do not comprehend.

certainly I'd not invite an aggrieved colleague to my non work do
need to be boundaried and protect herself from complainant
I'm surprised op is feeling hard done to