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Original poster

Feeling left out at work - is this unfair?

107 replies

AlexanderS · 08/09/2012 21:45

Hey all,

Just wanted to canvass opinions on this - please be kind to me.

A work colleague is having a 'do' to celebrate a milestone birthday. She has invited virtually everybody we work with - except me and a few other people. I have had some issues with this woman - she was my mentor when I first started and this seemed to make her feel she could boss me about even when I was long past my probationary period. Things came to head this spring when I complained to our line manager about her constantly nagging me, even to the point of following me to the toilet (to check that I was going to the toilet and not skiving!). Our line manager had a word with her and she backed right off, with the result that I was much happier to work with her. I really felt things between us were resolved and I never disliked her as a person anyway - she is really good at the job (a caring role) and I understand why she was picked to mentor me.

So I was really upset to find out that I haven't been invited to her party, especially as virtually the whole of the rest of the department has - it is not like she has only invited people she is particularly friendly with. Other members of staff have had similar 'dos' and just put a notice up in the staff room, inviting anybody who wants to go. One of my other colleagues reckons this colleague hasn't done this because she doesn't want people allied with our department, who we hardly work with, turning up. But am I alone in thinking that if you're having a party it's only fair to either invite all your work colleagues or invite none?

It is a fancy dress party - everybody else is busy planning their costumes, whilst I sit there feeling like a total muppet.

OP posts:
VirtuallyHere · 09/09/2012 07:11

I don't understand why you didn't tell your mentor after 2 years you no longer needed one or ask for someone different (thanking her for her involvement but saying you may benefit from another). However as the action is done now I think you just have to accept no invite. There is no way I would invite a colleague who had complained to my manager about me to a personal party. I would be civil to them at work as that's what professionalism is about. Depending what day the party is I'd be tempted to take the one after it as leave as you may find all your colleagues will be discussing it at work which sounds like it could be difficult.

SavoyCabbage · 09/09/2012 07:20

Have you invited the other lady to any social functions since you reported her? Like popping out for lunch or going to dinner in a group?

FamiliesShareGerms · 09/09/2012 07:27

scottishmummy's not a troll, FFS, she just says it how it is in plain forthright language. She's not abusive or goading, and I have reported your accusatory post.

As for "get off my thread"... You realise anything you post on here isn't "yours", it's literally open for anyone in the world to read and comment on. If you don't like that, don't post.

fivegomadindorset · 09/09/2012 07:33

I love it, you get umpteen posts telling you to get over it and the only one you tell to fuck off is ScottisMummy, I agree with everyone else, perhaps she was being friendly but you don't understand the concept of friends and she has had enough, don't blame her really.

Geordieminx · 09/09/2012 07:33

I.can totally see why you haven't been invited to the party... You sound like an absolute nightmare.

It's ok though, don't worry about it because everyone on this thread is wrong, and everyone at work is horrible... Hmm

kilmuir · 09/09/2012 07:38

You sound like my 6 year old.
Not your party, not a works do, so get over it

StillSquiffy · 09/09/2012 07:40

people should just be nice to each other, end of

Um, like, you were really nice to her when you got her in trouble at work.

You should thank your stars that even though you got her in the shit at work instead of just talking to her, she managed to maintain a completely professional relationship with you and managed to hide her dislike of you so well.

She's the only one who's coming up smelling of roses in this one, whereas you sound like a 5 YO. Have you wondered why you don't have any friends? Because if you want things to change you have to realise that you are the one who needs to change your behaviours, not others (and certainly not the partygiver)

Roopoo · 09/09/2012 07:58

Its not a works party
Its a private party
After the history between the 2 of you it's understandable why you weren't invited.
Thats the thing with private parties you only invite who you want there and it would appear she doesn't want you there.

SminkoPinko · 09/09/2012 08:06

Oh dear! Car crash thread. Were you a bit pished, AlexanderS?

Just for your information, scottishmummy probably won't be inviting you to her party!

bleedingheart · 09/09/2012 08:25

I can understand why you would be upset OP. when I worked part-time I felt very left out of the cliques at work even though I'm grown up enough to know that I was being a bit silly. When your life is divided between work and kids you can find yourself leaning on work for the social side.

I would have confronted her about the toilet thing but I'm a bolshy bugger. I think she has the right to invite who she wants but you have also attached too much self-worth to this invite.

SapphireandFevertree · 09/09/2012 08:30

Op you say there is no such thing as over sensetive, it's just what people say when they've been nasty. No it's often what people say when you think someones been nasty and they haven't meant it that way! And for the record I think your over sensetive!

If I had a problem with someone I worked with, before I went up the chain of command, I would speak to them directly. It helps you maintain friendly work relationships and will mean people respect you more. Accusations of bullying (which is what your report to your line manager sounds like) are very serious and can loose people there jobs. I wouldn't have invited you to my party in that situation but would also assume you wouldn't have wanted to go!

I also think your attacks on scottishmummy are bullying, but I recon she's a big girl and can stand up for her self!

Can I suggest you read "how to win friends and influence people".

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/09/2012 08:35

I see people have their cunty hats on this thread

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/09/2012 08:36

Damn, I meant

I see people have their cunty hats ON on this thread

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/09/2012 08:37

OP, it must feel a bit crap when everyone is planning the party outfits.

Just sit it out and it will be old news soon:)

scottishmummy · 09/09/2012 12:21

damn what did i miss
have i been given my mn marching orders.
this is priceless,unintentionally funny as argumentative irascible op wonders why shes not invited to a party....

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/09/2012 12:28

Stir that shit up, wouldnt do for people to stop kicking the OP would it!

QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 12:30

Op.

It strikes me that you want double standards.

You ask that people be nice to you. But you yourself dont have to be nice?

You got your mentor into trouble in work. That was not nice.

Yet, you are upset that she has not invited you to a party.

Do you see a pattern? Do you see that you have a role to play and may be the reason you have no friends, no social life and are not invited to parties?

Being "nice" applies to you too!

Not that scottishmummy needs defense, but it is insane to call her a troll. She is blunt and outspoken, but not vicious. If you dont like peoples advice, you cannot shield yourself behind "but, but, I asked you to be nice to me".

We are nice. We are giving you advice. If you dont like the advice, it is not our fault!

emsyj · 09/09/2012 13:14

I think on the whole that it isn't very nice to invite the majority of people who work in a particular place to a party outside work and exclude only a few - it's not something I would do, personally - not least because I would think it would reflect badly on me.

But OP, some of your posts on this thread show an unpleasant side to your character. If you want to make friends then you need to look at yourself and accept that it's not 'them', it's you. This is good news really when you think about it - because you can change you, but you can't change 'them'. If you modify your behaviour then things can change - but you have to first recognise that the world doesn't owe you friendship, you have to seek out and cultivate friendships, and work on them and make an effort. You can't just sit back and say 'oh everyone should just be nice to me and invite me to things'. Real life doesn't work like that.

garlicnutty · 09/09/2012 13:20

I agree that "oversensitive" is the insult of bullies, Alex. What you seem to have missed is that everybody's sensitive and we all have a responsibility to respect other people's feelings. If we think we might be about to hurt someone's feelings, we try to do it respectfully and to minimise the damage. Your posts, as others have pointed out, show you're only seeing one side of the road - your hurt feelings - where really you need to be negotiating the traffic in both directions! I recommended an assertiveness course because I think it will help you do this more effectively.

Original poster
AlexanderS · 09/09/2012 14:18

Maybe I should have just put up with her following me round and criticising my work, and making my working life miserable,Quintessential? I've already said I didn't know how to raise it with her. I've no problem with people giving me advice or their opinion - e.g. I shouldn't have expected an invite, I shouldn't let her know I'm upset about not being invited etc. - but people telling me I'm like a 5 year old is neither a.) polite nor b.) constructive. Seriously, would you like that or would you also feel attacked?

scottishmummy is more than blunt and outspoken, she attacks every OP she responds to. MNHQ can see there is a problem as it's deleted at least one of her posts on here, I've not had a chance yet to look back through the thread and see if it's deleted others. She is the bully, all I have done is attempt to defend myself from her.

Geordie, please do point out where I've said everybody on this post is wrong.

Thank you fanjo.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderS · 09/09/2012 14:19

Hmm, that should have been Quinessential.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderS · 09/09/2012 14:19

D'oh! Quintessential.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 09/09/2012 14:27

"Scottishmummy is more than blunt and outspoken she attacks every OP she responds too"

I agree with this OP and was going to PM you but best to say these things out in the open really isn't it?

I reiterate that you shouldn't expect an invite be grateful for not getting one more like but agree with the above.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 14:28

"Maybe I should have just put up with her following me round and criticising my work, and making my working life miserable,"

Fair enough that you did not know how to deal with this yourself, and complained to management about her.

But do you not see that with this back history, you cant expect to be invited to her birthday party. FGS, she followed you around and criticized you, you complained, and think you should be pals and go to each others celebrations!?

I think the reason why you have been given a hard time is that several handfuls of people have told you the same thing, yet you still seem unable to comprehend that a birthday invite was highly unlikely bearing in mind your working relationship breakdown.

Lolwhut · 09/09/2012 14:36

I would feel put out by this too although, I can understand why the mean colleague did not invite the OP. I think it is one of those things where you have to try and not let it bug you. I might not be too quiet about the fact I had not been invited and I might let my other colleagues know that it might be more tactful if they did not go on about it at work.

Also, best ignore the snarky posters Confused