Feeling left out at work - is this unfair?

[AlexanderS]

Hey all,

Just wanted to canvass opinions on this - please be kind to me.

A work colleague is having a 'do' to celebrate a milestone birthday. She has invited virtually everybody we work with - except me and a few other people. I have had some issues with this woman - she was my mentor when I first started and this seemed to make her feel she could boss me about even when I was long past my probationary period. Things came to head this spring when I complained to our line manager about her constantly nagging me, even to the point of following me to the toilet (to check that I was going to the toilet and not skiving!). Our line manager had a word with her and she backed right off, with the result that I was much happier to work with her. I really felt things between us were resolved and I never disliked her as a person anyway - she is really good at the job (a caring role) and I understand why she was picked to mentor me.

So I was really upset to find out that I haven't been invited to her party, especially as virtually the whole of the rest of the department has - it is not like she has only invited people she is particularly friendly with. Other members of staff have had similar 'dos' and just put a notice up in the staff room, inviting anybody who wants to go. One of my other colleagues reckons this colleague hasn't done this because she doesn't want people allied with our department, who we hardly work with, turning up. But am I alone in thinking that if you're having a party it's only fair to either invite all your work colleagues or invite none?

It is a fancy dress party - everybody else is busy planning their costumes, whilst I sit there feeling like a total muppet.

I can hear my DH's voice in my head as he has said this to me umpteen times...."they are your work colleagues, not your friends". Not sure if I agree with him but it must be hard when you are one of the few not invited.

Everybody gets a mentor when they start Quintessential! Nice of you to imply there's something wrong with me in that respect!

I'm doing an evening class but it's not really a social thing - it's an IT course and we're all working on different stuff so we just each kind of focus on our computers and do our own thing...I've gone to loads of different play groups with DS, I was even a helper at one for a while, but it was no good. I just find it really difficult to make friends.

Gate crash the party dressed as a muppet?

Sorry... I understand why you're hurt, but I always remember what a wise old owl said to me shortly after I started my first job: I don't go to work to make friends. I have friends outside work. Occasionally I become good friends with a colleague, but mostly I leave the office and then spend time with my real friends. I don't really care what people who aren't my friends think of me.

I wish I could apply this philosophy as rigorously as my colleague, but worth remembering when the office politics get too much

Sorry, cross post (stopped to watch the lovely Ellie Simmonds!)

Work really isn't the place to make friends. I have made some great friends at work (eg godparents to my children, people who know stuff about me few others do) but they are very much the exception. It's a bonus if you get on with them, but look outside work to increase your social circle

Sorry, I did not mean to imply anything, but I dont know what field or capacity you are working in.

'Am I alone in thinking that if you're having a party it's only fair to either invite all your work colleagues or invite none?'

'she backed right off, with the result that I was much happier to work with her. I really felt things between us were resolved.'

It's not up to you to decide things are 'resolved'! The fact that you reported her to her line manager rather than sorting it out with her is something that she has every right to feel annoyed about. Of course she backed off. Her boss told her to. How do you think that made her feel? Even if her behaviour was OTT - and it sounds like it was - and you felt you had no alternative, it was going to upset her. This is a consequence of that.

It's not like infant school where you either have whole class parties or just invite a few friends so no-one feels they're the only one left out. You're colleagues not friends. And you're not a colleague she wants to see outside of work.

What she's chosen to do is not subtle and won't reflect well on her at work BTW. It shows she can't handle criticism.

Why not try looking into some local schemes that are looking for volunteers? Most places have groups eg work on local green spaces or help the elderly/socially isolated. Something that gives you a chance to meet people in your area and achieve something positive. Local libraries may be looking for volunteers - several local councils are handing over the running of some libraries to volunteers to cut costs. If you have more outside of work maybe you'll find it easier to deal with things like this at work.

I have been there and it is really horrible. I dealt with it by realising my boss was just a total bitch and wasn't worth the upset. I got a new job and am so much happier. Life is too short to worry about some silly work colleague who was horrible to you before.

yabu,given you have history dont expect social invite
come on really, you complained mgr intervened.
you two ain't going be palsy Walsy at her birthday. stop feeling sorry for self

I can see given your demeanor
why you were uninvited
and if you don't like responses dont post your social difficulties online

Are you experimenting with mardy haiku Scottish?

given I concur with majority other posters
will you tell them to fuck off too
Are you annoyed no one agrees with you

OP, your attitude on your own thread - where people were trying to be helpful - indicates why you find it hard to make friends! Seriously, I'd suggest you add an assertiveness course to your out-of-hours activities (you may even be able to get one through work) and read a self-help book on social interaction.

I post this with the sincerest helpful intentions, but recognise you might find it hard to take as well as I mean it.

Nope, just you.

Sorry, X-post. Nope, just you, scottishmummy.

clearly you're finding this hard
are you always so abrasive. why do you feel so attacked,
I'm not saying anything different from other posters

Some people have been helpful, garlicnutty, but some have also been rude and unkind. It seems it's always the way on Mumsnet - it is why I put 'please be kind' in my original post and didn't post in Am I Being Unreasonable where I know from bitter experience people can be vicious. Maybe it's the way on the internet - people speak to you in a way they wouldn't dream of in RL.

Eek - I have Deja vu. Read this thread already but with different replies a(although the same outcome)

The problem is I've read many of your previous posts on other threads scottishmummy.

I'd be interested to see that thread Exit.

It's problematic if you maintain gripes across mn. it clearly affects your posts
best not to acquire mn historical grudges.
I don't