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Original poster

back to work for more money or stay on benefits but be a more relaxed mum?

138 replies

penandpaper · 05/06/2011 11:48

have an interview for a well paid job which i know will be stressful at times, and worried that i might end up snappy and miserable with my children tea time, always worrying about work the next day etc etc. am a bit of a perfectionist so know i would be like that, have been in the past.
have loved being at home after school for them past few months, no rush in mornings, less stress - but obviously don't want to be on benefits forever, and money is tight. really can't decide what's for the best for all of us. single parent of three. any comments - stop my head going round in circles?!

OP posts:
Eurostar · 05/06/2011 16:14

You say you'll be stressed because of your perfectionist behaviours. Best solution here then is to drop your perfectionist behaviours and do enough but not too much. There's a book available on Amazon called, "Overcoming Perfectionism" - have a read.

Gooseberrybushes · 05/06/2011 16:16

Actually I do think I'm better than someone who can work to support their family but chooses not to.

I don't think I'm better than someone who has no choice.

YummyHoney · 05/06/2011 16:19

OP I would like you to work - not for your self-esteem, if you say that you don't need it for that - but because I resent people who are on benefits when they don't have to be.

balia · 05/06/2011 16:23

Oh well then, that's fine, no rush, I'll pick up your tab, then, until you feel totally ready to do any paid work. The problem in this country is that some of us pay our way and some people choose not to. Or, put a better way...

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another
person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody
else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work
because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other
half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is
going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of
the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."*

Adrian Rogers, 1931*

YummyHoney · 05/06/2011 16:26

balia - well done - excellent quote.

coccyx · 05/06/2011 16:26

Are people 'allowed' to turn down a reasonable job offer if they are claiming benefits

Earlybird · 05/06/2011 16:27

Asking again:

By the way, do you get help from your ex (financial or practical) with the dc? What about other family - do they assist in any way? Could they, if you go back to work?

You say:

' I might decide to take a professional job again i might decide there's more to life and work in a coffee shop. '

Do you really think choosing to work in a coffee shop translates to 'there's more to life'? Not that there is anything wrong with it ......

BigTuna · 05/06/2011 16:28

I wouldn't recommend leaving it too long. I'm regretting not going back to work sooner even though I made the decision to stay home and be labelled a scrounger because noone else has to live my life however judgmental they want to be. You're damned if you don't work and damned if you do really.

It's proving incredibly hard to find a job now I've been out of work for five years. Don't kid yourself that your income will stay the same either. Long term it's unlikely you will remain better off. I see you do voluntary work which is great as long as you can afford not to be paid for it.

FWIW I do agree with you about the wage slave thing. I read a thread here a while ago where people described what their jobs entailed. Seemed to be a lot of pissing about on Facebook going on and it's possible that half the people could do some jobs in half the time. I've been in similar jobs myself. But there's lots of people and not enough money so may as well employ as many as possible so we can all take pride to be contibuting to the pot.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/06/2011 16:30

I'm really confused at what coffee shops have got to do with it Confused

No one is making any comments about what type of paid employment anyone chooses to do?

Earlybird · 05/06/2011 16:32

I think you are being too literal peppa.

As I read it the OP is stating that when she does decide to work again, she might take a low responsibility/low paid job in order to earn without the stress of a big, well paid job........or something like that. And she is using a coffee shop as an example of the sort of work she might eventually choose to do.

activate · 05/06/2011 16:32

Back to work so that you are a good role model for your children

Back to work so that you can leave benefits for those who truly need them

Back to work so that you can be an honourable human being as you have an opportunity to work and choosing to stay on benefits when you do not need to is a dishonourable, wasters life

BigTuna · 05/06/2011 16:33

Adrian Rogers, 1984 according to Wiki.

orangestripes · 05/06/2011 16:34

OP I think you need to do what is best for you. I am like you in that I don't see work as a way of building my self-esteem and I have always felt that I was useful to society in raising my children. I have never cared about the stigma of being unemployed - in fact, the benefit I received was income support, which acknowledged that I couldn't work because I had caring duties.

I did try working for some time when my children were younger, but I stopped because it was stressful to manage everything and for me, that didn't override the small financial improvements. It was better for me to focus on p/t study, volunteer work and to have a bit of down time for me when the children were at school. It also meant that I was always around for school events, helping out with trips, and wasn't too frazzled at the end of the day to deal with all the homework and after-school activities.

You dont necessarily need to panic about rushing back to work just to avoid a long period of unemployment and a fear of a downward spiral of poverty. I had ten years out of the workplace but I managed to find work immediately when I was ready to return, thanks to my studies and work experience. In a few years I've gradually been promoted up three grades and am on a very comfortable salary.

BigTuna · 05/06/2011 16:36

Adrian seems to think 'the poor' don't work at all. Even when I go back to work I'll still be reliant on benefits to some extent. Never going to earn enough to be financially independent.

lynehamrose · 05/06/2011 16:37

You'll get a job when you feel the 'time is right' eh?

Trouble is, you may have missed the boat by then.

Do you raise your kids with these values too? - that the poor ickle darlings shouldn't even think about having to do a days work until they feel able to cope with the idea? I bet you don't. I bet you actually want your children to do well at school, and achieve well in life. I have never met a parent who doesn't want that for their own kids - even unemployed parents want something better for their own kids.

So if you give half a shit about your children, i would be looking to raise them to have some respect for you. seriously, they will grow up thinking you're a joke, unable to cope with the normal everyday pressures of life

HHLimbo · 05/06/2011 16:40

I have to say its absolutely hillarious that the tories are putting hundreds of thousands on benefits (unemployed), and encouraging people to 'volunteer' for what should be (and were) paid jobs.

No wonder our economy is flatlining. I would be laughing if it wasnt so tragic.

So, OP, please do whatever you think is best for your family. Im sure you'll make the best decision.

If you think you'll enjoy the job, you could always try it out for a few weeks/month and just resign if it proves too much.

Enjoy your life, you only get one!

fifi25 · 05/06/2011 16:44

penandpaper - im also looking for work with 3dd's and single. I had a good job until i got made redundant and ended up working nights in a fish shop which was fine until me and DP split when i was PG. I had SPD and sciatica and couldnt cope with the heavy work. I gave up work and since then have been doing the odd cleaning job and at one point worked 3 jobs to make up the 16 hrs. I have not been working for the past 5 months and am looking for work. Theres is nothing about and i have currently found a cleaning job for 10 hrs but now need another job for 6hrs or more. I have applied for 2 10hr jobs so hopefully one of these will come good and i can work in a shop through the day and do cleaning on a night time.

I would get far more in benefits working. I would have my rent paid and full childcare for 3 kids which is a lot more that the £62 income support i get at the moment. When i get a job i will not get income support but will get WTC which is triple the income support and the nursery funded.

nailak · 05/06/2011 16:47

my mum was a sinle parent and worked, and i dont aree with those who says it ives you dinity, pride, workin ethic etc, it didnt do that to me, or my mother, it made her a tired stressed out wreck, unable to have any fun or her own life, until we were moved out and at uni,

infact because of my experiences, i have decided to stay at home, even if i could work full time i wouldnt. so workin parents dont lead to workin children.

nailak · 05/06/2011 16:52

and if you want your kids to do well in school etc, then surely you should be there to help with homework, attend events with them, support their learnin at home? i dont see how you do that if you leavin at 7 am, comin home 7 pm and then cookin dinner then puttin kids to sleep?

lynehamrose · 05/06/2011 17:08

Of course you can help with homework and support your kids to do well at school as well as having a job! Outcomes, in terms of qualifications, success in life etc are better for children with employed parents FGS!! If you want your children to be successful and happy, then actually you are better off working - in the higher status jobs, preferably.

nailak · 05/06/2011 17:30

im just sayin ime my mum had a hih status job, and fair enouh i academically excelled, but was definitely not happy, and not a confident child.

i feel i am more able to support my kids because of my experiences. i dont really care about eneralised outcomes because what is true for one family doesnt automatically make it true for another. i am well educated, able to have a career if i wished, but i choose to make my career that of mother, and focus on that.

my mum would always say she was there if i needed to talk etc, but realistically she wasnt there at the times i needed to talk to her. the times i needed help with homework she wasnt there, i mean obviously she would make the time to help me etc, but those were at times that suited her and her workin hours and not me and when i needed the support and help.

i think that your definition of success and happiness may be limited? and i would say that there are probably many kids whose parents worked who it didnt effect the way it effected me, and many who it did have an impact on their life. people have to make decisions accordin to what is best for their own children and family, rather then statictics.

and i dont feel beneath anyone with a hih flyin career, because i know i could have that if i wanted to, but i dont, so their is no inferiority, they are not better then me intellectually.

i believe that i want to help the community in which my kids are rowin up in so i do volunteer and charity work etc, i want to show my kids that they shouldnt be individualist and should care about those aroun them that are worse off, and that they shouldnt be materialist, that time toether as a family and lovin relationships are a lare part of what makes people truly happy.

ExpatAgain · 05/06/2011 17:53

nailak, want to share my gs? Grin

lynehamrose · 05/06/2011 17:58

I don't know why you assume my definition of success and happiness is limited.

I totally agree that loving relationships are a big part of what make people happy. And belonging to a community etc etc It's just a weird notion that those things somehow aren't compatible with having a job for heavens sake!
Earning a living is part of life, and the sooner the OPs children realise that, the better, rather than growing up thinking the norm is to be scared of working, and not confident of coping with holding down a job in the real world.

The OP would be a better parent to her children by facing up to her perfectionist tendencies (and perfectionism taken to the extent of being a barrier to employment is frankly a disabling and negative thing). She has the opportunity to prove to her children that she can function as a capable adult, being a loving parent and supporting the family financially and emotionally. And if the housework gets skimped on a bit, or the children have to pull their weight and make their own lunch boxes, then what a great learning curve for them - they will realise the world doesn't grind to a halt if mum's a bit busy!

To assume that you are giving your children a better life by choosing to remain unemployed is frankly quite a scary thought.

HHLimbo · 05/06/2011 18:09

I have 2 friends who had professional jobs but became SAHM when they became single parents (lack of quality affordable and available childcare was the main reason!).

They then went back into their professional jobs when the DCs were older.

Their DCs did well at school and are lovely with a strong work ethic.

lynehamrose · 05/06/2011 18:17

The OP is not talking about lack of childcare though - she's talking about her own issues which make her feel she can't cope with work. That attitude is hardly promoting a good work ethic in her children!
Also - the economic climate has changed massively over the last couple of years. I know people who managed some time out and then returned to good jobs several years later - not recently though!! Have a look at the world out there OP!