back to work for more money or stay on benefits but be a more relaxed mum?

[penandpaper]

have an interview for a well paid job which i know will be stressful at times, and worried that i might end up snappy and miserable with my children tea time, always worrying about work the next day etc etc. am a bit of a perfectionist so know i would be like that, have been in the past.
have loved being at home after school for them past few months, no rush in mornings, less stress - but obviously don't want to be on benefits forever, and money is tight. really can't decide what's for the best for all of us. single parent of three. any comments - stop my head going round in circles?!

All those posters saying that a single parent should work, does this also apply to SAHM's with partners. After all, they have it much easier - someone to share kids sick days / school holidays / do chores around the home etc.

Thanks for the support lynehamrose, I know I was being very forthright but that's how I see the OP's attitude as. Glad to know I'm not to only one.

Gooseberrybushes did not bully the OP. The OP put her question to us and she's got her answers.

And to those of you trying to make this out to a SAHM/Working debate - lay off! Its not! Nor is this a debate about single parent households vs two-parent households and how much worse it is to be in the former than the latter position etc. If any it is as a debate about working vs benefits where one person says she can take employment which pays more than her benefits but is contemplating not doing so because being on benefits have their upside too to her. Not because she's ill or wouldn't be able to arrange childcare or family life but because it would be stressful to her. In other words, working is an inconvenience.

I for one am not happy to learn that someone who can work decides to let the rest of us pick up the bill of supporting her kids and I think I have the right to voice that opinion. However, I'm not out to 'take' the OP. I've told her what I think, she'll now have to make up her own mind about what she should do.

Meglet, if you live of benefits to SAH and your dc are all at school (as OP's are), then I think you are being hugely immoral. Sorry but that's what I think. If you are a SAHP because your partner makes enough money for you to do so then your not. Simples.

OP has admitted she's not really entitled to the support she has been getting from tax payers as she now has an opportunty to take a well paid job (her words!). That means she doesn't need to live off the rest of us. That is what I object to. Where the circumstances are different (pre-school children, disability or similar) then getting support is as it should be. But it should never ever be a lifestyle choice (which it clearly is to OP). That's the issue here.

My heart bleeds, so you'll be tired etc after working - its called the real world.

Working far outweighs living on benefits, it gives you pride, means you self support when the children are grown up and you're children grow up seeing that to have money you work. Stats show children brought up on benefits mainly go on to claim themselves - who on earth would want that for their children?

Madness that we have a society that actively lets people choose not to work.

Meglet - SAHPs with partners tend to have someone in the family working. I assume the OP doesn't, since she says she's living off benefits. Unless it's to push buttons and she's talking about giving up £20 a week tax credits or something...

Meglet, yes I would say the same re not working to a SAHP if they were claiming top up benefits from the state. However if their partner earnt enough to support the whole family with no assistance from the state then its up to them how they divide the work load.

So why should a single parent be made to crack up just to contribute to the economy? Raising children is hard work full stop. Do you think a SAHM is lazy?

Yes meglet- if a two parent family are relying on benefits but could both work, the same applies

This isn't a single parent issue so its disingenuous to try to make it into one.

In cases where a two parent family have one parent at home, supported totally by the other parent, then they are making their own choice about how to run their family. If one parent continues to stay at home full time after the children are in school, its not a choice I personally respect, because I think its taking the piss out of the working partner, but at least it isn't costing the state anything.

I work 3 days a week; my youngest started school in sept, and now he is full time and settled in, I am looking to increase my hours, as being perfectly honest I think working 3 days and having 4 days off is a luxury. I am the only one benefiting from it- my children are in school 5 days a week and I feel it's time for me to step back up now rather than have time off at my husbands expense.

And I speak as someone in a family on no benefits. If I was receiving benefits to enable me to stay at home on my days off I'd be disgusted with myself.

The op's sense of entitlement beggars belief

The longer you are out of the work force, the more difficult it will be to get back in. Your skills will deteriorate, new ways of doing things at work (that you don't know how to do) will become the norm, the gap on your CV will be much bigger and potentially make you a less appealing candidate, etc.

Go back to work. It will give you independence, self confidence/self esteem, and set a better example for your kids. Heck, you may even be able to afford a holiday to deal with the stress generated by working!

One other point - imo, it is much more stressful to deal with having much less money than you need/want.

By the way, do you get help from your ex (financial or practical) with the dc? What about other family - do they assist in any way? Could they, if you go back to work?

OP does have a 2 year old. OP does have health issues, hence leaving previous employment. OP is doing voluntary work (why the obsession with paid work, you can contribute to society in many ways).

different people have different situations. why did i have children, same reason as many of you, was in a relationship etc etc - hope yours doesn't come to an end whoever posted that i shouldn't have had children.

who benefits from all your hard work in the end, you're just slaves to the capitalist materialistic society we live in anyway. might just enjoy my children while they are young, not my fault there's no other half to support us fully at the moment. you could all probably do the same if you chose to, the welfare system is there for everyone.

and no i don't think i am entitled to anything, and if any of you were struggling a few years down the line and needed support due to marriage break ups, deaths, health issues i would have no problem with you claiming benefits as a temporary measure.

long term sense of no point in working is completely different

how about trying the job for a few months, see how it goes? Mental health issues such as depression are hugely linked to unemployment/isolation etc, being in work tends to improve people's mental well-being, many studies on this..

As you have a 2 yr old, how about doing this job p/t?

"you're just slaves to the capitalist materialistic society we live in anyway."

and you're not.. because you live off the slaves to the capitalist materialistic society?

how do you work that out?

"whoever benefits"? - well I'd like that to be me, my children, and people who have no choices in life at all

obviously you'd like it to be you

I can also understand why you feel under attack - I think (and can empathise with this) that people are getting heartily sick of some people cruising on benefits while they slog away and that this thread has brought this out...Maybe you'd been hoping more for advice on your individual situation?? Which I also can understand, you've got a lot on your plate..

However, I don't agree that being able to support oneself makes a person a "slave to the capitalist machine" and I do think if given the option we should be able to support our own kids. If there is no alternative or in the case of ill-health etc then I agree that the welfare state should step in but not on a long-term basis in most cases.

I'n not sure how in your last post the third paragraph and the first sentence of the fourth hang together really...

I think if I were you I would probably try the job (or at least try to get it!), because at the moment the stress and its effects on you are just conjecture. It would be a shame to rule out a good job on conjecture.

Volunteer when you've finished working and made so much money you never need work again.

If you're worried about being competent enough for the job, remember, you are a parent, you are able to organise two people, you've looked after your child for two years! Good luck at the interview. What is the job you're going for?

I would say, from my POV that working as a single parent gives you a better, more rounded life style, with more socialising and work is usually interesting and stimulating. Also my DS is 3 and he asks about what I do at work, and if he can go to work.

"you're just slaves to the capitalist materialistic society we live in anyway."

No - I'm not a slave. Perhaps you need to get out and get a decent, interesting job if your aspirations extend no further than dull menial work at the moment.

"might just enjoy my children while they are young," - dearie me, you're not a coper are you? Can you only enjoy your children if you're home 24/7. You need to work on your energy levels and self esteem dear. (Maybe get a job?...)

"you could all probably do the same if you chose to, the welfare system is there for everyone." - er, nope, dimwit, because if everyone did it, there would be no one to pay into the system

The bottom line is, your children are already statistically disadvantaged by being in a single parent family. You seem to want to put them at greater disadvantage by forcing them to be part of an unemployed single parent family.

You are really doing them no favours you know!

I fancy being less stressed.

I calculated if I gave up work we would be £500 a month better off because we would be 'entitled' (used in loosest possible sense) to more.

Is that ok?

I work full time, 3 DC and as DH has tight hours I have to do all the before / after school stuff. Ok he is home in the evenings but often when DC are in bed.

Work life balance would be lovely I agree but not at the expense of someone else.

Is there no way you can compromise and work part time or something? Or work from home / condense hours? I drop DC all off by 7.30 am but manage to pick up by 4pm

I now agree that this must be a wind up.

'you could all probably do the same if you chose to, the welfare system is there for everyone'.

WTF??!? Do you realise how the welfare system works or do you think there are lots of money trees planted in Downing Street or something and the Chancellor is in fact a gardener pruning them?

I've actually worked as my children have grown, having literally a couple of months maternity leave for each.

However, I'm now feeling a bit stressed and would like some 'me' time without feeling exhausted all the time.

Anyone like to sponsor me?!!!

Obviously not everyone would choose to do it (heaven forbid anyone take time out and you will turn into an unemployable scavenger who watches jeremy kyle all day). also not everyone would be claiming at the same time.

But the system is there for people at difficult times in their life.

What is wrong with a menial job - do you not want people cleaning hospitals and schools?

That is part of the problem in this country, people think they're better than the next person because they are professional, well paid, done well for themselves. I do not need to define myself by my job or lack of one at this particular time. I do not need to be working to have self esteem. I might decide to take a professional job again i might decide there's more to life and work in a coffee shop.

I fully intend to back to work when it makes sense for everyone in my family, and not because of the stigma of being unemployed. Perhaps this particular job is not for me as I am struggling just trying to prepare for it. But there will be others.