Choosing to stay single/celibate in today’s world

[Autisticradfem]

Hi so I recently turned 20 and I know I’m young but I don’t have the want or desire to have a relationship with a man or to sleep with one for that matter.

I’m autistic so I'm more likely to experience abuse and coercion, I also like most radical feminists anti porn anti sex work anti BDSM and kink critical.

I don’t feel like it’s worth it personally. I don’t wanna be pushed to engage in sexual acts I don’t want I don’t want to be living with my oppressor I don’t want to be impregnated by my oppressor.

the problem is people think I’m silly for not wanting/fearing these things when I see it happening to other women.

why would I want to be a relationship with a porn addicted sex pest who wants to beat the living daylights out of me when we’re having sex?

why would i want to be with my oppressor?

I want to be happy.

i don’t wanna be a heavily pregnant woman who’s husband is begging for sex, i don’t wanna be someone’s chef because he “can’t cook”, i don’t wanna be someone’s housemaid “because he works a lot”.

i don’t wanna be her.

because she’s miserable.

I have tried to raise this before on here, but the vast majority of mums here will tell you their teenage sons are the best thing ever and would never ever send a dick pick. Etc. here’s one from last week https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/5581732-when-do-teenagers-usually-become-hard-as-mine-is-still-so-lovely-at-15?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

The good news is that Asexual is part of the LGBTIQA+ grouping, so you will be able to claim to be part of that.

@Autisticradfem I'm 60 and see no problem with your attitude. I wish I'd been like you at your age. Instead, I was frequently abused, date-raped, etc, from age 14. It wasn't all bad, and thankfully choking and anal sex wasn't a normal thing back then, but it was awful in my teens and then on and off until menopause when I thought, fuck this, no more. I'm now very happy living alone, childless, with my cat.

There is nothing wrong with staying single and childless. Being financially independent and secure is also important and I agree that there are cultural issues related to men and boys, their behaviour and attitudes towards women and girls and the ease of access to pornography….but you have a lot of life ahead of you and you may meet someone who shares your outlook, interests and values.

No relationship is better than a bad relationship so keep your high standards.

I am older than you and came to the same conclusion in my 30's after several long term relationships and proposals. Tried again in 40's and had the same result. Many men spend their entire lives competing with each other at the expense of women and I didn't want to waste my life like that. I dont want to look after a man all my life and after dating all different sorts I cannot find one who brings much to the table worth disrupting my peace for.

However I think ppl will say you have to get hurt, as I did, before you can state this as a real choice. If you havent tried you are basing your choices on other people's lives and experiences rather than your own.

It is a valid choice but make sure you have your own validation to remind you. It would probably have been harder for me to stick to if I didnt have a lot of trauma from men. So it will always be a bit of a "you have to get hurt not to get hurt even more" situation, I'm afraid.

I understand that you're autistic, but this is a black and white view (or rather entirely black) which is not accurate. Some men are monsters. Most of them (the vast majority of them, actually, at least in young generations in Europe) are not, though all have their faults, like we women do.

You are in no way obligated to enter into any kind of relationship with a man (or a woman, for that matter). However, such relationships may also have very positive benefits and you should be aware of that. I kindly suggest you get to know some men off the Internet as friends and read some positive stuff (not only by misandrists on the one side or incels on the other one, good literature). I'm not asking you to go out and marry the first man you see on the street, just recognize that autists (since you're aware you are one) must usually make efforts to understand nuances. If only out of respect for other women who have made a different choice and who are not all fools willingly subjected to aforementioned monsters.

However I think ppl will say you have to get hurt, as I did, before you can state this as a real choice.

What a bizarre statement. OP doesn't HAVE to do anything she doesn't want to, particularly in relation to dating men. Imagine telling someone they have to experience emotional/sexual/ physical/financial abuse before deciding they'd like to remain single.

It's also well publicised that the happiest demographic is single, childfree females....
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

I'm in my 60s and have many friends of a similar age. Most are single now or casually dating and happy to remain so. Most have experienced abuse in some form or other at the hands of their ex or even current partner/husband.

OP, you may change your mind eventually- who knows? But your choice to remain single is entirely valid and is nobody's business but yours.

I just wonder if this is part of the new obsession of needing to put a label on everything and have one’s identity stamped and declared. In the past no one would declare this unless someone specifically asked them why they were single, you’d just say dismissively you don’t fancy a relationship with the state of the offers, now it’s some overindulged thought process that has to have been analysed and declared and a part of you are…just chill, see where life takes you!

OP, you are so young, it seems a shame to deny yourself a part of life without at least trying.

I am single and I date from a position of strength. That means I don't rely on a man for anything. I have my own home, transport, run my finances, have qualifications and a career, and am fully independent. I also have an emergencies fund if I ever need it. I am autistic and had an abusive f.

When I date, I keep it very simple. After a date I ask 3 questions. Did I enjoy the date? Were there any red flags? Do I want another date or would I rather stay in and watch a film by myself?

The trick was learning how to say "no thanks" to further dates. Once you can do that without fuss or hesitation, you'll be fine.

Perhaps get yourself into a more secure financial position, develop your friendships so you have a good support network around you, and then reconsider. At some point in the future, you may feel differently.

Always remember, you are entitled to end a relationship for absolutely any reason.

I think these final words are a bit negative but I fully agree with the sentiment.

Deciding to stay single isn’t denying myself a life, denying myself happiness, I’m just choosing to be happy without unnecessary stress or pain. My happiness or worth as a woman doesn’t come from my relationship status or wether I’ve had sex (I haven’t thank god)

People will keep telling you you might change your mind. If you do, fine. If you don’t, also fine.

I strongly recommend getting a pet.

You have a very slanted view of men, relationships, and other people OP.

No one is required to have a romantic relationship. If you just don't really want to, that's fine.

But your view of relationships in general is very unhealthy.

It is true that most relationships take work. Everyone has their quirks and weaknesses
Most go through bad patches, sometimes serious ones.

This is true of a spouse, family, even long term closed friendships.

But that doesn't make them bad. It makes them human.

Don't mistake human for bad, and don't cut yourself off from what is human because you can't tell the difference.

I think it is hard to say OP has a slanted view of men when we can read the news, have friends and see how men treat women all over the internet.

OP isn't saying she doesn't want to have friends and a full life, just that she doesn't want to have a man in the mix, the loose canon. I think that is fair enough but people who have never been hurt repeatedly by men will think that is strange. It is part of humanity to have different experiences and learn from them, which is why I suggested she would come to a point where people say she has made a judgement too early without enough "experience", which I don't completely agree with. You can see the patterns in men's behaviours everywhere and they are very different in their goals to women.

Another poster on another thread reminded me of Tiptree's novella Houston, Houston, Do You Read? which is a science fiction work, but does explain this feeling of men being the worst threat to mankind, let alone OP.

The problem is that people like the OP often struggle having friends because they become so jealous and angry when their friends have romantic relationships. They want to know why their platonic friendship isnt enough and why they are merging their future with someone else, moving away etc. The little childhood plan to get a flat together becomes someone moving in with their boyfriend instead. So OP ends up pushing everyone away just because she can't let them live their lives without resentment.

That’s a bit of a weird way to look at it.

I’ve got plenty of friends who are in relationships, and also some who have kids. I wouldn’t choose their lifestyle & they wouldn’t choose mine but as long as we know the other is happy that’s what matters.

It isnt about single friends vs partnered friends, it's about when you feel aggrieved by the fact people put so much priority onto building partnerships because building a family unit is a goal for you.

It's a gripe asexual and aromantic people often have with their friends. They don't get why platonic companionship isn't just as fulfilling and worth changing your life in the ways many would consider doing for the right relationship.

But long term they usually break up anyway. Women do frequently keep their friends for life, or reconnect later in life. I have never met anyone jealous of someone's partner (!) but I have met plenty who have seen something bad in the person their friend has chosen. It all comes out in the end and you get to my age and women tend to say "never again" when it comes to men. It is a more long-sighted viewpoint than who are you going to have kids with, especially when we know how many marriages fail.

Are you speaking from a wide experience of aro/ace people?

And why can’t the OP simply be someone who prefers being single?

The alphabet soup is now at the stage where it could be described as being for people of all sexual orientations / gender identities & none.

That’s enough Mumsnet for today…..wtf

My partner does not watch porn, does not beat me, and does not oppress me. You need to talk through these issues because that’s really really toxic.

OP of course you make whatever decisions about your life you wish, but your list of concerns reads very much like a distillation of the worst things you’ve read on the internet. Which is not to say those things don’t happen, but they are not the norm or inevitable. The internet famously attracts negativity and I just really hope you have enough embodied experience in the real world to encounter some of the many, many kind, decent and thoughtful young men that I do. I never decided to have a sexual relationship or a marriage. But I fell in love. The same may happen for you, or not and I’m sure your life will be very fulfilling either way. I just hope you don’t avoid any experiences life offers only because you’ve read negative things about them on the internet.

Strewth! Is this the latest incel chat-up line?
"You really really need to shack up with me because if you're not in a relationship you will be an emotional nuisance to people who are."

There are lots of people that have great relationships.

If the OP can't see that she's looking at them in a way that's imposing her own biases.