Choosing to stay single/celibate in today’s world

[Autisticradfem]

Hi so I recently turned 20 and I know I’m young but I don’t have the want or desire to have a relationship with a man or to sleep with one for that matter.

I’m autistic so I'm more likely to experience abuse and coercion, I also like most radical feminists anti porn anti sex work anti BDSM and kink critical.

I don’t feel like it’s worth it personally. I don’t wanna be pushed to engage in sexual acts I don’t want I don’t want to be living with my oppressor I don’t want to be impregnated by my oppressor.

the problem is people think I’m silly for not wanting/fearing these things when I see it happening to other women.

why would I want to be a relationship with a porn addicted sex pest who wants to beat the living daylights out of me when we’re having sex?

why would i want to be with my oppressor?

I want to be happy.

i don’t wanna be a heavily pregnant woman who’s husband is begging for sex, i don’t wanna be someone’s chef because he “can’t cook”, i don’t wanna be someone’s housemaid “because he works a lot”.

i don’t wanna be her.

because she’s miserable.

Do you know and respect any women in healthy, happy relationships with men?

Yes but that doesn’t mean I believe they are unhappy but I don’t know many women who are happily married.

No one needs to be in a relationship for any reason - go your own way, no one else has a say.

But I'd also advise you get offline and find women and men that you respect - not for relationships but because your view is myopic and narrow and that will limit your life and your potential.

You're young, so this seems entirely sensible.

Don't waste time caring about what other people think, just get on with your life. You might meet someone you can trust, you may not, so what?

Having a relationship with someone, having kids - they're choices, nothing more. Focus on yourself and don't stress about what anyone else thinks. Hope you have a great time.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you have a lot of issues going on. I would recommend getting some help addressing them with a professional if that is available to you. Good luck

Also nothing wrong with being single. I'm twice your age and single but for different reasons that you (I'm a bit too selfish to be with another person haha)

Absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to remain celibate and single whatsoever, but you are wrong suggesting a heterosexual relationship is likely to be all the negatives you are suggesting.

Nothing wrong with being single. However your view of men as ‘oppressors’ and ‘sec pests who want to beat you’ illustrates some deeper and concerning issues that you have. If you are abe to see a therapist they’ll be able to help you. Take care.

You live how you want but you have a very negative view and it could cost you happiness in the future. Not all men are like that and you will find plenty of women out there happily married.

There is nothing wrong with being single at all.

I'm there via a 'been there, done that' route, a single mum with 2 teens, and my life is full (and would be even without the kids)

I don't rule out another relationship entirely, but I have a high bar, and would have very strong boundaries.

You seem to have reached the same spot I'm at a lot earlier is all.

I'm sure there are men who are excellent partners, I'm certain that we see a very skewed example here, but I'm equally aware that the chances of two people getting on well forever, without one feeling put upon, must be very low - it's certainly not something I've achieved in my 30 years of adulthood with a variety of men.

Do what you want op. You’re 20 just see where life takes you. It’s probably a good thing you have standards and aren’t desperate, but I wouldn’t shut yourself off. I’ve been with DH since a young age, he’s not a sex pest, the thought of him ‘oppressing’ me is laughable. We are companions, partners, friends in this scary world. And I like sex…? Women enjoy sex too!

Just see where life takes you, you don’t need to actively choose at 20, have your guard up sure, have standards, but I wouldn’t close yourself off.

One of the excellent things about being a grown up is you don't need a big reason, explanation, identity, or excuse for doing things or not doing them. Within the law, you may do as you please.

It's probably easier in general in life therefore not to stake out big positions on speculative situations. There are so many battles in life already, there's no need to fight imaginary ones too.

This was a big thing I had to learn myself, and I don't imagine that me telling you this will help you much. You will have to learn it yourself. But maybe it's useful to know that you don't need to do all this. You can just live your life and you don't need a big story to let you do it. You're allowed to just be. Good luck. x

IMO, living alone with a cat is pure joy (and I’m a lesbian so men never really came into it).

Having a high bar for relationships is a very good thing (mine is stratospheric) and so is being happy on your own. But as other posters have said, you can do it without needing to make big statements. If people comment just tell them you’re happy as you are.

I know very few happily married people tbf, even if they are not being beaten up on a daily basis.

Why do you think that is?

OP—your life, your choice.

I grew up with ND, (although I didn’t know it at the time) and I can recognise the wariness you have and that need to protect yourself. I was very lucky that I met one of the good ones at a young age. I’ve only ever had one partner, who has always treated me with kindness and respect (he is kind and respectful to everyone he meets). Above that, he has constantly shown me the greatest love and care.

There are dickheads and dangerous men out there, but there are also good men. If you meet one, he will show you who he is. You will know. Absolutely do not let your guard down for anything less. Or, of course, not at all—if that is what you decide is best for you.

Wishing you happiness x

You are young, you may change your mind, you may not. You do sound though, like your views are quite strong already, and you might benefit from reflection as to why you feel the way you do. Keep an open mind about men/women/relationships and just live your life op.

No one is forced to live in any particular way and certainly no one should be forced to have sexual relationships that they don't want. There are many people who choose to be celibate for positive reasons such as devoting themselves to their religious pursuit as a nun or monk. I believe this can be an uplifting experience. However, what you are describing doesn't sound like you're approaching the idea of embracing celibacy from the position that it's life-enhancing, but rather than it's going to save you from some sort of trauma. That doesn't feel very healthy to me. You're only 20 and while you may end up living your life never deviating from how you are feeling now, I don't think many of us who are over 50 view the world in quite the same way that we did when we were 20. My advice to you would be to find things in your life that are fulfilling to you, that are giving your life meaning and are making you feel good about yourself rather than decide that you are going to adhere to a particular pathway come what may. I wish you all the best and do hope that you meet interesting and kind people along the rest of your life's journey.

Why would it cost her future happiness?

It will be happiness from different things but a woman doesn't need a sexual partner or a long term live in relationship to be happy.

If more women understood their happiness doesn't depend on a man there would be far fewer bad partnerships, bad marriages and divorces, imo. And that understanding that your happiness does not depend on having a man stands for all the women in long term relationships as well.

Step away from the Internet and socials and develop real relationships with people. Staying single isn't a issue, your attitude to other humans is a problem.

The OP reminds me of someone I posted about recently. The bold is relevant to the OP.

I know one person who split with her husband when her daughter was about 4 and she is now 19 and just starting her 2nd year at uni. Her mum never dated the whole time in what was IMO, some sort of martyr complex, but I digress.

Daughter greatly struggles socially and has had massive trouble living with peers and dealing with the fact that people have passionate relationships. She finds the idea that people would have sex in close proximity to her (in their own room in shared accomodation) disgusting or even that someone might snuggle on the communal sofa with a boyfriend.

IMO, this is linked to the fact that she hasn't seen the signficant adults around her in normal, healthy relationships. She could only really remember the end of her parent's marriage, if any of it at all, and her dad doesn't seem to have a partner, either.

Her mum has made one tentative attempt at dating, but as she hasn't mixed with men with the potential of romance for over 20 years, she is quite a bit out of touch.

We have to model healthy relationships to our children and we can only do that by having them.

Lots of good posts but this is particularly good OP.

You may or may not change your views as you get older - most of us do. Wishing you a good life that brings you contentment.

You are entirely welcome to do whatever you want that makes you happy op. For many people, both men and women, they value the peace and lack of worry about what might go wrong in a relationship above all else. And that is absolutely fine, it’s your choice.

but the impression I’m getting from your post, and in particular the bit about others saying it’s silly, is that you talk about it as if your view and wants are the only ones.

but other women can make their own choice. They might want to take the risk because of the value a man can bring to their lives. The company, the sex. They might feel that they are equipped with the tools to make sure their chosen bloke is not as you describe, as you must be aware that not all men are that. Yes, a too high number are, but it’s certainly not all.

your mindset on men is incredibly negative, and that will lead to unhappiness for you because it’s quite bitter.

I understand the perspective of older women here telling the OP that she is still young (she is).
But you have to realise that 20-something young men today are not the same as the 20-something young men you knew several decades ago.

The boys today are soaked in gratuitously violent and misogynistic porn from a shockingly young age, and this affects how they relate to and treat women and girls.
See the video by Gail Dines linked on the second page of the Katseye thread.
Page 2 | The Horror of Katseye | Mumsnet

Thank you for understanding my point it’s easy for someone 50,60 and 70 to tell me these things but in reality they aren’t true

Then I’m not sure why you posted on mumsnet where women are indeed of those ages? If you want an echo chamber, I’m sure there’s plenty of sites.