Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Just because he wants something, doesn’t mean you have to do it. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

You only have to look at the posts women have put on places like Reddit to see it turns quite nasty quite quickly once the men realise you won’t play along. So I would book a solicitors appointment asap. I’d also have a look at some benefit calculators to get a rough idea of what support you could get.

It’s not hate, op, and I think if you do some serious reading of what many other women in your shoes have been through, you will see that. Saying no to his demands, to putting your children through this is not hate. He will frame it that way, though, as an attempt to guilt you into it. I hope he doesn’t decide he is also their mum - a vile thing to do to you or them.

TBH he sounds controlling and like he enjoys a bit of emotional blackmail. Regardless of AGP or not (I bet you my house it’s sexual), blowing up
your lives like this doesn’t speak of someone who is able to out his family first, which is just not what you or your boys need. Nor is his emotional pressure for them to be kind when very likely their entire being will be utterly repulsed. I think your time to react is now. Tell him you are neither gay nor pansexual and are very much not attracted to this persona, and pray he goes quietly. Good luck.

He is thinking of himself . You need to think of yourself and the children. I would tell him it’s over and you will need to sell the house and move on. You can be amicable, but it’s kidding no one that you are the same people and life will be the same - it won’t. Everything has changed now

He is putting you all through this because of his autogynephilic fetish.

Yes, but many people refer to their partner as their husband even if they are not actually married. It's just worth clarifying as it changes the legal and financial situation.

You dont have to agree or go along with anything. Your DH is porn addled and his sexual fetish has consumed his life. You ssy he wouldnt screw you over, dont be so sure. If and when your DC find out reassure them that they dont have to accept anything thst they dont want to. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

How on earth would you even know what deodorant or shampoo your work colleagues use, let alone why? Either you've got a camera installed in their home bathroom or you're just making stuff up to fit your pre-existing negative stereotype.

I also agree with the poster who said that he will throw a lot of money at this. It will escalate quickly OP, much quicker that you expect or are prepared for.

Get bank statements if you can so that you can show the current financial situation. Men have been know to spend an absolute fortune on themselves. It's a very selfish fetish.

Tell him your clothes, underwear and make up are not to be used . Too often I see these men dressing up as a cosplay of their wives . I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

‘I am not a lesbian DH, so I suppose that‘s it for us. When will you be moving out?’

He is not showing love for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if his demand for you to put up and shut up is more about money and convenience than anything. You sound very open minded to his change in identity. You have a right to be your true self just as he does. But let him do it in his own space. He has no right to force you to accept his new self into your life. Is definitely is NOT how he presented himself all these years. No matter what he says.

If you live apart at least you and your sons and any of your friends or lovers can exists together on your own terms without having to kow tow to any new demands that you never agreed to.

You cannot support someone if it is detrimental to your own wellbeing.

Whilst I would support my DP and wish him well as a friend our relationship would absolutely be over.

How would your DH react if you said ‘Actually darling, I’m exactly the same, I’m also in the wrong body and am going to transition into a male’? I’m guessing it wouldn’t be a dynamic he’d be happy to accept!

Unfortunately OP, many women in your situation simply freeze. They take no action, they try not to think about it as they go about their daily life and they witness the rapid escalation with mounting horror.

They feel isolated, ashamed and confused. It often has to get really bad before they instigate separation.

This is not your shame. If he wants to be out and proud, you can be out and loud too. You can tell your friends and family that you are separating because your husband has decided he's a woman. You can seek support from them.

Please don't just freeze and do nothing.

I agree entirely, other than that they don’t “turn back into men”. They were never anything else.

Ultimately, @Swampdweller , don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

He's gaslighting you that you are the one making waves when he's upended your entire marriage and family life.

The only person not carrying on as ‘normal’ is your cross dressing husband with a fetish. This is not who you married, just say no, absolutely not. Do not back him up with your sons, tell them it’s impossible to change sex, and let him know in advance that will be your stance. I really feel for you, what a nightmare.

Worth taking legal advice about finances in divorce situation. Obviously 2 households cost more than one but you will at least know where you are likely to stand. It may even set your mind at rest.

MN isn’t the best place to voice your concerns. There is a LOT of transphobia and you really aren’t going to get much support.

You sound like a lovely level headed person. However, this really comes down to ‘are you happy?’ And I believe the answer to that is probably no. Your husband has changed into someone you don’t recognise and you are essentially living with a stranger.

There will be support out there, for you and your children. I am not sure myself where to point you though. I suspect the first step is telling your husband how you feel and that you are unable to support them in this. I suspect they have already considered this may be your reaction. See what their plan is for the future and you can work together to find a way for you to both be happy separately.

Yes. Was just thinking that this poster's support mirrored the exact same support given on all 9 pages of this thread.

You are not a lesbian and you have no wish to live as one. He has no right whatsoever to insist that you do, how ridiculous!

The terms of your relationship have changed in the most fundamental way possible - there's no " carrying on as normal".

He can choose what he does, he doesn't get to dictate what you do. I have a good think on your own before sitting him down for a "the future from here" discussion. Ideally nothing would be said to your sons until that's taken place but it sounds like he's galloping along with things disregarding their impact on others.

Above all I'd say put yourself first, money, property, mental well-being - it doesn't sound like he's going to do that for you so you have to.

OP, please prepare for the worst. Get solid advice about what you would be entitled to as a single parent in the event of a divorce. You don't need to remain in this marriage but prepare for it to turn nasty if your husband doesn't receive the affirmation he craves.