Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

I remember one woman who said 'well, I'm not a lesbian so you'd best leave now. Bye'.

Not personally but this happened to a work colleague I’m quite close to.

She just told her DH she wasn’t attracted to women so if he was one that was it.
She wouldn’t call him his preferred name or use his preferred pronouns as all he had done was put on a dress & bought women’s products.

He was furious as he thought he could stay married and dress like Crystal Carrington but it was not to be.

She’s remarried & he’s still angry.

Exactly, we should all refuse to pander to this nonsense.

Just treat is as any other separation for any reason.

Are you actually married. Do you own or rent your house. The usual starting point for a separation is 50/50 including all marital assets, pensions, savings, etc.

If you are not actually married, you do not have any right to a share of assets, it will depend on your personal housing arrangements.

See a solicitor and start the separation process.

You do not have to go along with his plans, you do not have to support his transition, you can tell the children that you are separating because of it so that Dad can go and live his life the way he wants to without involving you.

You don't have to use any name or pronoun for him if you don't want to. You don't have to 'affirm' him. Move into separate rooms (make the living room a temporary bedroom if you have to), stop doing anything for him such as cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes, etc. Separate everything as much as you can.

Get legal advice asap and start the process.

It’s in the thread title that they’re married.

Men's products tend to be split into antiperspirants and deodorants. Women's tend to be antiperspirant-deodorants.

If you used a man's deodorant, you will sweat because it doesn't contain an antiperspirant.

It's not hate to say that you can't change sex and that a man cannot be a woman, no matter how many feels he has.

Excellent advice from @WallaceinAnderland !

You do not have to participate in his fantasy.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this OP. I agree with others on here you do not have to put up with his behaviour. He isn't even asking how you feel. Tell him you are not willing to carry on with it and ask him to come up with a solution. How will your sons feel when bringing friends home and finding him wearing a dress, wig,socks stuffed in a bra and some make-up!!!! They will be mocked for that one.

In some ways it is quite straightforward, and all of his statements are just manipulating simple facts: he has unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage contract. He cannot do that, it's a bilateral contract. So you can absolutely say that the contract is now void because you do not agree to the new terms.

Get a divorce asap, he will soon blow a fortune on make up, clothes, hormones, medical procedures etc. don’t get dragged into his circus-I fear his mind is so warped he’s in the clutches of a deep delusion.protect yourself & yr sons-you absolutely need to put yourself & your children first.

I couldn't be doing with that and would be seeking a divorce asap. No way do I want to live with a man who thinks he's capable of living as a woman. IMO that seems to be just down to choosing underwear, painting your nails and wearing really bad outfits.

Don't indulge him in his fetish. And bring back the old fashioned cross dressers, ffs, where men admitted they got a kick out of dressing as a woman, without thinking they are a woman. Even Grayson Perry says he has to keep quiet because he says he's not a woman. It's just ridiculous expecting us to play along with that shit.

He may well ask them to call him mummy or similar, which would be a complete mindfuck for the teens. But of course he has not given any thought to their feelings, has he?

You have every right to choose not to be in a lesbian marriage. Trigger the divorce. Dragging this out will only make it worse.

I believe myself to be a really trans positive person but this isn't ok. Marriage is a contract. Having been to a few family weddings recently (not religious) they say over and over again that you're entering a contract. One side to the contract can't change the terms and conditions unilaterally. This isn't how contracts work.

So if you're partner wishes to be their 'authentic' self at home, then they need to find a new home. You're allowed to be your authentic self at home which, under the circumstances, would appear to be a woman who has been left by her husband. It's in this way you will be respecting their decision while remaining true to yourself.

I tend to agree with others. This is abusive and coercive behaviour.

It's great that he's had all this time to think only about himself and what he wants without a thought for anyone else. I would tell him emphatically he is not to tell the children about his fantasy life. He's an utterly cheeky fucker to tell you what he plans to do. Tell him not to say a word to the DC and that you will be taking at least a couple of weeks to think about what YOU want when you've had time to process the shock. If he's not happy with this, he should leave now. I'm so sorry @Swampdweller . What a nightmare x

Why don't you explain to him that you're not a lesbian and therefore if he's sure he's a woman then of-course you can't carry on as you were!

She can't say she is a woman, and then blame you for not being a lesbian.

I have trans friends. I didn't know they were until they told me, so it's probably easy for me to say they are exactly who they are supposed to be. I say that because I know you'll be getting a lot of response from people who don't "believe" in trans. I do, but I still don't think you should be guilted into carrying on as normal. Your husband becoming a wife is not the norm.

Quite. He’s not carrying in “as normal” he’s changing his gender; so of course OP can’t continue “as normal” either.

Pensions will be split in a long marriage so don’t worry about that. If you divorce the starting point is 50/50 split of marital assets including home and pensions. Also debts though.

So you will be ok financially.

But you have to be your authentic self too. And if that means you are not attracted to a trans woman then you can’t pretend otherwise. That’s not fair to you.

Both of you need to feel like you can just be yourselves.

I think counselling is a good idea, to help you to work out what you want.