Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

He isn’t a woman, if OP was a lesbian that would be a separate issue.
saying to her husband that she isn’t one is playing his silly game rather than saying she isn’t interested in being a prop in his sexual fetish.

A friend of a friend has remarried her husband, with him wearing a massive white frock (she wore jeans). Your husband will be in groups with men saying their wives have gone along with it, so he will be expecting it.

You accepted his need to cross dress but your boundary was never in the house, you didn't want to participate or see him, he's now told you quite clearly that he intends to cross that boundary on a regular basis @Swampdweller . It's a deal breaker when someone puts aside your boundaries, him saying you're being the one who won't just go on as normal is a massive breach of the agreement you've had for years and he's trying to make it sound normal and reasonable. If your DH said he didn't want to be married anymore but expected to live with you, for you to cook and clean and do the childcare while he lived a separate life would you go along with it? If he wanted to bring his GF round for dinner would you agree? Basically he's telling you he'll live as a woman and you'll go on as normal and it won't effect you, that's utterly untrue,he'll expect you to call him his new name, to go out on girl's evenings, to pretend he's a woman when you have sex. There will be lots of gratification for him but not for you Op, you will become a prop in his fantasy.
I'm so sorry, there is no happy future for you with him. Be brave and go on with your own life alone

Yep, every word of this 👏

What does transphobia even mean. It's just a made up word used by people who pander to the nonsense that people can change sex.

Read the trans widows threads and google skin walking.

Get a secure copy of all your financial details including all his pensions details.

Initiate a divorce asap so that it limits your and your son’s exposure to how much things will change once he feels he’s been given the green light to start living as a transwoman.

Ask him to move out of the family home to limit impact of divorce on your sons.

“He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.” He’s wrong - you are carrying on ‘as normal’ he is choosing to make a drastic change which is not of your making. Going from cross-dressing to Trans isn’t always a logical next step. Unless I’ve misunderstood the part quoted above, he is trying to make your decision to not accept his choice your fault rather than his responsibility.

I am so sorry, OP, I cannot imagine what a shock this must have been for you - I hope that you and DCs have good support to see you through this.

It's not Transphobia to state that humans cannot change Sex so a Transwoman is still, and always will be, a man. Pretending.

I'm several years down the line from this situation and I'm really sorry you're going through it.
Firstly I would say you need your support. He may want you not to tell friends/family but that is not fair on you.
I am now divorced but initially my ex said 'everything will stay the same but I think I'm transsexual'. I too had been aware of some cross - dressing. I then discovered that he was taking hormones in secret.
I had said that I would stay as long as he didn't begin to transition. My experience is that things move on very quickly once they tell you, tell the children, etc and boundaries and lines are constantly crossed.
We lived for a while in separate bedrooms, partly because I was not going to ask him to leave until we had sold the house, but partly I think, because I needed time to believe it was really happening. It was a very unhappy time. S/he became someone who was very hard to recognise and almost went through a teenage phase.
We divorced and shared everything 50/50, I would urge you to consider a pension sharing order if you do decide to go down this route.

She has now fully transitioned and feels happier.
We remain friendly and the grown-up children have a good relationship with her. She is now with a man, having shown no previous gay tendencies - maybe the hormones have that effect.
I have no regrets about leaving.
There is support out there. I had some counselling, you might be able to access something through work or via your GP. I needed a bit of time off work to come to terms with it all.
Take good care of yourself.

You should consider contacting his side of the family and explain the situation if you think they would be supportive of you.

I would not do this. His family are likely to at least side with him even if not completely supporting him.

And you should seriously consider turning him out of the house immediately.

You have no legal right to do this. You can ask him to leave but he does not have to.

Just treat this as any other separation without muddying the waters around his cross dressing. That's a side issue really. What caused the breakdown of the relationship is not as important as the steps you need to take to protect your interests and build a future life for yourself and your children.

I’d divorce - asap

@Swampdweller FiL did this. This stage of the transition (which ultimately stalled) ended the ILs marriage, because he actually wanted a loyal wife at home while he dressed up, went out & got blind drunk, took drugs and got very in to the scene. Great for him, shit for MiL. She is happier divorced, he is still a selfish shit, he now isn't sure he's a woman but still cross-dresses at the weekend.

You look after you, OP 💐💖 This is a big shock and while he’s needing to find himself, you are having to pick up the pieces of a life you once had, a future you thought you were going to have, and a present you have to come to terms with and make practical decisions about. You will also no doubt be the one making sure the kids are ok too. Please seek counselling or other support offline too OP. You’ve been very brave reaching out here when you’ve kept this bottled up inside - please continue to post when you need to as well. You have a lot to think about so go easy on yourself and be kind to you 🌺

So he got to have all advantages of being a man in his career and life. Have an at home partner to bring up his children and keep the house while he did his important job. And now the kids are nearly grown up he has decided that he’s actually a woman.
Nope, sorry. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it.

I have no problem at all with trans people. I have a big problem with men decided that they can do what they want and their wives can just put up with it.

Do not be gaslit into believing that the breakdown of the marriage is your fault. It is breathtakingly selfish to lay that at your feet because you absolutely wouldn't be carrying on "as normal". Little else would cause such upheaval. He is materially changing your marriage in the most extreme way. He is making the change.

@Swampdweller There are so many things I want to say here, but it boils down to the basis of your relationship and that is as a married couple, male and female, Mum and Dad,

I applaud his honesty and his bravery but not his naivety. Yes I understand. he wants to be his authentic self, but that is not the self he committed to a relationship with you with, is it?

If it was me, I think I could sympathise with the depth of his feeling and his need to be himself but then he needs to understand that who he wants to be is not who you committed to and the two needs can co-exist. If he can acknowledge his need, then he has to acknowledge yours.

You can love him, you can support him, but do you want to be with the new authentic him in a new style partnership. His need for authenticity is a grievous loss to you and he needs to understand that.

Maybe specialist counselling to talk this through and find a mutually acceptable path before revealing all to the kids? They maybe kind but if you tell them half a tale, uncertainty will corrode the relationship in many respects.

Wanting the best for your partner is one thing, supporting his transformation is another but being expected to suppress your own needs to allow him his, is not really fair. His transition is one major change. But the other major change, and the one you are actually facing, is: “What is our relationship now? Are we still a couple, or are we co‑parents who care about each other?”
He seems to be assuming the answer. You haven't had space, support, or safety to form yours. That imbalance alone is a reason to pause.

I get he wants to tell his kids who he is, its brave but naïve at this stage until its been decided how it affects your marital relationship, because that question will come when he tells them and whilst he may have been struggling with this transformation for a while, this stage is new to you and you need to decide what to do, and I would suggest you make that decision together before he tells your kids.

Teenagers will ask the obvious questions (hell I'm thinking this too, antyone would):

• “Are you staying together?”
• “Are you still married?”
• “What does this mean for our family?”
• “Is Mum OK with this?”
• “Is Dad expecting us to change how we see him?”

If the adults don’t have answers, the kids will fill the gaps with fear, guilt, or a sense they must “be supportive” at the cost of their own feelings. That’s not fair on them, and it’s not fair on you.

He is running before he can walk and needs to slow down and get specialist counselling to pave the way forward for the family, not just him, otherwise I think he will be setting, not just you, but himself up for a path more painful that it needs to be.

He sounds extreamly controlling,.it sounds like you dont want to leave but do you seriously want this life, if you sell the house can you afford to buy somewhere on your own, i suspect he wants to.sleep with men if he hasnt done so already,. If you get enough money from the sale of the house then divorce him and get a full time job, yes its a free country but think about the effect on your boys

He wants to be his ‘authentic self’? Well I think you should start by explaining that you also want to be your ‘authentic self’ and that’s a heterosexual woman, married to a man.

As your authentic selves are no longer compatible, then you need to decide together how you manage a separation and co-parenting. I would ask him to delay telling the children until you are living in separate houses so they don’t have to deal with a divorce & his new identity at the same time.

Good luck, I hope you find some real life support.

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Rubbish.

You need advice from somewhere that isn't transphobic.

Have a look for local LGBTQ+ groups locally - they often have trans meets and within their offering they may actively include cis partners or have links to other sources of support.

I think the first thing you need is a bit of time - it sounds very new and overwhelming to you. You don't have to stay together. You also don't have to make a decision about staying together or separating right now.

Some couples survive one partner working out that they're trans, others don't.

You might think about counselling as a couple and/or mediation to help you work out how to separate and co-parent in the future.

There will need to be some negotiation with your teenagers over how your husband presents when around their friends (not saying he has to remain closeted but turning up in a dress unexpectedly to collect them wouldn't be kind or supportive of their relationships with their peers). Consider how / when to tell the school.

NHS waiting lists for hormones are many years long so trans people who can afford it often seek private care. It's quite usual for people to continue presenting as a different gender at work/ publicly until they're far enough through a medical transition that they feel like they 'pass' as their gender. For AMAB people that might mean things like having electrolysis of facial / upper chest hair, growing their head hair into a more feminine (whatever that means) style, being on oestrogen for a few months to achieve some breast growth. It can be very dangerous (in the sense of serious assaults) to be a trans woman who doesn't 'pass' in public spaces. Mainly I'm saying that physical changes in your husband won't happen overnight even if the choice is for a medical transition.

He's being quite manipulative with his language. That would piss me right off.

She can make whatever decision she wants.

I think your teen boys may put him in his place. If he thinks that conversation is going to be easy and the outcomes he’s in cuckoo land.