Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Nope !!! NO.... he thinks he can throw a grenade into your lives and HE gets to control the narrative, and control whether or not you continue "as normal" !!! NO .... OP, he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it. That's what HE wants, and he doesn't seem to give a damn what YOU want. Please don't let him control you or the kids. He wants to change his life, so he will have to take whatever inconvenience that incurs. And if that means moving out, then help him pack. He's a selfish excuse for a man, so please don't enable him to continue being just that. Please put yourself first.

He can choose what he wants and so can you. He has bamboozled you through his deceit and you're being nice - OK, simmering angry.

Throw him out. Don't put up with his deceit any longer you deserve better.

You get one life, OP. You and your husband are no longer compatible.

That's exactly it @DimwittedSkater. Many, many couples become incompatible over time and decide to separate/divorce. The OP mustn't feel guilty about this - if she's not happy, she can say that they're no longer compatible and leave it at that.

Re. the kicking out, a spouse doesn't have the right to kick the other spouse out of the marital home. And she shouldn't leave. If she does, she might find it hard to get back in.

If OP decides to divorce, they will have to put the house on the market or one buys the other out. That's the usual way.

Sorry you are going through this nightmare OP. You do NOT need to support your husband with this or agree with it. You'll get lots of support from other trans widows here. Sending courage. Hope you have good support IRL.

Bastard. I’m so sorry this has been dumped into your lap.

Marriage is a contract, he's massively changed the terms of that contract and you are under no obligation to accept this.

Your support should be for yourself and your kids. He has no right to make demands. He has the right to live whatever life he chooses but you have the right to refuse to support it.

Start divorce proceedings and get your financials in order.

Sure for women ffs! Ridiculous.

Hi OP, apologies if someone has already mentioned it, but I haven't RTFT as am on the move.

Please get in touch with Straight Partners Anonymous if you would like to connect with other people who have been through or are going through this.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

It's a really supportive place. My ex left me to come out as gay, so I don't claim to understand your situation, though there are some similarities.

My advice is to get counselling, confide in someone in real life, and see a solicitor. It can be really surprising (shocking) how sly people become once the costs of sepation become apparent.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Edit: not assuming you're separating, but I would make sure you have copies of all important paperwork, just to be prepared if it comes to it. I think it's really hard to to stay in a relationship once one partner does this.

It's your lovely boys that are going to find this incredibly traumatic no matter how kind they want to be. You have been dealing with this issue for years which is difficult enough but what is being dropped on the boys is, as a previous poster said, like a grenade. It will completely turn their world upside down. He is asking them to take on something they are emotionally unequipped for and to utterly change the way they see their dad and what they know about him in an instant. It horrifies me. No matter how 'kind' they want to be it is completely unfair on them and you have to protect them the best you can. I don't know how they might feel about the 'trans' thing but when it's your father who expects and demands you are happy for him that's very different from seeing your peers navigating it all. You have my sympathy OP - he's put you and your sons in a terrible position and personally I would hate him for it.

And for children of transitioners posts too. And if you can, watch this Through the Looking Glass doc by Vaishnavi Sundar

link, sorry.

I would support him 100% but regardless of my love for him I wouldn't stay in the marriage. He deserves to live his life as a woman if that's what he feels he must do. You also deserve the freedom of choice to move on & find an actual man who loves you. You shouldn't be expected to live with the sheer upset of finding out you were led into marrying a woman.

I am so sorry. What an incredibly selfish, self-obsessed action for him to take, and potentially very confusing for his sons.

He needs to think before he tells the boys. They will have questions like “so what do we call you - are you still dad?” What happens if the boys deadname him - will he make a meal of it? Where do you both stand on preferred pronouns? If the boys beg him to not be “a woman” when they are around him, what then?

I would preemptively go to the GP yourself and say “under advice of this gp surgery my dh is planning to tell his vulnerable young sons that he is a woman. Please can you help me to organise counselling for me, and my sons? As I am not able to cope.”

If he does tell your sons, you should definitely be there. Stay calm, and explain to your boys that dad has some upsetting news for them, but you and he are working together to try to figure out a solution. Let him say his piece. Then I would add, “so you see boys, the situation is very difficult. I am very upset of course, because I thought I had married a man. But it turns out he thinks he is a woman. This is all very new, and so there are lots of things for me and your dad to work out. I can’t stay married to a woman so your dad’s decision does unfortunately mean that we will have to divorce. I realise that is very upsetting. It is okay to have questions, hurt feelings, or feel angry and confused. You might feel like you have been lied to or betrayed. You might be embarrassed. This isn’t a dirty secret but you might find it hard to talk about with family and friends. But in the end, this is a family that has a lot of love for each other and dad and I will do everything we can to help you through this. When someone changes sex, it’s common for their close relatives to experience a kind of grief because often the person they know and loved disappears and isn’t talked about. I won’t let that happen. For all your childhood years you have had a lovely dad and memories of him won’t be erased. Your dad has already had lots of help and advice so he is feeling happy and positive now. But we might not be in the same place yet - this is a shock for us all. I’m going to arrange for us to see a counsellor who specialises in helping mums and kids in our situation and your dad is going to pay for the sessions for as long as we might need them. I will always be your mum, I will always be here for you both and I will always love you to the moon and back.”

This is also what I'd do.

Hi may well feel he is a trans woman, but that doesn't mean you are a lesbian. You married a man and are within your rights to be upset that the man you married is disappearing. He can't have his cake and eat it. Decisions come with repercussions. Whether or not you choose to immediately separate, I would strongly urge you to take legal advice on your position re the house, pensions, savings etc. You don't have to take any action immediately, but it will be good to know your options and the real situation. He is following his path and he must allow you to follow yours, in the knowledge that that may not be with him. Would he stay with you if you were a trans man? I doubt it. Men expect a lot more than they're willing to give.

Please don't do any of this. Trauma dumping on kids is not ok.

Jesus @MummyWinswhat a complete load of bollocks you’ve just written.

You’d say all that trite ‘Take A Break’ bullshit to your children??

Just to let you know that someone has posted the original post on X.

He’s not living as a woman though, is he?

He’s a man probably wearing cheap makeup and polyester dresses.

And not cropped out her user name, which I don’t think was necessary.

It's fine if he chooses to live like this op . What's not fine is him expecting you to just put up and shut up . You have a choice and you have a right to say no this isn't for me and I'd don't want to live my life like this . He's needs do not trump yours . It's just not going to work . Separate and either be happy single or give yourself opportunities to fall in love with someone who meets your needs in the same way you meet theirs.

No one can change sex. He is still their Dad, what else can they call him, he's not going to suddenly change into 'mum' is he.

Leave. He’s not the man you married. You aren’t a lesbian so how can he expect you to still be with him? It is sad for him that he felt he couldn’t be his true self before now, but I’d be divorcing asap - it’s not your problem and I certainly wouldn’t want to be a part of whatever he is doing. He is incredibly selfish to expect you to go along with it all.

He's blaming you for not wanting to carry on as normal ... that is ridiculous. It is not what you signed up for and not who you married. If he wants to be a trans woman that is up to him but you don't have to go along with it. I mean, I wouldn't want to.

I absolutely would not allow the children to be told as yet before you take appropriate advice as to how best to handle it. He may well be used to the idea of being a trans woman, but they will not be and it would be like throwing a grenade into their lives. Therefore, it needs to be handled delicately. He is just being selfish wanting to tell them asap.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can get some advice from some organisations.

Sometimes @2dogsandabudgiethese men expect to be called Mum by their children after they drop this bombshell on them.
And get very very unpleasant if the rest of the family don’t pander.