Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

If you genuinely have to ask the question then you absolutely won't understand the answer.

Come back to me when you know the correct question.

No one can change sex…say posters. Yes they can. It’s traumatic and controversial… but it’s ignorant and bigoted to say trans people do not exist. They do. And they change genders. I think the OP was being way too optimistic/ostrich-in-sand when she viewed it as ‘a bag in the back of the wardrobe’. She married and had children with a trans woman. Not as if she wasn’t warned. It’s not just some distasteful kinky fetish, as responses seem to imply. He’s trans and identifies as a woman, they’re not just some naughty pervert. I think they both need to seek expert advice, especially as they have children.

@JadeLeader Oh, how whimsical. The only reason why I asked you is because you denied the OPs husband as being trans.

I wanted to know why you thought he wasn't trans and what you meant by being truly trans.

It seems I'm responding to a 12 year old so nevermind.

Victim blaming, marvelous. This isn't on the OP at all. She didn't marry and have children with a trans woman. You are to blame for the suffering that the trans community face with comments like this.

No, you cannot change sex. Sex is in every cell of your body, it's expressed through the size and shape of your bones. No amount of hormones and surgery can change that.

Well, yes, male cross dressers with cross-dressing fetishes have been around forever. Stockings and heels as worn by men have been making dicks hard for centuries. No one can change sex though.

of course it’s a fetish, there’s not a chance his dress-up clothes are jeans and jumpers, like most middle-aged women wear on a day-to-day basis.

ETA : as to whether it’s a “distasteful” fetish, well, that’s up to the individual, isn’t it? I find it revolting, but to each their own.

Telling the truth, that it's not possible to change sex, is not denying that trans people exist. Now get up off the floor and stop having a tantrum.

The OP married a man with a fetish. An AGP. And now he's decided to make that the centre of his existence and wants his whole family to make it the centre of their existence. This is a family where there are actual teenagers and the most important thing to their dad is to have them validate his fetish. Stop acting like his rights trump everyone else's.

That emperor's new clothes "you're all too thick to understand" nonsense won't wash in FWR.

I think it was Einstein who said that, if you can't explain something to a five-year-old, you don't understand it yourself. So explain to me like I'm five what differentiates a "true TW" from a transvestite, a man undergoing a "mental episode", or indeed any other man who buys his clothes from the women's wear section?

Oh dear. I'm assuming you either left education early or simply threw in the towel.

No argument = ad hominem attacks. This isn’t Reddit, you know.

You know, for a forum who supposedly hate Reddit, it's really surprising how obsessed you are with your perception of it and what you believe transpires there.

Tribalism 101, right?

Professor Robert Winston left education early too?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HMS9uULbh6Y

No level of condescension from you will stop anthropologists from digging up human skeletons and correctly sexing them based on their dimensions and shapes.

I don’t hate Reddit. I love the cricket subreddit and a few related to work. But the trans TiM ones are a fetsihy cesspit, yes.

I remember reading about the Beaumont Society some years ago, OP and that a group called Beaumont Partners, offering support to people in your situation, existed as part of the Society.

I wonder whether Beaumont Partners is still active and could support you in some way.

Actually, you could give the main society details to your husband, as he may be able to join them and find support and friendship as he begins to develop the life he is seeking.

https://beaumontsociety.org/

Guessing that you're on the rota for damage limitation today. Can't have a woman posting about the impact of her AGP husband on her family without one of you lot coming along to distance yourselves from him, might make TRSOH look bad.

The usernames are also very obvious.

I’m not trans and I’m not transphobic, How could my comment possibly reflect negatively on the trans community? I feel for her but she knew he liked dressing as a woman. Clear enough? I’m not blaming anyone. It is what it is…

Sounds terribly hard for you. This is his issue to deal with not yours to carry hope things work out x

@Merrycritictime I'm very sorry but I didn't mean to quote you.

I am so sorry for you OP this is very hard.

Please look out for yourself and your boys and do what is right for you.

I would ask what being supportive of your husband means to him?

Then decide if you can accept this, or not.

Personally, I could not.

I would want to divorce and go my separate ways. But you must decide what is right for you and your boys.

I wish you all the best in a very difficult situation.

Absolutely zero chance I’d be going along with this.
If wearing knickers and a bad wig is more important to your narc-y husband then I’d be stopping him seeing the kids.

imagine the actual state of him rocking up to parents night with his fetish on full show. Mortifying.

It's beyond most people's capabilities. He is asking you to support him/her but is he questioning what support you need? Totally selfish. Assuming you are attracted to men only and not trans women, then he is asking for a huge huge amount of understanding to think you want to stay married to someone different to the 1 you exchanged vows with.

Your feelings matter too. And more so really as he knew what he was feeling but you didn't, so walked into this with 1 eye closed (I say 1 eye as you knew he liked to cross dress)

Tell him your authentic self is a straight woman married to a man and you must live your "truth"🙄.

Which means you will be married to a woman, genuine or otherwise.

He would definitely screw you properly. Start thinking about a job op or some training you can pay for up front so you’re enrolled.

It would be divorce for me.

If he insists on railroading you into telling the kids tomorrow I would be making it very clear to the kids that you do not know what will happen and will not guarantee that you will stay together.

If you get any pushback from the kids you need to stick up for yourself, if they've been brainwashed and are woke kids they may well think it's transphobic to not want to be with him, but if that's the case you need to remind them that your feelings also matter and are just as valid and while their dad can choose to live how he wants you also have the same right.

It may also be the case that they support him but find it hard to witness or embarrassing to be around so they may not want to live with him.