Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Oh @Swampdweller I am so sorry. I am a massive supporter of transgender rights and am one of the minority on here who think transwomen (and men) should be considered and treated as women (and men), but the issue here is about respect for you and this is where your husband is falling well short.

If he was saying that he intends to leave you and set up life as a woman, I would support him. But he is not doing that. Instead he wants to have all of the benefits of a conventional marriage, but where he gets to be a man some days and a woman other days, and you and your children have to be adaptible and understanding and supportive. Fine if you are all on the same page, but totally unreasonable if you are not.

This is a case where your DH needs to be an adult and strike out on his own. You are within your rights to say that this is not the life you bought into.

I hope you both find a way forward that works for both of you, but I struggle to see that being one where you are living in the same house in the long term.

Good luck!

Oh op your teenage boys won’t like this imagine kids at school finding out they will be ripped to shreds he’s being selfish he should wait until they are adults he’s moved the goalposts so can you if you choose. Feel sad for you and your boys.

Well said. Let Marie Antoinette have his cake and eat it, along with doing his own cooking, washing cleaning etc.
If he wants to be in a relationship, well, who'll have him, a gay man?
Another trans-woman?
Who ever it is I'm sure they'll enjoy competing for attention during their brave and stunning journeys together.

I haven’t read all the thread, but you do not have to support him in this. Absolutely not. You can end the relationship and separate if you wish.

Secondly, do not let him blithely speak to your kids about this. That’s a conversation that needs to be thought through v carefully and the impact on them considered, not a conversation he can rock up to with no thought other than for his own selfish preferences.

If he insists on telling your kids he’s a women, you might consider explaining them then what autogynophilia is. A horrible conversation to have with them, but it might help them understand what’s going on with their dad.

Yes.

His “women’s clothes” will be stockings, short skirts, heels. He will be aroused whilst dressing up in them.

I am a woman. Today I will wear jeans and a cotton top and later, when it gets cooler, a big jumper. Whilst “living as a woman” I will shop, do some washing and take kids to places. None of this will turn me on.

Yes it will always result in more. He’s got a fetish and now he wants you to take part in that fetish by “affirming his identity”. It’s all a load of BS and I’d be filing for divorce asap. I’m really sorry you are being subjected to this.

I despair of the gullible naivety of a couple of posters (thankfully the minority, as it is offline) who think we’re all just meanies - you have no clue what many of these men are like. Wake up.

He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.

He's turned your life upside down and says this? He doesn't think of you as a person with your own feelings and thoughts. He thinks of you as a member of his "supporting cast" and is annoyed that you aren't reciting what he thinks your lines should be on cue.

Now he wants you to bolster his delusion in front of your sons and take part in his gaslighting of them and you. He exactly knows who the woman is in your relationship, because he's asking her (you) to perform the emotion work of stopping your sons from reacting badly.

100% of these late-transitioning married men are like this. 100%.

@TinselAngel runs a support thread series for women in your situation: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation

I’m so so sorry @OnlyHasEyesForLoki for what you and your daughter went through. Good on the judge and I hope you managed to put your life back together and thrive since 💐

Gather paperwork.

Tell him to leave - if he won’t you can tell
him he will be eventually as you’re getting a solicitor and divorcing him. Don’t faff about. Get your ducks in a row and kick him out however that happens. He can piss off wanting to live there! You’ll have to sell the house if needed.

Your poor kids. He can tell them himself.

You don’t need to go anywhere. He does!

The controlling is about to come. The whole crap about the OP being in the wrong for not keeping it 'normal' is controlling - it's emotional abuse and manipulation

He is not considering the impact on the boys. He could have waited until the kids left school. But nope.

He isn't taking responsibility here. Chances are he'll scream about transphobia as a means to avoid responsibility going forward.

Is he going to demand that the OP and his children call him she and Mum? That's using them for validation rather than considering how any of them might feel about it.

He is selfish. Now the cat is out the bag it will only escalate. The naval gazing and self centring will only increase.

The transwidow threads are uncanny in how men repeat the same pattern and how it becomes obsessive and eats huge amount of money and the demand grow ever increasingly unreasonable even if the wife sticks with it. Ultimately the wife is the reminder of everything the husband can't be. And therein lies a problem for which she must be punished with compliance and no dissent.

Can't you just tell him you are not attracted to women? You married a man.

This would make me very uneasy. I don't care if you have a small spare room he needs to move into it.

Wow how have you even put up with this for so long? I’d suggest seeing a solicitor and getting him out ASAP

I am supportive of trans people, but if your husband presents as female its fair to say you can't just become a lesbian. Your sexuality and identity is just as important as your husband's. You're allowed to explore and be your authentic self too, you don't have to live as a beard.

She wouldn't be becoming a lesbian in any way, shape or form. He's a cross-dresser with shaped nails.

@Swampdweller you've had lots of replies but this is my view. He’s a transvestite which means he enjoys wearing women’s clothing, right? He’s not transitioning. There’s a massive difference obviously and whilst both may be distressing, they would need to be dealt with differently.
being a transvestite is quite different and you need to work out levels of privacy and disclosure, good luck

“Lesbian” - how silly. The OP’s (ex) DH wears stockings and skirts because it makes his dick hard. This doesn’t make the OP a lesbian.

He may want to be his "authentic self" but he has no right to stop you being your authentic self. If you don't want to be married to a trans person you don't have to be. Nor do you have to pretend to your sons that you think it's ok.
Maybe you feel sorry for him but if he wants to have his cake and eat it where does this leave you? Seems to be a large element of male selfishness here, as a previous poster said.
And I'd have to question whether this is a good role model for your sons.
If he went to his GP would he not be offered counselling? - not that this would necessarily do any good.
I don't see how you can be expected to accept this.

This.

Tell him to fuck off.

You are too good for this pathetic piece of self servicing shit. There are online groups telling pathetic men they are 'brave' for being 'their authentic self'. Its all bullshit narcissist and no care for their partner or children.

This is the best reply on here.

Whilst TWAW and trans identity is absolutely real despite the feeble efforts of certain types of people to loudly and aggressively deny it, it does - with respect - sound like your husband is not a true TW and is, quite possibly, having a mental episode.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Who are you to judge the thoughts of a man? If he says he is a woman and wants to violate women’s boundaries then he is a ‘trans woman’. If one man is ‘trans woman are woman’ then all men who say they are women are women in your case. Congrats, you’ve just eroded all women’s rights and sexual orientation rights.

You see as it’s an internal thought experiment there is no way to tell who is true trans or not. So they’re just men who want to ape women and put on woman face. No matter how sincere their intentions - they are all men and remain so.

Good grief, the world really is just shapes and colours and the occasional noise to you, isn't it?

Can I ask? What makes a true TW?