Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Your opinion than being trans is a fetish is your opinion not a fact

one that happily the vast majority share

In your shoes Op, I would want to tell my boys.

Sorry but I think that he is a vile, controlling prick. He seems to want everything his way.
Get your ducks in a row and divorce him. I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation.

You might think about counselling as a couple and/or mediation to help you work out how to separate and co-parent in the future.

If OP considers counselling, I hope she will seek it for herself. If there is any element of coercion, then couples counselling is strongly advised against.

The marriage would be over for me. I agree with previous advice to seek guidance on supporting your teens. Then get a good lawyer. He sounds very selfish and is only considering himself. That is not a good dad or husband. He has the right to live the way he chooses, he does not however have the right to inflict his choices on you and your children.

The OP asked for our opinions on her situation. Im not asking for opinions on my view.

If you dont understand my view or do but you dont agree, thats fine. Happy to agree to disagree OP can consider the array and take the advice that works for her.

Your opinion is nonsense

and that is fact.

Every ounce of the OP’s energy when it comes to supporting others should be direct to her children and not one ounce to her husband.

OP, there is a big possibility that you and your children will become supporting characters used only to validate his new 'identity'. Please be aware of this, as you need to protect yourself and your children if this turns out to be the case.

There's hell no way I'd be letting any conversation with the children happen at this stage, and it certainly wouldn't be happening without me in the room and first prepping them in advance. That would be a cold day in hell. I'd put an immediate stopper on any conversation happening tomorrow.

You are grappling to get your head around it yourself. You are still reeling and haven't even got a clear idea of what move you want to make yet and the practicalities of a possible divorce. You're in no fit state to help your vulnerable teens navigate through the emotional and mental complexity and fallout of something like this at this point. This is several layers above daddy has decided he loves some other woman!

You need at least a couple weeks to get your head around everything yourself first, then you will be better placed to be a support for them and to protect them and have that conversation. Because I'd bet money that he is going to use gaslighty, narcissistic language to justify everything to them and he isn't going to take responsibility. He's going to frame it as just his right to be him, nothing has changed. He expects the relationship with them to be exactly the same, and he'll even say things like he hopes they'll be happy for him.

My father said the same to me and my siblings after his affair and we were expected to hug and kiss him afterwards. Oh and not cry because 'nothing' was changing.

Say you agree that he needs to discuss this with the children, but you need a bit of time before he does that and you will be there as support for the kids, during.

In the meantime read up on how this sort of revelation affects children. There may be charities that provide counselling to young people that can give support and advice abd get your financial ducks in a row and advice about getting him/she to leave the house.

I'm heartsick for your boys💔 and sorry your going through this OP. Get all the support from others that you can💐 You deserve much better. Basic loyalty for a start.

He’s never going to be anyone’s wife. He’s a man.

Let me guess… his version of wearing women’s clothing isn’t comfy leisure wear or a simple shorts and t shirt?

nope… it will be dressed up to the nines with high heels and a full face of make up

what a pathetic cliche

I am utterly sure he is going ahead with this. He is not going to suddenly wake up and change his mind. He might as well tell the teenagers - you don't have to be supportive. (Teenagers can sometimes be surprisingly blase on the subject.)

I do believe in letting people present themselves however they want but they
have changed the parameters of your marriage in an entirely unacceptable way. I know and work with some
transgender people who have never misled anybody into marriage and live very normal lives. You don't want to have your husband dressed as a woman though and that's absolutely fair enough. I wouldn't either.

I am also utterly sure he will try to cheat you out of any pension if he can. Remember you sacrificed your career prospects to work part-time on the basis that you'd be married to a man so you should absolutely get all you are entitled to when your spouse has pulled a bait and switch.

That’s awful OP. He’s a selfish arsehole who could do untold damage to your teen sons if he blurts this out.

I hope you’re able to divorce him quickly.

I would tell my husband that I would need a divorce because I married a man and I am not a lesbian. That plays into his ideology while being completely fair and not unsupportive. You are allowed to have boundaries around your identity too.

I'm a gay man with a DH and we'd be done if he told me he wanted to be a trans woman. Nobody dictates to me who I should spend my life with.

It's not about hate towards the trans community, you have every right to ditch your husband for this.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your sons, it's incredibly selfish of him and, fundamentally, will be driven by him having a very sexist and objectifying view of women.

You mentioned he has a lot of pensions, probably you already know this but these count as shared assets in a divorce. It's definitely worth getting all the details of these in advance.

That would be a double whammy!

OP, this is huge for you – I wish you strength.

You have had a lot of sensible advice here (along with the daft stuff, but that’s MN), getting legal advice and sorting divorce, accommodation, and money are key.

However, the immediate issue is the children. I would advise you and the person you are married to discuss what he (I use the term he loosely) is going to tell the boys. There is to be no mention of ‘nothing changing’ because everything in their and your lives will change.

Once you have agreed what he will tell the boys, he must tell them in your presence so there is no ambiguity and you have the opportunity of saying ‘That’s not what we agreed’, ‘That is not what you lead me to believe’, etc.

My best wishes.

Perhaps speak with a psychologist or counsellor to help you on the road to acceptance of the situation because this is clearly who your partner is given the lengthy history. Of course accepting who your husband is doesn't mean you have to accept the living arrangements but resisting the inevitable reality will only cause you pain & you won't be able to clearly make decisions in a state of anger & resentment.

I would balance consulting anti trans forums with more objective views given their bias may not be in your interest.

Do not assume that you can trust him to be fair in a divorce situation.

He's already shown that if you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile and then some.

I’m sorry he’s put you in this situation but you can no longer trust him to do the right thing. He’s always going to put his own wants and feelings above you and your children. Remember that!!

I'm not quite sure I know what you mean.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so angry on behalf of another woman in my life. You’ve carried and birthed his children, carried the mental load running his household and numbnuts thinks he can waft around in a Temu negligée, shaping his nails announcing he’s a woman! Sod him! We’ll soon see how much he enjoys being a woman when he’s cleaning his own bog. He can play make believe elsewhere, sending hugs.

My closest friend has been to hell and back going through this with her son. His reaction was similar, why can't you just immediately accept my choices and support me, very selfish, self centred and entitled. Take your time Op to work through this before making any decisions. My friend has come to terms with it now and everything is settled and happy, but it certainly didn't happen overnight

My ex husband did this. Started like yours but I knew it he was saying “I’m a REAL woman NOT an trans woman and anyone who says I’m not is committing a hate crime!”

I ended the relationship and he moved to Wales and hid his history of mental health conditions including psychosis and pretended he’d lived as a woman for many years and got 3 lots of surgery, hormone treatment, speech therapy and electrolysis all at the cost of the taxpayer.

He dragged us through the courts to make our daughter see him against her will and call him Mummy but CAFCASS and a sensible judge refused and reminded him that the child’s feelings were what mattered.

Last I heard he is now in the north of England, bankrupt, jobless and living in a one bed housing association flat after losing his business, property and building up huge debts.

Honestly your DH will spend every penny you both have on his stunning and brave journey and what he wants will be all that matters. Get out before he drags you and the kids through it too x

OP appreciate this is not what you wanted from your marriage but your dh is absolutely looking out for himself and expecting you to just go along with it. So he has always liked women's clothes but now feels he can go out in them and step it up a few notches. Fine, his choice but it comes with consquences. You now have a choice whether you want to continue in this marriage or to bail and make a new life for yourself. He may want to keep the status quo but not really his call, that is your choice to make, not his.

It would be a complete deal breaker for me. Not up for discussion or compromise.