Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Right. It is so nonsensical that this man who fathered two children is now actually a woman. You can’t change your sex as he well knows but for narcissistic AGP’s their need to self pleasure knows no bounds. I am on the side of the children who never asked to be brought into this shit show. When my parents divorced it was earth shattering to me, add in Daddy saying he is now Mummy, recipe for disaster but his fetish comes first.

Run, run op and take your children with you. I can’t tell you strongly enough.

Mumsnet is the right place to post this thread to ask for advice, as that is where many transwidows have posted (as shown by the transwidows threads). These would not stand on Reddit. Also, the advice about divorce is relevant whether the man has a trans identity or not.

He is not a woman. He is not even a transwoman parody of a woman. He is a man with a particular sexual fetish, who thinks it is fine to involve you in his fantasy and make you complicit in his deviancy because to him , having you knowing about the fetish, yet also being part of the secret, becomes part of the sexual kick he is getting out of wearing womens clothes.

He won’t want to take hormones or have surgery, though he will probably wear a wig and makeup. Part of the sexual excitement he gets out of it is that he is still a man, with a penis, who gets a hard on by dressing as a woman.

OP i think you need to have a conversation with him before this goes further.

Im not offering judgment one way or another but if it were me id be asking is the end game him pursuing surgery. Because whilst I know MN is divided even if youre supportive of trans-people its a different ball game being married to one if youre heterosexual and they now dont identify as their birth sex.

Do you want a wife? Because you can support trans rights and not want to have a trans-wife.

While I think he needs and deserves your support in terms of you share children and he needs to be as ok as possible for their sakes he doesnt need your support as his wife. This may mean youre no longer compatible and thats ok.

You can wish him well somewhere else..

And equally if you love him regardless thats ok too, this big news and you dont have you know immediately.

Ideally id want counselling with him before telling the children so hes prepared to answer their questions and the answers dont surprise you

I would point out I was supportive, I support their right to be a woman but as I was not a lesbian I wanted a divorce or an annulment and I was staying in the house as I wasn't the one who turned our marriage into a lie

I am very sorry to hear this. How distressing for you.

Personally, I would kick him out and not indulge him.

It is too late for you but your story might serve as a dreadful warning for women who are supportive of this shite in the beginning. Unless they would be happy in your current situation, they should not be tolerant, not be supportive, not enable in any way whatsoever.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you don't travel any further down this path with him.

While I think he needs and deserves your support

Why does he need and deserve support for throwing a grenade into his families life for a fetish?

Completely beside the point but Sure women will no way be powerful enough for a man. It’s barely good enough for most women in the summer months.

Aside from that, you don’t have to put up with all this OP. If he wants to do this then he can do it alone.

You're allowed to not be attracted to women, or people who wear women's clothes / fragrances / nail polish styles etc.

Some of the discomfort may be because it just isn't what you are sexually attracted to, and it's uncomfortable that your husband expects you to feel nothing has changed.

Why should he have to leave?

Why should @Swampdweller be supportive of a man who has decided to indulge himself in a sexual fetish that she has no interest in and which will only lead to anger and distress for her family . He isn’t a woman, he doesn’t want to be a woman, he wants to continue being a man, with all the privileges that brings while getting a sexual kick from wearing womens clothing.

Would you be asking the OP to be so supportive if his sexual fetish involved wearing top to toe rubber, or dressing up as a baby? He is taking advantage of the lie that we have all swallowed about how importance it is to be kind to men and their sexual proclivities. He isn’t a woman. He is a perverted man who wants his unwilling wife to agree to support him in his sexual quirk. He doesn’t deserve support or kindness.

Yep, an honest conversation that goes something like this.

I'm glad you are being honest with yourself at last, however you need to afford me the same curtesy. I cannot continue this relationship as I, although will love and support you, cannot be in a relationship with you if this is what you want. I also believe it will be in the children's best interest that if this is what you want full time, that moving out and giving them the space to come to terms with it comfortably, rather than forcing it upon them is the way we will need to do this.

So sad it’s come to this. He says he feels the sane and is still the sane person when I try to discuss my feelings. He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’.

😂😂😂

What planet is he on????

Yeah right, you're going to wear dresses and call yourself Kirsty (it often seems to be Kirsty) and in your eyes I'll be married to a woman but of course it's all normal and nothing's changed so I should just carry on like it's the same it always has been???? On yer bike mate.

OP forget about his feelings and his wants - he's doing enough thinking about those for himself. Think about what you want. And don't feel you have to be hamstrung by the DCs. Let them react however they want, but you don't have to be in a sham marriage - because this is what it would be. You say you love him. Now. But keeping things together when, by the sound of it, he plans to be quite aggressively 'woman', is gradually going to leave you a shell.

PS You don't have to be supportive when he tells the children. I suggest he should tell them alone. And if they ask what you think about it, just say it's a lot to take in and it's been quite a shock.

I would be done with him and tell him to leave; if he refused I would not share a room with him. I would be honest with our children and other people about my feelings. I would seek divorce as soon as possible. Economic hardship would be worth it, as having to share a home with a man who was my husband and the father of my children who now believes he is a woman would be unendurable.

A man whose sexual fetish is autogynophilia is one stage from other exhibitionism, which is a precursor to rape: Forcing other people to be part of a sexual wish is not acceptable. Wives and children are the easiest victims to coerce. Just as they are the easiest to attack.

I'm so sorry Swampdweller. There are fabulous women here who have lived through this and I'm sure offer supportive and really helpful advice.

I think asking him to give you more time to come to terms with it first before involving the children is perfectly reasonable. If he is not prepared to listen to this request hes a selfish twat. Tell him your priority is your children and you need to be in a clear frame of mind to support them. Are they aware of his past cross dressing? I really feel for you. Would he consider moving into the spare room? If he's decided he's going to be choosing when and where he's going to act out these fantasies then he should be quite capable of leaving the children out of it for the time being.

But this isn't "normal" that you are being asked to carry on; it's not most of society's "normal" and it's definitely not your "normal". It's not actually the issue of him being trans, it's the total disregard of your feelings. He is just expecting you to accept it. That's coercion.

I would insist on delaying any discussion with vulnerable teenage boys. I think you need to think carefully about what is right for you and not be bounced into anything. Think carefully. I do not think my marriage could continue as in effect it would be a sham. Next week I would be seeking legal advice. It is not unusual for some men to act in this way and just expect everyone to accept who they "really are". If you do this I think you will be unhappy for the rest of ur life.

Would he insist on telling children any other sexual preference? He can go away if he refuses to keep personal matters personal. He is not a woman. He will never be a woman. Children must not be told men can be women. Children must not be forced to know of a father's deviant sex fetish.

If he wants to spend all day dressed as a giant baby (another popular way to get a sexual thrill) then he must do it out of sight of his wife and children. Coercing them to indulge him, maybe to spoon-feed him puree'd food, or hold his hand to 'help' him toddle, or use baby -talk to him, would be obscene. So is getting autogynophilia thrills by coercing anyone, particularly his own family.

I am not attracted to women. I would not want an intimate relationship with one. Its ok he does whatever he feels he needs to. But it is also ok for you to do what is right for you. Sorry, its very sad. I have met a lot of people whose life has been upended when their partner suddenly reveals the identity they have been in denial about, and I am less sympathetic now to the partner. It is such a blow to people who thought they were in one relationship and discovered it was based on a lie.

If you bothered to read the OP’s post, property, you might not have posted such nonsense

The OP wanted nothing to do with her husband dabbling in dressing up in women’s clothing so quit trying to change her mind about this much more serious development

Because it’s his selfishness exploding the family’s life.

Exactly this. Autogynephilia.

I love it when someone partially quotes me to be dramatic and escentially misquote...

1. Your opinion than being trans is a fetish is your opinion not a fact. - in most circumstances people take about the importance of kindness, but because you dont agree with his feelings youve dismissed them as a fetish and said that to justify that you disagree with my opinion that "While I think he needs and deserves your support in terms of you share children and he needs to be as ok as possible for their sakes he doesnt need your support as his wife." And OP clearly was fine when DH was cross dressing in the marriage.

1. I said exactly why and in what capacity I think he will need and deserve her support. For their children. Who benefit from 2 parents able to meet their needs. None of this means he wasnt a good father and as they all adjust to this she might have to show some support because they have family. Hes not alleged to be a cheat, or abusive, controlling. And I said I do believe thats different from her supporting him as his wife.

He doesn’t need her support

every tiny bit of support the op gives needs to be channeled towards her teen boys

and it is mind blowing you think otherwise