The Opening Ceremony began at precisely seven o’clock.
This was not because seven o’clock had been selected. It was because Gumption had announced that everything must be ready by six o’clock, which guaranteed that nothing would be ready until seven.
The stadium—constructed entirely by Granite without authorisation—was packed. Gerbils filled every seat. Additional gerbils occupied aisles, staircases, railings, and several locations not generally recognised as seating.
The elephant shrews stood around the pitch looking official. This alone improved discipline considerably.
A fanfare sounded. Or attempted to. The Library Orchestra had rehearsed for three days but had reached different conclusions about both the tune and the key. The resulting noise startled a pigeon several streets away. Nevertheless, the crowd applauded enthusiastically.
A parade of nations followed. This had originally been intended to feature thirty-two countries. It expanded to forty-one when Gazetteer insisted on historical accuracy. The Kingdom of Burgundy appeared. So did Prussia. Nobody could remember who had authorised the Hanseatic League. A brief disagreement broke out when Atlantis arrived carrying a flag. The crowd chose to ignore this.
Gladiator, observing from a sensible distance, made a note not to get involved.
Next came cultural performances. Geography unveiled a giant illuminated globe. Glyph projected artistic highlights from around the world onto enormous screens. Granite accidentally detonated the fireworks six minutes early. The timing was unfortunate. The effect was magnificent. Thousands of sparks burst above the stadium. The crowd erupted. The elephant shrews looked sternly at the sky.
Then came the ceremonial entrance of the World Cup Trophy. Four gerbils carried it onto the pitch atop a velvet cushion. Three others followed carrying backup cushions. A further seven accompanied them carrying contingency cushions.
“You can never be too careful with international silverware,” explained Gazetteer.
Nobody argued.
Finally, Gumption stepped onto the centre circle. The stadium fell quiet. She unfolded a speech. The speech fell open to page thirty-seven. She quietly folded it shut again.
“Welcome,” she announced.
Cheers echoed around the stadium.
“We have no idea what we’re doing.”
Thunderous applause.
“We are behind schedule.”
More applause.
“Several countries may not be in the correct groups.”
Wild cheering.
“The referees are elephant shrews.”
The loudest cheer of the evening.
“But despite all that, the Gerbil World Cup is officially open.”
The crowd exploded into celebration. Fireworks erupted again. Nobody knew why. A brass band accidentally played three national anthems simultaneously. The elephant shrews marched across the pitch with tremendous dignity.
And somewhere high above the stadium, Granite was already drawing plans for the closing ceremony. It was scheduled for next month. Construction had begun yesterday.
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