Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

Are you saying female people would be in danger in spaces where males are? Isn’t that a very valid argument for single sex spaces? Are you saying “transmen are men” but they should be in female prisons? That seems very transphobic to me. Surely if they are men they belong in all male spaces?

This.

Adult men have 160% the punch power of adult women. Of course that necessitates different prisons. So there is no physical equality between men and women. That's not to say the greater strength of men is 'better' than the superpower of creating new life of women. However that greater strength is a fact and that reality needs consideration when running things like prisons.

Adult men can easily over power and rape adult women if they want to. This is just a fact, especially in prison where it's obviously more difficult for the women to get away. The case of the 'transman' raped WITHIN THE HOUR after being put on a male psychiatric ward illustrates this risk.

If this difference in strength was due to a gene A vs B and divided equally among men and women then you bet society would be organised to protect the men without that extra strength from both men and women with it.

Prisons need to be organised in a way that recognises practical considerations and reality. Or, frankly, there won't be any staff to run them. They're already struggling for staff.

if a trans woman can't use the woman's toilet or the man's, what are they supposed to do?

The key word there is 'can't'.
Can't means 'unable to'. In what way is a transwoman 'unable' to use the men's toilet?
It's not like disabled people who can't use the standard toilets, because they are actually un-able to use them, and need the adaptations in an accessible toilet.

Being a transwoman does not mean you need to use the women's toilet, the way disabled people need to use the accessible toilet.

So I don't accept your use of the word 'can't' in 'if a trans woman can't use the woman's toilet or the man's'
because a transwoman can in fact use either, but they are only allowed to use one - the men's toilet, which they they are not un-able to use.

As long as a building has a men's and an accessible toilet, no transwoman, able-bodied or disabled, is ever in a position where there are no facilities that they can use.

They may prefer not to use the men's, they may chose not to use the men's, they may object to using the men's, but there's no evidence that they will come to any harm there, so it's just personal choice isn't it, it's not that they can't use the men's.

So I just don't accept this 'urinary leash' 'nowhere to go' 'what are we to do?' argument - there's no reason other than 'I don't want to' stopping transwomen from using the facilities designated for their sex. Not their gender ID, their sex.

I haven't even mentioned mixed sex toilets, which don't seem to be a solution as they are 'outing' .

And don't get me started on able-bodied transpeople using the accessible toilets!

Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room.
But there's no hassle required for transition. You don't have to "do" anything at all.

Lots of women find it insulting and dehumanising to be expected to pretend a man has become a woman by putting on a wig/dress/lipstick. It doesn’t matter whether you personally can see why, what matter is that is how we feel.

If you do this before you start the project or discuss it any further you’ll see if working together has any future. If he doesn’t react well you’ll know there’s no point pursuing the collaboration.

I said theoretically, but if you reread I qualified that with a more pragmatic view.

Putting on a wig or lipstick doesn't make someone a woman and I'm unaware who has said so. Surely a trans woman who believes they are a woman wears a dress for the same reason any woman might? As signifier of femininity to ourselves or others. I don't put on lipstick to make myself a woman, but I do put it on to feel more feminine or as a cultural signifier to others about it. It's just a way that we (in our culture anyway) express gender.

I agree that pragmatic concerns need to be taken into account. Which is why I addressed them.

Bloody hell - it's like some ppl have been asleep for the last 10 years

"all the hassle of transition" equals putting on a dress

here is Danielle muscatto going through all the hassle of transition

The colleague in the OP seems to think putting on eyeliner and getting his ears pierced and saying some magic words has literally converted him into a female. No other apparent changes to his obviously male body.

I'm afraid that in the eyes of TRA that makes you a transphobic bigot who is gate keeping transness

I'm saying they would be in danger in prison, because violence in prisons is extreme, endemic and well-documented. Frankly, that's something that should be fixed, but there you go. Violence in bathrooms or changing rooms is extremely rare and having them being single sex offers no protection anyway. Predatory men aren't put off by a women only sign.

Ah the old "women will get attacked anyway so why bother?" gotcha! It really is 2019 again

But that’s good then that violence in changing rooms and toilets is extremely rare, it means TIM will be perfectly fine in male spaces so they have no need to use female spaces.

I say "can't" because a trans woman using the men's toilet might:

• feel uncomfortable being around men in the same way you would be uncomfortable around them. But their exact same feelings should be dismissed?
• cause embarrassment and disruption if they pass as women and then are ironically challenged for using the "wrong" toilet.
• yes, actually be in danger, because men's violence against trans women is well-documented. Historically, many trans women have been killed by men.

I could see an argument for them, as a small minority having issues with the other options, to use the accessible toilets, but that seems to bother you too :/

And yet people who have come out publicly, gone on hormones, had operations, etc., etc., are still treated as suspicious. Meanwhile, realistically speaking, a man has never had anything stopping him using the women's bathroom without pretending to be trans. There's no gender identity force field protecting it.

But that is mens problem to solve surely? Why is the fact men might get upset or feel uncomfortable women’s problem?

women might feel uncomfortable at a male using women’s spaces. Why should their feelings be dismissed?

the TIM may cause embarrassment and disruption to women by not “passing as a woman” Why should that be less important than causing embarrassment abd disruption to men?

male on male violence is not women’s problem to solve. Why is no one telling men they have to be accepting of males who present differently. In the UK in the past 15 years not one TIM has been killed in a male toilet.

You don't seem to have a problem with the transwomen making girls and women uncomfortable, when he uses their safe spaces. From a previous post, you also seem to think that a man can become a woman, by enforcing outdated gender stereotypes such as wearing a dress. Do women become "unfeminine", if they wear jeans, or never wear dresses?

I mean, technically the only thing stopping most burglaries is a locked door, but some still happen. Are you suggesting no one locks their doors anymore as burglaries still happen? Are there any other crimes we could prevent by just getting rid of laws? How about, if we get rid of drink driving limits? I mean, there’s laws against that but people still do it don’t they?

Are you seriously suggesting that if a man who calls himself a woman goes for a wee in the men's toilets, other men are going to murder him for that? Please be realistic in your arguments.

”Suspicious” for what? Men shouldn’t be in the ladies’ facilities. They are violating women’s privacy and dignity. It’s an act of harassment and a red flag in and of itself.

Ideally, nobody should be made uncomfortable. Which is why I would favour individual gender neutral toilets even though I myself don't care who's in the toilet with me. I'm afraid you badly misread my post, because I was saying the opposite. Wearing a dress does not make someone a woman. But a woman may CHOOSE to wear a dress to express her femininity to herself or society. Do you have a problem with women who do that? Logically, a trans woman wears a dress for the exact same reason: to use a cultural shorthand, either for themselves or others, because it feels nice to some people to look feminine, however that is expressed in their society. It's an expression of gender because that's how our culture portrays it, but it doesn't make us women or not, obviously.

You can’t have it both ways, if violence in toilets and changing rooms is incredibly rare, you can’t both use it as a reason to dismiss women’s concerns and say that trans identified males need to use women’s spaces for their safety.