Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

And here we are, discussing trans identifying men in all their feminine glory, instead of the situation OP finds herself in, supporting her in being faced with a difficult decision, and making suggestions as to how to avoid potential adverse effects on her.

(I would still be interested in Labyrinth's answer to my question as to how her feminism can include men taking rights and places away from women.)

It's the same argument you are you using as to why trans women shouldn't use the women's, surely? It's either a problem or it's not. I myself don't care whose in the toilet with me, but given that rates of violence against women I'm at least empathetic about it. If you look up the rates of violence against trans women you may feel some empathy for them too.

I'm saying I don't see how it will prevent harm, but only how it will cause harm. Laws that don't function as intended are pointless.

TIM should use make toilets because, well, they’re male. If it’s not for safety, why else should a male be able to use female spaces. You agreed violence was rare, so what other reason could there be?

how will keeping all males.out of female spaces harm women? What material benefit do women get for allowing males into female spaces? You’ve said how it would benefit TIM. What about women?

I answered that up thread. Feminism is about equal rights. I've yet to be given an example of a right taken away from us by trans women, but I'm open to further information.

The right to single sex spaces? The right to define women without reference to males?

You're jumping to the worst possible option, without evidence, just like OPs friend now has a whole forum of people who don't them from Adam assuming they're the worst person just because of their gender identity. It's prejudice, and I don't like prejudice.
In terms of sport I believe sex should matter if someone has gone through male puberty. Otherwise I don't think it's any different from women who are naturally taller/stronger/have slightly elevated testosterone. Because then where do you draw the line? We can't penalize women for that.

The same argument would follow as to why shouldn't they? It's either a problem or it's not, and if it's not, why not just let people be?

The right not to be subject to mixed-sex imprisonment, which is enshrined in the Geneva Convention. (Cruel and unusual punishment.)

So you’re advocating for no TIM in female sport. Awesome! We’re all right behind you. But then if you don’t believe TIM are women when it comes to women’s sports (so should be excluded), why do you think they are women when it comes to any other spaces? Either they see women for all intents and purposes and belong in female sports, or they are not, and don’t belong in any female spaces..

No it’s not the only argument. You’re not listening, are you?

I’d ditch the project and disengage from this person. You have no obligation to enable or affirm someone else’s fantasy life.

You’ve been given many. As i said, you either aren’t listening, or you’re avoiding them. Which isn’t particularly reasonable engagement, is it.

It is a problem, so no.

How are those rights? If trans men are using men's spaces, it's not unequal. And how does any of this affect how we define ourselves? We are women and nobody can take that from us. Conversely, being too rigid in our definition could harm women who don't come across as feminine enough. It's a slippery slope.

What problem?

We are women. Men are not women.

Legally transmen cannot use mens single sex spaces so transwomen not being able to use womens single sex spaces is equality.

What is rigid about the definition of a woman being an adult human female?

I'm happy for them to be treated as women. There are a very small handful of ways in which biological sex matters, and I'm pragmatic about that. Irrelevant to whether my co-worker wants to be called 'she', that's all.

That women can’t have single sex spaces when they need them because there are men in them? Violating their privacy and dignity, subjecting them to harassment just by being a man when women expect to be in a women’s space because they are vulnerable. Putting them statistically at more risk. It’s not particularly hard to grasp for anyone with any empathy for (other) women and girls.

Because…

Men are not women.

Women want and require their own spaces and the law agrees.
Some people need to face reality and no amount of providing facts and logic to them, they’ll never understand.

So hold on, if they are not rights, then neither is the right to use opposite sex spaces. So by denying transpeople the use of the facilities of their choice, they’re not losing any rights either. And I am including men in that. Men deserve the right to single sex spaces too. If woman is defined as “adult human female”, then that would automatically exclude TIM right? And you’re saying women should be able to do that? Awesome. So now we’ve got all TIM being excluded from all women’s spaces as they are not women and all TIF being excluded from all male spaces as they are not men.

How would you treat a male as a woman? What does that mean to you?

lol you cannot be this dense

if the definition of women also includes "and some men" then how do we for example commission the right number of maternity services for a local area? What we should be able to do is look at the census data and say 'right in this area there are x number of women of child bearing age, y % of them are likely to have children, therefore we need to commission z number of maternity services"

men are not women
apples are not oranges painted green
rabbits are not cats with big ears attached

bit you know all this, you just think men's feelings are more important than women's