Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

How flexible is the project start? Can you defer it for a bit to see how you feel about it once you’ve had a chance to speak with him?

Honestly I’d find any other excuse to cancel the project, or replace him, but I’d make sure it was a plausible one and then never admit the real reason. I wouldn’t want to work with somebody who is asking me to join in with any delusion or their fantasy life.

Cancel the project . Find another reason if you need to but I wouldn't put myself through this. I would also be so offended by a male friend declaring himself "female" that any friendship would be immediately over.
I have no patience left for this misogynistic nonsense anymore.

Yeah I wouldn't be going along with his fantasy. Honestly, I think I'd just say, "Come on, mate, you're not a woman. You've never mentioned this before and you've never acted in any way like a woman. You don't have any of the experiences that a woman your age has had." But then I'd be cancelled! I just don't think I could work alongside that at all.

If his pronouns say he/she just use he as he is obviously fine with 'he' aswell.

You have my sympathy, I would absolutely hate this.

How open is he likely to be to any imposition of boundaries on your part? Say, for example, you were to tell him that, in working with him, you want to stay clear of any requirement to validate his identity: you want your time together to be undistractedly focussed on the project, and you will use his name rather than pronouns.

If he isn't open to that, I would make my excuses and run. If you know in advance that he won't be open to that, don't even raise the question, don't say anything about his announcement, just find some excuse for withdrawing.

SORRY SORRY when I wrote "changing his pronouns to he/she" I meant to write changing his pronouns to "she/her". Sorry, it must be the heat!

SORRY SORRY when I wrote "changing his pronouns to he/she" I meant to write changing his pronouns to "she/her". Sorry, it must be the heat!

I am actually deeply offended - the idea that a woman is created by putting eyeliner on a man seems degrading to my entire sex.

Having to abandon the project seems a bit drastic. Appreciate this can be a potential minefield but if he’s a good friend can you talk to him about how you feel? Maybe along the lines of well obviously you wear and call yourself whatever you want to but I’ve known you as my male friend Steve for 10 years so this is a surprise , it’ll take some getting used to and bluntly we might not always agree on language etc?

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans",

I mean, it wouldn't make it "look like" that would it, that would be what is happening.

The project is my brainchild and I invited him to join, as he is the expert on this particular subject. I don't know anyone else who could replace him, so it would be cancelled. The timing is up to me so yes, I could just wait and wait... and then never do it, that would get me out of it without having to say why.

Urgh.

I mean, if he is a friend do you think you could voice how you feel without the risk of backlash from him?

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female?
You could say "Your private life is not my concern, we are here to work," and then immediately ask him a question about the work.
Alternatively say something like "pull the other one" or "I don't see it the way you do" and again immediately change the subject to work. If he refused to let it pass and tries to engage you in arguing, then it is option one above: you are here to work not talk about his private life.

This frames his "trans-ness" as something private to him, nothing to do with you or work.

He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.
That wouldn't bother me. Names are just names.

I would be clear to both him and my company on my position from the outset ‘I’m not calling you she because you’re male, and thus ‘he’. It is degrading to pretend males are females. Do you want this project to go ahead.’
so many events have happened recently that we’re allowed to tell the truth again

Yes, you are right. It is because of the "trans thing".

What I meant was, it will look like I am being a horrible person when I'm not at all; I'm just a woman and a realist.

I'd rather he said he'd "found Jesus" because he would not expect me to convert as well but allow me to continue to be an atheist - i.e. live and let live.

This approach is good. See how it goes.

I think you might have to do this unfortunately.

I really feel for you OP, what a hideous position to be in. If it was me I’d speak to him in advance of the project start date and say while I’m happy to respect a change of name I won’t call him she/her because as we all know it’s impossible to change sex (and very insulting to women to suggest that earrings and eyeliner makes him a woman). That way if he’s going to have mantrum he’ll not do it part way through and you have time to find someone else. The tide is turning on this nonsense but there are still some zealots who will affirm no matter what so it’s still a tricky situation.

He's not a close friend. He's someone I've collaborated with on some projects, but also met privately for a cuppa and a chat now and again, for over 10 years.

You ask her/him how they wish to handle it.

They have been upfront with you and clearly feels able to talk to you. So feel able to talk back and ask.
I worked alongside trans people many moons ago. It takes a great deal for a person to have such a conversation. They know what is said about them and are at huge risk of personal attacks, bullying and ridicule.

Talk to her/him.

There is never any compromise here. You can't just say 'ok well can you believe what you want and let me believe what I want'.

That's the problem, there's no middle ground, you are expected to adopt his language and beliefs and that's not ok.

You are absolutely within your rights to say I don't want any part of this. You do you and let me make my own choices too.

This is poor legal advice. Gender critical employees have tended to lose legal cases where they have explicitly refused to use a trans person's pronouns, and nothing in the law has changed that makes this any less likely to happen in future.

OP, it's not clear what capacity this research is taking place in - is this a work thing, a voluntary thing, an academic thing? If your relationship could be interpreted as employer/employee you have to be very careful about any changes of plans, because I'm afraid this person would have a case for discrimination if you suddenly drop them as soon as they come out as trans and can't come up with a very convincing alternative reason why this happened at just the same time. The same might be true if it's a voluntary or academic position, depending on the set up and the dynamic.