Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

It's not nice when people are prejudiced, is it.

That sounds like a you problem.

"take the enjoyment out of the whole thing"

NAIL ON HEAD! He's ruined it for me already by suddenly coming out with this announcement. I was looking forward to spending lots of time with him during our collaboration, because we've always enjoyed each other's company.

Now I am feeling like I will have to walk on eggshells, and if I don't go along with it 100% he will not only turn against me, but smear me to everyone we know. My worry about that has already taken all the enjoyment out of it and replaced it with worry, anxiety, and a sick feeling in my stomach. I think your making me realise that has given me the answer to it -- I really will have to cancel the project, which also makes me feel gutted, but at least it does not make me feel terrified of being targetted by the mob. I have seen on YouTube how viciously they attack women and I don't want to put myself in that firing line.

I'll postpone it and hope that one day he'll realise it was just a response to heavy stress and return to being his old self again.

Oh- I wish I was a cool girl

He can be a ‘gender’, adopting feminine stereotypes, and enjoying his imagined self in his own mind, without saying he has to be recognised as a sex.

He can put on eyeliner, change his clothes etc but that is all. He cannot expect anyone to believe, or endorse, that he actually is a woman.

A lot of these men start thinking of themselves as women in adulthood, as a result of repeatedly indulging sexual fantasies where they imagine themselves as women.

Feeling sympathy with how some people are towards others does not exclude me from feeling sympathy or even concern for all sorts of situations and people.
It is possible to do both.

"continue to use them"

You know NOTHING about how my association with this man has been conducted, so let me put you straight: nothing could be further from the truth. My friend needs money and my offer would make him money - lots of it. He was extremely grateful when I made him the offer. If that's "using" in your mind then you need a dictionary.

But calling a man "she" implies agreement with the idea that woman is merely an identity that can be appropriated by men if they desire to. It's not a neutral action.

I mean, then what it comes down to is how important is this project and what will the long-term outcome be in terms of having to remain connected with you? I think you have several options but you have to consider them very carefully.

If the project is important to your business, and he's the only other person who can support you on it, you may need to bite the bullet and get through the project but hopefully once it's over you can go your separate ways?

If it's going to require really long-term and close work, and will forever link him to your company, is it worth dropping?

Or is there really no one else you can replace him with? Being that he's not an employee it's not an HR issue.

Personally, if a male friend told me he was Trans I would likely drop the friendship. I know lurkers might think that's whatever but I can't imagine choosing to remain friends with someone, in order to be their friend, I'd have to pretend I'm OK with something Im in firm ideological disagreement with. Another poster said even if they found Jesus unless they were trying to convert me I could tolerate it, but with trans ideology Id just rather not be friends frankly out of courtesy to them as much as for my dignity.

Hmm, I’m not sure he has completely magicked himself from a man entirely and completely into a woman if he hasn’t got a hair slide in. The eye liner, and the earrings are all well and good. Like the rock stars have. But a hair slide is the magic gadget.

I’m sorry for the flat earth, anti science ideological situation this man has brought to your door. A real dawning of the dark ages, even more unscientific than the first time around. What is the choice? Go along with his claims, or find a way to avoid being in such a dystopian situation that does not harm you, or your prospects.

Think of a way of sparing yourself the aggravation of having to indulge such false claims. Nobody changes their sex. Find a new partner, or new project.

Maybe next time you meet him, tell him there is a force field around you, and if he comes within six metres of it he will be magicked ‘back’ into a man. No more odd than his claims.

I'm a very uncool middle aged woman, and honestly I manage to get on with the trans people in my life largely because I don't consider their beliefs about their gender/sex to really be my business, any more than my beliefs are their business. Perhaps you should give it a go?

Not necessarily. It can just imply an agreement that it's generally polite to call people what they prefer to be called.

Based on your words:

this man genuinely IS the only person who has the knowledge needed for this project. He's built the knowledge up over nearly 40 years. Think geeky hobby and you won't be far wrong. I am a geek in the same area but with about 1% of the knowledge he has.

In this specific hobby-that-could-become-a-business scenario, I would be honest but keep it away from the business element.

I would meet up with him on a social footing, NOT to discuss the project/business. I would wait to see if he brings it up, and if he doesn't I'd say, "Are you wearing eyeliner? Fair dos!" or something to open the conversation. Once he's told you he's trans, just say, "Oh okay, each to their own. Just so we're clear, I respect your beliefs but they are different to mine. I don't believe people can change sex, and I use sex based pronouns. I hope that won't be a problem for our friendship?"
If he says it's a problem, say, "oh dear, I'll be really sorry to lose you as a friend, and on the project, but I totally understand if you want to step down from it." Make sure it is he who cannot tolerate working with you and your beliefs, not the other way around.
If he says he understands your beliefs are different, and he's fine for you to continue using male pronouns, then surely you'd be happy to carry on with the project?

In that case to “do a Bridget Philipson” might be your safest option until you can see the lie of the land.

Yes, you have put my worries into words - "could blow up". As much as I would try to walk the thin line, walk on eggshells, try to compromise but without harming my own boundaries, I cannot control everything and something that I cannot possibly predict now could indeed "blow up" somewhere down the line. It's so risky. Too risky.

I don't mind working with a bloke wearing eyeliner - I've been gender non-conforming my entire life ("male" career, "male" hobbies and interests, no make-up, short hair, unisex clothes, bisexual etc.) but I know that I am a biological female and that these things do not make me a male person. I guess that is where he and I differ.

Nobody's asking you to 'convert.' They're just asking you to refer to them in a way they prefer. In my day this was just called manners. If you go ahead with the project I think you'll find they are the same person they've always been and it's really not that big of a deal. A little politeness and professionalism goes a long way.

You're asking her to respect your wishes and yet you can't do the same for her!!

You have a very strange perception of the trans gender community if you believe that people are transgender for political reasons.

Do you think you could ignore the whole ‘man claiming to be a woman’ thing? Only use his name, and keep interactions to the business. I can think of a few situations where someone could be presenting as someone they are not that would be offensive. They would be treated with derision. Strangely it seems that men claiming to be a women is the only one where the presenting as something you are not is promoted as not just acceptable, but real. So, men getting praised for being offensive to women really.

@LizardyGuts

Looking on his FB feed, everyone he knows is congratulating him, "stunning", "brave", "you look beautiful hun". As he has so much support, could he tolerate having just ONE person in his life who doesn't go along with it?

"If he says he understands your beliefs are different, and he's fine for you to continue using male pronouns, then surely you'd be happy to carry on with the project?"

Yes, BUT I would be sick with worry the whole time that he may change his mind. If he starts socialising with other trans, they may urge him to demand compliance from everyone in his circle, and not let even one single acquaintance or hobby-friend hold her own beliefs.

Sorry to be a Harry Potter nerd but there's a bit in I think the HB prince where Tom Riddle is described coming to see Dumbledore and ask for a job. He demands that Dumbledore call him 'Lord Voldemort' and Dumbledore says no, but nicer, something along the lines of having known him as Tom Riddle for a long time and being unable to see him as or call him anything else. I'd recommend reading that for a start! Some very clear boundaries there. I always point it out to my DDs.

His response to you saying you've always known him as male and therefore can't call him she/her will tell you whether or not he truly is a friend or if he's an abusive narcissist that is demanding you give everything whilst getting no mutual respect or consideration in return. Personally I'd not want to work with someone who cannot show me mutual respect.

You CAN avoid pronoun use and just use names, it is possible but obviously a mental load on you that you might prefer not to have.

I feel like this friend has made a decision for them and youve decided that this means theyre not your friend theyre someone completely different and somehow "other"

She hasnt said anything to you, accused you of anything, behaved in anyway differently and youve decided will judge you, name call you, "smear you", "target you" and she doesnt know her own mind shes just "stressed". Youve almost victimised yourself to a non-existant mob.

You havent even tried talking to this friend. If you cant just be pleasant, could you try (toned down) honesty. That you dont have other transition friends, and tbh you have no experience of this and feel a bit uncomfy take it from there.

I think it would be similar to a friend suddenly becoming a vociferous Reform supporter, or suddenly going from socially liberal values to orthodox religious beliefs. It would make me look again at our whole friendship, wondering how they could hold views so antithetical to mine, and so extreme, and I’d not noticed; or how they’d changed their value system in that way.

I do work with trans identified people who I like and respect for their inherent qualities, but I do have to think about their beliefs and discuss them in the same way I would with deeply religious people- and for broadly similar reasons.