Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

Have just seen this, so in this situation I find it somehow worse that he hasn't made contact.

They are the same person they were before, if you got on well before theres no reason why that should change.

Trans people understand it takes a while for others to get used to new names and pronouns, I'm sure it won't be an issue if you accidently use the wrong one.

However. What is an issue is your bigoted attitude, maybe it will be better if you dont work with her, but make sure you tell people the reason why.....that instead of supporting a colleague and friend, you'd rather give up the project. You shouldn't ask to remove them or cancel the project, you need to remove yourself from it and give him the chance to work with someone supportive.

You wanted to engage your friend on a project that you hope will make you both money but not involve any contract, formal agreement or paperwork ? That will entail you working closely together for months ?
I get it relates to your hobby but it sounds like a serious task. Not to have anything in place sounds risky to me. Irrespective of anything to do with his transition. How much money would be being put into this project ? That alone would require some sort of agreement.
And if you have one of those you do need to consider legalities.

I agree with this approach.

You made me laugh, which is good as it lightened up something that has really got me feeling miserable.

Ok, so they are a friend....very much manly looking but now self declared a woman's identity....since they know each other, he or she might wants sex....so?

I'd cancel the project. I've no time for this BS.

They MUST be someone else with similar expertise. This MAN cannot be the only person who knows the info you require. After all, HE learned it from someone at some stage.

I can honestly say that I met worse people who are clearly male or female than the trans people I have met.
I am not trans myself. I just worked with them.
Depressing thread.

I’d just take a ‘that’s nice, dear’, approach. He’s allowed to have his beliefs. You don’t have to agree with him. I’d just not discuss it unless it actually becomes a problem.

If this project is designed to make money for both of you through a company you own, I wouldn't assume that this man won't have a discrimination claim against you if you drop him from the project for trans-related reasons. I'd get legal advice before doing or saying anything to him that he won't like.
You say that his pronouns are currently he/she, so there seems to be some flexibility at the moment, but of course that may well change.

I had the same, was the sweetest gentlemanly trans I every had around me....adorable tall masculin man

What utter drivel.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans"
You are (or you would be if you cancelled the project).

losing his friendship forever
You will anyway when he realises you are GC.

risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions
This is the consequence of your belief system. HOWEVER, you won't be the only one who feels this way, so this effect won't be universal.

My concerns would be:

legal - we have seen how, for trans-identified men, this can become the driving force and nothing else matters, so you would need to assess worst-case scenario in any possible legal context, however unlikely it might seem at present; and

social/business - if you refuse to go along, eg to use wrong-sex pronouns, you could end up with a reputation for being anti-trans which would damage you in both these areas. And before someone jumps on the anti-trans bit, no woman should be forced to give up the definition and language of our sex class to include men, or to work with males who think that 'womanhood' is something that they can know anything about.

Not sure it's worth the risk, tbh. There is no way you would be able to avoid pronouns in the course of this if this is something you will want to monetise, as that will inevitably involve communicating with other people.

How important is the project? Not for you, for the ultimate beneficiaries? If it is really important and he has a vital skill - like the late Queen Mum's orthopaedic surgeon who at first was noticed wearing makeup in the 1980s and then, having had children with his wife, made a surgical transition to a woman, continuing to do hip replacements on the NHS at the same time, I would continue. If it is a non-vital project, just cancel it. And then start it again, in a while, with different hires.

I had no idea people could be so insecure about their sexuality.
I can honestly say I have never felt threatened by the trans people I used to work with. I did not feel offended as a woman either. I felt sorry for them often.
Such a long way to go in the world of humanity.

I don't want to explain in detail because it's too outing, but this man genuinely IS the only person who has the knowledge needed for this project. He's built the knowledge up over nearly 40 years. Think geeky hobby and you won't be far wrong. I am a geek in the same area but with about 1% of the knowledge he has.

Well it doesn’t sound like you can do the project with anyone else. So what is more important to you - doing the project or respecting your opinions? If the former, do the project and treat your friend like any other human being, if the latter, cancel the project and be prepared for potential fallout.

If it is at this point a completely informal arrangement and any money which may be made in future is purely speculative, I think you'd be legally safe to just drop it. If there has been any formal agreement made about work and income, even hypothetical, this complicates matters. Likewise if he has any grounds to argue this is a "job offer" of sorts, even if you haven't formalised it as yet. And regardless of the legalities, I'm afraid there's no magic bullet to avoid the social consequences, if people think you are in the wrong they have a right to think that, and if they think this has happened just because this person is trans, well they are not wrong about that.

Honestly, I expect I will get pushback for this but I'm going to be blunt - I'm gender critical but trans people exist in society and you will encounter them from time to time, and if you really cannot cope with them or work with them at all, then that is a "you problem", to be quite honest. This situation you might be able to get out of, but in the future you may encounter a situation you can't just avoid, ie a work colleague or family member. You may have to find a way to reconcile your beliefs to be able to co-exist with them just as you would with anyone else who might hold beliefs you don't agree with. Trans people are entitled to courtesy and respect, the way I see it if anyone not trans told me they'd changed their name or wanted to be referred to in a particular way, I would honour this out of basic politeness so I don't see why I can't do this for trans people. I think of using pronouns as somewhat divorced from sex in this context - the same way you might call a boat "she" but understand it is not actually a woman, or how some languages gender nouns but aren't literally saying the table is female or whatever. Ultimately even if you get out this situation with no legal issues and minimal social flack, you still will have lost both an opportunity and a friend which would be a shame on both counts if this happens.

If this person is someone you like, and value professionally, can you not respect their wishes?

I'm not "insecure" about my sexuality. And sexuality has nothing to do with this problem. Moreover, I don't feel threatened by my friend - unless you mean the fear that he may have turned into a political activist hell-bent on destroying the lives of people who don't agree with them.

I do actually feel sorry for him because he seems to have lost his way in life, and ended up falling into this as a way to cope with the heavy stress he's been under lately.

Yes. I was not intending to try to talk him out of it.

If this person is someone who likes me, and values me professionally, can he not respect my wishes?

And this post is spot on - show some compassion OP!

What's the link with sexuality?