Inside the mind of a non-binary woman

[RogueFemale]

This article popped up on Apple news this morning. A first person account of a woman's experience of feeling she is 'trans' / 'nonbinary'.

It starts off with her saying: "When my date used my correct pronouns, I felt a sudden surge of happiness. ... It was then that I realised how little my identity had been affirmed in my previous relationships with cis men, and how this simple act, which should be the bare minimum, felt monumental."

It was a startling insight into how these people depend so much on someone else's validation and others saying the right words (in this woman's case, "they/them") to support their fragile sense of self. (It's also unclear how pronouns would come up during a one-to-one date).

Anyway, just sharing because it's an honest and revealing account of this woman's mental state.

She's with a trans-identifying-woman now, and seems happy. Well, sort of. "Now, every intimate movement encompasses our transness, whether it’s a ‘no-chest’ day, or a day I feel most comfortable being intimate with a binder on."

It seems like a very roundabout way of being two lesbians.

metro.co.uk/2026/05/12/sex-a-fellow-trans-person-put-off-cis-men-life-3-28322552/

'cis' was invented by an apologist for perversion

or as John Money would have it, for paraphilia

https://grokipedia.com/page/Volkmar_Sigusch

Transparent your child is not relevant here.
We are responding here to direct quotes from the article where the person concerned says they knew they were nonbinary because [stereotypes].

I'm trying to process "he came out to a friend age 4".

"He came out to a friend aged 4"

Come on, now.

I would love to hear how this went and why you think it was "coming out" rather than a thing a 4 year old said once, alongside lots of other funny, mad and demonstrably untrue things 4 year olds say.

Unless your 4 year old was a prodigy, she did not have a nuanced think and discussion about the nature of gender and sex; what happened is that she said to her little friend, "I'm really a boy [like my brothers]" and perhaps kept up the play with that friend as a running game.

Any number of parents could claim on exactly the same basis that their child has "come out" as Queen Elsa, a cat or the secret prince of a faraway country.

The only difference between those children and your daughter is that your daughter has a parent who has decided, post facto, to take it seriously and attach a profound capital 'M' Meaning to it.

I second @FlirtsWithRhinos questions about what this word "boy" or "man" actually means when you use it.

I was in secondary school for three years with a girl who was a pony, except during classes.

*with a mare.

No violence on this thread, please.

My friend and I took turns to be pony and rider, the rider using the pony's school cardigan as reins. I enjoyed being both pony and rider and we were quite egalitarian with turn-taking

A lot of ponies quite enjoy breadcrusts; my equestrian identification didn't stretch as far as eating them though. I still don't.

I think you confirm that I'm not wrong at all by using the words "was raised as a cis girl".

To raise someone as a cis girl you first have to buy into the gender stereotype that the term cis girl even means.

Well, there are cis boys and girls in the world.

And there are trans boys and girls. And non-binary people. They are not cis, they're different.

Genuinely, there is a difference between sex and gender. People are all different.

Being trans is not cosplay, or really a choice. It's just who someone is, and they remain a tiny minority.

I'm afraid human beings have only begun to understand this, and far more categories of people will emerge.

As for hair colours - well, as the internet has shown, people.don't always agree on what a colour is when looking at it. People who are colour blind see the world differently, for example.

Neurodivergent people don't see or experience the world in the same way neurotypical people do, either.

Read what trans and nb people say about how they feel, and don't dismiss it just because it's not your own experience, is my answer here. Accepting difference is an option.

One example…

When is saw you crossing the road I thought 'Where's she going?'

Another example is talking about someone in their presence

"Janet is here to talk to us about hang gliding, she's a world champion."

Neurodivergent people don't see or experience the world in the same way neurotypical people do, either.

Read what trans and nb people say about how they feel, and don't dismiss it just because it's not your own experience, is my answer here. Accepting difference is an option.

Nobody is disputing that we all experience the world in different ways and 'feel' different things about ourselves. Doesn't mean it is a reality or that anyone else has to act as though your feelings are reality.

🤦I was explaining that he was assigned female at birth.

Right before describing how I raised him within my own gnc frame of reference, determined he wouldn't be subject to gender stereotypes. He had exactly the same upbringing as his brothers, and (I used to joke) forced a world of pink glitter on me.

I wanted him to have what I'd been denied - train sets, adventure, being allowed to get muddy and challenge stereotypes. When he turned out to live make-up and tutus, I had to challenge my own thinking about pink, and accept it's just what some girls want. That pink isn't always a tyranny and I should let him be as he wanted.

I accepted that I had quite rigid thinking about gender stereotyping and should've been nicer to friends who liked trad girly things. Learning experience all round.

This is literally my life experience, and his. We are both gnc. Being a trans boy isn't about anything other than knowing you're a trans boy.

So without using sexist, outdated stereotypes, and gubbins like feelings, what is the difference between a “ cis girl” and a “trans boy”?

Genuinely, there is a difference between sex and gender.

Of course there is, that's the whole point.

That's why its impossible for somebody to accurately describe themselves as feeling like a man when they were born female, or vice versa, because they cannot possibly know what it is to feel "like a man" when they were born as a female.

We all, trans people included, need to understand that the sex you were born does not dictate how you have to behave and present. And that it is perfectly possible to be a female and present entirely at the masculine end of the gender spectrum, and vice versa, without actually being the opposite sex or "knowing" what being the opposite sex feels like. With some obvious physical limitations around reproduction.

He wasn't assigned female at birth.

He was female at birth with xx chromosomes and no Y

He remains female now.

He can present and behave how he likes but you cannot change his biology.

I am using "he" here only out of respect for your wishes.

If being a transman says exactly nothing about how a person looks, feels or interacts with the world except that they feel an attachment to the three letters m-a-n, then it's an entirely pointless classification which we're all right to ignore.

In reality the word man mens something to these people based on their observation of the world. It clearly does not carry the meaning we would give it of male adult. So it carries some other meaning based on what that person observes of men and women and how they generalise that in their minds. That can only be stereotypes whether overt activity/style based ones like in the article or more internalised.

I'm afraid human beings have only begun to understand this, and far more categories of people will emerge

Ooh, I look forward to finding out what exciting new gender category I belong to. Meanwhile, I'll just carry on being me. 🙄

I think this is the thing, as a fairly non typical female, that bugs me personally most about the trans issue.

It's that the whole thing is predicated on absolutely entrenched gender stereotypes.

Your tedious and insistent use of the "cis" makes it clear that you're not a serious person by any standard

Oh my god, you've also said "...he was assigned female at birth..."

You have to be a spoof account, please god

There are 2 sexes. So no one is 'non-binary' in terms of their sex, because human beings are male or female.
And as to gender, are genderists actually saying that there are 3? Basically, Barbie/trad-wife 'feminine', Ken/hardman 'masculine', and non-binary (so much more interesting and rounded and modern than all the binary people)?
Because it feels that all the claims that, 'you have to listen to what trans/nbies are saying' show that those categories are what it boils down to.
It would make more sense to argue for anything between 0 genders and 8 billion (or however many humans there now are) genders. Though what that would add to 'individuals are all ...individual' is anybody's guess. It's all really self-referential nonsense.

Labels, we never liked them we used to cut them out of our jeans - to label someone was a nasty move now the young they love labels - they don’t exist unless they have a label. I don’t understand it. I hope they do.

This is excellently put and I'd be very interested to hear @TransParentlyAnnoyed response to it.

Lots of people grow up trans/nb and tell almost no one. But coming out , living as themselves, is profoundly healing of that disconnect.

@TransParentlyAnnoyed you said living as themselves earlier, but it’s been puzzling me and I’m hoping you can explain what you mean, particularly in terms of NB (as per the thread) as you’ve been quite responsive.

I genuinely don’t know what it means to live as a NB individual. How does it meaningfully differ from living as any other woman (like the ones you call ‘cis’)? I mean the literal only difference in my mind is that you expect people to change how they interact with you (or about you?) but I’m not sure I’m missing something here?

Probably. So 99% of people are non-binary, and the remaining 1% splits 4 ways, the ones who obsessively model the stereotypes of the sex they were born into and the ones who obsessively model the stereotypes of the sex opposite the one they were born into.

And yes, I agree, there's a strong mental health element to wanting to conform to stereotypes, whichever way it goes. And it emerges as hard to like, again, whichever way it goes

I wish they'd identify as something interesting - ornithologists or cooks or train spotters or sudoku fans or gardeners. Something outside themselves.