Inside the mind of a non-binary woman

[RogueFemale]

This article popped up on Apple news this morning. A first person account of a woman's experience of feeling she is 'trans' / 'nonbinary'.

It starts off with her saying: "When my date used my correct pronouns, I felt a sudden surge of happiness. ... It was then that I realised how little my identity had been affirmed in my previous relationships with cis men, and how this simple act, which should be the bare minimum, felt monumental."

It was a startling insight into how these people depend so much on someone else's validation and others saying the right words (in this woman's case, "they/them") to support their fragile sense of self. (It's also unclear how pronouns would come up during a one-to-one date).

Anyway, just sharing because it's an honest and revealing account of this woman's mental state.

She's with a trans-identifying-woman now, and seems happy. Well, sort of. "Now, every intimate movement encompasses our transness, whether it’s a ‘no-chest’ day, or a day I feel most comfortable being intimate with a binder on."

It seems like a very roundabout way of being two lesbians.

metro.co.uk/2026/05/12/sex-a-fellow-trans-person-put-off-cis-men-life-3-28322552/

That's very honest of you, thanks.

Truth is, being trans is a personal thing. It's just something you know you are.

And I am not trans so cannot describe it.

Some people know that the gender they were assigned at birth doesn't fit who they are. Some feel that no gender fits them, and feel.great relief from living as non-binary.

Being trans isn't cosplay. You can't talk or bully someone out of being trans, any more than you can if they're gay, or ace, bi or pan.

It's just who they are. And it matters so much that they'll put up with a soul-destroying amount of harassment, intimidation and violence to live as themselves. I think that should be respected.

Thank you @soupycustard! I read most of the article before giving up and reading the comments. I was continually thinking, “navel-gazing.” It was epitomised by this sentence:

Navigating my gender identity and sexuality has been an intertwined journey, with my queerness becoming more prevalent the more I delved into my gender.

For goodness’ sake. At one point Dee, the author, ponders on whether internalised homophobia had been a cause for why she used to say she found women attractive but couldn’t be in a relationship with one. Yet, Dee hasn’t joined the dots. That’s exactly what is going on to the present day. Some struggle to accept she was/is attracted to other women. Mental gymnastics.

Thank you for answering. It’s really interesting because I had the exact same thought in my late teens and early twenties about rejecting the ‘pink princess’ ideal being true feminism. I was a massive advocate against the pink/blue toy shops and clothing departments (particularly in supermarkets that are awash with blue, pink and some beige for the younger years) and swore when I had kids I’d bring them up in a world where nothing was off limits. I’ve since aged and had children and realised that there is no wrong or right way to be female.

I think we both want the same for our children and future generations - a world where women can be, or enjoy, whatever they want to without scorn or judgement.

Where we veer is that I believe no matter how you dress, what hobbies you have, beliefs you hold or other parts of you stop you being a woman, whereas you think there’s something important enough to make you no longer a woman but a man (in only societal terms, I think?).

This was just bizarre reading and it featured more than once. So, what, her ex would talk to her in the third person all the time or was he speaking to some imaginary friend in the same room? “Hi Fred, I’ve got to get the tea started because Dee and I are hungry now. I wonder what she would like. Shall I go and ask her?”

Seriously, when would he have had a need to use her pronouns when it was just the pair of them? Mind you seeing how most of this article was about pronouns, presumably she insisted on speaking about them at length whenever they were together. Instead of “say my name, say my name,” it was, “say they/them, say they/them.”

As for this bit in the article:
Gone were worries that a cisgender male partner would misgender me in the bedroom…

Errr, how? I’m assuming if there were multiple partners involved. “Oh yeah, she likes that.”😂 Surely if it was just her and the ex, they would have referred to each other by name?

Well whatever makes them happy in the relationship but only mutually connected people who are like this will go into a relationship together.

For me, it sounds like too much hard work and unpredictable, will surely cause arguments after the honeymoon period.

I really don't mind/care about what gender anyone is or claims to be. Tell me your pronouns, I will respect them when talking about you because otherwise it's just us so 'you'.

However, when it becomes too complicated that's when I will get weary because I really have far more important, immediate and real issues to deal with in my life.
When someone is guiding me about pronouns when I've come out for a couple of drinks after visiting a loved one on end of life care, this is an issue I don't have the energy to deal with.
It may be important to you but to me all I see is another human, have a chat. I'm in a bad place, this was my respite time, I don't want to argue about offending you because I said a wrong pronoun.

I think virtually everyone thinks that no gender fits them, because gender is about grammar not about human bodies. That is why no-one had a gender until the mid 1990s. Not because we were non-binary but because gender had not been fantasised into existence.

We had, as we have, sex. Which is binary. A tiny number of people tried to 'change sex'. Which is impossible.

Were you yourself gnc before or after your child came out as trans?

Is it:

Thank you, you're welcome.

I know that I don't believe there is any right or wrong way to be a woman. And that includes being a trans woman. I'm a firm believer w e're such different people that only one thing unites us: experience of misogyny. I don't believe in the 'special.experience' of being female, or that birth is an achievement.

I think that the bravery of women, living with constant fear and prejudice but persisting, is our collective achievement. Unfortunately. Something cis men will never understand, but trans men do.

Trans men are different to cis men because they suffer the effects of misogyny as well. They are usually ardent feminists. My son is a trans man, but he often jokes that he doesn't like "blokes". He is always hypervigilant to danger, because being a trans man makes you the target of considerable misogynistic anger. (And the intrusive questions from others! Amazing how grown adults will ask a child 'exactly what are you?' or 'how do you have sex?')

I appreciate it's difficult to get your head round..My son put it like this: "you've always said you didn't have to convince other people, that knew you were a woman. I always knew I wasn't."

I don't know how it feels to be trans. But I do know he is not a woman, and that the kid who danced at Covent Garden with a perfect bun* en pointe had long before told someone he was a boy.

*done by his dad

Hang on, so you think the only thing women have in common is experience of misogyny, but some men (trans men) experience it too?

The numbering is just an NM glitch, it does h he sad be to me.

I read the rest of your thread thinking "but that's just how all of us who aren't totally male or female live".

I do think, though, that the AGF males who are among the most vociferous in trans activism have done your child and their community immense harm.

@TransParentlyAnnoyed

I would like to thank you for you very calm and reasonable explanations on this thread.

That. Is. Meaingless. Word. Salad.

Until. You. Are. Able. To. Clearly. Explain. What. If. Anything. Connects. A. Trans. "Boy" .To. The. Male. People. Also. Called. "Boy" .

And. What. If. Anything. Is. Different. Between. A. Trans. "Boy". And. Other. Female. People.

All. You. Have. Is. A. Person. Wrongly. Interpreting. Their. Emotional. State. As. Meaning. They. Are. Somehow. Mentally. Different. To. Others. Of. Their. Sex.

Until. You. Can. Put. Meaning. Behind. Your. Words. Your. Claim. Your. Child. Is. Really. Trans. In. Any. Way. That. Is. More. Meaningful. Than. A Self. Defined. And. Self. Imposed. Label. Has. As. Much. Behind. It. As. You. Claiming. Your. Child. Is. An. Apple. Or. A Boat. Or. Any. Other. Abtritrary. Word.

If. You. Want. Your. Child's. "Boyness". To. Be. Respected. By. Anyone. Outside. Their. And. Your. Head. You. Need. To. Make. It. Meaningful. To. Others.

Do you understand transparent about words having meanings, and children not being born knowing the meanings of words? In order for your child to think they're "a man" they have to ascribe some meaning to the word "man" that isn't "person with a male body". There's a logical gap here that any amount of saying they just know is not going to get you around.

@TransParentlyAnnoyed How old is your daughter? Is she neuro-typical?

And I notice you replied to this post where you could have a little dig, but not the posts with the hard questions about how your assertions fit into our shared reality.

Because like it or not, when you define anyone as a "boy" or a "girl" because of something in their mind rather than their body, you are imposing identity on the rest of humanity as well, half because you are saying they have "this thing that is not sex" in common with that person, and half because you are saying "they all have this thing in common that this person does not have".

And no word salad in the world changes that. It's unavoidable the moment you allow the language of sex to label something mental.

Thank you.

And incredibly telling it was deleted. Presumably for the last line which gave someone an excuse not to engage with several paragraphs of unrefutable reasoning. Sigh.

As I said in the post, they got nothing. And we all see it. Every time they reply with "no it's not that" and never with "actually, it's this, and this is how it makes sense", it's more and more clear.

They. Got. Nothing.

God, this is so regressive it’s ridiculous. It’s like we’ve gone back to the 1950s. I expected a better argument & description of what being non-binary is from someone who, by writing an article about it, presumably wants to try and convince readers it’s a valid identity. She can’t be that basic and stupid that she actually thinks a girl playing with both boys and girls toys means she’s part-male 🙄. It’s embarrassing. I’d at least expect her to say something like, “it’s not simply that I grew up playing with girls’ and boys’ toys and liked wearing both boys’ and girls’ clothes, it’s something deeply ingrained in my brain, it’s very hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it blah blah” that would at least make me ponder whether it might actually be real but saying it’s because she liked “boys stuff” FFS! It’s so ignorant and so utterly self-absorbed. I can’t imagine anything more boring than making your whole identity about what gender you are. I grew up playing with Barbie’s and action men. I liked them both equally. I played football with my dad, I did dance classes, I also had Timberland boots (which weren’t even masculine! Girls and boys wore them equally in the 90s!) I also loved a good party dress. I’m a lesbian and as a fully grown woman now I rarely wear dresses or heels unless it’s a wedding or really fancy party, in which case I might choose to rock a really fem dress and heels and like feeling feminine and being in touch with my femininity. But I could just as easily choose to wear a fitted suit and love being in touch with my more masculine side but I wouldn’t “feel like a man”. I’d feel like a lesbian. There’s a huge difference that I don’t think young women today understand sadly. I’d feel more like a lesbian if I was wearing a suit, I’d feel more like a straight woman (I guess cos I’m my mind I associate straight with feminine) if I was wearing a dress and heels. It’s fun to explore both sides though. I never “feel like a man” though. That’s so different to expressing your masculine side as a woman or feeling like a lesbian

Bumping 'cos it's so good.

@TransParentlyAnnoyed Your child has been led to believe something that has no basis in reality. However hard you try, you cannot bend reality to fit her belief. It would be kinder to tell her the truth. She's a girl.

She says: ‘I always knew I wasn’t cisgender. As a child, I enjoyed both boys’ and girls’ toys, clothes and activities. I would wrestle with my dad before going to dance class with my mum. I wore Disney princess dresses with Timberland hiking boots underneath.’

god almighty, that sounds like a perfectly normal girl. Why do some people have such narrow, rigid, stereotypical ideas of sex??? So fucking regressive.

So if trabs is “just who someone says they are”, with no actual definition, then how can a trans person know they are living as the opposite sex? If no one can define which sex is which, how can someone know they are the “”wrong” sex. Therefore no one can know they are trans. Basically you’ve just erased transpeople. Well done. But transphobic but you do you.

Where? Did I miss them? All I’ve seen is word salad, waffle and narcissism.

Must admit I was a bit stumped by that post too. Serious question @Imdunfer , what did you find reasonable? As in 'reasoned using logic'.

What worries me with all this is that women are being expected to give up various rights on the basis of a "just something" that it seems non-trans people can't understand, and which trans people seem unable to explain.

If you don't change your body, and have an eclectic wardrobe and a variously-gendered range of activities and interests, what does "living as" (the opposite sex, or as non-binary) actually entail?