Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

[BlueLegume]

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns.

She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved.

Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following:

I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical.
I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men.

I do not believe anyone can change sex.

The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense.

Advice welcome.

@BlueLegume, I honestly feel like you are writing my own story. My DD is entrenched currently in the most liberal leaning university in America 3,000 miles from where we are, and where she grew up (which is BTW also a fairly progressive area on the opposite coast). I have no doubt she is living in a bubble of acceptance and skewed perspectives where she is, but at this point I’m not sure that even if she relocated things would be completely different as she is now 27. She’s also on the entire pro-Palestine, anti- Israel, etc etc agenda. Every day I feel she is slipping away a bit and it’s so sad.

I hold liberal views myself and do not consider myself a conservative. It’s just that this new situation with the trans partner has pushed me to a new level that I frankly am having a very difficult time coming to terms with. It’s a dichotomy. I try to dig deep to figure out if this is really a societal problem for me, culture, tradition, true fear for my DD’s well being…or more than likely a combination of it all. For instance, when she was in same sex relationships for the past 6-7 years, we learned to accept it to the point that we invited her partner on vacation with us. We never rejected her and never will. But I am tired of being classified as a homophone and now a transphobe. I am entitled to my own beliefs as much as any queer person is. It’s a 2-way street when we’re dealing with adult children. They need to understand that.

@Husky0830 couldn’t let your last post go without acknowledgment. Slipping away is such an apt phrase. The most recent call |I had with her she was really really upset and I recognised the little girl chin wobble she was struggling to manage emotionally.

I do get it. If she isn’t fully on board she will be cast out. I also get that she has a good heart and these causes appeal to her as she sees oppression. But that word has also been weaponised to further the trans agenda. When I speak to her about men in women’s spaces she tells me I should be more open minded and kinder as they are vulnerable and oppressed by bigots and transphobes.

We are living in a dystopian world where the institutions have all been captured.

I am hoping time will pass and the whole ‘progress’ flag days will start to falter. The progress flag was flying over the Royal College of Nursing today.

If that is not a big middle finger to wider society to say we are here and we ain’t going anywhere I do not know what is. We are heading to not being able to make anyone redundant because at this rate everyone will have a protected characteristic. 💐

@Husky0830 Especially if you are in the US you might find this three-part podcast interesting. It's called "Strange Bedfellows" and it's a history of how the LGBTQ movement(s) started and got together and how this alliance is under increasing pressure from the inside. The presenter is a gay man and he has fascinating conversations with some of the people who created that alliance.

Part 1 When LGB Met T
Part 2 The Q
Part 3 Backlash

The third part shows that dissenting voices aren't just on the right or homophobes and transphobes, even in America. There is conflict and disagreement among liberal people and LGBTQI people in the US too though the big organisations that claim to represent them deny it.

There is hope. Maeve Halligan is a force to be reckoned with and gets the whole ideology. Hope this link works - there is also another I will try to post where she is debating at the Oxford Union and Helen Webberly makes a weak appearance.

I think this is also a link to Maeve speaking at the OU
https://x.com/theasewell05/status/2055119527914938412/video/1?s=61

Apologies - Maeve spoke at the Cambridge Union not Oxford

She is utterly brilliant!