Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

[BlueLegume]

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns.

She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved.

Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following:

I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical.
I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men.

I do not believe anyone can change sex.

The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense.

Advice welcome.

THIS!!!

In SPADES!!!!

In this case, @BlueLegume 's DD will need to calm down from her transactivist script to listen to & respect her mother's opinion. Dealing with difference is not a one-way street.

This is difficult. I’m also a sex realist / gender critical, but I think if you want to maintain relationship with her, you’re going to have to find a way to skirt the issue.

That doesn’t mean compromising your own beliefs though. I would: refer to the partner by their name rather than their gender, change the subject to safer topics and wait it out, see what happens. It might yet “blow up the family” if she won’t accept that as a strategy, but I’d make sure my words and actions were consistent, moderate and kind, so that if things DO escalate, I knew it wasn’t down to me.

I can imagine it would go down well, or be seen as neutral, using "they" for the TiMs in my life. It would be a stark contrast to everyone else using "she" and it would be obvious that I was making a point.

Arrgh, too late to edit... "I can't imagine," of course

You can be gender critical and your daughter can believe in gender ideology. It doesn’t have to ‘rip your family apart’ or destroy you and your DD’s relationship. So OTT! If the person she’s dating is a nice person and treats her well, that really should be the end of it. It’s two opposing political beliefs at the end of the day. No one in your family is actually being hurt or suffering here (apart from your self-imposed suffering it seems). You think a difference in political opinions should be more powerful than blood, love and family?! That’s insane

Do you expect her to date a trans woman or non-binary person because she’s made it clear she would in the past? If it’s just because she’s a lesbian then I don’t think that makes her any more likely she’d date a trans woman than a straight woman would be to date a trans man (not very likely). I’m a lesbian and i definitely wouldn’t date a trans woman. Even the most pro-GI lesbians I know have never dated a TW and I’m almost certain they never would (although they’d never admit that!) despite the fact they claim TWAW

I said woman who identifies as a man - a 'trans man' not a man who identifies as a woman. I wouldn't expect a lesbian to date a man.

It shouldn't be, but you would be amazed how many parents have been rejected by their trans-identifying children for failing to affirm them enthusiastically enough. Mine is still just about in touch but he won't acknowledge me at family gatherings, precisely because we have differing political opinions, and I know dozens of other parents in the same or similar situations over gender politics. Gender ideology encourages its adherents to reject those who don't agree with them. See also the hounding and cancellation over the last several years of people who spoke up in public.

Ah my bad, well in that case yeah that’s more likely. Although most of the lesbians I know that have dated trans men started out dating them when they identified as females then stayed with them after they transitioned

It isn’t about two conflicting ‘opinions’. It is about one person wanting those around them to lie in order to support their idea of themself.

I'm inclined to agree; I think most people want their parents' full approval and are upset when they don't get it, especially when they have made their "gender identity" their defining identity. It must be galling for our son to realise that we don't see him as our daughter when he so much wants to be looked on as a woman.

Good luck OP.

I just wanted to say you do not have to change your beliefs or understand the position of your daughter's chosen partner. This may well fizzle out quickly. Or may not. One things is for sure if you are open about disapproving she may not come to you to talk when/if it does fizzle out.

BlueLegume

I am also very sorry your daughter has changed recently, and sorry it seems she is being so aggressive in wanting to 'educate you'. I can see how frustrating that may be.