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Original poster

'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

338 replies

IwantToRetire · 14/03/2026 22:08

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

A mother with her two children by the sea

'A trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

From mourning the life they no longer have to feeling never-ending pressure, women tell the BBC why they regret becoming mothers.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

OP posts:
PepeParapluie · 15/03/2026 17:08

MarieDeGournay · 15/03/2026 16:52

I'm not even going to try to express why this resonated so deeply with me, even though I'm childless by choice, never entertained the possibility of motherhood for one nanosecond...

But the uniqueness, the power, the responsibility, the dependence - I see all that from a distance, and I know about the joys and pleasures, and the worries and
fears for your defenceless, dependent 'little grubs' .Smile

I see it, and I would never want to do anything to undermine a woman who is undertaking that unique journey that I didn't undertake.

Is that a roundabout Mothers' Day greeting? If you want it to be, and if you can take it in the spirit it is intended, it is💐.

And Kingdomofsleep the story of your friend brought tears to my eyes, remembering my mother saying the same thing to us when we were kids if we saw a 'down and out' in a doorway 'Remember - he was once a baby and his mother loved him' - which has remained with me all my life.

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It resonates with me too. It’s hard to explain but since becoming a mother I feel the burden of so much more empathy than I had before in a quite an oppressive and distressing way sometimes. I can’t watch or read anything that concerns children getting hurt or lost or anything, because it feels to awful to contemplate. I used to watch lots of history documentaries and current affairs programmes but struggle with those now because I can’t bear to think of women in dire situations trying to save their babies or having their children killed or taken from them.

@MarieDeGournay Your mother must have been a kind woman to pass that sentiment on about others, it’s a good thing to remember where possible.

Kingdomofsleep · 15/03/2026 17:09

MarieDeGournay · 15/03/2026 16:52

I'm not even going to try to express why this resonated so deeply with me, even though I'm childless by choice, never entertained the possibility of motherhood for one nanosecond...

But the uniqueness, the power, the responsibility, the dependence - I see all that from a distance, and I know about the joys and pleasures, and the worries and
fears for your defenceless, dependent 'little grubs' .Smile

I see it, and I would never want to do anything to undermine a woman who is undertaking that unique journey that I didn't undertake.

Is that a roundabout Mothers' Day greeting? If you want it to be, and if you can take it in the spirit it is intended, it is💐.

And Kingdomofsleep the story of your friend brought tears to my eyes, remembering my mother saying the same thing to us when we were kids if we saw a 'down and out' in a doorway 'Remember - he was once a baby and his mother loved him' - which has remained with me all my life.

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Thank you 💙

SidewaysOtter · 15/03/2026 17:27

“…remembering my mother saying the same thing to us when we were kids if we saw a 'down and out' in a doorway 'Remember - he was once a baby and his mother loved him' “

The sad thing is that some mothers do not love their children. It simply isn’t true to say otherwise, much as we might want to believe it.

It ties into this idea that “You love them when they arrive”, like that just happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. I admire the sentiment but a horrifying percentage of homeless people were abused as children, some of those by their own mothers. Assuming a mother’s love just happens is to deny the experience of those who weren’t loved or cared for.

As for the Childfree MNers board, I don’t understand why it garners such hostility. I’m sure there are some posters there that post in bad faith on threads about children (although, as this thread has shown, discussion of not wanting children (before or after birth), even if it’s relevant to the conversation in those cases, does not sit well with some). But there are plenty of parents who go onto childfree threads to tell posters that they have no meaning in life, don’t know love and even lecture them that they won’t go to heaven:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/5451801-so-relieved-i-didnt-have-children

PepeParapluie · 15/03/2026 17:33

ArabellaScott · 15/03/2026 16:03

It may not feel like it, but it will pass. In those early days it really does overwhelm. My god, it does. Those endless days. And then it very very slowly gets a little bit less intense, all the time.

And suddenly they are nearly grown and the challenges are different ones, and the feelings of being stuck are transmuted into a different thing altogether.

And it feels like those endless days were a blink of an eye and you miss how tiny they were.

It all sounds a bit cliched, but that's probably because its a truism.

I do think its a shame there often isnt the time and space in the early years to really enjoy them.

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Thank you for this. I often cant see the wood for the trees at the moment. You’re right it’s a shame it is hard to appreciate it fully when you’re in it. Like being young I suppose! You take that for granted at the time too.

I think advice like this is why the loss of the village is a double whammy, not only does it mean the loss of practical support but also moral support and the experience of those who’ve been there and done that. I have a group from ante natal class and we are muddling through parenthood together, but except for our own mothers, we don’t have anyone from another generation to seek advice from really.

Kingdomofsleep · 15/03/2026 17:38

there are plenty of parents who go onto childfree threads to tell posters

Yes, indeed, this is unacceptable in exactly the same way ...this is the point being made ...hmm.

Kingdomofsleep · 15/03/2026 17:40

PepeParapluie · 15/03/2026 17:33

Thank you for this. I often cant see the wood for the trees at the moment. You’re right it’s a shame it is hard to appreciate it fully when you’re in it. Like being young I suppose! You take that for granted at the time too.

I think advice like this is why the loss of the village is a double whammy, not only does it mean the loss of practical support but also moral support and the experience of those who’ve been there and done that. I have a group from ante natal class and we are muddling through parenthood together, but except for our own mothers, we don’t have anyone from another generation to seek advice from really.

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I think advice like this is why the loss of the village is a double whammy, not only does it mean the loss of practical support but also moral support

Mumsnet has genuinely been one of my Villages, especially for breastfeeding support in the early days, and for my birth trauma (many name-changes ago).

PepeParapluie · 15/03/2026 17:42

Kingdomofsleep · 15/03/2026 17:40

I think advice like this is why the loss of the village is a double whammy, not only does it mean the loss of practical support but also moral support

Mumsnet has genuinely been one of my Villages, especially for breastfeeding support in the early days, and for my birth trauma (many name-changes ago).

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Yes me too, I actually first came here when pregnant and suffering from HG, it can be a brilliantly supportive place.

Autumn38 · 15/03/2026 17:53

OP I don’t think you’ll get many (if any) mothers coming on this forum saying they genuinely regret their children. There are parts of motherhood that are painfully hard work, but I don’t think it’s common if I’m honest and where it happens I should think there is a specific reason that has little to do with motherhood in general and more to do with that woman’s specific circumstances.

ArabellaScott · 15/03/2026 17:58

SidewaysOtter · 15/03/2026 17:27

“…remembering my mother saying the same thing to us when we were kids if we saw a 'down and out' in a doorway 'Remember - he was once a baby and his mother loved him' “

The sad thing is that some mothers do not love their children. It simply isn’t true to say otherwise, much as we might want to believe it.

It ties into this idea that “You love them when they arrive”, like that just happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. I admire the sentiment but a horrifying percentage of homeless people were abused as children, some of those by their own mothers. Assuming a mother’s love just happens is to deny the experience of those who weren’t loved or cared for.

As for the Childfree MNers board, I don’t understand why it garners such hostility. I’m sure there are some posters there that post in bad faith on threads about children (although, as this thread has shown, discussion of not wanting children (before or after birth), even if it’s relevant to the conversation in those cases, does not sit well with some). But there are plenty of parents who go onto childfree threads to tell posters that they have no meaning in life, don’t know love and even lecture them that they won’t go to heaven:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/5451801-so-relieved-i-didnt-have-children

Well, thats obviously equally daft and inappropriate.

ArabellaScott · 15/03/2026 18:04

PepeParapluie · 15/03/2026 17:33

Thank you for this. I often cant see the wood for the trees at the moment. You’re right it’s a shame it is hard to appreciate it fully when you’re in it. Like being young I suppose! You take that for granted at the time too.

I think advice like this is why the loss of the village is a double whammy, not only does it mean the loss of practical support but also moral support and the experience of those who’ve been there and done that. I have a group from ante natal class and we are muddling through parenthood together, but except for our own mothers, we don’t have anyone from another generation to seek advice from really.

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I found childcare swaps enormously helpful, fwiw. Just a couple of hours here and there. I hadnt known that was a thing with my first, used it probably twice a week with my second.

And as soon as one or both are in nursery and school, you start to get a little bit of time back.

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:12

Butterflydreaming · 15/03/2026 09:28

I’m sorry, but just no. No matter what pseudo-psychological-sociological language you dress this up in, no child should hear their mother regrets having them. Feeling loved, secure and wanted is absolutely key to a child’s sense of security, worth and attachment. And that’s important for how they ( even unconsciously) see themselves as adults.

It’s perhaps the ultimate narcissism of the ‘individualistic me-me’ age to think parents have a right to prioritize their own mental health by telling their kids they regret having them.

It’s cruel. It’s wrong to do this.

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No, whatever feelings of regret someone has, telling the child about it is never the right thing to do.

JuliettaCaeser · 15/03/2026 18:18

Hang on in there mums of tiny ones. This too shall pass. Both mine came home for the day are fab company and we played scrabble drinking champagne. They are lush now. They don’t stay tiny and hard work forever can recommend the post 16 years!

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:20

Brokenandbewildered · 15/03/2026 11:00

I think I know what the big taboo is about. It's to do with a mother's love for her child and how that is used to trap and silence her into a life of drudgery and caring - a type of silent martyrdom (you must nevert tell anyone, especially your children if you regret becoming a mother) so that men can get on with more interesting things.

Most of us think the nuclear family is the natural way for humans to live, but any evolutionary biologist will tell you that humans engage in alloparenting - shared parenting and that's how our brains are wired. We are certainly not wired for doing it solo or even as a couple. We are also not wired for teenagers living at home because they would have been fending for themselves in our evolutionary history.

The gap between our brains and our culture is where the taboo lies. Our culture (and men telling women what they are) uses motherhood to constrain women in a cruel way. We were never meant to give up ourselves, ignore our instinctual boundaries (e.g getting touched out, no time for self, child centered lives), but we are told it's a natural part of it.

On becoming mothers many women realise they have given up their agency and are understandably unhappy about it and it can feel like a prison sentence. But then we are shamed and told to keep quiet about it (cos you don't really matter any more).

As Susan Jeffers said in her book I'm Okay, You're a Brat, it is in the long term cruel and a bit vindictive NOT to warn your children how difficult being a mother is as you might lay the ground for them being equally trapped and unhappy down the line - not the same as saying you regret them. You frame it as a problem of society and a lack of support, not because of individual children.

I agree with most of this. But this part :

'It's to do with a mother's love for her child and how that is used to trap and silence her into a life of drudgery and caring - a type of silent martyrdom (you must nevert tell anyone, especially your children if you regret becoming a mother) so that men can get on with more interesting things.'

Do you think that the taboo over telling children you regret having them is only because society wants to trap mothers into silent martyrdom and keep women away from interesting things?

I agree about societal sexism, but there ARE valid reasons for children not to be told about maternal (or for that matter paternal) regret.

No child should be told their mother regrets having them.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/03/2026 18:23

SidewaysOtter · 15/03/2026 11:59

A criticism of swearing, a patronising interpretation of something I hadn’t said and a little smirk emoji. That’s me told, isn’t it?

And we can all play “reactions top trumps”:

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My point was, the way you delivered your first response was taken the same way I read it, by others too. Not a top trumps that you seem to have taken it as...how strange.

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:27

Brokenandbewildered · 15/03/2026 11:00

I think I know what the big taboo is about. It's to do with a mother's love for her child and how that is used to trap and silence her into a life of drudgery and caring - a type of silent martyrdom (you must nevert tell anyone, especially your children if you regret becoming a mother) so that men can get on with more interesting things.

Most of us think the nuclear family is the natural way for humans to live, but any evolutionary biologist will tell you that humans engage in alloparenting - shared parenting and that's how our brains are wired. We are certainly not wired for doing it solo or even as a couple. We are also not wired for teenagers living at home because they would have been fending for themselves in our evolutionary history.

The gap between our brains and our culture is where the taboo lies. Our culture (and men telling women what they are) uses motherhood to constrain women in a cruel way. We were never meant to give up ourselves, ignore our instinctual boundaries (e.g getting touched out, no time for self, child centered lives), but we are told it's a natural part of it.

On becoming mothers many women realise they have given up their agency and are understandably unhappy about it and it can feel like a prison sentence. But then we are shamed and told to keep quiet about it (cos you don't really matter any more).

As Susan Jeffers said in her book I'm Okay, You're a Brat, it is in the long term cruel and a bit vindictive NOT to warn your children how difficult being a mother is as you might lay the ground for them being equally trapped and unhappy down the line - not the same as saying you regret them. You frame it as a problem of society and a lack of support, not because of individual children.

Good post. But the idea that teenagers would have been “fending for themselves” isn't fully accurate. In hunter-gatherer societies adolescents usually remained within their family group while gradually taking on adult roles like hunting, gathering, and caring for younger children. Humans actually have an unusually long period of adolescence because learning complex social and survival skills takes time.

mydogisthebest · 15/03/2026 18:29

Autumn38 · 15/03/2026 17:53

OP I don’t think you’ll get many (if any) mothers coming on this forum saying they genuinely regret their children. There are parts of motherhood that are painfully hard work, but I don’t think it’s common if I’m honest and where it happens I should think there is a specific reason that has little to do with motherhood in general and more to do with that woman’s specific circumstances.

I think it is a lot more common than you think. There are plenty of threads on here where quite a lot of women have said they regret their children. There are also quite a few websites and forums for women who regret having children.

Don't forget a lot of women would be reluctant to admit they regret having children because of the response they may well receive. Your comment about it being more about a woman's specific circumstances would be one such response

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:31

LilyYeCarveSuns · 15/03/2026 11:34

You're right, I haven't been clear. I think women who I've called pick-me girls feign a kind of regret at becoming mothers - the one thing you must never do is let on how deeply meaningful it can be. It's a tedious game that imo exists because academic culture always always lifts up the male experience and denigrates the female. And I also think this is bad for women who live with real regret at having had children.
Absolutely don't want to suggest that genuine regret would come from wanting to be not like the other women.

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Ah I see...thank you, I understand. That makes a lot of sense, it's definitely an attitude born from sexism.

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:33

Brokenandbewildered · 15/03/2026 12:32

'I think solidifying a feeling into a fixed condition of 'regret' serves no useful purpose. At times we all look at the particular conditions of our lives and imagine other scenarios and pathways we could have taken.
An imaginal life of open ended or endless possibility only exists in one's creative imagination...at some point we all have to make decisions and commitments, recognising that life is not perfect and never will be. When we choose one thing, we close down other possibilities.'

I understand what you are saying, choices lead to things opening and/ or closing for you, but what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.

The loss of autonomy and freedom is huge. Some people won't admit it to themselves as it's very painful. I also think this is why child free people who say they saw it coming are attacked.

'what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.

The loss of autonomy and freedom is huge.'

  • this seems very dramatic..can you go more into what you mean?
Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:35

Luckyingame · 15/03/2026 14:47

A woman's (mine) body, individuality, freedom, financial freedom, looks, feelings about myself, life in general. Ability to do what I want, when I want. Be whoever I want, if I exaggerate a bit. My fortune allows all this. Children would ruin it.
Again, speaking for myself.
Clarified enough?

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I respect that you decided it wasn't for you, but I think this is a bit much

'body, individuality, freedom, financial freedom, looks, feelings about myself, life in general'- do you think most women with children have none of these things? That seems a bit much.

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:36

Kingdomofsleep · 15/03/2026 15:10

I agree, I felt this quite suddenly after having my first, how everyone depends on several others.

Also, it hit me how much effort goes into making a human being. My body really struggled through pregnancy and birth, I was in real danger at one point when birthing dc1, and after she was born it felt at the time how even more precious she felt to me from how hard it was to make her happen. And then after that, how much work it was to keep her healthy and well, this helpless grub, who couldn't even roll over in bed, for months and months.

A friend of mine sadly had a relatively late MC and was very unwell from that, and afterwards she told me, one time when she was still recovering from it she saw a homeless man in the street and felt suddenly very emotional thinking how his mother laboured to bring him into the world and how that made him (and everyone else) really precious. I actually value my own life more, even, after my experience birthing dc1.

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Very moving post...

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:37

mydogisthebest · 15/03/2026 15:55

Not sure you can deny that children so often destroy a marriage/relationship.

I have quite a lot of childfree friends and family who have long happy marries of between 20 years and 64 years. The majority of my friends with children are divorced, some more than once

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I wonder how much of that is due to men struggling to come to terms with their new role?

Carla786 · 15/03/2026 18:40

MaxandMaggie · 15/03/2026 16:33

Ooh really interesting to see Matrescence research like this discussed again. I remember arguing the odds about a similar study to this a couple of years ago on here.

It makes complete sense to me that the biological driver that primes us to reproduce has also primed the female body and brain to respond to their highly dependent offspring, above all else. Evolution would be a bit shit otherwise.

I think studies like this are vital if we are to ease the burden of motherhood. The feelings of inadequacy, the guilt, the inability to prioritise career goals in the early years, the stress of outsourcing childcare, heck even the stress of handing over your child to its father! Not only normal but entirely natural and appropriate, if this study is to be believed.

Re inability to prioritise career goals in early years- how should that affect how we support mothers in the workplace?

Shortshriftandlethal · 15/03/2026 19:01

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 15/03/2026 16:30

I’m glad this is being discussed; for too long it’s been this completely unsayable thing. I don’t feel like it personally but I have a grandmother who does and a sister who does. Both born 60 years apart in very different societies with different opportunities and concepts of womanhood, but both had children against their better judgement (both now admit that they didn’t want them) hoping for the best and with their fingers crossed. It hasn’t worked out well for either of them.

What would "working out" have looked like, as opposed to what they experienced, I wonder?

What are people imagining is the positive outcome of having children?

Brokenandbewildered · 15/03/2026 19:08

''Do you think that the taboo over telling children you regret having them is only because society wants to trap mothers into silent martyrdom and keep women away from interesting things?"

I don't think it's the same thing to tell children you regret them as telling them how bringing them up was hard because of a lack of support. Telling them you regret them feels abusive to me.

On the other hand, as women I think we should look at who is benefiting from our silence. And why does being a mother have to be made so hard?

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