'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

[IwantToRetire]

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

Can you explain why?

'I think solidifying a feeling into a fixed condition of 'regret' serves no useful purpose. At times we all look at the particular conditions of our lives and imagine other scenarios and pathways we could have taken.
An imaginal life of open ended or endless possibility only exists in one's creative imagination...at some point we all have to make decisions and commitments, recognising that life is not perfect and never will be. When we choose one thing, we close down other possibilities.'

I understand what you are saying, choices lead to things opening and/ or closing for you, but what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.

The loss of autonomy and freedom is huge. Some people won't admit it to themselves as it's very painful. I also think this is why child free people who say they saw it coming are attacked.

'what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.'

Well, thats one way to frame it!

Yes I can, although it won't be fitting for this forum.
I believe that children destroy lives, basically.
Of both women and men.
Without exaggeration, my 20 year long marriage has been mostly problem free and happy.
I don't see that with married couples and kids.

What is it,exactly, you think children destroy?

I think children open you up to the reality that none of us is truly autonomous. We all exist in an inter-connected web of dependencies and relationships. The idea of us as completely separate, autonomous individuals is an illusion - one that is probably found more commonly in 'privileged' western countries in which the pursuit of individual fulfilment is lionised as the ultimate purpose of life.

A woman's (mine) body, individuality, freedom, financial freedom, looks, feelings about myself, life in general. Ability to do what I want, when I want. Be whoever I want, if I exaggerate a bit. My fortune allows all this. Children would ruin it.
Again, speaking for myself.
Clarified enough?

I agree, I felt this quite suddenly after having my first, how everyone depends on several others.

Also, it hit me how much effort goes into making a human being. My body really struggled through pregnancy and birth, I was in real danger at one point when birthing dc1, and after she was born it felt at the time how even more precious she felt to me from how hard it was to make her happen. And then after that, how much work it was to keep her healthy and well, this helpless grub, who couldn't even roll over in bed, for months and months.

A friend of mine sadly had a relatively late MC and was very unwell from that, and afterwards she told me, one time when she was still recovering from it she saw a homeless man in the street and felt suddenly very emotional thinking how his mother laboured to bring him into the world and how that made him (and everyone else) really precious. I actually value my own life more, even, after my experience birthing dc1.

'' I think children open you up to the reality that none of us is truly autonomous. We all exist in an inter-connected web of dependencies and relationships. The idea of us as completely separate, autonomous individuals is an illusion - one that is probably found more commonly in 'privileged' western countries in which the pursuit of individual fulfilment is lionised as the ultimate purpose of life.''

I agree that we are all interconnected, but that doesn't stop individual women from feeling dissatisfaction and bodily sensations of distress at feeling trapped in the rollercoaster of motherhood. Or am I missing something and misunderstanding you?

Have been following with interest. It feels like there is so much here. I’m very much ‘in the trenches’ in that I have a 3 year old and a baby. If you asked me what I’d really like to do for Mother’s Day today the answer would be ‘have a day to myself’ but that doesn’t really feel in the spirit.

I agree with those talking about guilt, the constant fear of something happening to them or getting it wrong, the judgment from others whatever you do and the sheer relentlessness of it all. At times it is utterly overwhelming.

I wouldn’t describe myself as having regrets about becoming a mother. I have found it much harder second time than first. I often think of my old life and miss things about it, I miss the sleep, being able to get up and decide what to do with my day without thinking of anyone else, being able to have evenings out, my body being mine and not
having small people all over me all day. Generally the good bits outweigh those feelings which is why I wouldn’t say I regret it. But it’s an absolute slog sometimes (a lot of the time actually) and I can completely see why some women would regret it.

For me personally if I didn’t have children I think I would’ve felt regret about that, so I think the wistful memories of my old carefree life are just that - missing an easier time when things feel difficult now.

We can feel conflicting feelings about all sorts of situations in life. Feelings are various and they come and go. One minute we feel one thing, and the next day something else entirely.

The idea of 'happiness' as a fixed state of feeling good bears no relation to reality. Nobody is ever without feelings of conflict or ambiguity in some area of their life.

Of course you can sometimes feel trapped by the responsibilities of motherhood, but then you can also feel trapped by your relationship, or by your job, or by your financial circumstances, and so on. Usually when the going gets tough in any situation we can feel trapped by it. This is inevitable and is part of the human experience.

I don't mean to sound trite, but it is true. When we change our perspective, our view of a situation, and our feelings, usually change too

I am in my 70's. I have lived in quite a few places in the UK and abroad and, as such, have met many many people. I have lost count of just how many women (and men) have told me that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

This is not just women with young children it is women with grown children, some with grandchildren, some even with great grandchildren.

I think the number of women who regret it is far higher then people realise

Not sure you can deny that children so often destroy a marriage/relationship.

I have quite a lot of childfree friends and family who have long happy marries of between 20 years and 64 years. The majority of my friends with children are divorced, some more than once

It may not feel like it, but it will pass. In those early days it really does overwhelm. My god, it does. Those endless days. And then it very very slowly gets a little bit less intense, all the time.

And suddenly they are nearly grown and the challenges are different ones, and the feelings of being stuck are transmuted into a different thing altogether.

And it feels like those endless days were a blink of an eye and you miss how tiny they were.

It all sounds a bit cliched, but that's probably because its a truism.

I do think its a shame there often isnt the time and space in the early years to really enjoy them.

Correlation is not causation.

''We can feel conflicting feelings about all sorts of situations in life. Feelings are various and they come and go. One minute we feel one thing, and the next day something else entirely.
The idea of 'happiness' as a fixed state of feeling good bears no relation to reality. Nobody is ever without feelings of conflict or ambiguity in some area of their life.
Of course you can sometimes feel trapped by the responsibilities of motherhood, but then you can also feel trapped by your relationship, or by your job, or by your financial circumstances, and so on. Usually when the going gets tough in any situation we can feel trapped by it. This is inevitable and is part of the human experience.
I don't mean to sound trite, but it is true. When we change our perspective, our view of a situation, and our feelings, usually change too.''

Yes, sure, that's true we can feel conflicted about all sorts of situations, but we are also free to walk away if it's unpleasant or personally damaging to us. Not the case with motherhood. At least one mother in the article OP posted said the feeling never goes away and I can see why.

What I'm trying to get at is what is it specifically ( within a person) that you think having children destroys?

Birthing a bay can destroy your pelvic floor, cause life changing injuries, that is absolutely true.

I could imagine that having a child with a serious disability or LD who can never live independently would push you to the brink as well.

I wouldn’t say that’s a universal experience though - many people have regrets, but to say your life has been “destroyed” by having children is quite different.

I’m glad this is being discussed; for too long it’s been this completely unsayable thing. I don’t feel like it personally but I have a grandmother who does and a sister who does. Both born 60 years apart in very different societies with different opportunities and concepts of womanhood, but both had children against their better judgement (both now admit that they didn’t want them) hoping for the best and with their fingers crossed. It hasn’t worked out well for either of them.

Ooh really interesting to see Matrescence research like this discussed again. I remember arguing the odds about a similar study to this a couple of years ago on here.

It makes complete sense to me that the biological driver that primes us to reproduce has also primed the female body and brain to respond to their highly dependent offspring, above all else. Evolution would be a bit shit otherwise.

I think studies like this are vital if we are to ease the burden of motherhood. The feelings of inadequacy, the guilt, the inability to prioritise career goals in the early years, the stress of outsourcing childcare, heck even the stress of handing over your child to its father! Not only normal but entirely natural and appropriate, if this study is to be believed.

I will want family around me as I enter my autumnal years (I’m probably already in them!)

I’m sorry but this is a very silly and unwise reason to commit to having children. You’re expecting them to want to hang around you when you’re elderly when they’ll likely have their own busy lives. I live far away from my parents and I experience a lot of bitterness from them because I apparently don’t visit enough. My sister doesn’t even live in the same country. Don’t expect their lives to revolve around you. This isn’t a good reason to have kids, only have them if you genuinely believe you’ll enjoy parenthood.

But surely having a “childfree” board would be better then as they’re less likely to be on other unrelated threads, which you clearly have a problem with them being on?

I'm not even going to try to express why this resonated so deeply with me, even though I'm childless by choice, never entertained the possibility of motherhood for one nanosecond...

But the uniqueness, the power, the responsibility, the dependence - I see all that from a distance, and I know about the joys and pleasures, and the worries and
fears for your defenceless, dependent 'little grubs' .

I see it, and I would never want to do anything to undermine a woman who is undertaking that unique journey that I didn't undertake.

Is that a roundabout Mothers' Day greeting? If you want it to be, and if you can take it in the spirit it is intended, it is💐.

And Kingdomofsleep the story of your friend brought tears to my eyes, remembering my mother saying the same thing to us when we were kids if we saw a 'down and out' in a doorway 'Remember - he was once a baby and his mother loved him' - which has remained with me all my life.

'children destroy lives'

Holy sweeping statement.

Sometimes some parts of having children can be very difficult. Sometimes its fantastic.

It depends on lots of things! And it changes.

It does seem some people are defensive about their own choices and/or situations. Is it not possible to accede that its complicated and nuanced for almost everyone?

Why are people SO PRESSED about this ONE childfree woman’s comment? If you don’t think it’s helpful just scroll to the next comment.