'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

[IwantToRetire]

I'm not going to post any extracts from the article as better to read the whole content.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

Absolutely! I've had three children and now two grandchildren, and in spite of sometimes very difficult circumstances I've still always done what I felt wanted to do ( within the boundaries of reality). It is just that my conception of myself and what I have wanted from life changed when I became a mother. That's not to say there have not been moments of pain or even despair but the self concept enlarges and becomes more expansive in some ways...and the joys and successes of your children also become yours. It is no longer just about you, and in certain ways you continue to live for the sake of others and for the joy and pleasure of seeing what they become.

"what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.
The loss of autonomy and freedom is huge.'

this seems very dramatic..can you go more into what you mean?"

Ha ha, I agree I sound very dramatic. What I mean is that freedom and personal liberty is in a way, everything. This gets lost in motherhood.

Some people are fine with that and probably wouldn't even recognise it.

It's funny, a guy decides that parenthood isn't for him and walks away, maybe tutted at, moral judgement, maybe from some, but ultimately accepted but a mother decides its not for her is absolutely judged, even other women are unable to see the other side of the coin. For a small few number of mothers, the regret eats into their lives. They may try to hide it, because its not understood or 'diagnosed' as PND/ depression. It's the one decision in life that can't be rectified if you make the wrong one.

Mothers lose all 'freedom and personal liberty'?

I still think that's a bit much. And surely they regain freedom by degrees? A woman with adult children should still have freedom and personal liberty.

I feel what’s missing these days is that something can be really hard but that doesn’t always mean it’s a trauma (though it can be for some). I find being a mum really hard, and some days I completely unravel- but my children give me so much joy and purpose. At first I was so sad about giving up my easy life before but then I started to see how much came from this really tough job of bringing a mum - seeing how your children develop, your own empathy increase, and how resilient you can become. That’s not everyone’s experience I appreciate but just how I feel. I agree with the many posts that touch on the impact from the spiralling cost of living and structural inequality that means men rarely contribute what women do.

Nobody has unfettered freedom and liberty, though? There are degrees of it and degrees of loss. Laws, social conventions, gravity, any relationships - all impinge on or affect personal freedom.

"...freedom and personal liberty is in a way, everything."

Everyone on earth experiences seasons of life or periods of time where personal freedom and liberty are restricted. You were a baby and a child once, you'll be perhaps be very old one day. Accident, injury, illness, war, crisis and so on. The idea that autonomy is "everything" (not sure what you mean by this exactly) is mythic. Motherhood is just a more confronting version of the absolute fact of human co-dependence.

The largest difference I've personally felt becoming a Mum is that I no longer experience doubt or questions about "the point of it all." It's clear now that I have a responsibility that is more important than the, basically, vanity projects I was concerned with before. It's hard work, but the joy and the love and the purpose has really taken me by surprise.

But if you reframe it as motherhood lessening personal freedom - it does in some ways. It can also offer greater liberation in other ways.

Any fear of death I once had, for example, has been transformed into concern for how my death would affect my children. That could be seen both a loss of personal autonony and a freedom of sorts.

Yes, very well put. So many experiences have deepened and been lent more resonance. I've undoubtedly taken part in and undergone many difficult, testing, challenging experiences as a mother. The word that comes to mind is how it has enlarged and deepened my life. To suggest that because some things (mostly temporarily) become logistically more difficult means an absolute loss of freedom is a curious way to look at the experience imo.

One can call motherhood 'a trap one can't escape', but so are many things including life itself, if you want to frame it that way. The stories we tell ourselves affect how we feel.

The "loss of freedom" argument only holds true, logically, if all the new activities you can now do as a mother are unwanted and all the things you can no longer do are still wanted.

For example. I really enjoy cupping my dc's chubby cheeks and saying BLUB BLUB in their faces. If I was no longer a mother (for some hypothetical non tragic reason) I'd lose the "freedom" to choose to do that, and many other things, like blowing dandelion clocks, or giving piggy backs, or singing the ABC song as slowly as possible. And when I do travel I can introduce my DCs to new food they've never tried before, and it's like trying it for the first time again myself. I can point out a cicada and we're all delighted to learn it's DH's first time spotting one too. And that's without all the more serious stuff like I touched on earlier, proper metamorphosis type feelings and experiences.

It's true that it's quite a bit harder to go solo travelling, or get wasted on a bender, or play an 8h Skyrim marathon. But I've only "lost freedom" if I would actually prefer to do those things, and at this point in time, I'm not sure I do.

You could argue, logically, that a child free woman doesn't have "the freedom" to do many of the things in that first list. I do miss the things in the second list a bit but I was just as constrained before in the opposite direction, not being able to do the first list. It took me almost two years to conceive dc1 and I felt that "lack of freedom to do what I wanted" more than I do now.

Exactly. And having children, especially if you're having 1-2 (which is common now), shouldn't mean the possibility of travel, evenings out etc is fully closed off for years & years.

So true. It's actually not that long before you can start to do what you like a bit.

Actually it's having to work that curtails my freedom way more than my DC these days! But that's a topic for another thread!

But what about the muns that cannot find a way to square the circle and make their peace with the losses and the gains? What if it isn’t just a phase and they cannot really walk away?

Maybe, but my Mother told me if she had a choice she wouldn't have kids again . I survived it and it helped in my understanding that it's not all roses.

Oh god I wanted and then completely regretted mine for the first two years, he was absolute hell. I remember lying down in a soft play area completely exhausted as it was somewhere he could play safely without me having to watch for 5 minutes.

DS knows he was a difficult baby but that he was a wonderful preschooler and an adored child and teen. I'd never say to him that I regretted him. Kids take a lot of time and effort, they completely up end your life, I'm not at all surprised there are people who regret having them.

What do you mean, not a phase? Childhood is a phase.

I mean mothers need support and help and understanding and someone to listen, and the fabled village and feminist awareness and time and so on. Especially when children are tiny or have additional needs or if they are single mothers or have other caring obligations or needs or are in poverty etc.

But childhood is a phase and it changes and it passes. In retrospect, quite quickly, although it doesnt feel that way at the time.

one thing that puzzles me why do some people presume parenting is like the book version ?

"Exactly. And having children, especially if you're having 1-2 (which is common now), shouldn't mean the possibility of travel, evenings out etc is fully closed off for years & years."
Show quote history

"So true. It's actually not that long before you can start to do what you like a bit."

While evenings/days out might still be possible, when you can do these things is pretty constrained for most mothers. To me, this doesn't equal freedom. Freedom is doing what you want and being able to change your circumstances if they don't suit.

I'm 19 years in and still feel constrained, but maybe I was born under a wandering star...

There is also the issue of feeling stifled by family life. I know that not everyone feels this.

' Freedom is doing what you want and being able to change your circumstances if they don't suit.

I'm 19 years in and still feel constrained'

But we all have many constraints, in life. And we can't always change them. I'm constrained by my children, my health, finances, geopolitics, UK law, my beliefs, geography, ability, etc. This is the nature of being alive.

Is there something specific you feel unable to do because of children?

i think there is a difference between having a wobble and thinking ‘goodness this toddler phase is so hard I’m questioning if I should have even had children in the first place’ and a sustained lifelong feeling of regret at the existence of your children. The best you get on any forum is a snapshot. They might write about their newborn non-sleeper or terrible two year old with what sounds like real regret. What you don’t see is that a few years later that child is in school, the mum is getting to go out and live life a bit more and suddenly motherhood feels way more joyful.

plus I really think a lot of it is circumstantial. I am happily married with a hands on partner. I have two children who are for the most part a total joy. We have enough money to be able to live, buy in help when we need it, we have a village, we go on holiday. So circumstantially we are in the best position for me to be able to enjoy motherhood. Some people have a hugely different experience because their circumstances are different. It’s not the children or motherhood per se.

I agree re circumstances. I think personally my motherhood opinions are affected by my own mother having a pretty easy experience with me in the early years : she didn't have a partner but we lived with my grandmother, who was happy to pitch in quite a lot, I was a quiet baby and as a small child my mother could let me play with soft toys, or later on, read, nearby, while she had some time to herself. Whereas many other children will have difficulty sleeping, will want to entertain themselves in noisier ways etc and that can't be controlled or predicted so much as rolled with, often.

In what areas would you say you feel most constrained/stifled in?

Also, if your kids are 19 or so, surely they won't be super constraining for much longer?

Is there something specific you feel unable to do because of children?

Yes, many things because I'm on call 24/7. The most specific thing that is hard to do is relax. I'm a single mother and both my children are very challenging and don't get on. My peace is severely compromised.