URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

[ConcernedmumofTIF]

I just typed out a whole long post and it disappeared! I'll start again.

I did post about my daughter a few weeks ago under a different name. I am a long term user but name changed for this for anonymity.

TLDR: my daughter is autistic with health issues and mental health issues and has expressed to college she wants to be called a male name. She has told me she wants hormones and double mastectomy. College is socially transitioning her and are using the male name in her official EHCP review documents. I asked them not to but they are ignoring me. What do I do next? I have to reply TODAY as they break up for Christmas this afternoon. Should I raise a saeguarding concern or should I wait and see what happens with the finalised document? (And does anyone know if I can appeal it if they include this other name in it?)

Longer story: she first expressed a non binary identity 2-3 years ago and we talked amicably about it, she knows I am gender critical and I explained why I hold my views, and why I wouldn't use the male name. She seemed OK with this and we have a very close relationship as I am also her carer and she wants me to handle lots of things for her - we talk a lot and spend time together daily doing cetain things she likes as a daily ritual.

Since then, she has obviously become more radicalised (evident in the way she talks about trans although interestingly she was unaware of the Tavistock, or Cass Review, or much of the key stuff) and has said she now identifies as a man, but also as a lesbian (but in a queer way, apparently) and wants hormones and a double mastectomy.

I am deeply concerned that college socially transitioning her is legitimising these desires and also isolating her from us as her family by being all "we will support you when your parents won't".

I have the Bayswater Group guide on safeguarding and have also put my daughter on the waiting list with a therapist who understands the dangers of all of this but they can't see her until March.

I just don't know what to do. I feel sick seeing this other name on offical documents and knowing the damage that is doing. My daughter is vulnerable - autistic, disabled with mental health issues and I think also OCD which I am about to contact the GP about as it's only recently I have realised that some of her rituals are more likely OCD than autistic. I feel college have a duty of care not to just socially transtition her.

Please help me work out a good course of action.

This is the college safeguarding policy https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

I've also looked at other relevant policies and nothing specifically covers social transition though there is mention of not tolerating "transphobia".

Yes, having been in a similar situation I would definitely raise a safeguarding concern and also make a formal complaint ASAP. They are teachers, how dare they think they know her better than you do! Good luck, I know it’s an awful situation to be in.

Transgender Trend, Safe Schools Alliance and James Esses may all have resources on their websites that you can use to push back against this with the school.

You're not behaving sensibly. I know this board doesn't like listening to practical advice but it sounds like they're already aware that you don't agree with them and have taken steps to do this without you but have, so far, wanted to keep you in their life. I do not know if your child is trans, I do know that they believe they are and that forcing their beliefs to align with yours will not work in the way these delusional helicopter parents think they do.

So your child is 16/18 years old? I think your starting point needs to be understanding, open communication with active listening and no lecturing, just understanding of her emotional experiences.

Then discussing what internally feels so off for her that it is creating gender dysphoria for her.

Her name, her pronouns, none of the little stuff should be the hill your relationship dies on. Just develop your relationship in a non enmeshed codependent way i.e. she gets to exert age appropriate control over her own experiences, thoughts and feelings without having to defend them and see what happens.

Curiosity not warfare basically.

How old is she OP?
It sounds at face value that there are activist adults at the College with zero insight into the needs and safety of such vulnerable children. If I've remembered correctly, wasn't there an adult overstepping professional boundaries who you had to tackle. I know they're closing today but I'd take a deep breath and wait before challenging them today. Anything you write won't be dealt with until the new year anyway

And please ignore the hostile comment upthread. Parents and responsible adults will completely understand the dilemma and no parent should ever be slated for wishing to safeguard their vulnerable child - especially on a parenting site.

Clear off. How dare you speak to this mother this way. And no, she is not speaking about her son. This is her daughter. And this thread is her mother’s not hers anyway. She herself is not on it. There is absolutely no excuse for false pronouns, sanctimoniously and erroneously peppering any discourse here.

A highly vulnerable, autistic and mentally fragile young lady is about to be processe through a dangerous pathway by ignorant, virtue-signalling college officials, before she has had the chance to seek psychological guidance, in a way that will cause her irrevocable mental and physical harm.

Spoken from your crystal ball of ignorance and baseless assumptions.

You mean like your post talking to a mother about her child, who you've never met, as though you know her better than her own mother you mean?

She is 16. She's a child, and a vulnerable one at that.

This!

So who does she fancy? If she's a 'man' who likes women then she's straight. If she's a lesbian then she has to be female. She sounds very confused.

I hope you'll both be ok, whatever happens.

Sending a massive hug OP. This is the scenario that keeps me awake at night. My daughter isn't at college yet (next academic year) and she remains at risk of this. The every day fear I feel is what drives me on.

The EHCP system is fucked. It should have everything it needs within it to give children with autism-related puberty distress the interventions that they need but instead it's turned safeguarding on its head.

Good advice above not to send anything today (as it won't get looked at) and also to ignore the unhelpful posts.

Despite how fucked it is, there is a path that can be trodden once you're in the EHCP system.

It starts with getting in independent EP report. Obviously the EP needs to be chosen carefully, as everything will hinge on this. Then it signposts out to SALT (for cognitive processing of language e.g. what is a girl? What do sex-based stereotypes mean?) and OT (for a grounding and understanding of the body, including the changes that happen in puberty).

I can add more thoughts on this but for now, sending another hug. What a shit and scary situation xxxx

I say, touche. What a riposte!

OP I read this the other week and wondered if this person’s experience as a parent might help you in any way.
The Girl In The Tinkerbell Dress
Pushing back against the gender clinic saved our daughter
JUN 12, 2025
www.pittparents.com/p/the-girl-in-the-tinkerbell-dress

Within it is a particularly useful link to Genspects
Gender Dysphoria Support Tool
Family and Friends Survey & Parental
https://genspect.org/resources/gender-dysphoria-support-tool/

This is a link to Thoughtful Therapists who are not steeped in transgender ideology or capitulation to those who are.
https://www.thoughtfultherapists.org/

This comment highlights the dilemmas parents face. Activists displaying zero knowledge of safeguarding, child / adolescent development, parenting and social contagion, berating a parent for asking for help.

Mumsnet is a parenting site "By parents, for parents" . Yet you've waded in hurling around accusations that the OP is transphobic with negative comments about her parenting.

Please do better.

So sorry to hear you're in this situation OP. Just wanted to send support. I don't have much practical information as I'm in Ireland but Genspect is another resource that might be useful.

Ignore the unhelpful and frankly abusive messages you're receiving from some posters.

I did hear an interview with Helen Joyce in which she said the way one parent was able to stop their child going down the binders route (which was the first step the girl was about to take) was that the parent managed to convey that she had her's child's best interests at heart, more so than any institution or random activist.

Wishing you and your family all the best xxxx

Go away, please.
This is all meaningless.
The child has not and will not stop ‘existing’.

Exactly, it's a disgrace.

It's all about scoring points eh?

Driving a wedge between children and families appears to be baked into transactivism. Hence the abuse and lack of insight / care when worried parents speak out.

I do hope the OP hasn't felt driven off her thread

They don't speak out with care, just with set driven agenda. There is not an inch of consideration for what he wants here, just "nope, it's the world, he does not want it, ever, despite saying so for years".

You just struggle with something that's even tinies pushback against the status quo that trans doesn't exist and is entirely made up social contagion, or whatever is the theory of the week.

Young people take control of their own ehc at 16 and the staff at the LA will put whatever she tells them on the forms tbh. They will not defer to you.

I suspect that college will do the same.

We can't stop our yp making really bad decisions and sometimes fighting them makes them want to dig their heels in deeper. You are in a very difficult situation but I am afraid that you may have to let the college/LA stuff go.

I know.
These people show their true colours- complete lack of genuine compassion or understanding of the complexities of the issue. Intolerance of other people's views and insulting and abusive to boot. And obviously completely oblivious to/unbothered about the harm they are causing young people and families.