URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

[ConcernedmumofTIF]

I just typed out a whole long post and it disappeared! I'll start again.

I did post about my daughter a few weeks ago under a different name. I am a long term user but name changed for this for anonymity.

TLDR: my daughter is autistic with health issues and mental health issues and has expressed to college she wants to be called a male name. She has told me she wants hormones and double mastectomy. College is socially transitioning her and are using the male name in her official EHCP review documents. I asked them not to but they are ignoring me. What do I do next? I have to reply TODAY as they break up for Christmas this afternoon. Should I raise a saeguarding concern or should I wait and see what happens with the finalised document? (And does anyone know if I can appeal it if they include this other name in it?)

Longer story: she first expressed a non binary identity 2-3 years ago and we talked amicably about it, she knows I am gender critical and I explained why I hold my views, and why I wouldn't use the male name. She seemed OK with this and we have a very close relationship as I am also her carer and she wants me to handle lots of things for her - we talk a lot and spend time together daily doing cetain things she likes as a daily ritual.

Since then, she has obviously become more radicalised (evident in the way she talks about trans although interestingly she was unaware of the Tavistock, or Cass Review, or much of the key stuff) and has said she now identifies as a man, but also as a lesbian (but in a queer way, apparently) and wants hormones and a double mastectomy.

I am deeply concerned that college socially transitioning her is legitimising these desires and also isolating her from us as her family by being all "we will support you when your parents won't".

I have the Bayswater Group guide on safeguarding and have also put my daughter on the waiting list with a therapist who understands the dangers of all of this but they can't see her until March.

I just don't know what to do. I feel sick seeing this other name on offical documents and knowing the damage that is doing. My daughter is vulnerable - autistic, disabled with mental health issues and I think also OCD which I am about to contact the GP about as it's only recently I have realised that some of her rituals are more likely OCD than autistic. I feel college have a duty of care not to just socially transtition her.

Please help me work out a good course of action.

This is the college safeguarding policy https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

I've also looked at other relevant policies and nothing specifically covers social transition though there is mention of not tolerating "transphobia".

All of the posts supporting the OP are making very valid points on the Gender Critical activist perspective but from direct experience with a 13 year old going through a very similar experience to the OP’s child it is not the parenting lens.

If you have a child with gender dysphoria then for whatever reason be it ND or trauma or something they are deeply disconnected. The answer for a parent dealing with this is connection, connection greater than a cause offers them.

Battling the child’s thinking or a school that from the child’s perspective and current mindset is supportive of them is not the answer. Connection is the answer from my experience.

I have nothing useful to say at all unfortunately, except that I can see that the OP is very distressed and is asking for support and I hope she gets it.

She obviously loves her daughter and wants to protect her from life-changing, irreversible procedures, which sounds like a parenting no-brainer.

Maybe there is a balance to be struck on the basis of seriousness e.g. name/pronouns etc is reversible, double mastectomy is not, and the OP could work out priorities but I don't know what would be the right thing.

I'm responding to her distress, and her love for her child, and sending her best wishes for strength and wisdom and a good outcome for both.

edited to make a bit more sense!

You are mostly speaking for yourself.

Being a parent requires a multi faceted approach I think. Connecting is critical as you say, alongside working out what must be "absolute" boundaries, what can be negotiated, how to maintain your love and connection while holding firm about some things

In every post I've seen on here from desperate parents, the consensus seems to be to keep talking, loving and hold them close (while allowing age appropriate separation) and to be very sceptical of activist adults / online influencers.

What is so toxic in all this is the presence of so many bad faith actors determined that children must be transitioned, no matter how vulnerable / unwell they are.

I couldn’t agree more. But I don’t think going after the college will achieve anything. I am a university lecturer. If you think this stuff is bad in college level, university is a whole other level.

As a parent at the absolute coal face of these issues you will not be able to successfully change the environment within the confines of your child’s time there, changing the context, that is for gender critical activism, you can only work directly with your child.

My point is that the issues with the child are far more pressing to deal with as a parent than the issues with the broader context.

SHE.

I'm her carer and she specifically asks me to handle everything for her, I deal with college correspondence, I handle her PIP money, I take to people on her behalf. She can't cook or make a GP appointment for herself, I've tried supporting her to do things but she wants me to do them. This is not an average teenager.

Would you be willing to share your experience with me? How is your child now?

At her age I think the college may be in a very difficult position if it refuses to use the new name - just as it would be if she asked them to use another female name because she disliked her birth name. They would effectively be saying she lacks capacity to make a decision about her name, and this might open up a huge can of worms for them & make teaching her very difficult.

So I don’t think you will get anywhere with the battle to stop the use of the new name- terrible though it is that a vulnerable young person should be encouraged down this self-destructive path. That’s not to say though that you should not set out very clearly to the college why going down this route is likely to cause her huge damage, and how vulnerable she is. They should not be able to kid themselves that they’re doing the right thing by using the new name.

My daughter and a group of friends all decided they were trans just after lockdowns. There is ND in the family and she has traits but also there was significant trauma going on from serious criminal behaviour in the wider family that meant we had to go NC with people she loved.

We had 3 ish years of GD. Like you at the time I was GC but I realised quickly that was very alienating for my daughter so I set that to one side and we worked together on what she was feeling and addressing her issues she was experiencing together.

We focussed on developing her as a person, her hobbies, her interests, her personal relationships, her connection with us as her parents. Anything that gave her a deeper sense of her strengths and who she was as a person and her purpose we built on.

She slowly dropped her trans name, her pronouns etc and now if we speak about it for her it is all in the past. This is the same for all bar one of the very large group, a person who early on in the experience DD almost idolised as a person.

DD is actually surprisingly very girlie girl now and she is a very self assured, popular young woman of similar age to your daughter.

She is also straight whereas she had a girl friend when she was trans. Honestly though that wouldn’t remotely bother us because our only concern with trans at all is that for ever more you would have to live with the painful cognitive dissonance of being one thing and believing you are something else which is going to deeply damage anyone’s psyche longer term.

Hi OP you have parental responsibility till the age of 18 in England. They do not

And EHCPS can be extended to age 25

To our surprise (my DH and me), our college did not change our daughter's name at 16 when she asked at the beginning of the school year. They still require parental consent. We had a scary meeting with three of her teachers, but they understood our concerns and our idea of keeping options open.
We're working on our connection with her and on experiences that make her self esteem grow and widen her horizons. It's a hard road and it takes time (we're in it since three years).
Try not to panic, if she relies so much on you for her medical appointments, it's unlikely she will take immediate medical steps. A big hug!

If it helps, I do know of two parents who specifically wrote things into the ehcp to protect them from over zealous staff.

I agree. And this :
"We focussed on developing her as a person, her hobbies, her interests, her personal relationships, her connection with us as her parents. Anything that gave her a deeper sense of her strengths and who she was as a person and her purpose we built on" is critical.

This ideology turns the young in on themselves promoting an unhealthy obsession about superficial looks, language and "identity" and how others perceive them. Often before their character / personality are fully developed. And many young people have yet to fully develop the insight, awareness and critical thinking that's vital in defending themselves against age inappropriate beliefs about sex change.

Can you tell her that you will change if she changes and that she has to call you dad? Autistic people hate changes and maybe she will see how absurd it is because she wouldn't want you to change.

Also, tell her that it's very limiting to consider herself as man/female and that she would be freer defining herself as a human being free to love any other human being regardless of their sex.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/68add931969253904d155860/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_from_1_September_2025.pdf

They are breaking the safeguarding statutory guidelines

point 205, 206 and 207 in particular

basically you’ll be forced to take legal action for failing to do their legal safeguarding duty

Find the right school policy for complaints and follow the school’s complaint processes to a T.

However I’d also point out to them that as they’re breaking KCSiE 2025 you may find you need to give Ofsted a call

However, the Cass review identified that caution is necessary for children
questioning their gender as there remain many unknowns about the impact of
social transition and children may well have wider vulnerabilities, including having
complex mental health and psychosocial needs, and in some cases additional
diagnoses of autism and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

206. It recommended that when families/carers are making decisions about support for gender questioning children, they should be encouraged to seek clinical help and advice. When parents are supporting pre-pubertal children, clinical services should ensure that they can be seen as early as possible by a clinical professional with relevant experience.

As such, when supporting a gender questioning child, schools should take a
cautious approach and consider the broad range of their individual needs, in
partnership with the child’s parents (other than in the exceptionally rare
circumstances where involving parents would constitute a significant risk of harm to
the child), including any clinical advice that is available and how to address wider
vulnerabilities such as the risk of bullying.

It hasn’t c and p well, that’s just from kcsie

Repeating, this is STATUTORY

when supporting a gender questioning child, schools should take a
cautious approach and consider the broad range of their individual needs, in
partnership with the child’s parents

I love hearing that, genuinely. Setting aside your views, offering love and support to your kid and their friends as they try things out and figure out who they are. That also means when they found out that they are not trans, or lesbian, it's a non issue to consider experiment as conclusive and move on from there.

It's normal development, for children and adults. And yep, very few people are actually trans, way under 1%, and TONS of children/young people experiment in similar fashion, the difference is that because you care more about the kid than the anti-trans views, they were open with you through all of it. It's great.

And I'll tell you another thing that may shock you, being trans is not a blessing. I would not wish it on an enemy. But it's also not a choice, and when you find out that you are trans, support, medical and social, goes a long way to help through it. But that's also why it's important to let kids experiment, and if they are trans, offer the help they need to reduce the hurt as much as possible, especially as some of it is irreversible - like some changes going through the wrong puberty.

And by luck we live in an era where it's all available medically, and is done safely and with strict oversight.

Long list of resources from transgender trend. I’m looking for a document they had on girls and autism written by an autistic academic

https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-further-resources/

You sound like a great mum.

I understand, I really do. I am carer for my daughter (mld, asd). She is 27 now. It was a shock to discover how services were prepared to overlook me! But that's how it works as they navigate into college, adult services etc. I have another daughter who is asd and had an ehc plan. She left school at 16 when I very much wanted her to stay on. It is hard to see them making choices we don't like. But when push comes to shove, services listen to yp, not parents.

The child isn't pre-pubertal and is at college. I am as gender critical as they come, but at 16, it's not that easy.

Kcsie extends to 18 in education, as does parental responsibility

this was the basis of why Stephen Flaherty complained when a college was doing exactly the same. And lawyers were happy to take on his case for wrongful dismissal for informing the mother that they had socially transitioned her daughter.

the point is that they haven’t consultated with this girl’s mother

the child is autistic so vulnerable

Cass states that transition is not a neutral act

the college have taken it upon themselves to start transitioning the child without any medical advice nor working with the parent