URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

[ConcernedmumofTIF]

I just typed out a whole long post and it disappeared! I'll start again.

I did post about my daughter a few weeks ago under a different name. I am a long term user but name changed for this for anonymity.

TLDR: my daughter is autistic with health issues and mental health issues and has expressed to college she wants to be called a male name. She has told me she wants hormones and double mastectomy. College is socially transitioning her and are using the male name in her official EHCP review documents. I asked them not to but they are ignoring me. What do I do next? I have to reply TODAY as they break up for Christmas this afternoon. Should I raise a saeguarding concern or should I wait and see what happens with the finalised document? (And does anyone know if I can appeal it if they include this other name in it?)

Longer story: she first expressed a non binary identity 2-3 years ago and we talked amicably about it, she knows I am gender critical and I explained why I hold my views, and why I wouldn't use the male name. She seemed OK with this and we have a very close relationship as I am also her carer and she wants me to handle lots of things for her - we talk a lot and spend time together daily doing cetain things she likes as a daily ritual.

Since then, she has obviously become more radicalised (evident in the way she talks about trans although interestingly she was unaware of the Tavistock, or Cass Review, or much of the key stuff) and has said she now identifies as a man, but also as a lesbian (but in a queer way, apparently) and wants hormones and a double mastectomy.

I am deeply concerned that college socially transitioning her is legitimising these desires and also isolating her from us as her family by being all "we will support you when your parents won't".

I have the Bayswater Group guide on safeguarding and have also put my daughter on the waiting list with a therapist who understands the dangers of all of this but they can't see her until March.

I just don't know what to do. I feel sick seeing this other name on offical documents and knowing the damage that is doing. My daughter is vulnerable - autistic, disabled with mental health issues and I think also OCD which I am about to contact the GP about as it's only recently I have realised that some of her rituals are more likely OCD than autistic. I feel college have a duty of care not to just socially transtition her.

Please help me work out a good course of action.

This is the college safeguarding policy https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

I've also looked at other relevant policies and nothing specifically covers social transition though there is mention of not tolerating "transphobia".

Colleges must follow kcsie

Meant to add this

Apologies I gave a link to his crowd funder and forgot we can’t do that!

@WarriorN thanks so much, I'm read through all that properly later. It's very helpful.

I am also aware of a 6th form college that socially transitions students aged 16-18 without parents' permission, including if requested by the student in the face of strong parental opposition. When parents disagree, the college just lies- when staff eg take a phone call from the parents and they give their child's name, the computer screen flashes up a large warning box to refer to the child by their birth name/ sex (their photo/ gender name is on the main screen) to the parents even though they aren't known by the birth name/ sex in college- the idea is the parents would never find out directly until it's too late for them to do anything about it.

It is very difficult for staff who disagree with the policy as they are unable to complain if they want to keep their jobs. The Welfare lead is strong enough however to ensure no one is allowed to use opposite sex toilets/ changing rooms- which takes a lot of courage in the hostile environment there. There are a few single use facilities around the site.

So @ConcernedmumofTIF there will be other parents in the same boat as you- maybe contact Bayswater support group and Transgender Trend for advice?

To be honest I suspect this may be one of the areas of the law that may need to be tested due to the “over 16” aspect

on paper the college MUST follow kcsie

and kcsie says the school should (a statutory should) involve parents

this is exactly the situation Stephen Flaherty was in, but he was a member of staff who went through internal processes to highlight the college should have told the teen’s mother. They didn’t agree (despite kcsie) so he told the mother. The college fired him. His tribunal is about his wrongful dismissal for this

What are you talking about? People who are trans ARE trans. People who are considering they might be trans might end up being trans, or they might not. Being trans is just being trans. So if the kid ‘believes’ they are trans they ARE trans. It’s the ultimate self identification. It isn’t some magical thing you you believe and then later find out it was “true”. You wish you were the opposite gender, like the stereotypical stuff assigned to that gender, dislike yourself and/or don’t feel like you fit in - usually because you’re neurodivergent and feel like you don’t fit in - and you want to escape from the uncomfortable, awkward, misfit version of you that is reality, so you find a way to adopt another personality and name to try to change your life. And these people who are supporting this are encouraging a vulnerable child to run away from who they are rather than go to therapy to learn to love who they are.

if a college was supporting a child to become religious, and not listening to the mother’s concerns - not caring that some kids can get religion and be fine, but others are vulnerable and at risk from being radicalised or used by others in that religion would that be ok?

And really, anyone can use any name they want but if they were called Amelia, you would expect their legal name to be used on forms, reports etc. So why aren’t they in this case? It isn’t about respect - it is about denying facts and encouraging a narrative that could change this kids life for ever

Paradoxically, this is really good news.
She is not going to book herself a mastectomy if she can't even make a GP appointment.
Your goal has to be to prevent permanent damage to her body, so no surgery, no drugs or hormones, and no chest binders. You are in a good position to be able to prevent all this.

Let her change her name, and play along with "changing gender", whilst making it clear to her that you don't believe anyone can actually change sex.
Keep the lines of communication open, keep talking, make her feel loved and supported and make sure she knows you are on her side.
Then hopefully she will out grow this, which may happen when she leaves college in a couple of years.

I bet some idiot has decided that now she’s 16 and so more involved with her own ehcp, they’ll stick this new identity name on the ehcp.

it’s bonkers from a legal and safeguarding pov as she’s not legally changed her name. All her documents should be in her legal name, for safeguarding and, obviously, legal reasons. I can think of any number of issues with doing this in terms of tracking records and needs.

@ConcernedmumofTIF have sent a pm

my issue here is that the college should NOT be putting any child or parent in this situation

they MUST follow kcsie

this is their safeguarding duty

the safeguarding processes have failed here. They do not understand Cass nor kcsie

this is entirely besides what a parent may do with their child in terms of perhaps giving some leeway around the name aspect to keep the connection healthy and communication open.

The parent has the parental responsibility here.

NOT the school.

Thank you for keeping on about this @WarriorN. Safeguarding children is what everyone should be doing. Adults with an agenda have no business intervening in children / young people's lives to try to mould them to suit their niche ideology.

There's a nasty strand of coercive control and bullying as perfectly showcased earlier in this thread by a poster with a personal agenda.

The fact that safeguarding - in schools, colleges and everywhere young people gather - is repeatedly deprioritised in favour of supposed inclusion is shameful. But as we see, self interested individuals see nothing wrong in attacking and trying to intimidate parents who love their children and are scared about how vulnerable they are to gaslighting by a dangerous to the young ideology.

Even on Mumsnet.

💯

Hell yeah.

Behaving sensibly is going along with a young person's wish to have a double mastectomy. It does not MATTER that her brain is not yet totally formed.

How dare these helicopter TERF mums on here suggest interfering and not listen to good old, sound male advice?

Pond scum.

@ConcernedmumofTIF Bayswater, Our Duty and Genspect all have excellent parent support groups for parents in your position.

Key legal duties, government guidance and best practice, relevant to your situation, are:

• Keeping Children Safe in Education (2025)
• Draft Government Guidance for Gender Questioning Children (2023)
• Hilary Cass Review of child gender services (2024)

Some quotes.

Cass review:
“The systematic review showed no clear evidence that social transition in childhood has any positive or negative mental health outcomes, and relatively weak evidence for any effect in adolescence. However, those who had socially transitioned at an earlier age and/or prior to being seen in clinic were more likely to proceed to a medical pathway. (p31)”

KCSiE
"the Cass review identified that caution is necessary for children questioning their gender as there remain many unknowns about the impact of social transition and children may well have wider vulnerabilities, including having complex mental health and psychosocial needs, and in some cases additional diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”

Draft Government Guidance for Gender Questioning Children states:
“Other pupils, parents and teachers may hold protected religious or other beliefs that conflict with the decision that the school or college has made, these are legitimate views that must be respected. (p11)”

Feel free to DM me if you'd like more info.

In Cass review, a child is someone under 18.

I understand the quoting of the law etc -i'm just being realistic about how colleges and local authorities operate with 16+ young people, which means they increasingly listen to the yp and not to the parents. Some yp are very happy for their parents to be involved but others are not, and there will be young people in between.

And soon the yp will be 18. Then what?

A friend of mines son (asd) decided aged 18 out of the blue that he didn't want to have anything to do with his parents any more due to a perceived slight, and the disability team organised accommodation for him, sorted out all his admin, benefits etc and would not tell his parents where he was because he refused to let them know.

It is perverse, because an able 18 year old would have no chance of council accommodation and would still be living at home with parents, but yp with ehc plans actually have a lot of personal power (luckily most of them don't realise this).

I used to work supporting parents with ehc plans and honestly, the options available to unhappy 18 year olds with a plan are considerable. Parents really need to keep their yp on side if they don't want a stand off which they can't win.

"if they are actually trans..."

We often hear this distinction between 'just confused' and 'genuinely trans' glibly trotted out, but what does 'actually trans' even mean?

They don't speak out with care, just with set driven agenda.

The "set driven agenda" here is to support an autistic child.

To recognise that puberty is potentially a distressing time, with breast development and periods to contend with (both of which can lead to sensory issues) and the discombobulation of a changing body and changing emotions. Also the changing reactions of boys, who were previously peers and equals, to girls - at around 14, en masse boys suddenly start lusting after girls. Often with lots of unhelpful and sometimes disgusting commentary. Not every boy and not every girl, obviously. But enough to make someone who is already feeling uncomfortable potentially feel more so.

That's the body disassociation aspect.

Then there's the cognitive processing. What if you've never really "felt" like a girl because you don't really know what that's "supposed" to feel like (spoiler: there's no right way to feel) and you've got "helpful" adults telling you that perhaps your preference for short hair and possible emerging sexual attraction towards girls (add as many more stereotypes as you like about how to "be" a boy)..... mean that maybe you're not actually a girl at all.

That's the cognitive processing aspect.

And no, it's not ableist or transphobic. It's supporting an autistic girl through a really difficult time in life in the face of professionals Iike teachers, who should know better, actively signposting children towards harm and actively telling those children that their parents are harmful to them because "There is not an inch of consideration for what he wants here," etc etc. What a child "wants" (or believe they want because adults have signposted them towards it) and what a child needs are not always the same thing. Knowing this is called being a parent.

Young people take control of their own ehc at 16 and the staff at the LA will put whatever she tells them on the forms tbh. They will not defer to you.

Sadly yes. But even though that's the case, it's still possible to have positive conversations with the various teams that support your child. My daughter is 16 now and the LA is being a nightmare about the EHCP. I'm in a really weird position where a) we've now got a really good SALT and OT approach directly with those teams. opened a dialogue with each of them, that essentially centred around asking them to remember what they know about autism and puberty (see above re body disassociation and cognitive processing) - it wasn't quite that simple but that's the crux of it while b) I'm having to challenge the LA, who are refusing to put any of it actually in the EHCP. All with the added "fun" that the school seems as determined as some posters on this thread to frame lack of belief in gender identity as somehow harmful to my child.

From my experience, OP, it's not easy but there are definitely professionals out there who really do remember their training regarding autism once you give them a nudge to do so. I've never told any of them what to do, I've just asked questions which tapped into what they already knew.

I would echo this from my own experience. But it's about both: focusing on connection whilst also tackling what's going on at the school/college.

I'm afraid that is the most generous interpretation.

There are also a lot of narcs out there who actively enjoy coercion, bullying, and attack.

And finally (sorry about the mass download!)...... Yes to everything that WarriorN is saying about safeguarding law.

The college is failing to follow the KCSIE guidance. It is breaking the law.

It's such a shit situation, OP. Sending more hugs 💐💐 and some 💪💪

Excellent post.