URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

[ConcernedmumofTIF]

I just typed out a whole long post and it disappeared! I'll start again.

I did post about my daughter a few weeks ago under a different name. I am a long term user but name changed for this for anonymity.

TLDR: my daughter is autistic with health issues and mental health issues and has expressed to college she wants to be called a male name. She has told me she wants hormones and double mastectomy. College is socially transitioning her and are using the male name in her official EHCP review documents. I asked them not to but they are ignoring me. What do I do next? I have to reply TODAY as they break up for Christmas this afternoon. Should I raise a saeguarding concern or should I wait and see what happens with the finalised document? (And does anyone know if I can appeal it if they include this other name in it?)

Longer story: she first expressed a non binary identity 2-3 years ago and we talked amicably about it, she knows I am gender critical and I explained why I hold my views, and why I wouldn't use the male name. She seemed OK with this and we have a very close relationship as I am also her carer and she wants me to handle lots of things for her - we talk a lot and spend time together daily doing cetain things she likes as a daily ritual.

Since then, she has obviously become more radicalised (evident in the way she talks about trans although interestingly she was unaware of the Tavistock, or Cass Review, or much of the key stuff) and has said she now identifies as a man, but also as a lesbian (but in a queer way, apparently) and wants hormones and a double mastectomy.

I am deeply concerned that college socially transitioning her is legitimising these desires and also isolating her from us as her family by being all "we will support you when your parents won't".

I have the Bayswater Group guide on safeguarding and have also put my daughter on the waiting list with a therapist who understands the dangers of all of this but they can't see her until March.

I just don't know what to do. I feel sick seeing this other name on offical documents and knowing the damage that is doing. My daughter is vulnerable - autistic, disabled with mental health issues and I think also OCD which I am about to contact the GP about as it's only recently I have realised that some of her rituals are more likely OCD than autistic. I feel college have a duty of care not to just socially transtition her.

Please help me work out a good course of action.

This is the college safeguarding policy https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

I've also looked at other relevant policies and nothing specifically covers social transition though there is mention of not tolerating "transphobia".

Write to them and raise it as a safeguarding issue, highlighting her lack of maturity and stating that you consider her to be vulnerable for this reason. It might give them some pause at least.

Can she move college?

OK so imagine it was DSM and not ICD 11 that was being used to diagnose gender dysphoria.
Say you have a child who ticks most if not all of the DSM boxes.
You can then say they have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
It's what happens next that is the issue.

Is the child helped to understand that whichever sex they were born into is the sex they will remain all their lives, because it is not possible for humans to change sex?

Is the child told that gender stereotypes about the way children dress or play are just ideas that some people have about how boys and girls should be, but that's not true, they can be however they want to be, play with whatever toys they prefer, they don't have to be 'a real boy' or a 'girly girl'?

Is the child supported in accepting that there is nothing wrong with their body as it is, they were not 'born in the wrong body', there is no such thing as a wrong body, and they shouldn't listen to anyone who tells them there is anything wrong with their body as it is.

Or is the child told that they can change sex, that a boy can decide he's a girl, and can grow up to be a woman, or a girl grow up to be a man? And that everybody around them will believe that they really have changed sex?

That if they are a boy who likes playing with dolls, or a girl who likes cars, that is something that should be considered 'not right' and further investigated?

And if a child is so disturbed that they reject their own body, should they be told that they can look forward to avoiding puberty, and at a later stage having perfectly healthy parts of their body removed, as a solution?

A diagnosis of gender dysphoria is one thing; what matters is how the child is lovingly and wisely helped through it to accept reality, i.e. that they are what they are, they are and will always be the sex they were born with, and there is nothing at all wrong with their body or their mind.

Just support your child, going against them will just allienate them. Non binary kids are especially vulnerable when parents don't support them.

@ConcernedmumofTIF, not sure if this was mentioned upthread when you first raised this issue, but both Transgender Trend and Safe Schools Alliance have resources on their websites - including letter templates - that you can use to help push back against this with the college.

Thanks I'll look. It might have been mentioned, I found the thread a bit overwhelming due to the unhelpful tras.

Hang in there! If you’re not already, you might also want to reach out to Bayswater parents’ group. They are very supportive.

This is not necessarily true, some kids just need grounding in reality while they do a bit of maturing.

OP, I am sorry you felt overwhelmed, I am not surprised.
In case you missed it before my post
ScrollingLeaves · 19/12/2025 13:23
had some links that you might helpful.

Re the cancer treatment regret vs trans surgery comparison ...

I had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. I wouldn't say I regret it - it was necessary to save my life - but I'm not particularly happy about it.

By contrast, my trans colleague also had a double mastectomy. My work organised a 'Congratulations!' card for them and we were specifically told to be positive in our messages as trans colleague was so delighted with the whole surgery.

If trans regret truly is only 1% then I think that shows just how much of a brainwashed cult gender ideology is. It's not psychologically healthy to be so delighted about extreme surgery