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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

275 replies

Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping · 19/11/2025 13:24

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

OP posts:
JamieCannister · 21/11/2025 13:57

Diverze · 21/11/2025 13:27

Ok. Good luck with that then.

Let me tell you our story. My DC is autistic. Has always found people hard. Had a difficult time in teenagerhood and a huge mental health crash at sixth form. I was aware of gender discomfort in mid teen years and ignored it in the hopes it would go away....and it apparently did, and I patted myself on the back.

We then had 5 years of DC living in their room, up all night, asleep all day. Refusing to bathe. Eating rubbish. Taking maybe 200 steps a day. They became overweight. We tried sertraline, counselling, there was a depression diagnosis. DC literally did not leave the house, ever.

We got a PA via social care and gradually there was some improvement. After a year we achieved going swimming and out for walks with the PA. Still refusing to wash, still often asleep most of the day.

Then we had another crash. DC was 22, almost 23. Back to refusing to leave the house, curled in fetal position. Eventually revealed that they have been struggling with their identity for years and years. Do I think they were radicalised online? Absolutely. But we are where we are. They were fed this stuff at school as facts, don't forget. I am completely for taking trans teaching out of schools, except as a factual "these people do exist." You tell a bunch of autistic kids that if they don't feel like a "proper" guy or girl then maybe they aren't, you are going to get this result.

So we told them we will always, always love them. That wearing clothing or changing their name if they want to is up to them, they are adult, but we would please request nothing permanent is undertaken until we see a specialist. They cried. They were convinced we would throw them out or hate them (more shit from online). My DC doesn't do hugs, they have sensory sensitivity and find them very difficult. That day was the only time I recall my DC giving me a spontaneous, initiated-by-them hug since they were about 5 years old.

They chose a new name which is a version of the name they would have been called if they had been born the opposite sex. They were given a middle name after one of their parents; they chose the middle name of their other parent as their middle name. Their third name was a gendered name named after a dear friend who died shortly before they were born. They have kept this name, despite it being the "wrong" gender, because of that. So their names are not silly names plucked from who knows where as a romantic hero or a star or something. They are names that clearly show a deep connection with their roots and family. They are not rejecting us.

Anyway, since this was accepted we are seeing change. DC is now up every morning having chosen to take on a certain responsibility (think, walking the dog). They have started talking more. Their bedroom is tidier and washing is now put in the basket. They have taken on a small voluntary job (along the lines of mowing a neighbour's lawn). They are just happier and more functional. They know they don't "pass", they know they aren't actually the opposite sex, they don't use services for that sex. But they know they are accepted and that seems to have made all the difference. They are out walking, cycling, and going to trans swimming sessions. Their friends (they have 2) have accepted the change.

I don't know if it's the demonstration of acceptance or that they feel more real. I don't know if it will go on forever. If they said tomorrow "actually, I don't need to do this" I would be delighted. But it's worth it. They were being consumed, and now they are, very slowly, unfurling.

Now imagine I had said "it's all rubbish. You will never be a woman /man". You don't understand the depths of despair my DC was in, for years. I simply couldn't. And I really think any parent in that situation couldn't. It wasn't casually dropped in or casually undertaken. They agonised, for years.

And yes it's been bloody hard as a parent. Took me 6 months before I could physically say that new name. DH and I have grieved - grieved - for the child we had.

People come on here with their certainties and their simplistic views and they have no bloody idea. I challenge you to look your child in the face at their lowest and most vulnerable moment, when they reveal what they believe to be a massively significant aspect of their identity that they fear could lead to them being ostracised or rejected or thrown out, and say "Women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass or be seen as what you are not".

Edited

What I would do after 20 years of parenting a severely autistic child might be different, I accept that.

ArabellaSaurus just said "I'd prioritise communication, active listening, but I'd also act as solid ground, affirm reality, and hold fast to my own boundaries." That is incredibly well put and I hope that is how I would react.

Hoardasurass · 21/11/2025 14:01

Financial · 21/11/2025 06:06

When you’re pregnant everyone asks what do you hope the baby is.... the reply is always "it doesn't matter as long as it’s a healthy baby."

So when you then give birth to a beautiful baby girl or boy and there maybe comes a time, many years later, when that baby chooses to change into a young man or woman.

Should your answer not still be the same?

“I don't care as long as my baby is healthy”

No because they can't change their sex and anything that they do to their body to produce a facsimile is harming their body and mind. So they wont be healthy will they

sanluca · 21/11/2025 14:26

JamieCannister · 21/11/2025 13:57

What I would do after 20 years of parenting a severely autistic child might be different, I accept that.

ArabellaSaurus just said "I'd prioritise communication, active listening, but I'd also act as solid ground, affirm reality, and hold fast to my own boundaries." That is incredibly well put and I hope that is how I would react.

I agree with this and sorry, @Diverze, whilst I completely have sympathy for your standpoint, I don’t understand why you could not say that last sentence, ‘women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass and people won’t accept you’, in different, non confrontational way. I suspect you are so relieved your child is doing better, you are willing to sacrifice womens and lgb rights for them. Like so many other parents of trans children and young adults.

it is not helpful. It will hurt your child and our children in the long run. Even for a person with such bad mental health, the world does not revolve around them, even if your world does,

Diverze · 21/11/2025 14:33

sanluca · 21/11/2025 14:26

I agree with this and sorry, @Diverze, whilst I completely have sympathy for your standpoint, I don’t understand why you could not say that last sentence, ‘women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass and people won’t accept you’, in different, non confrontational way. I suspect you are so relieved your child is doing better, you are willing to sacrifice womens and lgb rights for them. Like so many other parents of trans children and young adults.

it is not helpful. It will hurt your child and our children in the long run. Even for a person with such bad mental health, the world does not revolve around them, even if your world does,

If you bothered to read all my posts on this thread you would know that I absolutely don't think that.

Why don't you come and take over parenting here, if you could do such a better job.

toottoot3 · 21/11/2025 14:35

Diverze · 19/11/2025 13:53

You can't really answer this question until and unless it happens to you.

You don't have to agree with what your adult child does, or even particularly understand it. They still have a right to do as they see fit.

I found out that supporting my vulnerable autistic adult young person and maintaining our relationship turned out to be more important than anything else.

Also, I don't 'pretend they are another sex.' I acknowledge that they are happier and feel more authentic when people use the name and pronouns they feel make sense to them. Neither of us believes their sex is other than what it is.

Edited

This, watching your child suffer, it's not an easy choice or a fun one for them. No one cares if they give birth to a boy or a girl , but it's a big issue if they change down the line. It just different from what you know. I would rather my child felt safe and loved than unable to discuss with family cause they are not "believed" in their choice. A parents love is unconditional, the only one who suffers in these situations is the child

Stupidleaves · 21/11/2025 14:50

Nope, parents also suffer. They worry about wtf the wrong sex hormones are doing to their child's health. What the affirming nutjobs are saying to their kids. What their child will do when they realize, even if they know it's impossible to change sex, that everyone everywhere will not always indulge their fantasies. What will happen when the euphoria wears off and they start to feel like they're living a lie.

Northquit · 21/11/2025 14:52

Helen Joyce's book has a little advice about the socratic method.
Highly recommend you get a copy.

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 15:09

That sounds incredibly hard @Diverze. Thank you for sharing.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/11/2025 15:19

Financial · 21/11/2025 06:06

When you’re pregnant everyone asks what do you hope the baby is.... the reply is always "it doesn't matter as long as it’s a healthy baby."

So when you then give birth to a beautiful baby girl or boy and there maybe comes a time, many years later, when that baby chooses to change into a young man or woman.

Should your answer not still be the same?

“I don't care as long as my baby is healthy”

Unfortunately when your baby starts on cross-sex hormones your baby is no longer healthy. It's not always instant, it can take years for the downsides to kick in but they do. It's like smoking. Not everyone who smokes gets bronchitis and lung cancer but long-term smokers are at much higher risk. Some of us are old enough to remember when smoking was cool and loads of young people took it up to fit in with their friends. And even when they knew about the health risks those youngsters didn't care, health is for sad old people to worry about.

JamieCannister · 21/11/2025 15:29

toottoot3 · 21/11/2025 14:35

This, watching your child suffer, it's not an easy choice or a fun one for them. No one cares if they give birth to a boy or a girl , but it's a big issue if they change down the line. It just different from what you know. I would rather my child felt safe and loved than unable to discuss with family cause they are not "believed" in their choice. A parents love is unconditional, the only one who suffers in these situations is the child

What if they claimed to be black or an amputee that needed their legs removed?

Would you believe them?

What if they identified as an orphan and told you that they never wanted to see you again becuase to do so would be to undermine their orphan identity? Would you believe them then?

Is there a point where there actions were so harmful that you not face seeing them again? Where is that point? Women's toilets? Changing rooms with young girls? Beating up transphobes? Death threats? Criminality at a level that attracts life sentences?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/11/2025 15:40

sanluca · 21/11/2025 14:26

I agree with this and sorry, @Diverze, whilst I completely have sympathy for your standpoint, I don’t understand why you could not say that last sentence, ‘women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass and people won’t accept you’, in different, non confrontational way. I suspect you are so relieved your child is doing better, you are willing to sacrifice womens and lgb rights for them. Like so many other parents of trans children and young adults.

it is not helpful. It will hurt your child and our children in the long run. Even for a person with such bad mental health, the world does not revolve around them, even if your world does,

Please give us an example of how to say "‘women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass and people won’t accept you" in a "non confrontational" way.

Espeically bearing in mind that it's not the adult speaking it's the young person listening who decides what counts as "confrontational" or not.

ArabellaSaurus · 21/11/2025 15:54

I would actually centre the child rather than women's/LGB rights. Certainly to start with. The parts about passing and acceptance are something that they really do need to understand, though.

“I care about you deeply, and I want us to be able to talk openly and respectfully. I understand you’re trying to make sense of yourself and your feelings, and I’m here to support you in that process. At the same time, I need to be honest about a few things that matter to me.

I also want to say something gently, because it’s very common for all of us - not just you - to end up in online spaces that feel absolutely certain about their worldview. Social media can create bubbles where particular ideas get repeated so often that they start to feel unquestionable, even when real life is more complex. There’s no judgement in that; it’s just how these platforms work.

Part of moving toward a grounded, healthy life is stepping back from those closed circles and reconnecting with the broader world, with real relationships, real experiences, and real boundaries. I’m inviting you to keep that wider perspective open, not because your feelings aren’t valid, but because you deserve clarity, autonomy, and reality-based support, not pressure or one-sided narratives.

And I want to speak honestly but kindly about something that isn’t always said openly online: people don’t actually change sex. Human beings are male or female at a biological level, and medical interventions don’t alter that foundation. And while some people change their presentation, perfectly ‘passing’ as the opposite sex isn’t something anyone can reliably achieve. I’m sharing this not to criticise or discourage you, but because you deserve the truth rather than being given promises that can’t be kept.

We can talk about your discomfort, your questions, and what you’re trying to work through - slowly, honestly, and without pressure to declare a fixed identity or rush into anything. I’m here for you, I'm not against you. I want you to feel supported, grounded, and connected to reality as you figure out who you are.”

(I used ChatGPT, and edited.)

user7638490 · 21/11/2025 16:30

make sure he knows you love him whatever he does.

JamieCannister · 21/11/2025 16:52

ArabellaSaurus · 21/11/2025 15:54

I would actually centre the child rather than women's/LGB rights. Certainly to start with. The parts about passing and acceptance are something that they really do need to understand, though.

“I care about you deeply, and I want us to be able to talk openly and respectfully. I understand you’re trying to make sense of yourself and your feelings, and I’m here to support you in that process. At the same time, I need to be honest about a few things that matter to me.

I also want to say something gently, because it’s very common for all of us - not just you - to end up in online spaces that feel absolutely certain about their worldview. Social media can create bubbles where particular ideas get repeated so often that they start to feel unquestionable, even when real life is more complex. There’s no judgement in that; it’s just how these platforms work.

Part of moving toward a grounded, healthy life is stepping back from those closed circles and reconnecting with the broader world, with real relationships, real experiences, and real boundaries. I’m inviting you to keep that wider perspective open, not because your feelings aren’t valid, but because you deserve clarity, autonomy, and reality-based support, not pressure or one-sided narratives.

And I want to speak honestly but kindly about something that isn’t always said openly online: people don’t actually change sex. Human beings are male or female at a biological level, and medical interventions don’t alter that foundation. And while some people change their presentation, perfectly ‘passing’ as the opposite sex isn’t something anyone can reliably achieve. I’m sharing this not to criticise or discourage you, but because you deserve the truth rather than being given promises that can’t be kept.

We can talk about your discomfort, your questions, and what you’re trying to work through - slowly, honestly, and without pressure to declare a fixed identity or rush into anything. I’m here for you, I'm not against you. I want you to feel supported, grounded, and connected to reality as you figure out who you are.”

(I used ChatGPT, and edited.)

Great answer.

One thing that is missing is that by definition (and it is best case / rare) if they do "pass" then all this means is that you have successfully conned strangers and vague aquaintences that you are the sex you are not. I think that there is a strong argument that lying is always wrong, and if the lie is to people who do not know you or care about you then what's the point anyway?

On the other hand every close and sexual relationship will be with someone who knows their unchanging sex. In the incredibly unlikely event that they could successfully lie to close friends and sexual partners the end result would be "close" relationships entirely built on a lie and possible rape charges, neither of which are in any way positive.

The only benefit of transitioning is so that they can be in the club / tribe known as "trans". The only benefit of "passing" is to increase their status in trans club. Their is no happy ending where everyone accepts you as a woman, you meet a nice straight man and settle down and have kids.

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:01

I think Charlie Kirk really did say the best thing that can be said (which he said to a young woman identifying as trans as part of a civil conversation the two of them were having):

I want you to be at peace with your body, not at war with it.

Ultimately, the trans route is waging a war that can never be won against the body.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:05

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:01

I think Charlie Kirk really did say the best thing that can be said (which he said to a young woman identifying as trans as part of a civil conversation the two of them were having):

I want you to be at peace with your body, not at war with it.

Ultimately, the trans route is waging a war that can never be won against the body.

Someone else’s body was none of his business.

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:07

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:05

Someone else’s body was none of his business.

Well, the young woman in question had chosen to come to the mic and speak with him, and she seemed perfectly happy to have this conversation, so I’m not sure why you’re getting so defensive.

Also a very feeble response to his point, which I’m guessing you can’t argue with so you’ve lobbed that in instead.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:16

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:07

Well, the young woman in question had chosen to come to the mic and speak with him, and she seemed perfectly happy to have this conversation, so I’m not sure why you’re getting so defensive.

Also a very feeble response to his point, which I’m guessing you can’t argue with so you’ve lobbed that in instead.

Not defensive at all. Simply stating an obvious fact. No need to be so rude.

BundleBoogie · 21/11/2025 17:17

RocknRollBand · 19/11/2025 22:05

My best friend went down the embracing and supporting route. She did everything she could to help her daughter be who she was, a boy and not a girl. She called her by the new chosen name. She driver her to a ‘rainbow group’. She took her to Pride marches, even organising a float through her workplace festooned with rainbows and trans flags. New clothes, new haircuts, new friends.

After eighteen months of this the child tried to kill herself. She was hospitalised and her stomach pumped. Three weeks later she tried to hang herself from a tree. She started counselling. It was discovered that she had been cutting her arms for months.

And it came out that she didn’t think she was trans. She was a girl after all. She was too scared to tell her parents and they had been so supportive and gone out of their way to welcome her new boy persona Their new son.

She was embarrassed that the school, her friends and her family would all have to be told that she was just Emma again. That they would have to get rid of all of those clothes and buy even more things. She was worried that someone at Rainbow group would find out and be disappointed in her.

Who knows what would have happened if her parents hadn’t been so supportive of her. Would it have just passed by as a fad like how kids get obsessed with yo-yos or saying six seven? if they had just said ‘you can’t change sex, you can wear what you like and I couldn’t care less if you change your name to Jaxon but you can’t become a boy’.

She’s tried to kill herself five times at least. Every morning my friend is worried until she sees her again in case she has killed herself during the night.

This is heartbreaking. Kids need boundaries. They need parents to be honest with them and guide them through to adulthood safely and without allowing them to make any decisions that shut down other major life choices. They need to keep their options open to grow and evolve as they mature.

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:18

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:16

Not defensive at all. Simply stating an obvious fact. No need to be so rude.

No - a blatant attempt to deflect from the point being made. Which is pretty rude (and transparent) on your part.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:21

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:18

No - a blatant attempt to deflect from the point being made. Which is pretty rude (and transparent) on your part.

If you say so.

Alternatively, not every woman agrees with you/Kirk 🤷‍♀️

Ddakji · 21/11/2025 17:23

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2025 17:21

If you say so.

Alternatively, not every woman agrees with you/Kirk 🤷‍♀️

What is it that you’re disagreeing with? That it’s better to be at peace than at war with your body? You think it’s better to be at war with your body, with yourself? Why?

azuleja · 21/11/2025 17:26

I know I probably wouldn’t do this in reality but I’d be tempted to say from now on call me (your mother) ‘dad’ and your father ‘mum’ or at least use this as a way to make them think how utterly mind bending and egg shell treadingly hard it is to do and accept.
Even if said flippantly it’s still extremely hard to wrap your head around.

Branleuse · 21/11/2025 17:38

DeftTaupeLeader · 19/11/2025 16:07

How are they loving if they deny you or your child's identity and want to keep challenging it? Nobody would cut off someone they consider loving, you're right, but this person isnt loving.

I would completely disagree that 'denying' your child's transgender identity is somehow equal to not loving them. That's dangerous talk! You don't have to agree with someone to love them, and pretending you believe something you don't is fundamentally dishonest.

Diverze · 21/11/2025 18:01

"We can talk about your discomfort, your questions, and what you’re trying to work through - slowly, honestly, and without pressure to declare a fixed identity or rush into anything. I’m here for you, I'm not against you. I want you to feel supported, grounded, and connected to reality as you figure out who you are.”

This is disingenuous though isn't it? Because you are presupposing the outcome and against the person adopting a trans identity.

As I have said many times on this thread, many trans people know they aren't really the other sex and that they don't pass. What people don't get is that "passing" isn't what drives transition, well it might be for homosexual transexuals, but not for autistic young people. It's about their sense of self.