How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

[Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping]

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

So why are you on this thread, which is about exactly this topic that you "really don't care" about?

That's such a weak and transparent response. Don't you mean that you're not capable of continuing the discussion if people do not meekly agree with your dogma?

Because to continue the discussion it would require critical thinking on this topic rather than recitation of dogma?

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

It's important to note that coming out as trans is not the same as coming out as gay. That doesn't necessarily imply a value judgement, but they're different. The typifying coming-out-as-gay experience is that they've been dating the same sex for some time and are in a relationship with someone and that they feel people close to them should know, so they don't need to hide the sex of their partner (or keep hidden the fact that they have one.)

The typical coming out experience for trans individuals is that they're experiences mental anguish that they have identified living as the incorrect gender as being the cause; they think that presenting as the opposite sex might alleviate it and are soliciting the assistance of others to affirm their new gender.

Of course there are nontypical experiences in both situation (gay and transgender), but the dynamic is so different that I think it's inappropriate to use the term 'coming out' for both - at least unless extreme care is used, as it begs the question of gender identity. I.e. it implies that there is such a thing as a fixed gender identity and that you're revealing it.

And of course it's part of the larger dynamic of trans expropriation of public good will toward gay issues through the use of language.

Yeh I'm actually not in the least bit interested in your perspective or in changing it, so have no reason to further dwell on your disingenuous "analogy."

I gave my opinion. What you do with it is up to you.

Supporting doesn't have to mean going all in with flags and parades.

And whilst this story is very sad, the person was a child and therefore it's a different situation for parents to navigate.

How old is your son OP?

My daughter was 18 when she told us, so legally an adult. We have followed her wishes and use her new chosen name, she has had all her ID papers changed (name and sex marker).

Whilst we respect that it's her life and her choice, we have been very clear that she will never be able to "change sex", not even taking cross sex hormones will change her sex. She understands this position, but is apparently happier "presenting as male" (whatever the fuck that means... gender ideology forces gender stereotypes more strongly than plain ol' misogyny).

It's not an impasse exactly, but an understanding that we love each other as members of a family and that opinions are allowed to differ.

So now I have a trans son. I cannot, or will not, say I have a son because I need to draw a line (for myself, for my own sanity). I do feel compelled into living a lie by using the wrong sex pronouns for my child, but it's a compromise I'm willing to make currently because I love my child.

OP if you have a close relationship with your child up till now, and you want to maintain that, it will be up to you to decide how you can adjust and accommodate to this new phase in your relationship together.

What I tolerate and accept may be very different from what you're able to. I remind myself that in 5, 10 or 20 years' time, I want to be enjoying a meal or some kind of happy time with my children so I do what I can now to ensure my child knows I love her, despite our differences of opinion and acceptance of reality.

Good luck, and do look into joining Bayswater Support Group if you want support from other parents in the same situation.

I'd try very, very hard (albeit gently) to find out why he thinks he's trans & what he thinks trans is. There's been so much gender nonsense pushed in schools & the media that, far from breaking down gender stereotpes, a lot of young people are straightjacketed by them & lads can assume that even quite small variations from GI Joe mean they must eject themselves from their own sex class.Then there's the revival of homophobia - really odd how Stonewall missed what's been going on in schools for so many years now. I think many adults sort of assumed that homophobia was largely done & dusted so the idea that young Millenials & Zoomers might experience internalised homophobia got missed.

I had my own lightbulb moment when I first encountered the idea of "sex change"/ "gender reassignment" as a kid. I knew I hated everthing "girly" & was hopeless at it (put me in makeup & I look like a man in drag!) knew I had a hard time fitting in with other kids, didn't like my body, hated pubertal changes, & so on & on - of course I must be "really" a boy! Of course I wasn't. I was just a very unfeminine lass with a troubled home life & undiagnosed ASD. It took me years to work it out though, & these days the combination of astroturfed misinformation & the fashion for all things trans robs people of that luxury of space & time to work through things on one's own. You have to log off & figure out the difference between analysis & rumination.

This. Distant family members of mine let (encouraged?) their son to attend his very first day of high school wearing a skirt. If that’s not asking for him to be bullied I don’t know what is.

The rewriting of history is so trans for the course.

I would absolutely support them, no shadow of a doubt. Our relationship ship is far more important to me than anything else.

I would just continue to love and support them.

OP, despite the myriad of opinions that people have offered here, you stated they were in the early stages of realisation. That's not to say they will become transsexual (the actual act of gender reassignment), which many people simply gloss over. There is numerous steps to go through the process, such as changing their pronouns, lifestyle, mental outlook, etc. BEFORE going through actual surgery which doesn't happen until they are thoroughly vetted after months to years of multiple therapy sessions. Did you know it's estimated that at least 1 out of 2,000 babies born are deemed intersex (not their choice). Of course new parents would never admit to physically mutilating their newborn if they are intersex physically at the doctor's notification. Suffice it to say it may not appear for years also. Just offer them support as much as you can, and explain your boundaries. For the Sisterhood of the Traveling TERFS who only like to cherry pick long-standing years of scientific work, like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, the U.S. HHS Secretary, that is their choice. This is what makes this a wonderful world we live in. Just realize how easy it is to destroy someone's mindset because they don't agree with your outlook on life. It's happened to all of us because that's what makes us stronger. I mean why would they choose to identify as a group with one of the highest suicide and murder rates? Who chooses what's behind Door 3, when it's easier with Doors 1 and 2?

Researchers perform innovative study on intersex experience

@NumbersGuyyou mean DSD and it’s well diagnosed from birth in this country.
People who have a birth defect doesn’t mean humans can change sex. All of those people are 100% one sex or another.

This is what a friend of mine did. Her (giant of a ) son decided he wasn't a 'man' any more, She uses his preferred new name, but still calls him 'he' unless he's around when she doesn't need to use pronouns. She is not sure what spaces he uses at university but has stated that she will not support him using female ones.

I'm not sure she actually takes him seriously, but for the sake of his MH she has to look like she does. She is incredibly down to earth who picked no nonsense, classic names for her children & son has picked a ridiculous star related name (think Cassiopeia, Electra, Vespa etc) that no one sensible would lump on any child! She has stated that she hopes noone thinks she gave him that name!

Interestingly though, his dad who was always of the 'be kind' brigade, and who I have had many a debate in the past about trans women & women's spaces, struggles the most with it. It seems that it is OK for other people but not his own child, he doesn't even use the preferred name as 'he can't'!

I had this with my daughter, not an adult at that time so different. We had conversations about a new name and how the rejection of the name we had chosen for her made me feel as well, that pronouns are sex based for most people and you can't force people to use them when you not present and she needed to learn to deal with it. We also discussed that she could never change sex and that drugs and surgery would severly damage her healthy body with no guarantee it would resolve her MH difficulties.
And that she and her trans friends should never ever impose themselves in the opposite sex changing rooms and toilets as that would be unfair. Thankfully the school had mixed sex alternatives for toilets and separate single sex changing rooms for pe.

It was not a great time but there is no they/them anymore, and sadly her trans friends, bar one, all deteriotated despite transitioning and she lost touch. It did affirm with me that transitioning for many is due to mh issues that transitioning is not the fix for. Transitioning is just hiding.

I appreciate all of the replies.
After a conversation we had this week where I restated my love for him but that I cannot give him my blessing so to speak, he got upset and asked what he was supposed to do if he didn't transition. He refused to talk after that. I am quite sure his online trans friends are encouraging the victim/misunderstood trans mentality.
One of my main worries is I have a BRCA mutation (he is yet to be tested) and even after preventative mastectomies I am not allowed HRT due to my cancer risk. I cannot see how any doctor could agree with placing him on HRT, he would be at even higher risk than me as he still has breast tissue!

He refused to talk after that. I am quite sure his online trans friends are encouraging the victim/misunderstood trans mentality.

It's not surprising he felt upset you didn't want to support him and didn't want to discuss the situation further.

You should respect that and not jump to conclusions.

Unless you are monitoring his online activities, which as he is an adult I hope not, you have no idea what his friends have said.

When you’re pregnant everyone asks what do you hope the baby is.... the reply is always "it doesn't matter as long as it’s a healthy baby."

So when you then give birth to a beautiful baby girl or boy and there maybe comes a time, many years later, when that baby chooses to change into a young man or woman.

Should your answer not still be the same?

“I don't care as long as my baby is healthy”

I would 100% accept that this was what they wanted and ask them what they needed from me. It would make me sad, but I would get over that for them, because this would be real life, not a theoretical thought experiment.

I guess the worry for the OP is that her child is not healthy, he has a distressing mental health condition and he is probably going to put his physical health at risk with hormone treatment and pointless surgeries because of it.
It reasonable and caring to worry and ask how to avoid the long term physical and emotional complications and best support her adult child who is suffering a mental disorder.

three posts, one after the other, telling mum to do nothing and accept it. Hi Redditers!

@Financial I know quite a few trans people and if there is one adjective I would not use to describe transition or any of their situations post-transition it is ‘healthy’. Sometimes it is a compromise that makes sense after years of poor health, I suppose.