How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

[Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping]

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

That is what I am struggling with! He knows I love him and will continue to love him. I have taken him to have initial baseline blood tests done. I have offered to arrange psychologist/counselling sessions. My struggle is with finding a balance between supporting him as the child I love dearly and not supporting any ideological beliefs that I don't agree with.
I have overheard conversations where I assume he is being teased about his deep voice as he was then insisting that he liked his voice and knows he sounds like a man. On another occasion he was talking about an outfit he had bought (jeans and shirt) and it sounded as though he was having to defend his purchase.
I paint his nails for him and have taken him to have his ears pierced. There is no issue here with self expression and/or sexuality, I just have a niggling doubt that this is really him (trans) and not him trying to fit in with or find community in the gaming group he has found himself a part of.

@Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping hes an adult though? He doesn’t ‘need’ your blessing? Are you supporting him financially?

Should your answer not still be the same?
“I don't care as long as my baby is healthy”

If your baby suddenly becomes so uncomfortable with their body that they want to change it, this suggests something is causing them significant mental distress. I’m aware of the “affirming gender is suicide prevention” narrative, but the ‘kind’ response is actually to find support to help your child investigate what’s behind that discomfort and see if they can be helped to feel better. ‘Affirming’ risks entrenching a belief that medical interventions to transition will magically solve the issue, when gender dysphoria can be an expression of something much deeper which could be discovered/treated if people cared enough to question it - just as this obviously very caring mother is doing. This ‘immediate and unquestioning affirmation’ brand of “being kind” is lazy, and cruel.

I’m saying this as somebody who experienced prolonged gender dysphoria, who identified as non-binary for a while, and who absolutely would have believed I was trans if this had been on my radar at all between the ages of around 5-25. I consider myself lucky that I wasn’t a teenager or young adult in today’s world because I would have regretted the choices I definitely would have made. I also know a young person who spoke to me about their own desire to transition: I gently advised she wear whatever she wanted but hold off making big decisions, and four years later she’s incredibly grateful that I didn’t immediately “affirm her gender”. She’s not trans, she was just struggling with the transition to adulthood, gendered societal expectations, and being - at the time undiagnosed - autistic.

More importantly, I’m guessing you missed this very valid concern about her child’s health:
One of my main worries is I have a BRCA mutation (he is yet to be tested) and even after preventative mastectomies I am not allowed HRT due to my cancer risk. I cannot see how any doctor could agree with placing him on HRT, he would be at even higher risk than me as he still has breast tissue!

I missed nothing
My post/quote was for all to consider.

Acceptance is great but only if health, physical and mental, are not being compromised.

All of this.

I think the increased cancer risk is perhaps how you can frame it.

You are worried because you know it's not going to be possible for him to take cross sex hormones without much greater risk to his health (and I'd hope no one would prescribe them).

This is going to be something that he'll need to come to terms with. (Like our sex) It is not something we get to choose and we can't escape it however much we want to.

Of course he doesn't need my blessing, he wants it though.

for me one of the issues was that they would no longer be healthy. Transitioning, surgery and drugs, would completely destroy her healthy body.

so my biggest objection and drive was to ensure her body stayed healthy by working on her mental health issues. Not working on her body and hoping it would fix her mental health issues.

You can’t change sex.

chooses to change into a young man or woman.

This obnoxious, trivializing, emotional manipulation is one of the worst aspects of trans advocacy, and it's especially disconcerting to see it on a heartfelt thread like this one.

There is enough rhetoric encouraging trans folks to disengage with any unsupportive family

Yes it works exactly the same way as in a cult where this is what happens.
Probably advice for parents of adult children caught in a cult would be helpful here too.

@Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping his friendship group does not sound very accepting or inclusive. He can present himself however he likes. Why should he have to fit in with their narrow stereotyped views?

Does he need to feel more confident in his own independent thoughts and feelings? Perhaps ask him to hold off on anything permanent until he has really weighed it up, independently of his friends egging him on. The reality of his life, what will happen now, in 5, 10, 25, 50 years. (If he even gets another 50 years if he messes around with a BRCA gene) The risks and benefits, if they are worth it. What he wants his family and his work to look like. Not a fantasy of turning into some magical impossible person.

The reply isn’t always “just as long as my baby is healthy”, though, is it? We know that to the tune of a billion female people not existing due to sex selective abortion.

You can’t change sex. A person rejecting their sexed body a wanting to turn themselves into a medical experience and a patient for life is very far from healthy.

We have a creepy 40something late transition in the family. Fell down the internet rabbit hole.
Our normal older brother ticked the trans playbook of family vocally not understanding. So cut off
I, partly because of work, have kept painfully quiet, sticking to you do you, new name but no further affirmative. I got cut off because wouldn't affirm positively, welcoming him to women's toilets.
My mum has money so he's majorly manipulative. She's starting to see through this.

He is taking massive amounts of Self prescribed drugs, clearly gets a massive kick out of being called for a smear twice. Will probably get prostate cancer, not caught early unlike our dad who was tested and treated.

To be honest, my trans sibling is a waste of oxygen, brings so little joy to our lives and only cares about himself. He has been like this for many decades, the trans thing is new so can't blame that!

There’s nothing “healthy” about being trans. Have you read any of the profoundly disturbing testimonies on Trans Reddit UK?

So many surgeries, drug regimes, treatments sought, provided and denied. So many profoundly unhappy people. Who could be anything but distraught their child was engaged in that?

Precisely.

Acceptance is great, in theory, other things being equal. But we live in the real world where things are not equal, not a hypothetical one where they are.

Encouraging social transition (which often leads to medical transition, and involves ignoring any mental health issues, difficulties or neurodiversity the person has) or medical transition (which causes all sorts of physical health issues, and seems to make mental health issues worse) is 100% wrong, because it is bad for physical and mental health.

You do not get to tell your adult child what to do.

You can express concern (I did). You can advise caution (I have).

You don't "encourage" an adult child to socially transition. You accept it to a greater or lesser degree, or you tell them you won't accept it. They still have every right to go ahead.

I almost cannot believe a previous poster equating being happy with a baby of either sex so long as he or she is healthy, and being pleased with an offspring who has decided they are not the sex they are, filled themselves with hormones incompatible with their body type and quite possibly decided to get bits cut off or added on to their previously healthy bodies, then pretend they are something they are not ……… which is as unhealthy, and something for a parent not to feel pleased about, as it is possible to be…..

even if a parent accepts their adult child doing this to themselves because they don’t know what else they can do.

I think it shows the ‘be kind’ ‘be inclusive’ confusion’ and how reasonable, good people cannot see past the idea that all would be trans people were tragically born in the wrong bodies for their minds and have no other option but killing themselves if they do not transition. “Better a live daughter than a dead son”, as the saying goes.

Anyone can tell anyone what to do. The question is how they react.

Besides, I did not say anything about telling them what to do, I spoke of not encouraging social or medical transition.

I would be making it absolutely clear that TWAM and that the vast majority of people believe that women and LGB rights matter, and that neither can exist if we pretend some men are women. They will never pass or be seen as what they are not.

It wouldn’t bother me if my DC was an adult (my DC is an adult).

To believe you can change sex is not healthy. To
have surgery to remove healthy body parts to support a delusion is not healthy. To take cross sex hormones long term to support a delusion is not healthy. To believe that someone can "choose to change into a young man or woman" is not healthy.

It is because I love my children for who they actually are that I would refuse to go along with the pretence and lies. My children are good enough as they are and don't need to have surgery and take hormones and pretend to be the opposite sex to be good enough. I would remind them they are wonderful, worthy, beautiful people. If they wanted to wear clothes aimed at women fine, whatever they want to do with their hair or makeup or accessories is their business, whatever hobbies or jobs or the like they do is up to them, who they are friends or in romantic relationships with is their choice, whatever name they want to use is fine by me. They aren't female. They will never be women. Mutilation and use of hormones and a life lived trying to bully or deceive people into pretending they believe or actually believing they are women are not what I want for them and not remotely healthy.

Parenting is sometimes hard and sometimes involves saying things children do not want to hear.

Ok. Good luck with that then.

Let me tell you our story. My DC is autistic. Has always found people hard. Had a difficult time in teenagerhood and a huge mental health crash at sixth form. I was aware of gender discomfort in mid teen years and ignored it in the hopes it would go away....and it apparently did, and I patted myself on the back.

We then had 5 years of DC living in their room, up all night, asleep all day. Refusing to bathe. Eating rubbish. Taking maybe 200 steps a day. They became overweight. We tried sertraline, counselling, there was a depression diagnosis. DC literally did not leave the house, ever.

We got a PA via social care and gradually there was some improvement. After a year we achieved going swimming and out for walks with the PA. Still refusing to wash, still often asleep most of the day.

Then we had another crash. DC was 22, almost 23. Back to refusing to leave the house, curled in fetal position. Eventually revealed that they have been struggling with their identity for years and years. Do I think they were radicalised online? Absolutely. But we are where we are. They were fed this stuff at school as facts, don't forget. I am completely for taking trans teaching out of schools, except as a factual "these people do exist." You tell a bunch of autistic kids that if they don't feel like a "proper" guy or girl then maybe they aren't, you are going to get this result.

So we told them we will always, always love them. That wearing clothing or changing their name if they want to is up to them, they are adult, but we would please request nothing permanent is undertaken until we see a specialist. They cried. They were convinced we would throw them out or hate them (more shit from online). My DC doesn't do hugs, they have sensory sensitivity and find them very difficult. That day was the only time I recall my DC giving me a spontaneous, initiated-by-them hug since they were about 5 years old.

They chose a new name which is a version of the name they would have been called if they had been born the opposite sex. They were given a middle name after one of their parents; they chose the middle name of their other parent as their middle name. Their third name was a gendered name named after a dear friend who died shortly before they were born. They have kept this name, despite it being the "wrong" gender, because of that. So their names are not silly names plucked from who knows where as a romantic hero or a star or something. They are names that clearly show a deep connection with their roots and family. They are not rejecting us.

Anyway, since this was accepted we are seeing change. DC is now up every morning having chosen to take on a certain responsibility (think, walking the dog). They have started talking more. Their bedroom is tidier and washing is now put in the basket. They have taken on a small voluntary job (along the lines of mowing a neighbour's lawn). They are just happier and more functional. They know they don't "pass", they know they aren't actually the opposite sex, they don't use services for that sex. But they know they are accepted and that seems to have made all the difference. They are out walking, cycling, and going to trans swimming sessions. Their friends (they have 2) have accepted the change.

I don't know if it's the demonstration of acceptance or that they feel more real. I don't know if it will go on forever. If they said tomorrow "actually, I don't need to do this" I would be delighted. But it's worth it. They were being consumed, and now they are, very slowly, unfurling.

Now imagine I had said "it's all rubbish. You will never be a woman /man". You don't understand the depths of despair my DC was in, for years. I simply couldn't. And I really think any parent in that situation couldn't. It wasn't casually dropped in or casually undertaken. They agonised, for years.

And yes it's been bloody hard as a parent. Took me 6 months before I could physically say that new name. DH and I have grieved - grieved - for the child we had.

People come on here with their certainties and their simplistic views and they have no bloody idea. I challenge you to look your child in the face at their lowest and most vulnerable moment, when they reveal what they believe to be a massively significant aspect of their identity that they fear could lead to them being ostracised or rejected or thrown out, and say "Women and lgb rights matter, you will never pass or be seen as what you are not".

Exactly this.

very difficult, OP, you have my sympathy.

I'd prioritise communication, active listening, but I'd also act as solid ground, affirm reality, and hold fast to my own boundaries.

I'm so sorry, what a difficult time you've had.

I hope you can find a way through.

It may be worth looking into long term arcs. Often people with 'trans' identities report 'euphoria' and appear to have found 'the solution' to all their problems at the initiation of the journey, which can end up on a trajectory that eventually leads to a crash. This is over a period of years, I should add.

I'm sorry to sound negative; but I'd personally treat 'euphoria' as just as much of a red flag as dysphoria.

I don't feel like DC is euphoric. Maybe that first day but we are 18 months in. Just quietly happier.