Teacher asked DD how she IDs

[S1894PCohen]

My DD is a tomboy - short hair and trousers all the way - but has always been very clear that she's a girl. While I respect how other people want to live their lives and their right to believe whatever bollocks they like, I don't do gender ideology and neither does she.
Ever since she's started secondary school, she's been asked by other kids if she's trans. It boils my piss and I've contacted the school about it but she tends to just tell people she's a girl and shrugs it off as she doesn't want to make a fuss.
However this week she was mistaken for a boy by a teacher. When she and her pals told her she was, in fact, a girl, the teacher took her aside at the end of the class and asked "how she identified" and if she'd "ever identified as anything other than a girl". DD says this teacher flies a pink and blue flag above her desk...
I am livid - it's bad enough DD gets this shit from other kids, let alone a teacher. I've no doubt the teacher thinks she's "being kind" but I feel her behaviour is steeped in reactionary gender stereotypes. I'm minded to complain - WWYD?

Did you bother reading the thread, or at minimum Op’s posts? Op did make it very clear it was DD that also had an issue with it:

”DD was actually mortified. She shrugs off other kids' nonsense but it's different coming from a teacher. It was said in front of another kid too!”

and then

“…What's really ground her gears in this instance, is that the teacher persisted in questioning her about gender ID, even though she'd been told DD is a girl.“

OP, as much as I stand by your choice to call gender identity out as bollocks, the PP above is a good example of what you might find at the school if there is an activist element within the safeguarding/senior leadership team.

It sounds like your daughter is not at risk of becoming gender questioning but it might be worth bracing yourself in case the school decides to manage you as a potential domestic abuser who is enforcing your beliefs and values on your daughter. Yes, I appreciate that sounds ridiculous (and your "belief" is that sex is real and factual ... and your values that your daughter can have short hair if she wants)...... but if they are activist, they likely won't see it that way. They'll likely assume they are saving your daughter from you and will most likely start by reporting you to Children's Services.

I'm not trying to alarm you but it's definitely worth being prepared for it. In my case, I didn't call it bollocks to believe in gendered souls, I put it on par with other beliefs that contradict scientific knowledge about biology and which some people hold (e.g. the idea that it's possible for a child to be conceived without sperm to a virgin mother)... and made it very clear that I am happy for my daughter to have short hair, wear clothes from the boys' section etc. Yet I have so far been reported twice to Children's Services as a risk to my daughter 🤦‍♀️

On both occasions I was told by CS that I was not. On the second occasion I asked for them to keep the case open for longer so that they could see for themselves that the referral made no sense.

How appalling - I am sorry this has happened to you.

Yes, experienced similar response from someone at my DD’s [private] school reporting me. 3month 360 assessment, home visits, interviews with my kids in private in their bedrooms etc. Fortunately I had a degree in psychology, was an ex teacher and child development pseudo-expert so was able to stand my ground and knew more about autism, teen development and transgender issues than they did. I may have ‘peaked’ one of them. The result the first time was a 27 page report that affirmed me and DH as engaged and supportive parent. The second time was shorter, but reaffirmed. They closed the case at that stage and apologised.

But, yes, I’d be prepared for it, even though the Cass report and current guidance should mean that the first line of enquiry for the school and Board of Governors is to discipline the teacher. The general rule should be that unless the child expresses distress, is exhibiting problem behaviours, and there has been a multi-staff meeting to discuss those concerns, then a staff member has absolutely no authority to approach a child in this way.

Dresses like a boy no shock that people mistake them for a boy!

Aren't you glad we grew up in earlier times? In the 90s we were allowed to have short hair and be androgynous! Looking forward for that trend to come back.

How is wearing trousers and having short hair dressing like a boy?

What a stupid comment. When I was at school in the 80s / 90s, about half the girls in my classes had short hair. Nobody talked rubbish about them identifying as boys.

Same way long hair apparently makes you a girl

How appalling - I am sorry this has happened to you.

❤️ It was incredibly stressful. Particularly the first time when it was a bolt from the blue. The safeguarding leadership had decided not to liaise with the senior member of staff who had been supporting me (who is also a member of the safeguarding team) for 18 months so were completely oblivious to all the clinical help my daughter had already had to support her autism-related puberty distress, the courses my husband and I had been on after self-referring to CS to get support for the whole family during my daughter's violent mental health breakdown etc. CS closed the case almost immediately (which was good for my nerves!) when they could see what we already had in progress. I have a ridiculous email chain between the DDSL and me where she keeps saying "oh, I didn't were doing that"....

On the second occasion I was more mentally prepared for it as relations with the DSL had already broken down. By this point I told the Head that I had "lost trust and faith in the safeguarding leadership team" (I could fill a thread with why). It was on that second occasion that I asked them to keep the case open.

The result the first time was a 27 page report that affirmed me and DH as engaged and supportive parent

💪💪💪❤️

I didn't get this but we did get a written clean bill of health as parents. Also I think both our caseworker and her boss got quite an eye opener into just how dangerous gender identity belief is for vulnerable children.

I don't know about the boss' opening thoughts, as we were well into lots of in depth conversations by the time I finally met her, but the (genuinely lovely) case worker started off by telling me how proud she was of all the "trans children" she had helped and how important it was to take things one step at a time... and how she had help guide them on when they were ready to change their pronouns etc.... We had some very interesting calls where I think she came to the conclusion (of her own volition) that perhaps this wasn't the best way to approach it after all...

At one point it nearly went awry, when for no apparent reason our case got reassigned.... The first I knew of it was a phone call where someone introduced herself as my new social worker... And then proceeded to check that I would be using my daughter's preferred pronouns 🤦‍♀️ I asked why we had been reassigned to her and apparently it was because we "weren't making any progress". I happily informed her that we were making great progress, so we got reassigned back to the original case worker. It was about a week after that that I met the boss on the original team (at my request, mostly to talk about why the progress had been so positive). Fun times...

TBF I'm past being surprised when people assume my daughter is a boy.

Back in the 80/90s it would have been amazing to be one of those girls who got briefly mistaken for a boy, I'm sure. Short hair and androgynyous clothing were a great way to bust stereotypes and briefly have some people wondering if they were in fact boys.

Sadly these days anyone thinking they might be has been trained to assume that the kindest thing to do is tell them that if they believe they are, they really are boys. And don't worry, you don't need to think about chopping off body parts or shortening your life expectancy by permanently damaging your body with steroids until you're a bit more sure that you are your true authentic self.

Apparently this is progress.

What a dreadful experience for you all. I’m sorry you had to go through it.

I would complain. I'm a teacher and if I heard a colleague had done this, I would report them. It's SO inappropriate, even though it probably came from a place of misguided kindness. My son is gender non-conforming but is very clear that he is male. I don't need people muddying the waters.

@BonfireLady What a complete and utter nightmare. It must have been so distressing for all of you. Hats off to you for getting through it.

What does dressing like a boy mean?

I’m also baffled as to why it was necessary or relevant for the teacher to clarify whether your daughter was a boy or girl in the first place? In front of everyone? Let alone needing to single them out afterwards to go deeper into the topic…

Good luck op, hope it paves the way for change at the school.

I’m also baffled as to why it was necessary or relevant for the teacher to clarify whether your daughter was a boy or girl in the first place?

A quick. "I'm sorry." and then moving on would have sufficed. Like when a child is known by the second name and a new teacher inadvertently calls out the first name - a quick correction and that's the end of it.

Activism and virtue signalling.

possibly grooming.

has to be stopped.

This ⬆️

I'd break it down into 3 levels:

1. virtue signalling and ignorance of the underlying risk

The majority of people will likely be in this group. Most won't take it any further than pronouns in their bio to show their virtue - they'll engage if the conversation comes up but will quickly pivot to "it's all so very complicated". For the teachers that are in this group, some will likely think themselves to be better "educated" and/or more understanding of what really matters than the fuddy-duddy parents who can't get to grips with modern life and/or are afraid of their child growing up.

2. Activism

This is the next stage, for those that really do believe that they're in the right. They won't disengage with the conversation, they'll actively lean in and/or start a conversation at a theoretical level and will actively champion examples of trans people to inspire children. They want to save children en masse etc. They won't see the line between activism and grooming, because at a societal level there isn't one: it's mass indirect grooming, similar to how a paedophile grooms the adults first (so that the adults reassure the children about how great the person is). For clarity, I'm using paedophilia here as an analogy to describe grooming behaviour, not to say that anyone who is part of trans rights activism is a paedophile.

3. grooming

Speaking directly to a child in attempt to get them to recognise that they might be "in the wrong body". Again, for clarity, I'm not suggesting that teachers who groom children into believing that they might be in the wrong body are paedophiles. I suspect the vast majority think that they are genuinely saving children from bigoted parents.

Pretty much all teachers in group one and most in group two would likely have this approach:

A quick. "I'm sorry." and then moving on would have sufficed. Like when a child is known by the second name and a new teacher inadvertently calls out the first name - a quick correction and that's the end of it.

But persistently asking is grooming. It can't be anything else. The motive for the grooming is immaterial if the outcome is that the child is encouraged away from their parents. I have met one such family, whose daughter was groomed away from them in a school setting. I felt both heartbroken for them and scared for myself and my daughter, given my experience so for with the safeguarding leadership team at my daughter's school.

There are some dreadful accounts on here from parents. And as @BonfireLady so clearly explains, using fear and intimidation to bully parents out of protecting their children is wicked.
This is happening because our useless (and in many cases trans captured) politicians are still in thrall to the dodgy queer theory groups insisting that children must be transitioned, that girls have no right to single sex sport, that mixed sex changing is essential and teaching girls to have boundaries stops poor sad predators from being able to abuse them (I may have exaggerated that last point😁).

But it's not funny - it's unforgivable that they fail to safeguard children because transactivists insist on their right to access girls and women undressing and vulnerable. Children are intellectually and emotionally unable to navigate this adult ideology involving belief, delusions and fetish. Gaslighting them that sex change is possible and desirable is morally wrong.

But persistently asking is grooming.

Yes, it is using your position of power as an adult authority figure to repeatedly try to over-ride the child's natural defences. The groomer may think that they have good cause to do this, but it is still grooming. They are using the child to fulfil some need in themselves

This wasn’t stated in the original post which is what I was commenting to. I’m not reading a whole thread of 100+ posts, not enough time in this world!

I agree with the poster, if DC is upset by it, put in a complaint by all means. The teacher very clearly stepped over a line by continuing to question. Hopefully a complaint raises staff awareness in the school. Also agree that flying a flag in a classroom is very much unnecessary.

Hope you've been able to make contact with the school OP (no need to update if you don't want to).

I was thinking about how transactivists have been able to weaponise schools to bully parents out of safeguarding their children from age inappropriate gender identity beliefs. Safe Schools Alliance have an interesting piece about this by a parent. I noticed this comment from their MP:

"Whatever the government does or does not do, I have seen up close that parents across Britain really do need to watch out for ‘Progress Pride Flag’-flying schools, and ‘woke’ teachers who are so scared of their own shadow that they’d rather send children - young autistic girls in particular - on a damaging and irreversible path than engage critical thinking about the harm that their virtue signalling is doing"

The teacher in me is horrified at the failure of certain schools to engage in that critical thinking and due diligence. It's why it's so important that parents like the OP find the confidence to challenge schools about this.

Link to article here:
safeschoolsallianceuk.net/2025/07/16/are-schools-failing-gender-questioning-children/

Luckily you don’t need to. Click on See all OP’s posts & it will just bring those up.

You are correct. It has been obvious from the opening post that her mindset, particular belief system and parenting skills are based in reality and supportive of her daughter, which is as it should be.