Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Teacher asked DD how she IDs

161 replies

S1894PCohen · 01/10/2025 16:40

My DD is a tomboy - short hair and trousers all the way - but has always been very clear that she's a girl. While I respect how other people want to live their lives and their right to believe whatever bollocks they like, I don't do gender ideology and neither does she.
Ever since she's started secondary school, she's been asked by other kids if she's trans. It boils my piss and I've contacted the school about it but she tends to just tell people she's a girl and shrugs it off as she doesn't want to make a fuss.
However this week she was mistaken for a boy by a teacher. When she and her pals told her she was, in fact, a girl, the teacher took her aside at the end of the class and asked "how she identified" and if she'd "ever identified as anything other than a girl". DD says this teacher flies a pink and blue flag above her desk...
I am livid - it's bad enough DD gets this shit from other kids, let alone a teacher. I've no doubt the teacher thinks she's "being kind" but I feel her behaviour is steeped in reactionary gender stereotypes. I'm minded to complain - WWYD?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
finallygettingit · 01/10/2025 20:28

Its a great letter OP

maybe your DD also needs some snappy comebacks
difficult with a teacher who is in authority...maybe she could have said
'I already told you, I'm a girl'
'why are you asking me that? because I've got short hair? girls can have short hair...and wear trousers. Also, they can play football and rugby I've heard...imagine that!'

User1839474 · 01/10/2025 20:29

Sundaymorningplans · 01/10/2025 19:20

But what if the pals weren’t actually pals and daughter didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of them or was going all with their comments to save face ? It seems like the teacher didn’t know your daughter so wouldn’t know her friends

ultimately you have to follow up with school/ your daughter however works best for you and you daughter, and if you do feel strongly send an email - if you’re not sure it should be a complaint I suppose you could just feed it back that she felt uncomfortable

I’m not sure that the teacher was being purposefully upsetting from what I understand from your posts , but I hope you reach a conclusion that your daughters comfortable with

So it’s fine for the teacher to judge her identity based on her clothes and length of her hair? It’s ludicrous. People can wear what they like it’s 2025!

Iamtired123 · 01/10/2025 20:34

Definitely complain. I do think though that the teacher was coming from a good place, these people genuinely think they are on the right side of history and they don't realise just how regressive and sexist they are being.

BonfireLady · 01/10/2025 20:37

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 01/10/2025 19:06

@S1894PCohen - I would definitely complain. A teacher should not be initiating conversations with children about “identity,” still less suggesting to a child who is comfortable in her sex that she might be something else. That is not safeguarding, it’s grooming behaviour dressed up as kindness.

The Department for Education has been clear that schools may teach about gender identity, but must not present it as fact or encourage children to question their own sex. The Cass Review was explicit that reinforcing gender stereotypes risks harming children, especially girls who don’t conform to them.

If it were my child, I would send a formal safeguarding complaint to the Headteacher and the Designated Safeguarding Lead, asking:

  • Why a teacher was asking a child private questions about her “identity”;
  • What training this teacher has received and whether it is compliant with DfE and EHRC guidance;
  • What steps the school is taking to ensure staff do not promote contested ideology to children;
  • How they will ensure my child is not singled out again in this way.

Keep it polite but firm. Schools have a safeguarding duty, and the teacher’s actions here fall far outside what’s appropriate.

Something like....

Subject: Safeguarding concern, inappropriate questioning of my daughter

Dear (heads name, safeguarding head name)

I am writing to raise a formal safeguarding concern about an incident this week involving teacher X

My daughter, X, was mistaken for a boy in class. After clarifying that she is a girl, she was taken aside at the end of the lesson and asked by the teacher “how she identifies” and whether she had “ever identified as anything other than a girl.”

This is wholly inappropriate for several reasons:
• It is not the role of a teacher to raise such questions with a child.
• The Department for Education and the Cass Review have both been clear that gender identity is a contested belief, and must not be promoted in schools or presented as fact.
• Singling out a child in this way risks confusion, distress, and amounts to reinforcing gender stereotypes, which the Equality Act (2010) specifically prohibits.
• This is a safeguarding issue. No member of staff should be probing a child about their “identity” in private or encouraging them to question whether they are male or female.

I ask that the school urgently confirm:
1. What action will be taken to ensure this does not happen again.
2. What training staff have received on the teaching of sex and gender, and whether it complies with statutory guidance and the Cass Review.
3. What steps the school will take to protect my daughter from being singled out in this way again.

Please treat this as a formal safeguarding matter and respond in writing.

Yours sincerely,

Drop them an email and see what happens. That teacher has done it to other children......

That email is great.

Yes, raising it as a safeguarding concern is better than raising it as a complaint.

It absolutely is grooming. Schools can recognise this type of behaviour when it comes to county lines and religious extremism but appear to have a collective blind spot on what happens when a child is groomed into the belief that everyone has a gender identity. It's entirely possible that the teacher thinks this is a moral crusade and she/he is saving a child's life but the motivation for the grooming is immaterial when it's about leading a child down a pathway that can cause harm (religious cults like in Jonestown and Waco are good examples of why motivation is irrelevant where someone is at risk of harm).

One suggested tweak: when referring to stereotypes, it's worth adding the current RSE guidance (as per WeMeetIn..'s comment) as well as the Equality Act.

NImumconfused · 01/10/2025 20:42

I think I would also add in that the follow up questions were asked in front of other pupils, which opens your daughter up to further pressure or even bullying.

TempestTost · 01/10/2025 22:01

Personally I would make a complaint of sexism.

It's true the teacher was probably well meaning. But she needs to be brought up sharpish.

ADifferentUsername84 · 01/10/2025 22:37

Secondary teacher of 30 plus years here. This is definitely a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported. Senior management can have suspicions about a teacher behaving inappropriately but lack concrete evidence to act. A complaint from a parent can be exactly what they need. At best, the teacher has been naive and a gentle but firm word from a Senior Manager will help them to be a better teacher in future.
I often see parents on MN concerned that their child might be penalised at school if the parent complains. My experience is that, firstly, any complaints are dealt with on a strict need to know basis and, secondly, most teachers are proud professionals who would never let their opinions (good or bad) of a parent shape their relationship with a pupil.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 01/10/2025 22:53

Sundaymorningplans · 01/10/2025 19:20

But what if the pals weren’t actually pals and daughter didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of them or was going all with their comments to save face ? It seems like the teacher didn’t know your daughter so wouldn’t know her friends

ultimately you have to follow up with school/ your daughter however works best for you and you daughter, and if you do feel strongly send an email - if you’re not sure it should be a complaint I suppose you could just feed it back that she felt uncomfortable

I’m not sure that the teacher was being purposefully upsetting from what I understand from your posts , but I hope you reach a conclusion that your daughters comfortable with

Its not about the daughter 'finding it upsetting' (which suggests you think that she's being over sensitive). The point is teachers are not supposed to question pupils about their gender identity.

There are guidelines about not pushing / promoting this ideology to kids.

You are missing the point.

The teacher is not 'being kind' they are failing at safeguarding.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 01/10/2025 23:00

ADifferentUsername84 · 01/10/2025 22:37

Secondary teacher of 30 plus years here. This is definitely a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported. Senior management can have suspicions about a teacher behaving inappropriately but lack concrete evidence to act. A complaint from a parent can be exactly what they need. At best, the teacher has been naive and a gentle but firm word from a Senior Manager will help them to be a better teacher in future.
I often see parents on MN concerned that their child might be penalised at school if the parent complains. My experience is that, firstly, any complaints are dealt with on a strict need to know basis and, secondly, most teachers are proud professionals who would never let their opinions (good or bad) of a parent shape their relationship with a pupil.

Thanks so much for this important view point

S1894PCohen · 02/10/2025 07:19

Thanks for all your replies - some very helpful information here. I'll keep you posted.

OP posts:
S1894PCohen · 02/10/2025 07:41

Sundaymorningplans · 01/10/2025 19:20

But what if the pals weren’t actually pals and daughter didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of them or was going all with their comments to save face ? It seems like the teacher didn’t know your daughter so wouldn’t know her friends

ultimately you have to follow up with school/ your daughter however works best for you and you daughter, and if you do feel strongly send an email - if you’re not sure it should be a complaint I suppose you could just feed it back that she felt uncomfortable

I’m not sure that the teacher was being purposefully upsetting from what I understand from your posts , but I hope you reach a conclusion that your daughters comfortable with

Do you mean that because DD has short hair and trousers, it's reasonable for the teacher to assume she was being coerced by the other kids into hiding her "true gender ID" or that she was only "pretending" to be a girl to save face? Because I think that would be a huge and very worrying leap on her part.

OP posts:
Kucinghitam · 02/10/2025 09:52

From an ideological POV that one must instantly and unquestioningly accept everybody's declared identity else it's erasing their existence and committing literal violence, it is astonishing* to me that BeKinders suddenly can't accept somebody's declared identity and feel justified in constantly poking, prodding and demanding a different answer when the shoe is not on the Righteous foot Hmm

*Not astonishing

Shortshriftandlethal · 02/10/2025 10:06

I was walking down a busy city street last week and I overheard two young women talking about a third. They said: " where has all her hair gone....she's such a boy".

Steerotyping and conformity with sexist stereotypes has gone into hyperdrive since the 1980s I'd say, but made so much worse by 'gender identity' nonsense.

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 10:11

S1894PCohen · 01/10/2025 16:57

DD was actually mortified. She shrugs off other kids' nonsense but it's different coming from a teacher. It was said in front of another kid too!

I feel I need a 😱 emoji here. Having held my DD’s hand through 7 years of trans IDing and subsequent desisting… I wish I’d been more on top of staff/incidents like this when she was at school. It’s taken her years to regroup and move on.

I’m afraid, knowing what I know now, I’d be emailing the HT immediately and mentioning that you feel it might need to be placed before the Board of Governors given the Cass Report and current UK government guidance. That this teacher embarrassed your DD is unforgivable.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 02/10/2025 10:16

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 10:11

I feel I need a 😱 emoji here. Having held my DD’s hand through 7 years of trans IDing and subsequent desisting… I wish I’d been more on top of staff/incidents like this when she was at school. It’s taken her years to regroup and move on.

I’m afraid, knowing what I know now, I’d be emailing the HT immediately and mentioning that you feel it might need to be placed before the Board of Governors given the Cass Report and current UK government guidance. That this teacher embarrassed your DD is unforgivable.

there is no way this is NOT a case for the governors, none at all

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 10:25

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 02/10/2025 10:16

there is no way this is NOT a case for the governors, none at all

I agree - but many schools procedures insist you go through the motions of ‘speaking to the HT’ first before contact the BoGs. Bloody frustrating, but my tactic in these issues is to CC the BoG’s when I email the HT. Has always succeeded in lighting a fire under their arses in these matters!

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 02/10/2025 10:26

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 10:25

I agree - but many schools procedures insist you go through the motions of ‘speaking to the HT’ first before contact the BoGs. Bloody frustrating, but my tactic in these issues is to CC the BoG’s when I email the HT. Has always succeeded in lighting a fire under their arses in these matters!

Oh yes absolutely, you message them, they do bugger all, you escalate it to stage 2 or whatever it's called, which is governors, go from there!!

BonfireLady · 02/10/2025 20:30

Thinking this through a bit more OP, I think it would be helpful to decide which path you would prefer to take as each would likely involve a different process:

  • if you want to raise a safeguarding concern specifically about an individual, it's likely that you would need to raise this straight to the Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) rather than via the school's complaints process. You'd need to check the school's complaints policy but I believe this is standard practice
  • if you're raising it as a complaint about a teacher's conduct (lack of adherence to KCSIE, RSE guidance etc), rather than a safeguarding allegation/concern about the teacher, the complaints process will get you to the governors if it doesn't get resolved at an earlier stage. If this route fits best, hopefully, as an outcome of your complaint, the school would agree with you that the teacher has failed to follow safeguarding and RSE legislation and will address it.

If you're clear on which path fits your circumstances best, that will hopefully help you to avoid getting stuck in a systematic vacuum.

When I raised a concern to the Head, it was at a whole school level and not about a teacher, so my circumstances were different. (In short, some of the school's practices are non-compliant with safeguarding legislation and it manages parents who are concerned about their child being gender questioning as potential domestic abusers who are imposing their own belief values on their child). In my case, I initially approached the school to ask them how I should raise my concern, because it listed safeguarding matters as complaints process exemptions... Fast forward to the exhausting end of a very long journey and it turned out to be Shrodinger's complaints process, where the issue was both exempt from the school complaints process and had also apparently been correctly managed (as a complaint) under the school's complaints process. The net result being that there was apparently nothing to see here. FFS.

In a circumstance where a teacher is allowed to have flags and there hasn't been a top down safeguarding process which makes it clear to teachers why you wouldn't ask a child if they are sure they identify as their sex, it sounds like the school itself is failing to have an adequate safeguarding approach. Hopefully you'll find that this failure results from ignorance on the Head/DSL's part, rather than activism, and that if you decide the best route is to bring it to the Head's attention, it gets taken seriously and addressed.

ThisPeppyGreenCritic · 03/10/2025 07:09

S1894PCohen · 01/10/2025 16:40

My DD is a tomboy - short hair and trousers all the way - but has always been very clear that she's a girl. While I respect how other people want to live their lives and their right to believe whatever bollocks they like, I don't do gender ideology and neither does she.
Ever since she's started secondary school, she's been asked by other kids if she's trans. It boils my piss and I've contacted the school about it but she tends to just tell people she's a girl and shrugs it off as she doesn't want to make a fuss.
However this week she was mistaken for a boy by a teacher. When she and her pals told her she was, in fact, a girl, the teacher took her aside at the end of the class and asked "how she identified" and if she'd "ever identified as anything other than a girl". DD says this teacher flies a pink and blue flag above her desk...
I am livid - it's bad enough DD gets this shit from other kids, let alone a teacher. I've no doubt the teacher thinks she's "being kind" but I feel her behaviour is steeped in reactionary gender stereotypes. I'm minded to complain - WWYD?

"While I respect how other people want to live their lives and their right to believe whatever bollocks they like"

Now I'd like you to read this quoted statement back to yourself, slowly and repeatedly if needed, and consider if there might just be the teeniest little flaw here...

GoBackToTheStart · 03/10/2025 07:57

I’d suggest Op’s statement is entirely fine unless you’re particularly hard of thinking, and perhaps the teacher should be reading the statutory guidance back to herself, slowly and repeatedly, instead.

Lanva · 03/10/2025 08:10

This happened to my niece. To be honest it seemed to me exactly the kind of gender policing I was subjected to at school years ago, but dressed up with a new flag.

She's just a girl with short hair, but wow, nobody could relax about it at all. Really persistent questioning, bringing it up all the time, sometimes just straight up declaring her as trans. Very rigid, conservative thinking, ironically identifying as liberal.

Why can't everyone just calm down about hairdos.

bristolasinsurance · 03/10/2025 08:10

S1894PCohen · 01/10/2025 17:22

OK, but she'd already "misgendered" DD by calling her a boy and she'd been put right. It should have been left there.
She's not the first teacher to have mistaken DD for a boy but she is the first to have subjected her to further questioning about her gender ID instead of just accepting she got it wrong.

I wonder if the teacher actually thought your DD was biologically male, or if she was in fact fully aware that your DD is female but assumed she was trans.

Even if you put the genderwoo nonsense to one side, ot is shocking that she asked your DD such an inappropriate question based on regressive stereotypes. Would she publicly ask a young male student if he was gay on the basis that he was auditioning for the college musical? Wrong on so many fronts.

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2025 08:14

InTheWellBeing · 01/10/2025 17:18

My DD is a tomboy - short hair and trousers all the way - but has always been very clear that she's a girl.

What do you mean by “has always been very clear that she's a girl”?

Other than being a biological female what does she do to make it clear?

People question them as you have seen by this thread as the mother of a long haired boy its ridiculous he has to constantly reiterate he is a boy but he has had to do that for years he doesn't even look feminine he just looks like a boy with long hair

It's pathetic

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2025 08:16

ThisPeppyGreenCritic · 03/10/2025 07:09

"While I respect how other people want to live their lives and their right to believe whatever bollocks they like"

Now I'd like you to read this quoted statement back to yourself, slowly and repeatedly if needed, and consider if there might just be the teeniest little flaw here...

You dont get to push your ideology onto children how many times no means no

EmpressaurusKitty · 03/10/2025 08:25

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2025 08:14

People question them as you have seen by this thread as the mother of a long haired boy its ridiculous he has to constantly reiterate he is a boy but he has had to do that for years he doesn't even look feminine he just looks like a boy with long hair

It's pathetic

And this is why the whole stupid gender thing is just perpetuating harmful old fashioned stereotypes. There’s absolutely no reason why a girl shouldn’t have short hair & a boy shouldn’t have long.