I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

I do understand that but I do believe a lot of ASD people are told oh you feel different are you sure you are in the right body whereas having ASD does make you feel different, and that isn't really discussed with ASD people and it should be.

This. It sounds like there are a lot of issues to unpick that you need help with. "Changing gender" is not the answer - nor is it possible.

Sympathy and good luck from me xx

It’s perfectly ok to be a sensitive, intelligent autistic man who likes to style himself in a feminine way. Without having to “identify” as a different gender. Without undergoing the trauma of hormones or reassignment surgery.

None of this is necessary- it simply adds more trauma, confusion and distress. It’s perfectly fine to be you in a male body presenting any which way you like. Wishing you’d been born taller, smaller, different colour, female etc - doesn’t make it true. Nor does it help to pretend it’s true.

What about falsifying his documents, forcing himself into female spaces sounds and expecting others to lie about his sex ‘sounds lovely’?

Sorry for your situation but not a single thing you’ve described make you a woman. You’re not and never will be. The one thing that comes from your post is that you have loads of mother issues and need a lot of therapy

I think you would be best off dedicating energy to the mental health issues. I don't think I've ever heard a trans story that doesn't include many mental health difficulties and I do wonder what came first.

He’s young, traumatised, possibly gay neurodivergent and living in a world that force-feeds autistic people the narrative that they must be trans.

He sounds to me like a sensitive, flawed person open to listening and change.

I think you are a man who isn't stereotypically macho. You're not alone there, far from it, but that does not make you a woman. However if you want to call yourself a woman I have no problem with that, would be happy to call you, "Sue", or whatever you chose and defend your right to do so. I believe in living and letting live.

I note that you are respectful and sensitive to the needs and fears of woman and that is very good, it means no woman need fear you invading their space.

However you may come across difficulties on that score, eg are you happy to use a gents' loo or changing room?

Being autistic, and your posts indicate you are on the spectrum but not 'very', eg you have Asperger's, does not affect your gender. It does, as you have discovered, affect relationships and inter-personal skills.

I wish you peace and good luck but please don't resort to hormones and surgery, you might regret that. Many people like yourself marry and have children; that may not be on the cards for you right now and may never be but don't do anything drastic. If you met the right person you'd be glad you held off from gender reassignment which is very drastic.

I’m sorry for the issues you’ve had and it sounds like you had a difficult childhood and difficult relationship with your mum, and you don’t mention a Dad at all?

But you’re still not a woman and you never will be. Painting your nails and dyeing your hair does not make you a woman and I think you need to explore why you think men can’t do those things.

There nothing wrong with being a feminine guy and there’s nothing wrong with being gay (although I appreciate you say you’re not).

I hope you can find the right support to help you accept yourself for who you are and the kind of man you want to be.

Nobody here hates you or hates trans people, we just stand up for the rights of women

Hmm. I'm not going to empathise because as a PP said, it's all gone a bit female socialisation in here. And I can't be sure that you haven't posted in the hope of eliciting women's posts about their abuse and oppression at the hands of men. Of which you're one, and always will be no matter what's inside your head or what you do to your body.

Women are not homogenous. One of the few things we have in common is our oppression by males and by male privilege. Men who understand their privilege are vanishingly rare (and don't tend to post screeds of "mememe look at me listen to my story" on a female dominated talk board).

Live the life you want in peace, just stay out of female only spaces. As you have unfortunately found, some males are shits. That's why some of us don't want any of them in our spaces.

And don't call us "cis".

I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life.

But you are nothing like 'any other woman'. The ways in which you can live like a woman are the exact same ways men and women live similarly - working, paying bills, socialising with friends, going shopping, cooking, self care, getting dressed etc.

Those are people things; human things.

Women don't have to try to be women or become women or live like women. We just are women.

If you feel more comfortable approaching life by adopting feminine stereotypes, fair enough. But that does not make you a woman or less of a person.

You're just not a woman 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I hope you read my earlier message to you. Think of this as tough love from a fellow man.
As pp have highlighted, taking these chemicals will damage you, FACT. It will be a slow uncomfortable deterioration. You will not function as either a woman or as a man. It will become more difficult even to be human. You will probably be so miserable and ill.
Leave most of the internet before the theories you are finding there destroy you.
Think how your Mother would feel if she had to watch that happen.

Op, kindly, our bodies are just vessels we are in as we journey through this life. Long hair, short hair, nails painted or not, it makes no difference. Our bodies are not who we are. There is a whole world out there to be explored, places to go, people to meet, different viewpoints on every subject to come across. Staying “in your head” and ruminating with your thoughts does not make anyone happy. Engage with the world (as a feminine male), start doing activities you enjoy. Appreciate your physical health. Take steps to start building a life for yourself.

You say that your degree hasn’t been much use to you but I think that if we’re all realistic we know that many employers will reject a trans candidate, usually under some other pretext, because they fear there will be some difficulties either with the person or with other staff, whether that is justified or not. If you’re honest with yourself is this a form of self sabotage to protect yourself from failing as an adult? You say you’re Asexual but are you really or again is it something you’re telling yourself to protect yourself from rejection from potential partners?

@ninjahamster Have you seen any ‘anti-trans’ replies in this thread?

It's clear that you have carried a lot of difficulty over the years with feeling different, being neurodivergent and trying to find your place socially, and then layering gender feelings on top of that. That is a heavy load for anyone to carry and you have put much thought and energy into trying to understand yourself.

I do not see you as a woman. That does not mean I dismiss what you have said.

Your distress, your dysphoria, your grief about relationships, and the effort of living as neurodivergent in a world that often misunderstands difference are all very real. Those things deserve compassion.

Wanting safety, connection and an ordinary life is completely human whatever words we use for identity. I hope you are able to keep finding people who can see the whole of you, not just one part.

@SnugPeach I'm sorry about yout experiences being bullied at school, and losing your mum at quite a young age.

To me you come across as a young, neuro-divergent, gay man who has not learned to accept himself for who he is. You could really do with some therapy from a reputable therapist who will help you explore your feelings without affirming your gender dysphoria or pushing you towards medicalisation.

I have no idea what it is you think you are identifying with or why you think it has anything to do with being a woman, however. Lots of men and boys prefer female company. It doesn't make them women.

It will certainly be interesting to see if he is open to listening. But none of that makes him lovely if he supports the destruction of women’s rights.

OP reads to me as a description of a decent man who's been dealt some bad cards in various ways. a woman is just a different thing to the person described in the OP, neither better nor worse.

It's interesting that so many autistic people now are identifying as transgender. I understand that it might be driven by a difficulty in relating to and fitting in with a NT world and feeling "different", and the mistaken belief that the problem is your sex and if you could only change this, or convince people that you have, then the world would make more sense. But I thought that people with autism also tend to have very black and white thinking, often based on pure "logic" and truth ('She asked me if she looked fat, why is she offended that I said yes? She did!'). I'd think that wasn't very compatible with the idea that men can be women and material reality is false if someone says it is.

I'm no expert on autism (obviously). It is worrying that services don't seem to be fighting this falsehood though. It doesn't help vulnerable autistic people to sell this falsehood to them and encourage messing with their bodies, and doesn't it also further endanger vulnerable autistic girls who are now given even more reason to expect and validate and not challenge men in their spaces?

There is an American man on TikTok who identified as a trans woman for a while but has accepted he is just a feminine man. He has long hair and wears a bit of make up. He says he is much happier now. I can't remember his name though.

OP, you’re getting a lot of sympathetic and useful advice here. Do please listen and take action. Don’t waste your life trying to turn a delusion into reality, because that will never succeed, so you are endlessly disappointing yourself.

I think a major problem is that you don’t work, and spend your time like a teenager, endlessly obsessing about yourself. It’s incredibly unhealthy.

Please break this unhealthy, harmful cycle of inactivity and introspection. Look for some kind of work that interests you. But if you can’t find that, take any job you can do. You need to fill your time with something useful (earning a living), and to have things to think of beyond yourself.

I’m sure we’ve all faced problems, hostility and disappointment in our lives. Endlessly ruminating on them doesn’t help. Longing for something impossible prevents you finding pleasure in what is possible: friendship, useful work, interests and hobbies, volunteering for a good cause, being outdoors in nature, physical activity to burn off pent-up energy and get fit, discovering and exploring new interests, doing things for other people who need help.

I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness and a good purpose in life.

Oh goodness OP you have had a rough time of it. Can you see that your issues with your gender stem from the fact that your male peers rejected you and bullied you from an early age. This isn't because you are in the wrong body or are really a woman or somesuch. It's because they are judgmental losers, basically. You should never have had to feel that way, they have damaged you massively. Of course not all men are into rugby or train sets or whatever it is that males are supposed to be into. It doesn't make you less of a man because you aren't into those things, or if you are more caring and sensitive in your nature.

Please, please do not use hormones or have surgery, they actually won't put right what you perceive as being wrong with you. You were never wrong in the first place, you are as you are meant to be. My best advice to you is to learn to embrace and love yourself for who you are, not who you think you ought to be. Otherwise those dreadful bullies will have ruined your life, don't give them that power.

Mums net isn’t anti trans. at all
It is simply women freely expressing opinions were we will ordinarily demur to unpopular opinions

Autism, mental health issues and a difficult childhood. The classic recipe for the majority with gender issues.

You need help for your MH and your autism. You need therapy to help you deal with your past. Putting on womanface, and this demeaning all biological women by parodying them, isn't going to help. You are a man and you need to find your way through life as the sex you are. Good luck.