I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

I am sorry for the tough time you've had and you deserve to live well and be happy. But you are not a woman. You are a gender non confirming man; in other words, a man who doesn't like or do the things typically associated with men. "The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things..." "I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff..."

But woman is not something you do, it is something you physically are. There are zillions of men and women who don't do typically man or woman things (all of us, at some point, nobody embodies every stereotype all of the time) but what categorises all the men is that they're male and the women, that they're female. You do not share a woman category because not all women have this woman feeling that you claim to have, that you should have been born female; indeed, that feeling can only be had by a man. And we are entitled to intimate, safe and lesbian spaces away from men. We are human females with our own needs and essential protections. We are not tools for you to soothe your dysphoria. Some women may be happy to act as such but they can't consent for the rest of us. And once we let in some men because they say they're women, we have to let in all men who say they're women, and we have been physically attacked and destabilised and forced out of our own spaces and sports as a result.

We are saying no. You are important as a human but you are not more important than we are. We matter too. And your wish to have all your environments adapt to your self image is not more important than our absolute material reality and our rights and needs based upon it. It isn't true and we are not obliged to pretend that it is, to our detriment and danger. You can use the men's or a unisex space but you cannot use women's spaces because you are not a woman. It's the same rule as everyone else.

I'm sorry you can't have everything you want, but if you really were a woman, that would be one of the first things you'd learn.

This is very much a result of Autism, this need to feel that the whole world needs to know your story and then an incredibly self-absorbed story.

It's rather self-aggrandising, not unique and won't change any minds.

I'm sorry the analysis is a bit brutal.

Sadly pretty much every autistic organisation is completely captured by gender ideology. They are also infected by the idea that everything you feel or want to do is a sign of your authentic autism and not following your impulses is ‘masking’.

I don't believe that anyone here believes that you are less of a person. I believe that you are deserving of care, compassion and respect.

However, I am an autistic person in her late 30s and I am convinced that I would have gone down the "gender affirming care" route if being trans was a thing when I was at secondary school. The feeling of being out of place, of not belonging anywhere was so overwhelming and acutely distressing and yes, my developing body was central to all of that. Sitting here right now I am so glad that I left school when I did because if I had gone down that route I would have made such a big mistake.

I have a friend, also autistic, who has gone down the gender affirming care route and is still suffering just as much with their mental health as they were when we were teenagers. I will say the same to you as I have said to them: please think more widely on this than gender identity being the root of all of your issues.

I'm sorry for your struggles, but I do not appreciate men trying to colonise womanhood. Every single person on this planet was created and born from a woman, every single one - we deserve our own language and recognition seperate from males and I have no respect for men who think their own personal 'identity' should override that.

You misunderstand us OP. Most people would show some empathy to anyone going through what you have, irrespective of the Trans part. But we do not need to be educated on what it means to be Trans. We just want males to stay out of female single sex spaces and for children to not be medicalised and mutilated.
Humans can not change sex and when it matters, the sexes need to be separated. It’s never been about Trans. It’s all about being male.

I think it's genuine, with a rawness and vulnerability that wouldn't be in even a subtly goading post.

Maybe I'm misreading this but I feel like his post is, in part, an expression of bereavement grief. He had a lot of simmering tension with his mum over his trans identification and trans beliefs. Talking to a forum of like-minded women might feel like a way of resolving this.

Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I am sure you will get lots of negativity so I wanted to commend you for showing us how it can feel going through stuff like this. I don’t engage on the issues but I see a fellow human who is struggling at life and I feel so sorry for you. I hope things work out for you and that in a few years you can put your struggles behind you. You seem very resilient! Sending hugs your way.

This is very much another drive-by thread, OP posts an essay, and then never posts ever again.

What do you mean by 'autism again'?

Was that sarcasm necessary?

This

Womanhood isn't a dumping ground for unhappy (or horny) men.

I wish you no ill will and hope you have found happiness and peace and continue to do so.

We all have to find our own ways of living on the world.and our own paths.

But you are not a woman. That's not hateful, it's just a fact.

That's a lot of words to explain how you're a feminine autistic man who grew up in a homophobic world and believe that identifying as a woman will make you happier. It might make you happier. But you're still a man. I appreciate you've come here to share your experience but you must know that we are all extremely familiar with stories like yours - we don't suffer from a lack of imagination or empathy, we know why people like you cling to a trans identity. But you're still not a woman.

I could have said it better.

I meant I couldn’t sorry! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life.

With respect OP that line, right there, proves you have been sold a pup. What does it even mean? We, like men, are all individuals getting on with our lives so the thinking that if you do this, that, or whatever, then that will make you "like every other woman", is nonsense. Growing breasts, your hair, painting your nails, etc won't make you happier because no matter how much you want to you will never be one and when that realisation comes then your feelings of self loathing will worsen. Instead of trying to achieve an impossible dream, seek therapy to help you unpack why you hate yourself so much, because the road your walking down will only lead to more angst.

I would say that you’ve had a rough ride, particularly through school. The reason for it is that is bullies. You could have found that if you had been born a girl, you could have also been bullied - just a slightly different form of bullying for a slightly different reason. Many girls have the absolute shit bullied out of them if they are in any way slightly different. I would say the bullying is the root of all the problems that you have struggled with - such as anxiety etc and is the thing that has led you to your current despair.

I mean this kindly, but I don’t think hormones will help you. I am the mum of adults and have seen a lot of young people over the years. What will help you is the following (and yes it sounds basic/cliched, but it is true). Getting into places that are green/natural. Exercise by walking/hiking/anything that interests you. Eating as cleanly as you can and drinking water. Nurturing the body that you have by not taking hormones of any kind. Your body is a male body - you can present it how you like, but it’s crucial not to damage it.

The bottom line is that people and society in general can be shockingly cruel. I would attribute most of your difficulties to sustained bullying. And I would also say that you can do whatever you want, have your hair however you want etc - if you are a feminine male, then so be it. Wear nail varnish if you want, have long hair. But hormones will hurt your body. And changing gender will not change the bullying that has gone on.

I don’t want you to feel worse having read this. I want you to look after yourself.

A man cannot live 'as a woman' though, only women can do that. A man can only live as his stereotype or even caricature of a woman.

”Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?”

OP, as others have already pointed out, the “ruling” you refer to was a clarification of the law. It did not change the law. You were already expected to have been abiding by that law.

Maybe you need to look closely at the groups who led you to believe that you should access provisions that you should be excluded from and work out why they did that.

The issue is that you believed a group of people and organisations who told you falsehoods about the law and what you should expect from society.

Have you thought about just how the FWS Supreme Court judgment directly impacts you? It is only going to impact you in accessing provisions that are for female people when you are a male person. I think you understand well that you are a male person, so where is this judgement impacting you?

Have you fallen into a space where groups and people have told you that you need to be terrified? What are you terrified of though? That is the key question.

”I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life.”

But you are not female and you seem to acknowledge that you are not. That is your reality and therefore it will not change whatever anyone’s view on it is.

“Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person.”

People should not be viewing you as less of a person, ever. However, all through life we will come up against situations where we are not desired. There is no obligation in life for anyone to desire our presence in their life space, either for that moment or in the form that we want/ or are to be there in. That doesn’t mean that we are less of a person though. For relevance, female people are perfectly free to say ‘no’ to a male person’s presence in their life.

Pleading with women will not make any difference as to whether a male person can ever be a woman. It is just not possible, no matter what anyone else says.

I am very sorry to hear about your Mum. Her death must be a huge loss to you.

I also have a (male-born) DC with autism who decided to transition in his (or her, depending how you look at it!) twenties and started taking hormone suppressants and cross-sex hormones. I didn't know DC had any trans feelings at all until DC said he was about to start taking hormones (originally via GenderGP, this was a couple of years before they went belly-up) I wouldn't say that I have positively supported my DC's transition as I don't think it's a healthy option but DC didn't ask my opinion and my DC is doing fairly well at the moment. But oestrogen does have weird psychological effects and my DC is taking mood stabilisers now which they didn't need before.

I am GC myself so you can imagine it's been a bit of a mind-fuck! I want my DC to be well and happy. But I wouldn't share a women-only space with DC and I wouldn't expect other women to do that either. Andas far as I know DC doesn't want to, DC just wants spaces where they can feel safe and welcome.

So I was very concerned with the Supreme Court decision. I listened to the case online and I read the judgment and listened to some legal seminars about it. And what I learned was that the judgment isn't as bad for trans people as the press and many of the activists have made out. It is true that the law is not as simple as "you're trans so you can just choose to use same-sex or opposite-sex spaces and services". But most places will have to provide spaces and services suitable for trans people as well, and there are other legal protections under both sex discrimination and gender reassignment discrimination laws that DC can use if they need to. There may well be some women-only spaces and services that DC can't use but there will also be queer-friendly mixed-sex-and-gender spaces that will be safe and welcoming for DC and for DC's friends. So I'm not so worried about the consequences for my own DC or for you. It will be OK.

I'm glad you are getting therapy. It's a good idea to focus on other areas of your life as well as the tricky questions of sex and gender. My DC is still very much the same person whatever sex he (or she!) is! And having other interests that take you out of yourself is very healthy. I don't think who you are is an offence. There is definitely space for sensitive and feminine men in the world, and also for androgynous people, and for people who don't fit a label, and there are people who appreciate that. But it can be hard to find that space and those people. And it often takes people with autism longer than other people to find themselves and the spaces that work for them. Take time to work out who you are and what you want.

In a patriarchal world full of shitty, oppressive men, of course a sensitive, ‘feminine’ man doesn’t feel at home in the male box.

In order for the world to change and improve, OP, we need to break down those boxes. You’re not a woman — what you can be is an amazing man who changes what it means to be male.

You are you. And you sound lovely — I’m gutted for all the pain you’ve been through. You’re not a woman and that’s ok x

You wish you were a woman and don’t want to be a man. Well unfortunately for you, you were born with male anatomy and therefore you are male and always will be. Sure you can have surgery but that doesn’t change the fact that you are a male. Long hair, painted nails and ‘jumpers from the women section’ does not make you a biological woman.

You say you ‘viewed most of the boys as idiots and buffoons’. Try looking in the mirror and listen to yourself.

Because autistic organisations pretty much funnel autistic individuals towards trans ideology these days.