I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

Yep, still a man though.

Yes fully agree housework isn’t female. I was just referencing the stereotype

What’s female socialisation?

It sounds like you have been on quite an arduous journey. What it is about being a woman that pulls you?

I am sorry op, you have had a difficult childhood and adolescence, and the theme running through your post is your confusion and alienation and loneliness from other people.

I think your autism has been a major factor, you have clearly not had much support fromother people explaining to you how you can navigate the world with autism, and I can understand how you are searching for something that explains your feelings.

I think twenty years ago you would have accepted that you were a gay man and lived your life accordingly, unfortunately for you you have grown up at a time when the trans lifestyle is pushed and flaunted as the only way people who are confused about their sexuality can proceed.

I hope you find someone who loves you for who you are and helps you to realise that.

Being a TIM will probably not help you feel better about yourself, because that will only be adding another layer of confusion into your life. You are a man , and will always be a man, take the positives from that and build on who you are, not an elusive idea that can never be real.

Amazing post - I think this sums up EXACTLY what being a woman is, and the lifelong biological and social implications of being a woman.

You have had a lot going on: your relationship with your mum and her illness, feelings of not fitting in or being accepted by other boys, navigating puberty and teenage years as an autistic person. You owe it to yourself to find out whether it’s possible that some of these factors are behind your unhappiness, because these can’t be fixed by taking cross sex hormones.

I recently heard a terrific podcast by someone who like you had started to transition. In it he talks about his experience of trauma, how he felt like he didn’t fit in or belong anywhere and changing gender identity seemed almost like the logical thing to do. Might be worth a listen to see if anything in their experience resonates with you?

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/beyond-gender/id1795722610?i=1000720622439

People can empathise with you as a person, but that doesn't mean women don't need their own biological sex recognised...it's not a feeling that anyone can opt into, it's a biological reality that has meant millennia of danger and oppression for women throughout history, and that we are still battling today.

You are who you are, and that's valid, and you have trauma, and that is painful. But the same mainstream arguments against 'transracialism' and the harm that would cause also apply here.

Maybe try not lying, @ninjahamster . Being anti male (in female spaces) is NOT the same as 'anti trans'. You are very anti female.

Op, you sound quite like one of my sons. Autistic, trying to work out why they don't fit in a stereotypically male environment, realising that girls are more accommodating and prone to saying things like "we see you as one of the girls", which led to him thinking being a girl would be easier, socially.

Op, many of us are parents just like your mum who are here because we've got the life experience to know that pursuing the next change and then the next one is an exercise in futility and we don't want that for you or our own children. Some of us have taken a long time to find where we got as women who may have come to the same conclusions as you if we'd been born 20 years later.

Op I'm not sure you'll be back but I would like to gently ask what you mean by asexual and whether you are taking ssri's? There is a growing link between SSRI's and young people who feel they don't want sex.
I would guess that you probably do want a loving relationship and more body modification is going to foreclose on a lot of your options.

Perfect answer.

Yeah it probably sucks to be you.
That’s a shame.
Just stay out of women’s spaces and stuff though, yeah?

ChatGPT: Write me an essay about a life story of being trans and autistic:

From an early age, I knew I was different, though I couldn’t have explained how. The world seemed full of hidden rules that everyone else seemed to understand instinctively—how to talk, when to smile, what to say when someone asked a question they didn’t really want answered. I would practice conversations in my head, preparing scripts for every possible situation, but no matter how carefully I planned, something always slipped through the cracks. I would be called “weird” or “awkward,” and eventually I stopped trying to fit in the way others expected.
At the same time, I was carrying another truth that was even harder to name. When people used my given name or referred to me as a girl, I felt a sharp disconnect, like a piece of clothing that didn’t fit no matter how I adjusted it. I thought maybe everyone felt that way, that growing up meant learning to live with discomfort. But when I discovered the word “transgender,” a light flickered inside me. I realized there was language for what I had always felt: I wasn’t broken, I was simply myself.

Being autistic and trans meant moving through the world with double layers of misunderstanding. Doctors and teachers often dismissed my insistence about gender as “a phase” or “a special interest.” Friends accused me of being “too intense” when I tried to explain my identity. Even in queer spaces, I sometimes felt out of place, struggling to keep up with conversations full of subtext and unspoken social cues.

Yet, there were moments of clarity that made all the confusion worth it. The first time someone used my correct pronouns, I felt a grounding sense of recognition I had never experienced before. The first time I looked in the mirror after a haircut that matched how I saw myself, I finally understood what it meant to feel at home in my own body. These milestones were small to others, but for me, they were profound victories.

Autism gave me a way of noticing patterns that others overlooked, and that became a strength in my transition. I could analyze the ways gender norms operated around me, pick apart their inconsistencies, and imagine a life beyond them. My tendency to pursue my passions with intensity gave me the determination to advocate for myself, even when it was exhausting. What others saw as stubbornness, I saw as survival.

Of course, the journey hasn’t been easy. There are still days when I feel like I’m speaking a language no one else understands, where the intersection of being trans and autistic makes me feel invisible in both communities. But there are also days of connection—when I meet another autistic trans person, when we share our stories without needing to explain the basics, when we laugh at how similar our paths have been despite never meeting before.

Living as a trans autistic person has taught me resilience, but more importantly, it has taught me the beauty of authenticity. My life is not about choosing between labels or fitting into neat categories. It is about embracing complexity and creating a space where I can exist fully as myself.

In the end, my story is not just about struggle, but about self-discovery. I have learned that being different does not mean being lesser. It means carving out a path that is uniquely mine, one step at a time. And while the world may not always understand me, I am learning to understand myself—and that is enough.

There are men who have a strong feminine side.
That's you.

I don't know what you mean by DIYing but assume you mean you're using HRT bought online somehow ( is this available through trans contacts?) - it's hard for women to buy HRT online because the online pharmacies ask questions. But, what do I know?

I am going to query if you are dyslexic (have you had a formal assessment?) because having assessed and taught dyslexics for years, your post doesn't show any signs of it- unless you've written it all as a Word doc and used spellcheck, or you've asked ChatGPT to write it for you.

You cannot be a woman but somehow you can learn to live as a more feminine man.

One point you ay find helpful. Sons of women who have breast cancer (especially at a young age) are more at risk of prostate cancer . Make sure you get checked out for this once you reach screening age, which they are trying to bring down to 40.

All the best.

That we should ‘be kind’. Being nice to men who invade our spaces and parody our sex. It is also the fourth response to threat - flight, fight, freeze and fawn. Fawning to men to try and reduce the threat they present is so instinctive many women do not recognise when they are doing it.

Unfortunately society ascribes certain characteristics to males and females. If you don’t act a certain way then you are made to feel weird, odd or different. It is this ‘othering’ that made you believe you weren’t acceptable as you are and so you started to look for an explanation. Asexual, femboy… trans. The truth is, you are simply you. A person. It doesn’t matter what appendage you have, or what label you ascribe yourself. You’re unhappy because of years of feeling like a loner and your trans label gives you comfort because you’re able to ‘explain’ the way you are.

The label means nothing though. And what you really need to do is work through your discomfort and realise that a label isn’t going to help you accept yourself. I hope you get the help you need and are able to live a happy and fulfilling life as yourself.

@SnugPeach you posted your story over 3 hours ago and have had 150 replies so far. Obviously you can't reply to each one individually but do you have any intention of engaging in any kind of dialogue or was this just another drive-by with no intention of trying to understand what anyone else thinks? You arrived calling us a wolves den, clearly having believed other people's propaganda about what we think of you. We get people plopping into mumsnet with one-post drive-bys to tell us how wrong we are, on the basis of that propaganda, all the time. There will only be progress if you hang around long enough to listen to the replies, and post giving some indication that you are absorbing the information.

no such thing as trans

Female wolves = bitches. Just in case anyone was in any doubt

OP it's not a great discussion or AMA if you just kinda disappear after posting. If love to hear your thoughts on some of the comments here.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too.

But you have.

I doubt you're dyslexic if you want a professional opinion.

Stop giving yourself labels if you've not had a professional assessment.

I feel bad for your troubles but are you using them to try and manipulate women into accepting you as a woman? Otherwise what's really the point of inserting yourself onto a female dominated forum like that with a life story you then just leave hanging in the ether?

I jdon’t understand why you can’t live happily as a gay man. Why not actively seek out men with a similar outlook to you? You’re not a woman and never will be. Harsh for you to hear perhaps, but it’s true. You do know there are plenty of men who don’t like football? Or macho stuff? You push a lot of gender stereotypes on yourself. Maybe if you stopped doing that your life would be easier. Just be!

So… essentially another drive-by man coming to tell us all about themselves (so generous!) so the “wolves” will finally understand how we’re all wrong; then disappearing?

What a surprise!

is the TL;DR - ohhh beeee kiiinnnnddddddd

would you like all of us to write our stories of being a woman? we could do that